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December 2011
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February 2012

Assorted Epilogues

I. Jason, the last man standing, is down. I repeat, THE HUSBAND IS DOWN. He is by far the least disgusting patient, at least, and his illness has resulted in absolutely nothing I had to clean up. II. But! Noah is fine. Ezra is also, finally, oh-thank-God fine and at back at school today. I don't think I need to tell you that, humor and poor-poor-me snark aside, I was really, really worried about that one. I have never seen any of my children that sick, for which I know I am lucky, because it obviously could have been so,... Read more →

How Bad Was My Weekend

...let me COUNT THE WAYS. I cleaned vomit off the top bunk. I cleaned vomit off the bottom bunk. I cleaned vomit off the bunk bed ladder and the floor. I cleaned one child's vomit out of the hair of another. I cleaned up after the world's grossest fucking diaper, BAR NONE. I cleaned up...the crib. Enough said. I cleaned vomit off the wall of the nursery, and the rocking chair. Also my brand-new, dry-clean-only sweater that I was stupidly wearing because that was before reality set in and all hope was shattered into a million disgusting, crusty pieces. I... Read more →


After a brief turn for the better last night and this morning, we're now back to taking it one sip of Pedialyte at a time over here. Even popsicles are too wild and crazy for this party. And the less said about that banana, the better. Fuck this week. I'm out. Let's meet up on Monday for a do-over, deal? Read more →

Because You're Worth It

Warning: This is probably going to be the grossest thing I have ever written about on the Internet. And I have written some gross fucking things. So, proceed with caution. Or don't. Just leave. Run away! Look out, behind you! It's a compulsive oversharing blogger in her pajamas! OH MY GOD WE'RE DOOMED. Yesterday afternoon, Ezra shuffled from his room post-nap. "My tummy hurts," he whined. We had a little chat about Poop, Do You Need To Go Do That, and I expertly diagnosed him with Who The Hell Knows, But Let's Try Some Cuddling On The Couch. So we... Read more →

Babyproof Your World, Girl

Over the weekend, Ike developed an obsession with the step in our living room. He spent a couple hours scooting back and forth in front of it, touching it, putting toys on top of it. At one point I caught him lying on his back and intently examining the lip from below. Fucking steps, how do they work? He was like a raptor in Jurassic Park, investigating the electric fences. Looking for weaknesses. Yesterday, he found one. ??? !!! About five minutes after discovering the finger-gripping, body-dragging properties of the floor vent, he managed to pull himself up and over... Read more →

The Plastic Wrap That Ate New York City

Happy Monday, Innernets! How was your weekend? Ours was fine! I learned two things: 1) When Ike comes down with his big brother's cold, he gets this hilariously gigantic cough -- CAAAAHHH-UGH CAAAAAHH-UGH-UGH-CAH -- and sounds exactly like an old man having a top-volume coughing fit at a quiet restaurant. So the next time you hear a cough like that and start looking for the person to scowl at, like GO OUTSIDE, DUDE, NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR YOU COUGHING UP YOUR LUNG, be forewarned that it could be my baby. 1a) I mean, you can still scowl at him,... Read more →

"Teachers Don't Have Phones."

And with that, the question over whether or not he was telling me the truth was answered. We caught Noah in his first big, sustained lie yesterday. The details are exhaustively boring, but suffice to say he'd figured out a way to game his token/reward system at school and make us think he was earning more points for good behavior than he was. Then exchanging those points for treats at home like playing video games or getting some Halloween candy. (That is not actually from Halloween, but just what the boys call candy year-round here.) I'd grown suspicious and questioned... Read more →

Dear Social Media: Please Invent A Button For Things I Simultaneously Like & Unlike At The Same Time

First, I want to thank y'all for making me feel SO MUCH BETTER about the Tooth Fairy thing. I'm so glad we're not the only parents who have forgotten about lost teeth and woke up to devastated, disillusioned children. GLAD, I SAY. I AM COMFORTED BY YOUR CHILDREN'S PAIN. WE ARE ALL TERRIBLE PEOPLE, HOORAY! Second, I'm hoping today's confession will likewise be met with understanding instead of gasps of pearl-clutchy horror. Ezra is home sick today. Cough, fever, general whimperiness. I totally don't mind though, because Ezra is my favorite sick child. It's not that I enjoy seeing him... Read more →

The Day The Magic Died Because I Accidentally Murdered It

So if you were around on Friday you're already aware that it took Baby Ike all of an hour and a half to make a complete jackass out of me. Post About Thing Baby Is Not Doing, Baby Immediately Up And Does It, All Casual-Like. Perhaps his reading comprehension is better than I previously thought as well. Highlighting their mother's general incompetence was a theme for the weekend, actually. On Saturday Tracey and Charlie came over for an evening I dunno. Food and baby stuffs. Dogs and Instagramming and YouTube and heavy metal on Pandora. We made slow-cooker jerk... Read more →


Okay, Internet. Here goes. There's something I haven't told you about Baby Ike. I don't want to sound all dramatic and hand-wringy about it, but I really can't pretend that it's not worrying me a little tiny teeny bit. MY BABY CAN'T READ! Wait. No. Wrong thing. Ike cannot sit up unassisted. In fact, he can't even really sit up if he's anything less than *fully* assisted, as in, sitting in a Bumbo or with both of my hands on him. Meanwhile, he's army-scooting around all over the place and occasionally getting up on his hands and knees. His neck... Read more →