Mr. Fixit
Fruit of the Looms

Perpetuum Momentum

We have officially achieved and surpassed level one mobility: rolling as viable means of transportation.

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I will no longer stay anywhere close to where you put me! The world now is full of places for me to get my head stuck! Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeee! 

But of course, two seconds after he mastered the art of rolling across the floor in search of brave new choking hazards and also dust bunnies and dead Christmas tree needles and dust bunnies made up of dead Christmas tree needles, he decided it was kind of bullshit, what with the occasional THWACK of his noggin on the hardwoods, so he went ahead and traded up for a +1 scooting power-up.

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He doesn't quite have the knees-under-the-body thing down yet, so it's not exactly "crawling" but more of that weird mostly-arm-powered army trench crawl thing, while his legs paddle desperately behind him, occasionally finding some traction to power-boost him forward. 

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He's incredibly proud of himself. I'm trying to work up some fake enthusiasm even though, HISTORICALLY SPEAKING, mobile babies are the worst. THE WORST. Say goodbye to swings and bouncers and jumperoos and every other handy Child Containment Device because they will no longer have any of that shit, and say hello to digging disgusting things out of your baby's mouth 1,400 times a day and a life where taking 30 seconds to go to the bathroom is akin to playing Russian roulette with your baby's face. Because oh, yes. By the time you're done, there will be blood. 

Picture 103

Yes, Circa 2009 Self, that's a great idea. You GET RIGHT ON THAT. 

I know. I sound so bitter and hardened. I've just...I've been in the shit. I've seen the shit. You just...(trails off, eyes the horizon knowingly, yet unnervingly vacant)...you can only deal with so many teeth going through so many bottom lips before you start asking the big questions. What's the point? What are you doing with your life, endlessly trying to protect small, wiggly creatures with no sense of fear or gravity? Why can't you just wrap them in bubble wrap and a helmet and let Darwin figure the rest of this nonsense out? 

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Seriously, why do you have so many teeth? It's like nature just handed you a set of built-in scissors to run around with. 

I told you guys about my Lego Anxiety Dream, right? At least in passing? I'm actually dead serious: the anxiety dreams of mysterious college finals and terrible waitressing experiences have been officially replaced by dreams about Legos. I'm at the airport and they're falling out of my suitcase by the dozen. I'm trying to get somewhere important but I'm barefoot and the floor is covered in them. I'm trying to find my phone or my wallet and everything in my purse is made of Legos and I'm trying to find the one last piece that will let me make a phone call but keep getting distracted by other important, valuable pieces like Harry Potter's hair or the inside part of a house window or Darth Vader's cape. 

I'm basically LIVING that dream now, every day, as I beg and beg Noah and Ezra to keep the Legos off the floor and away from Ike. I've bought bins and containers and bags and crawled around on my hands and knees, picking up tiny stupid #$)@*&@ grommets and pointy castle tower toppers, only to be digging more of the same from Ike's fist five minutes later. I've tried appealing to the boys' love and sense of responsibility to their baby brother about the importance of keeping Legos and other small toys off the floor. (Though may GOD HAVE MERCY ON OUR SOULS when he pulls to a stand and discovers that the coffee table is where we really keep ALL OF THE COOL THINGS.) 

I even, on the advice of my pediatrician, tried the gross-out tactic and warned them that if Baby Ike were to swallow any of their toys, they wouldn't get it back until he pooped it out into his diaper. 

This was a mistake, BTW. Because the idea fascinated them way more than it disgusted them. And I now get the sense they are eyeing the baby as some kind of rolling, scooting science experiment. 

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But. Such is life. There will be no stopping the forward momentum, perhaps only the occasional thwarting by waxing the floors and keeping him in slippery footie pajamas so he can't get any traction and WHAT I AM JUST SAYING, IT'S NOT LIKE I'VE TRIED THAT OR WOULD EVEN KNOW IF THAT WORKS OR WHATEVER*. Baby Ike is now a baby on the go, just itching to do everything his big brothers do.

Headfirst, probably, most of the time. 

***

Step One: Put baby on blanket.

Step Two: Turn your back on him for two blessed seconds.

Step Three: ???

Step Four: INSTAGRAM!

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*It totally works.

 

Comments

Jennie

I copied the paragraphs on legos and pooping and baby science experiment to my boyfriend. His answer: "Maybe it wouldn't be such a bad idea to have twins and get it over with all at once."

Heheheh.

Jessicawp

The stage of no fear and even less common sense. My two boys (3years old and 10 months old) are both still in it. Does it ever end?

Kris

Oh God, I miss the days of setting down a kid and having him still be there 2 whole minutes later. Just staring out the patio door in wide eyed wonder.

We have 2 dogs, and finally broke down & bought our little 'un "baby jail". Two sets of something called Little Playzones, stretched across the living room, to keep him somewhat contained. I know, not everyone agrees with it, but you gotta go with what works for you. I still got in there & played with him, and didn't have to worry about him smashing his skull on the fireplace tools for the 18th time that one afternoon.

Of course, said child is now 3 and bolts as soon as the door is unlocked. Sigh.

Arnebya

Oh, it totally works. But, once he's actually walking/running, you have to remember to remove them b/c then he'll head-first not of his own volition across the hardwoods unable to stop. And he'll want to stop because WALLS! I don't think I can undent this boy's forehead now.

Amelia

My mom was so awesome - she cut down a sheet and hemmed it and then spread it on the floor (the size you make it depends on how much floor space you have). We were ONLY allowed to play Legos on the sheet. Then, when we were finished playing, she would grab up the edges of the sheet and stuff the whole mess in the bin (we had a garbage bin). The next time we wanted to play, all we had to do was pull out the sheet and spread the edges apart and voila! Legos were already there, waiting for us. Genius.

Wiley

I was excited when my younger son hit the phase of bruised little boy face :-).

Marcia

A Playpen is a wonderful thing. (I don't know if you have them over there?) The trouble is you need to get the baby used to being in it before they get mobile. Otherwise they feel trapped. So it would be a bit late for Ike.

Lisa

My aunt had two girls when I was a teenager - thus I did a lot of babysitting. When they would misbehave I would tell them that if they didn't stop, I would turn into a monster, blow fire and smoke from my mouth and scream so loudly that all the people in the world would be scared.
They would get wide-eyed, and immediately stop whatever they were doing out of fear.

Several years later, my Dad's second wife was the mother of 2 boys. Again, in the babysitting role, I tried the angry monster to stop unwanted behavior.

I bet you know what's coming...
the response was "I wanna see it!!"
Your retrieval of small parts reminded me of my experience of girls vs boys.

nicolette @ momnivores dilemma

Oh the horror...of legos.

We aren't in that phase yet, because my 4 year old still eats toys.

Perhaps, a pair of cushy house boots are in order to protect your feet.

Go, Ike, Go!

Life of a Doctor's Wife

Ike is SO cute! But gah - the Legos! I can understand why that would be the stuff of nightmares.

Jen

OMG! Xmas tree needles (in our case, fake) are the bane of my existence!! The lil man is currently commando crawling and I am constantly pulling the fake plastic-y needles out of his pudgy little fists...and his mouth!! This has been going on for a week and I keep sweeping and the needles remain!! "I will find you fake xmas tree remnants!! I will find all of you!!!!!"

Kim W.

We also do the lego on sheet trick. It's awesome.

I have 3 boys as well, and each time when the baby became mobile, I designated a bedroom for lego play and used a baby gate. My boys were more spread apart in years, so they might have been easier to control than your pack. (They're called packs right? Because aren't they just like puppies?)

Karen

We banned the legos to the 5 year-old's bedroom. It is tough and he hates it but I need to clean my house at some point without the 10 month-old choking.

As it is, he is cruising everywhere and tripping over his own feet only to *whoosh* slip his hands out from under him and *bam*, head on tile floor.

*sigh*
Need.more.wine.

Elizabeth

Socks are my daughter's kryptonite - they are pretty much the only thing that will slow her down (and it is very entertaining for the adults around when she forgets she has on socks and runs across hardwood floor).

lisa

regarding "The stage of no fear and even less common sense."

My nephew just embarked on a cross-country car trip with his buddy.

Sporting:
- 1 google map printout of the US.
- A guitar.
- $700.00 each (and plans to camp out along the way.)
- a tent(!)
- NO SLEEPING BAGS!
- No tools (but plans to get some electrical tape to hide the "check engine" light ...)
- and no car charger for the one cell phone between them.

They are in their mid 20s.

So don't be expecting this stage to be completed anytime soon.

Miriam

That is a really beautiful child you've got there. Wow

Jacquie

I'm sorry, did you say something? Could you keep it down please because I am already deafened by the sound of my ovaries shrieking into high gear to produce a baby Ike flavored egg. That kid is dyno-MITE.

Isaac

As a card-carrying Lego-lover (ok, not really, but I did have both a TON of Legos and a baby brother and sister who wanted to eat them), this might work (maybe):

1. Spread blanket on floor
2. Legos go on blanket
3. Legos found off-blanket go in the garbage (or in some "Lego time-out" for a specified period of time)
4. Um, I guess this helps with cleanup more than actually keeping babies out of them. So, uh, never mind?

Dawn

"... keeping him in slippery footie pajamas so he can't get any traction..." made me laugh right out loud. I think you're on to something.

AmyC65

2 thoughts: do you have those grocery carts that look like giant semi-trucks? A poor woman driving (err, pushing) one of those yesterday had a kid in the cart dropping lego pieces consistently. She'd get about 3 steps and he'd yell "dropped one!" through most of the store.

2ndly - every Lego piece you take from Ike gets kept for 2 days. Even if it is the most important part of the Death Star. Sorry, boys. They'll learn. Put them in little jars with sticky notes saying the day they get them back, in clear view but out of reach.

KelleyD

"What are you doing with your life, endlessly trying to protect small, wiggly creatures with no sense of fear or gravity? Why can't you just wrap them in bubble wrap and a helmet and let Darwin figure the rest of this nonsense out?"
I LOVE IT!
Have my third boy due in May. Oldest is currently 5.5 and youngest {soon to be middle} is 20 months. Looking at your blog as a case study of what I am in for in a few months.
Also feeling the Lego pain. Older boy got what seems like 5 bajillion Legos from his Grammie and Pop-Pop for Christmas this year. Luckily there are no "kits" so pieces going missing are not the end of the world. The only "Lego" {really the wee Mega-Blocks for older kids} kit he got was a Halo kit that we got him. Only reason he got it was A. he specifically asked for it and B. it greatly resembles the aircraft my husband works on. And no..it is not EVER allowed to be taken apart. EVER. It took about FOUR HOURS for us to build the effing thing. So no. It will not be taken apart. And yes, he will keep it in his room out of little brother's grabby hands!

BeccaLynn

I swear, I looked at those pictures of Ike in the middle, and was all, "Oh! Look! Old pictures of Ezra! HOLY CRAP, No! Ike?? What are you doing being your brother's twin?!"

SarahB

Oh, what a beautiful shot in the blanket! Cute boy!

How is the sleep going? Our little guy achieved roll over number two in the Miracle Blanket at 3:30 this morning, so I write with the bleary eyes of someone who tried to get her little one to sleep in his crib sans swaddle...

Leeann


I have a Lego Loving boy and for Christmas he got something called a Lay N Go. It is a form of the sheet on the floor concept described above. It makes a big five foot circle on the floor to play Legos on. When they need to be picked up, it makes this cool knapsack thing with all the Legos inside. It even has pockets for Lego people and so forth. I think it is pretty genius and its a great way to store them and also have them ready for playing.
Here's a link. We got the bigger one (because we have a gajillion Legos)
http://layngo.com/products.php

Erin

Oh dear, my second boy is on the way and my first boy is almost two. How long can I stave off the Lego invasion?

Stacy

This is what you "need": http://www.amazon.com/LEGO-774509-Three-Seat-Playtable/dp/B000302ATQ/ref=sr_1_7?ie=UTF8&qid=1325877538&sr=8-7

In my house, we have acutally turned the Thomas the Train table into the lego table. It has a little lip around the sides so they legos don't fall off, and two draws to keep the random pieces in.

Cara

Well...if you can't fight it you might as well go with it:

http://yellowtennessee.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/08/baby-duster.jpg

kimtoo

The fuzz! On the head! Of the squishy little baby in the blue blanket!
Remember how, with the first baby, you clapped and cheered and bragged to anyone who would listen about how the baby was moving? Because, OMG, genius, and oh so cute? Yeah, me too.

Becca

I too have a mobile, commando crawling sprog of the 8 month old variety. He followed me into the kitchen today. And then again. And again and 'ooh lookit - dogs water dish - splashy splash splash'. Also he has gone straight from the commando crawling to hauling himself up on furniture (we're talking day's - it's horrifying!) and cruising. He uses his head in a 'I've paid for these bumpers so I'm gonna use 'em' fashion. Ike is just gorgeous, all your boys are. Love the pics.

TheOtherLisa

Not that I wish evil upon you, but I can NOT wait to read what you post once they start getting their learner's permits. (It is eventually survivable, promise.)

Jen

Oh boy. I told my boys about the lego/poop. My 6 year ate a lego piece on purpose just to see if he would indeed poop it out. Um, yuck bud. Needless to say he was quite disappointed he never "found" it in his poop. Not that he and his 4 year brother didn't examine things quite closely for a few days. Seriously, yuck guys.
Cheers!
Jen

courtney

true story:
i went to pee once and set the baby in the middle of my king size bed. toilet is less than 8 steps from the bed, so i figured i'd be ok. plus, i'd just nursed him so he had that drunken glazed look on his face.
before i even got my pants down, he'd rolled off the bed and smacked his head on the (thank-god-it-was-carpeted) floor. pretty sure i ended up peeing my pants from fear.

Katina

My friends instituted a "if it's on the floor and I step on it then dance around making up random words to avoid cussing in front of my 4-year-old OR if it's on the floor and is small enough to go into your baby brother's mouth, it's going in the trash. No ifs, ands or buts." policy. It wasn't working very well until they actually picked up the stuff and threw it away in front of the 4-year-old (they had been throwing the toys away at the end of the day after the kids had gone to bed and they were cleaning up the living room)

EmJay

OMG!!! THE LEGOS!!!, I have an 8 year old, 5 year old and a 15 month old. Harry Potter and Ninjago are trying to kill my baby. We have created a lego free zone, but not surprisingly the baby doesn't exactly want to stay in that zone. I love legos. I love my kids playing with legos. I'm tired of trying to keep the legos out of the baby's mouth. I purchased everyone of the million or so legos in my house. To think I actually hunted down bargains on bulk legos on Ebay. WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING!!! You learn so much by time the third one comes around. I will seriously harm anyone who even thinks about telling my older kids about lego poop. That is just a disaster waiting to happen.

Laurie

"that weird mostly-arm-powered army trench crawl thing, while his legs paddle desperately behind him" - I call that the commando belly scoot.

My husband just bout the 596 piece Boba Fett Lego space ship for he and my 4-year old son to put together. Please don't take off your shoes when you come to my house.

Jayme

When my daughter started scooting, she did the same arm-pull thing, and her feet just sort of flailed around pathetically, looking for traction. And then one day they found it, and propelled her over her hands face, first into the floor. Hardwood. She, too, has all of the teefs, and got a pretty gnarly busted lip out of that one. I laughed over her little head while she cried in my lap.

Micaila

What every mom of a newly mobile rugrat needs:
A Pudding Cap
http://www.metmuseum.org/Collections/search-the-collections/80017083

Amanda Pack

In awe of baby nom able ness that is Ike. Ugh and I bought mine mega blocks for Chriistmas. (19 mo. Old) oh...so it begins Lego hell.

tracey just another mom

I just love your kids' eyes.

good luck on the Legos. Seriously. Good luck.

Carla Hinkle

I have lived the girl version of that story--my 2 girls' vast collection of Barbie shoes & Polly Pocket accessories constantly threatening their baby brother. No good tips except constant freak-outs ZOMG YOU'RE GOING TO KILL YOUR BROTHER.

Cy

Legos. I still hear their clanking sounds in my dreams. Haunting me to this day.

Rachel

That's the most hilarious thing I've read in a while. It was so funny, that I had to share it with my teenage daughter. What a great dose of birth control for her. She was totally cracking up too. She's the oldest of four and has watched all of this stuff growing up and totally related to it all. Even the fact your kids now view Ike as a science experiment. Good luck. Maybe some baby ankle and wrist weights will slow him down hehehe.

allie


That is why my older kids did not know small legos even existed until baby #3 was too old to choke. Hello duplos!

SUPAHMAMA

I'm all for helmets. They've got some pretty wicked cool ones out now that even I have thought about wearing. Unicorn horns and mohawks? Bring it on.

I'm also very sad for you that the gross out factor didn't work. I could almost see the glee on their faces when they realized that Ike could be their little lab rat. :/

Corinne

I don't understand how we have the same baby? We currently have 8 teeth (at 8 months old! WTF!). And yes, almost crawling but mostly doing the army crawl, and hates to be contained. Of course, our tiny little apartment is full of things for him to get into.

The Little Style File

Love the rolling babies. Watch out mama!

Zaitel

Reading how much trouble you have with this baby as well as the other ones when they were and others confirming it. Makes me finally realize why some mom's are protective of their baby and always keep them within eye sight close to 100% of the time if not 100% of the time. (can you tell I have no kids?)

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