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November 2011
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January 2012

Merry Belated Everything!

ARGH so I have no time to actually post anything substantial because I have a second wave of family arriving today and I have to mop floors and buy more booze but that last post is bumming me out especially because Christmas was absolutely 100% non-bummer-like in the slightest EVEN THOUGH it involved one teeny tiny little harmless emergency room visit and no I'm not joking but I'll tell you about that later because TODAY IS MY BIRTHDAY COUGH AHEM COUGH so here: (Pro tip: Forget holiday cards. New Year's cards are the last-minute procrastinating SHIT, y'all.) Read more →


Peace in Brain, Goodwill Toward Self

I can't tell you how many first sentences I have written and deleted in the past couple days. "So here's the thing," I'd start, then be unable to put the thing into words. Other times I'd try skipping the pointless preamble and just say it, but then would be irritated by the unpoetic obviousness: the well-duh-ness of it. Then I'd think that I didn't really want to publish anything that might bum people out right before Christmas ANYWAY, so maybe I'll just go do something else until a different, funnier topic occurred to me. And yes, the Star Wars snowflakes... Read more →


Merry Geekmas

(Sorry, Star Trek! Mama's bringing things back to her fandom this Christmas.) (Even though she's usually about as crafty as your average garden slug.) (So please don't look too closely at R2D2. He was tragically maimed in a freak gasoline fight accident.) (Though Boba Fett turned out pretty badass, I think.) (Printable DIY Star Wars snowflake diagrams are here, though I'm serious: the R2D2 one will make you want to punch kittens in the vagina.) (I still need to make Yoda and C3PO, but decided a little break was in order after I started seeing the face of Darth Vader... Read more →


BABY WANTS BRAAAAINS

At some point, Baby Ike moved past that phase where he would attempt to latch on to anyone who happened to be holding him right when the milk cravings hit. Oh hi, General Chestal Region Of Random Human! I am hungry. Your shirt angers me so much. Now he seems pretty clued in to the fact that I, alone, am Milk Lady, and that my General Chestal Region is special and magic and all that. And also this: WHY DOES MILK NOT FLOW OUT OF YOUR FACE ARGH NOM NOM GRRR This is Ike's special Milk Lady greeting. If I'm... Read more →


WE'RE GONNA NEED A BIGGER LAP

(Photo from 2010, and all the years that done come before that.) While waiting in an absolutely-ridiculous-for-a-Wednesday-night-are-you-kidding-me-with-this-nonsense line for Mall Santa, I realized that I am officially becoming That Mom: Things that were once a magical part of parenthood that I was so excited to participate in are now mostly just a colossal pain in my butt. Like taking the kids to see Mall Santa. Can you believe we've been doing this for six straight Christmases now? That we used to do it completely voluntarily and unnecessarily when Noah was a baby and didn't give a rats' ass about seeing... Read more →


Christmas Carnage

Okay, let's go over this one last time. I am not a toy. I am not an action figure. I am a 2004 Frodo Baggins Hallmark Keepsake ornament, currently going for $6.99 on eBay, which is...definitely some fraction of my original purchase price, not that I'll ever go for $6.99 on eBay because some wretched child was all, "MY FRODO TOY!" and broke my sword out of my hand no less than 30 seconds after I was out of the box and unwrapped from last year's newspaper. My sword! The famed short sword Sting, gifted to me by Bilbo Baggins... Read more →


Weekend Things From All The Things

Weekend Thing One: Another three months, another belt test. Another hilarious ("HILARIOUS") and obligatory video of the board-breaking moment and belt ceremony, during which Noah was specifically, personally warned -- upon penalty of FAILING -- not to touch his board or bring it up to the front, which he always does, because...well, have you ever broken a damn board with your foot? Me neither. I imagine I'd probably glue that thing onto a fascinator and then never take it off, just to warn people not to mess with me, I WILL BREAK YOUR ARM OFF AND USE IT AS A... Read more →


Oh No Oh God Not More Cloth Diaper Talk Stop

I had a brief flash of menstrual-cycle panic this week, while Jason was away. I found myself sitting in the nursery, happily contemplating the various ways I could organize the contents of my brand-new changing table, while eating black olives out of the can. Good news! I am not pregnant in the slightest, but do seem to have retained a few of my weirder pregnancy habits and compulsions. BEHOLD I know what you're thinking: Who in their right mind buys a new changing table when her third baby is already six months old? Well, duh. Obviously I make no claims... Read more →


Six Months

I believe I mentioned that Baby Ike is six months old already, but I do not believe that I emphasized that fact enough already. SIX MONTHS OLD WHAT THE HOW IN THE HOLY SHIT I CAN'T EVEN To be fair, before I launch into the whine-fest that you know is coming, this has been the easiest first six months I've had with a baby. (Turbohork aside, but we no longer speak of such things.) His birth was criminally easy, my recovery time even more so. Breastfeeding, great. Weight gain, perfect. Developmentally, he continues to chug along like clockwork, doing everything... Read more →


You Should Have Seen The Other Guy

We bought our Christmas tree this weekend, which was terribly! exciting! because 1) it was the first year Noah did NOT wig completely out over the idea that we needed to transport the tree on the roof of our car, so we got to all go as a family instead of Jason picking a tree out and sneaking it in while I kept Noah distracted and/or placated with lies about how yes, Daddy TOTALLY let the tree ride inside the car, properly buckled safely in the passenger seat, and 2) Ezra got into a drunken fist fight over a blue... Read more →