Perpetuum Momentum
The Existential Dilemma of SHINY THINGS!

Fruit of the Looms

As Ike creeps ever closer to full-on mobility and the ability to kill his fool self, his nightly plan to kill me is going swimmingly. Just...peachy. And scream-y.

When we last discussed The Utterly Fascinating To No One Else On Earth Topic Of Ike's Sleeping Habits, we'd stumbled upon what I thought was the solution to all the problems: Early bedtime! No, earlier than that. 6:30 pm. Huzzah! It worked, and he started sleeping through the night for all of...I don't know. Four, maybe five nights in a row, if I'm being generous. 

Then the wakings started again. He wakes up wide-eyed and wet-butted at 11:30, then argues with me about sleep and politics and whatnot for an hour or more. So I get to bed around 1 am most nights, only to get woken up AGAIN around 5 am, usually for good, because at that point, he's gotten PLENTY of sleep, so what's YOUR problem, lady? Go nuke me some butternut squash. And would it kill you to grate a little fresh nutmeg over the top this time? 

So. That's what? Four hours of sleep, on average? Holy God, I was getting more when he was a newborn. I've tried going to bed earlier, in hopes of getting an extra hour or two before the midnight-ish waking, but as a life-long confirmed Night Owl/Not A Morning Person, that's easier said than done. And for anyone who's thinking that 5 am isn't such an unreasonable waking hour, well, please don't say it out loud because I will punch you in the goddamn face. Not intentionally, or anything. It'll be more like a reflex. A hateful, angry, punch-y reflex.

Point is: I GIVE UP. He's won. The infant is firmly in charge and I am but his groggy-eyed milk-slave. My only means of protest is that I am really, really good at thinking up obscene lyrics to otherwise soothing-sounding lullabys. 

And Stockholm Syndrome is in full effect as well, as evidenced by my reaction to Jason's initial suggestion that we get away for a single, solitary night to celebrate my birthday. He proposed dinner at Volt (of Bryan Voltaggio/Top Chef fame) and a stay at a bed and breakfast, while my in-laws stayed here with the wolf pack. And I balked at first because: The baaaaaby. I have to be here to nurse the baaaaaby. I can't leave my baaaa...


Not going to lie: It was glorious. I hauled ass and breast pump out of the house on Friday with hardly a look back at my poor, abandoned young. (Though I admit the general consensus from them was a half-hearted "Whatever. You'll be back. Plus Grandma never checks the clock before promising us a movie so guess who's gonna be watching Despicable Me at 10:30 at night?") 

I did have to make a couple decorating changes at the B&B, however, before I felt comfortable passing out cold on the bed. The theme in our room was, unfortunately: DOLLS. DOLLS EVERYWHERE. 


Oh please, how harmless-looking am I? Don't I kind of remind you of a doll you probably owned as a child? I'm just gonna sit here, right at the end of the bed...



So I shoved her and several other dolls (including one attached to a spare toilet paper roll cozy that also particularly unnerved me) underneath a small table on the other side of the room.


In retrospect, I'm not sure this was an improvement. 

Dinner was awesome, as was the carefree realization that, as the meal dragged out into HOUR THREE, it did not matter because no one was going to be waiting up for us and/or demanding an exorbiant hourly fee for babysitting. We could like, hit up a nightclub after this! We could go dancing! Drink ourselves stupid! I mean, more stupid. Stupider. Stupidishier. 

We did not actually do any of those things. We stopped at a toy store to buy each of the boys a present and then went back to the B&B and slept for approximately 14 solid hours. In the morning we ate some eggs.

Then we came home, and the real wild times started, because I BOUGHT US A POTHOLDER LOOM, PEOPLE. BEHOLD MY SKILLS.





I LOVED those potholder looms as a kid. I vote you make dozens of them during the nights and forswear sleep for the sake of interesting color themed potholders!

Pass them out to the neighbors.

How's he respond to different temperatures? Our older son slept like a pro in a freezing house when he was young, but if it drops under 70, our younger son wakes up several times. So, we've turned up the thermostat.


IMO, the 14 hours of sleep is better than any night on the town.

Psst...ten years from now, you'll have two teenagers and they'll sleep past noon on weekends, so you can sleep until the glorious hour of 9am. I promise. :)


You know you have the best husband ever, right? Fourteen hours of sleep sounds like heaven and my kids are teens and tweens! Also, nice looming :)

Amanda Pack

Wow I thought I was the only one who went through that fresh version of hell. I am sorry for you. I know how much it sucks. I suffer from insomnia and it was particularly awful until mine started sleeping through the night. He is now 19 months old and I still haven't gotten my sleep regulated. Oh btw cereal was or magic answer to prolonged sleep stretches.


Here for you in solidarity--I birthed a non sleeper too (I also can rock the potholder loom :) ). Seriously--at about 3 months, it looked like he was going to sleep through the night like a reasonable child--and then at month four it all went to hell and stayed that way, despite promises of a "regression" that he would "grow out of." We pushed bedtime to 6:30--he responded pretty well...and then added a 10:00, 1:00 and 3:00 waking before getting up to plow the north 40 somewhere around five am. I remember going out to our living room, shutting the baby gate, and sobbing/dozing while he rolled himself all over the room. He's closing in on two, now, and the good news I can give is that we have acheived more normal "in bed" hours--8:30 to 7:30 on average, with a pretty consistent afternoon nap. The middle of the night is still a crapshoot. And now I'm considering deleting this whole thing--but I think I'm going to post anyways, just to let you know that you're not alone. Sometimes it's nothing that you're "doing." We've ferbered, No Cry Sleep Solutioned, co-slept, slept on the floor by the crib (don't ask, I was tired, it was more comfortable than the rocker). None of it offered a bulletproof solution. What worked the best was doing whatever it took to survive--and accepting that your really can't make them eat, sleep, or poop.

Life of a Doctor's Wife

I have never seen a doll with so many TEETH. Egads. No wonder you shoved it under a table!

Happy (belated) birthday! I hope this year brings you LOTS of sleep.


I was thinking the exact same thing last night - I got more sleep when my son was a newborn (he's three weeks younger than Ike). Our problem is he's a night owl - just like me - except I have a JOB and he does not. I've tried everything and I can't get him to go to bed before 10pm. Most nights it's around midnight. Then he's up for an hour around 2 or 3. I have to get up for work at 5:30, while he sleeps the morning away, preferring to rise around 8 or 9. I tried for over a month waking him up when I got up, hoping to sync schedules, but all I got was a super cranky baby who was so overtired he wouldn't nap (sitter's problem!) or go to sleep at night (my problem).


Oh gods, creepy dolls! I want to get my daughter a doll for her birthday (girl has like none and she'll be three), but wow is it hard to find one that isn't creepy.


Did you stay at the B&B within walking distance to Volt? My husband and I stayed there and the owner was um.....interesting. Or not friendly. Probably a better way to say it. But oh goodness did the food at Volt more than make up for it.


I am so JEALOUS of your night away! It sounds fabulous, despite the dolls, which sound creepy. This Top Chef fan would like to know two things: (1) Did you see Bryan? And (2) What did you have for dinner?


That doll is effing creepy! I'm not sure whether it would be worse to have them on the shelves staring or under the table where you don't know what they are doing. Are they scheming? Wasn't that one's foot more under the tablecloth when I put it there? OMG I think they are coming after me!!
I am so sorry for your loss of sleep! I am currently 37 weeks pregnant and had a celebration this morning because I only had to get up once to pee last night (and then I almost peed my pants on the way to the bathroom)!


Also... how are you supposed to do it in a room full of dolls? I'm just not sure I could get over the performance anxiety.


My lifelong fear of dolls was rewarded by giving birth to a daughter. One who's already been given a horrifically creepy doll that is larger than she is and will surely steal our souls in the night.

And I highly recommend a hat loom. I spent two months in the hospital before birthing said daughter and became addicted to knitting hats. You can finish one in a few hours, and they are freaking adorable.


Cool potholder ;-)

OH YES to the commenter who slept on the floor next to the crib. At first my baby wanted me to hold her hand all night, and as soon as she was asleep I would extricate my hand - only to have her periodically wake up - seemingly from a dead sleep - to make sure I was still there. Eventually I tired of the cold floor and just put a spare mattress on the floor and slept next to her. Fuck it, sleep is sleep. Eventually after months of all these types of measures and wiggling out of her bedroom on my belly... we cried it out. I say we because I think I cried the most. :(


It kills me that you still love us enough to blog thru the sleep deprivation. How do you do it??

Melissa H

Thank you for this. We have identically aged babies and my jealousy of you has been IMMENSE as my little puddle of love wakes up very, very consistently at midnight, three and six. Like you, I'm a night owl so midnight is okay, I'm still up, but the three and six are KILLING me especially on work days where I have to be up at 6:40 anyway. So, it's mean but I'm sort of happy that you're not sleeping either :) Misery loves company and all that. And I feel better that my baby isn't the only non sleeping butthead 7 month old.


Oh god, those DOLLS! That one with the teeth would have sent me running for the nearest Motel 6.


My baby is still not sleeping. She's 9 months. She did sleep at one time, but somewhere around 3 months, she stopped. Sigh. Oh, and we still don't have any actual teeth, but they've been threatening for MONTHS now. Sigh.


I've got a 6 month old who will nearly sleep through the night, then they very next night will be up 6 or 7 times. What gives? Mondays seem to be especially hard (on me!) trying to get out the door to daycare then work when low and behold...said child will pee or spit up on me...adding another 30 minutes to get out the door. Oh and another 10 minutes of me crying then reapplying makeup and finding another outfit to wear. Goodness, is it cocktail hour yet?


Hey, I just tried sleeping on the floor this week too! One armed swaddling still offers plenty of opportunity for that blasted startle reflex to work its evil magic. And then there's the farting!


Yeah, I'm w/you on the creepy Chucky's Bride, Poltergeist clown, Trilogy of Terror doll thing. And, um, Zaid is two. TWO I SAID! He goes down at 8:30, wakes at 12, then again at 5:02. THE HELL? Who wakes up at a precise time like that? Has he a let's fuck with mommy tiny toddler alarm clock he keeps in the covers? I have to get up at 6.

Also, send me a potholder or four; I keep burnin' mah hands (1. I own NO potholders; 2. I'm too damn tired to remember to at least use a towel and III., fold the towel in half to make it thicker, dummy!).

Suzy Q

I would LOVE to hear more about your dinner at Volt.

Also, I cannot even believe they still make those toy looms! They're so lo-tech!


After a couple of months of waking up nearly every hour with our then-6 month old and nearly losing my sanity, we did Ferber and she slept through the night within 3 days. You probably weren't asking for a(ss)dvice, but I feel like I need to say it as a public service since I formerly was against CIO in any form but it saved me from losing my mind from sleep deprivation! Also, we use cloth diapers during the day but disposables at night...they reliably keep her more comfortable. Maybe worth a try if you think he's waking up because he's wet? Hang in there. Glad you got a nice break at the B&B, weird dolls or not!


Now I totally need my own potholder loom. Who DOESN'T need 5,000 potholders just laying around? And I can totally give them away at Christmas next year! 10 for everyone if I start RIGHT NOW!


1. those dolls are SCARY, wow.
2. YAY potholder looms! I looooved those as a kid!
3. so glad I'm not the only sleep-deprived mother of a 7-month non-sleeper... :)

Crabby Apple Seed

My second child is now following in her sister's footsteps with the pre-dawn waking. as in, 4 or 4:30am. EVERY. FARKING. DAY. and do you know what does NOT help?? People saying that's not early. because wtf, YES IT IS. and while second child's older sister had the decency to go to sleep at 6pm, I absolutely, positively, unequivocally canNOT get this kid to sleep prior to 7:30pm. and trust me, this ain't my first rodeo. I know how to get them to sleep. It cannot be done.

so I feel you. I'm at the aphasic stage now. Hopefully they start sleeping sometime in the next year or so.


Oh dear. Do you have a Bad Sleeper? My firstborn is one and at almost 2 years old he is still depriving me of sleep in one way or another (he comes up with new ways all the time). That's why my next baby is going to be THE BEST SLEEPER EVER, because THE UNIVERSE OWES ME.


I'm a first-time mom and my 4-month-old is being a butthead about sleep. She wakes, on average, 3 times per night to nurse. Gradually, I've let her sleep more and more on me, since we'd both pass out during the nursing sessions, and I lost my will to get up and try to gently place her back in her swing every time (yes, she prefers the swing to the crib, though she's quickly outgrowing it). Also, the transfer to the swing usually works, but sometimes it will wake her up, and once she's up, it could take an hour or more of bouncing and shushing to get her back to sleep. So instead she's been sleeping on me, which means shitty, sitting-up sleep with a sometimes-wiggling baby on my lap.

I've decided to try to strengthen my resolve and get into better habits, but it's really good to hear that others are going through the same.

Oof. Sleep, I love and miss you very much. Please come back soon.


Me thinks this might be related to the ole turbo puking. Sometimes when a reflux-er gets big enough the puke won't make it all of the way out of the mouth and instead just goes up and down in the throat all night. This is usually silent but some kiddos with this make a lot of swallowing or wiggling noises in their sleep. This made my daughter a night waker until we upped her meds and held her up for 20 min after every night meal. A big pain in the butt, of course.


I'm glad you enjoyed yourself up here in my home town. Happy Birthday!


But... but... THE FOOD! How was the FOOD!


But... but... THE FOOD! How was the FOOD!


I would never wish sleepless nights on anyone, but this post makes me feel so much better. My nearly eight month old has never slept. NEVER. I swear in her eight months, I have not gotten more than four straight hours of sleep once. I am so tired and I feel like I must be doing something so very very wrong. But if you, after three tries at baby rearing, also has these same no-sleep problems, maybe it is not me and it is just my damn fool baby who I love with all my heart but who I just wish would sleep for 10 hours! PLEASE!


OMG...Those dolls would have scared the shit out of me too! As a previous poster suggested, I think you should try disposables at night as well. I had to resort to cloth in the day, landfill-clogging plastic at night because it was the only way to ensure my kid wasn't waking up due to feeling wet. It didn't bother her for the first three months of life but whatever. And once teething started, sleep was more inexplicably elusive than it had been before. Good luck!


It makes me feel a lot better that someone else is going through the (apparently not so) special sleep hell that we've been going through. You're much funnier about it than I am though. Although I haven't gotten a night away. God, 14 hours of sleep. I think I might kill someone for that right now. (not really, I'm not a crazy person, just really really sleep deprived).


I was gonna ask if the birthday sex was better than the 14 hours of sleep, and then I slapped myself because duh.


Good for you for doing the getaway! Congrats!
With our excessively talkative 2 and 3 yr old girls in the house, just having a normal conversation with my husband for more than 2 minutes is a miracle. Actually, it's become a turn on. Oh, how our standards change when we have kids!


dolls are like clowns in my book. eeeekkkk. shudder.


We're so in the same boat as you re: sleep. Luca is two weeks younger than Ike, and we just transferred him into the same room as his big sis so we could finally have the bed to ourselves for a few hours. The trade off has been a baby who suddenly now wakes up all the damn time, PLUS a toddler whose sleep is shot to hell, too, thanks to her brother. I'd LOVE to have them in separate rooms so that we could do some CIO w/ Luca, but alas, our teeny 2BR house will not allow for that.

Good luck. I hope Ike starts sleeping better soon.


ha ha! That doll pic is SUPER AWESOME. Yes, I bet your husband was 'excited' about getting the doll bedroom. Anyways, I'll say a prayer for baby Ike and for you deary. Take advantage of ANYONE that lets you have a break now and then. Sleep = Sanity.


You're hilarious and I love you.


I love the discussion on sleep because I have a total non-sleeper who up until 15 months woke up at 11pm, 1am, 3am, 5am, and then for good at 7am. At his current 18 months we are rejoicing that he "only" wakes up at 1am and 4am. But it still takes him an hour each time to get back to sleep. We can't even talk about naps.


I'm in suspense....did Baby Ike sleep for the in-laws??


Good question, Mia!! We all want to know!


OK, A. You are so danger funny when you're sleep deprived and miserable. B. WTF dolls? In the rented bedroom? How many returning guests do they get? And what are the other themes? Clowns and teddy bears?and C. You're gonna do a whole post on the actual meal, right? Please?


Um... dang. Hell, should have just typed damn and been done with it.


that doll brought back memories of "Talking Tina" from the Twilight Zone!!! uuuugghh! sccaary!


PLEASE . . . full review of Volt, with excruciating details???? Let me live vicariously through you!!


I too would like to praise CIO, I see it as my responsibility for the common good. Also the book Healthy Sleep Habits, Healthy Child by Marc Weissbluth. I was getting crazy and threatening with sleep deprivation before we let the baby cry it out. It took a week, it was a lot of crying, but now we all sleep through the night. It was a hard hard hard week. But now? Sleep, glorious sleep.


I have a two year old non-sleeper. I can count on one hand the number of times that child has slept through the night. 2+ years of sleep deprivation, plus being 24 wks prg with number two is HELL! But you gave me a brilliant idea--let my parents deal with him for a night. Due to his status as a non-sleeper we have never left him with anyone else overnight because...well, I don't know. I guess we didn't want to subject someone else to his non-sleeping ways? I'm done with that attitude. My mom can handle one night of little to no sleep if I can handle over 730 of them.

So how did the night without you go?


Groggy eyed milk slave!!!! Lmao! I remember those days! I have to say thank you because my ovaries were trying to take over and remembering those times helped me stuff a sock in their hormonal little mouths!


Ahahaha with my fear of creepy dolls, I probably would have smashed them and stuffed them away in a closet to haunt me HOME.

Sounds like a awesome time with the much needed sleep, don't know how your man sleept that long either since you didn't mention him helping with those sleepless nights.


My weirdo (really only at the gift-giving...) mom asked me what I wanted for Christmas last year - I even wrote it down!- and then promptly dismissed that wish and got my husband and I a gift certificate for a stay at a bed and breakfast. We still haven't used it and we probably won't for fear of a room full of creepy dolls.


So sorry about the sleep deprivation. Don't listen to anyone who hasn't gone through it.

Better yet just don't listen to anyone...

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