Christmas Carnage
December 14, 2011
Okay, let's go over this one last time.
I am not a toy. I am not an action figure. I am a 2004 Frodo Baggins Hallmark Keepsake ornament, currently going for $6.99 on eBay, which is...definitely some fraction of my original purchase price, not that I'll ever go for $6.99 on eBay because some wretched child was all, "MY FRODO TOY!" and broke my sword out of my hand no less than 30 seconds after I was out of the box and unwrapped from last year's newspaper.
My sword! The famed short sword Sting, gifted to me by Bilbo Baggins and carried throughout my quest across Middle Earth, magically warning me of nearby orcs by glowing blue!
I mean, it was like, totally important! I needed it! Goddamn.
Oh, cry me a fucking river, halfling.
Look at me. My goddamn arm's off.
Because YOU try explaining to a preschooler that a small plastic TOY-like version of a TOY cowboy from a movie called TOY Story is not actually a toy.
And shut up, Buzz. For the last time, I am not the wind beneath your stupid wings, so stop singing that. We're posed awkwardly enough as it is.
EEEERRRGGGH. ARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH.
Oh god, what is that? I can see directly into its chest cavity! Kill it, Frodo! Hurry! It's moving closer!
BRAAAAAAINSSSSS. DEATHSTARRRRR.
I DON'T HAVE MY SWORD ANYMORE, YOU JACKASS. BUT THANKS FOR BRINGING THAT UP AGAIN OH SHIT IT'S RIGHT THERE AAAAAAHHHHHHHH
(muffled, ongodly screams, assorted zombie munching sounds)
MEANWHILE, ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE TREE, TALKING BORG CUBE ORNAMENT IS PRAYING:
Please don't let the tall one be into Star Trek yet. Please don't let the tall one be into Star Trek yet. Please don't let the...
FIN
I'm pre-emptively looking forward to next year's tree, which I can only presume will feature an ornamental representation of the entire Walking Dead cast of desperate survivors and half-masticated less-than-survivors.
Snort-laughing over here. Thanks. I needed that today.
That is just too funny! I almost chocked on my lunch. :)
A few years ago my aunt bought my 7yo old son a $20 limited edition cast metal replica Tonka Toy Roller tree ornament.
In October of this year I found it in the fucking sandbox.
that was epic!!
You have the talking Borg cube too! I thought for sure my dad was the only person who collected almost all the Star Trek ornaments, and that ours was the only tree that not only lit up when you plugged it in, but also talked at you.
Well that just totally made my day. Now I want to go home and put a hook on my borg cube and put it on our tree.
That was AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!
Oh man, my tree seems all boring now. I need to go dig through my kids toybox and create myself some kick butt tree decor! Then we can all have epic tree battles!!! Raaawwwwrrrrr!
Now if the deodorants could hook up with the ornaments... Just sayin'...
I cannot tell you how many Hallmark friends I will be sharing this post with today. :)
You absolutely make me laugh out loud. So funny, kinda wish I had "mangled" tree ornaments!!!
Ditto Lindsay. You've got a significant number of total fangirls at Hallmark.
I thought we were odd with hanging self made ornaments of Lego in the tree. Thanks I really like this story.
I'm a December baby and my SECOND Christmas my mom decided to make all of the ornaments on the Christmas tree edible and was then SHOCKED to find me and the cat sitting under the tree one night eating oranges studded with cloves and gingerbread men. That's what I thought about when I read this, and also why we have no tree this year, The Year of the One Year Old, in our house.
This is awesomeness
That was glorious. Buzz & Woody look like Ace & Gary from SNL.. Love it!!!!
I have an old band-aid box in my junk drawer filled with limbs and heads from various action figures. It's labeled "The Morgue." Why am I saving them? I have no idea.....
This is great!
I always tell the boys to leave them alone because the Hallmark ornaments are "Mommy's toys." Unfortunately, it doesn't work to keep them away all the time, but sometimes...
*high-fives*
*ass-slaps*
That. was. awesome.
Thanks for the laugh :)
Am dying of the dorkiness over here. Also, because I totally had to sit on myself this Christmas as my 5 and 2yos plunged their grubby little hands into my box of ornaments, ripping off the wrapping I had lovingly place around each precious one, and then ran off with them to pile them all in two square inches on the tree. One branch had 3 freaking ornaments on it.
I do not go all Martha Stewarty very often, but I have very specific ideas about tree decoration and ornament preservation and these were NOTBEINGRESPECTED and oh take a deep breath already. (And then the 5yo totally called me out when I started frantically rearranging things later. BUSTED.)
However, there are no gaping chest wounds, so I guess I should count myself lucky.
please tell me you are going to buy these for the boys
http://www.thinkgeek.com/geektoys/plush/e9a3/?srp=13
Awesome!
My brother in law revealed to me last night that he screws an eye screw (from a hook and eye set) into the toys his kids have outgrown and makes them ornaments.
Perhaps your kids have been to their house and thinks that everyone has toys on their tree.
And Borg box is the first of the Star Trek ornaments my husband missed. I bow to your ornament awesomeness.
I don't think i can stop laughing. You are right on with this post. I hope you check out my blog at www.thecribhub.com where you can find luxurious and affordable baby cribs.
My husband came into our marriage with 4 Christmas ornaments, one of which was that cube thingie. I feel even more like your long lost twin, now.
I. Love. Your. Ornaments.
OH MY GOD. Pieces of that same Buzz and Woody ornament are scattered all over my damn house. Seriously. In June, I found Woody's head in my kitchen junk drawer. In September, I pulled out a necklace I hadn't worn in a while and found Buzz's leg. They are EVERYWHERE! This post makes me feel a little better about the one-armed caroling wolf and decapitated Mickey Mouse on my own tree.
Is it wrong of me to think that you may have broken a few of them yourself, just to have a blog post to write about? Come on, Amy. Stop blaming the innocents.
Haha! That is amazing.
Too funny! At least you found the broken off parts......
I so hear you. We have the same problem. Luckily the first ornaments that the wee one decided to take off the tree were a wine bottle and glass (also Hallmark ornaments) because she wanted to serve me wine. (She did score some points for that.) She managed to break the bottle so I used that as my platform to repeatedly exclaim, "Stop taking the ornaments off the tree." Which she finally understood. All of the Disney Princess ornaments owe me a debt of gratitude.
my children have their own tree so that mine can be free of praying cubes and limb-missing movie characters. it's better for everyone this way....
Hilarious!!!!
broken toy/ornaments or no, that is one geektastic tree. <3 it!
I have a headless Barbie collector's ornament right now. This made me laugh so hard!
I laughed so hard I spit on my computer when I read this! made my day
Our Christmas ornaments are in about the same shape! Definitely made me laugh.
ChOL (chuckling out loud).
I feel that the angel perched on the top of my tree is praying each time my boys thunder by. She shakes but stays put! I went with the shatterproof ornaments but they do have a lot of glitter. Now I am constantly finding glitter all over my boys!
My 2.5 year old has broken 4 ornaments already this year. I kept finding them around the house and they would BEG to play with them. The corvettes, the disney, the star wars, the knight in shining armor (that matched his halloween costume OMG!)...THEY AREN'T TOYS. I'm gonna lose it over here.
I had a headache but now it's gone from laughing!
Family stories from past and present http://saveeverystep.wordpress.com
I don't even think I can explain how much this story amused me. And, like, boosted my Christmas spirit somehow.
Super, awesome, hilarious post that I loved :D
Very imaginative post! The whole scene came to life for me! I am going to go see if I can find some inspiration on my tree now!
*GASP* THERE'S A TALKING BORG CUBE ORNAMENT!!
Cause that is literally what I said when I read that. And you better believe I am out to find me one.
Now that I think of it, I'm also looking for the Enterprise and Voyager. Why did I not think of this before?!
Also, you have a very lively tree of zombies.
Hi...........
I love it ! Awesome idea. I might have to try this soon.
You have don a great job. Keep it up.
Thanks