December 14, 2011
Okay, let's go over this one last time.
I am not a toy. I am not an action figure. I am a 2004 Frodo Baggins Hallmark Keepsake ornament, currently going for $6.99 on eBay, which is...definitely some fraction of my original purchase price, not that I'll ever go for $6.99 on eBay because some wretched child was all, "MY FRODO TOY!" and broke my sword out of my hand no less than 30 seconds after I was out of the box and unwrapped from last year's newspaper.
My sword! The famed short sword Sting, gifted to me by Bilbo Baggins and carried throughout my quest across Middle Earth, magically warning me of nearby orcs by glowing blue!
I mean, it was like, totally important! I needed it! Goddamn.
Oh, cry me a fucking river, halfling.
Look at me. My goddamn arm's off.
Because YOU try explaining to a preschooler that a small plastic TOY-like version of a TOY cowboy from a movie called TOY Story is not actually a toy.
And shut up, Buzz. For the last time, I am not the wind beneath your stupid wings, so stop singing that. We're posed awkwardly enough as it is.
Oh god, what is that? I can see directly into its chest cavity! Kill it, Frodo! Hurry! It's moving closer!
I DON'T HAVE MY SWORD ANYMORE, YOU JACKASS. BUT THANKS FOR BRINGING THAT UP AGAIN OH SHIT IT'S RIGHT THERE AAAAAAHHHHHHHH
(muffled, ongodly screams, assorted zombie munching sounds)
MEANWHILE, ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE TREE, TALKING BORG CUBE ORNAMENT IS PRAYING:
Please don't let the tall one be into Star Trek yet. Please don't let the tall one be into Star Trek yet. Please don't let the...