"Teachers Don't Have Phones."
Babyproof Your World, Girl

The Plastic Wrap That Ate New York City

Happy Monday, Innernets! How was your weekend? Ours was fine! I learned two things:

1) When Ike comes down with his big brother's cold, he gets this hilariously gigantic cough -- CAAAAHHH-UGH CAAAAAHH-UGH-UGH-CAH -- and sounds exactly like an old man having a top-volume coughing fit at a quiet restaurant. So the next time you hear a cough like that and start looking for the person to scowl at, like GO OUTSIDE, DUDE, NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR YOU COUGHING UP YOUR LUNG, be forewarned that it could be my baby.

    1a) I mean, you can still scowl at him, if you want. He won't care. Old-man cough badger don't give a shit.


2) Before you bundle your children up and send them outside to frolic in a couple inches of freshly fallen snow, you should PROBABLY confirm that the white stuff on the ground actually is snow. As opposed to a deadly, pointy mix of 10% snow and 90% ice. And you should confirm this fact through a testing method OTHER THAN watching your six-year-old pelt your three-year-old in the face with an iceball. 

    2a) He's fine! The cut didn't even need stitches. 

    2b) (dies)

    2c) Though I have to admit, the sight of both them lying on the icy ground, flapping their arms and legs in a desperate attempt to make snow angels while shrieking "WHY ISN'T THIS WORKING?" was pretty damned funny. But obviously I am tremendous jerk who routinely derives humor in the pint-sized suffering of my children. (See item 1. Also every blog post ever.)


Anyway. Enough about them! I need to talk about plastic wrap! SHUT UP THIS IS IMPORTANT.

Once upon a time, many years ago, I made the fateful decision to buy a box of generic plastic wrap. 


And when I say many years, I am not (for once, not even a little bit) exaggerating. This roll of plastic wrap is like the goddamned loaves and fishes, because it never, ever runs out. It just keeps going and going. An endless, magical supply of plastic wrap.

I should maybe call the Vatican. Or the Paranormal Activity people. 

Because this is the absolute WORST plastic wrap in the history of human kind.

I can't even express how terrible this plastic wrap is. It clings directly and desperately to itself, and nothing else. Put it on a bowl or dish and it will just...sit there, all non-sealing-like while its edges curl in to create an un-straightenable mass of gummed-up plastic wrap. It puckers and creases and instantly folds up into a three-inch-wide strip of uselessness the second you tear it from the box. That is, IF YOU ARE LUCKY ENOUGH to even get it to tear from the box, since instead of those fancy metal tearin' strips the hoity toity brands come with, this stuff has an edge of slightly perforated, long-since-worn-to-the-nub cardboard "teeth":


Hello! Do you need some plastic wrap! Okay! I will start gumming my way through that shit now! You come back in an hour or so. With the scissors. 'Cause we both know this ain't happening.

We HATE this plastic wrap, is what I am saying. Neither of us can use this plastic wrap without vocally complaining about how much we hate this plastic wrap. And while we're not like, AVID plastic wrap enthusiasts, or anything, the topic does come up quite frequently. Several times a week, for YEARS, one of us has bitched out loud to the other about this terrible, terrible plastic wrap.


Giving old boring married people something to talk about since 2007. Can your name-brand products deliver on that promise? For pennies on the dollar? I don't fucking think so, son.

And yet, the plastic wrap keeps going and going and going. I know I bought the big economy size, but this is RIDICULOUS. I should not still be paying for one single crime of frugality, all these years later.

Every once in awhile -- usually while muttering and cursing and trying to rip my third sheet of plastic wrap off the roll in order to mummify an ice cube tray of baby food -- I do stop and think, "Fuck this. I'm throwing this crap out and buying some new plastic wrap. Because life is too short for shitty plastic wrap. Because I am worth it!" 

But then, for whatever reason, I don't. I don't throw the box out and I don't buy a new one. Is it guilt? The fact that we're not using some recycled BPA-free hemp-paper alternative to the shitty plastic wrap? Or because we've made it this far so we might as well see this never-ending shitty plastic wrap storyline until the end? Because we maybe don't even believe that end will ever come so what's the point, we might as well just suck it up? Is it because the SHITTY PLASTIC WRAP IS FULLY IN CHARGE NOW?



I don't know. It's an easily-solved problem that instead has become an epic years-long struggle for no particular reason. If this was a Paranormal Activity movie you'd probably be yelling at us to move or call an exorcist, so maybe we'll just try one of those things. 



I'm currently the owner of your terrible plastic wrap's evil twin, and it's the same story over here. I refuse to throw it away (that would be wasteful) but at the same time I've been purposely overusing the crap (shut up) in hopes that it will FINALLY run out for years. My roomate and I even moved that evil crap into a new apartment. At this point, I think it's a pride thing now. I will see that garbage through to the end!


I HATE plastic wrap no matter the brand, shape, form, length, etc. It is all FROM THE DEVIL. Give me some aluminum foil or some ziploc bags and I'm down with that. Just hearing your plight makes me cringe. Please throw this away mkay.....carry on as you were.....


Perhaps plastic wrap is like un-sitting babies. Quick, go get a sandwhich to wrap up - maybe it will be the end of the roll!

Mrs. CPA

I can tell you that your box of Up & Up is not an anomaly. We had the exact same stuff with the exact same problem. HATE HATE HATE. You probably couldn't even scary movie suffocate a bad guy with this stuff, you'd have better luck trying to use the "cutter" stirp to papercut them to death.


But when you are an old married couple and you actually have the luxury of going out on like a date and you really don't want to talk about the kids and you are sort of drunk you know that you can always bring up the topic of evil plastic wrap for a good laugh. and suddenly you feel totally reconnected again.


I am Canadian but lived in the states for a year and a half several years ago. I say this only to provide some background for my agreement with you about that plastic wrap. I bought it at target once more than 3 years ago and as soon as I saw the picture of that damn box I knew you were about to talk about how shitty it is! You are doing the world a service by warning people and if you didnt deserve new plastic wrap before, you do now! Carry on!


Okay I laughed out loud at this one, hilarious! I have a small list of things that I will not buy generic, and plastic wrap is one! (Also - peanut butter, Ketchup, Garbage Bags, Tampons, and Diapers). A Girl's gotta have her standards. :)


We go through plastic wrap fairly fast at our house because my husband has a meat smoker and often wraps huge chunks of meat. In fact, we keep the plastic wrap with the barbequing/smoking supplies, as it's completely useless in the kitchen (if necessary, we use aluminum foil).

I don't wrap ice cube trays of baby food. Just shove them directly into the freezer. As long as I take the cubes out of the tray after a day or two (to put in freezer bags), they're fine. Once I left a tray for a couple weeks, though, and the moisture leached out creating little dried up pucks of nastiness.

Mel Thorne

May I introduce you to:


Reusable plastic wrap covers with elastic. I swear, whoever invented these should be up for sainthood.


Glad Press'n'Seal. Buy it now. It's magical.


What is WITH that? My husband and I have one from Pathmark (a NY metro chain) that was his mom's. It's even the OLD Pathmark packaging, the one they haven't used for at least fifteen years.

I think it is a plastic wrap conspiracy.


I can't believe I have tears because of a plastic wrap post! Tears of laughter, of course, but tears nonetheless. And not TEARS, which is what your box does not do, just tears, the wet kind. :) Good luck - I vote for the trash pronto!


Into the trash can with it. Life's tough enough.


I don't know how you do it but I believe you are one of the few people in the world that can write a post about plastic wrap and make it so I'm stifling out loud laughs in my cubicle at work! Mad skillz, MAD SKILLZ!!


Thanks for the morning laugh (and dude, if the good stuff can cause me to swear when I attempt to use it, I am glad that box isn't in my home!)


(first time commenter! yay me!)
I tried to look up some plastic wrap crafts so you wouldn't feel bad just throwing it out... but all the ideas i found looked terrible.


3 words: Press and Seal


When we bought our house 6 yrs ago there was an ancient box of cling wrap in the cupboard. I imagine the previous owners left it in a fit of "Leave the crappy plastic wrap! I will not move that shit to the next house."

Life of a Doctor's Wife

I managed to live through the hilarity of the ice-angels and the cardboard nubs, but the "plastic wrap enthusiasts" line killed me dead with the funny.


After years of suffering through my parents buying the Food Lion generic plastic wrap {same cling and non-cling issues as the up&up is sounds, except with the minor upgrade of PLASTIC teeth to cut it with} I started getting the Glad brand of plastic wrap when I was out on my own. And I have neeeeever looked back. Metal cutting teeth of doom on box? YES PLEASE!! Clinging to whatever you are trying to put it on? yes! only minor issues of it clinging to self? {usually if ceiling fan is on and blowing it around or I am just not being careful} yes.
Please, for your sanity...give it a go if you haven't already :)


I had a similar package of never ending crappy plastic wrap FINALLY finally run out last week. It wasn't even an economy size. I think it says it has like 50 feet. That's not much and it still lasted like 2 years and a move! I was going to buy the good shit that would last all of 5 minutes but would actually work, and then I got to the store.

I bought the crappy stuff again and didn't even realize I did it until I got home and went to put it away and I was all, wait a minute GOD DONUT! Not again!

So yeah, I'll try again in another year or two... or I'll get over the "waste" of money and buy the good shit.

I feel your pain. Start plastic wrapping the kids doorways so they can walk into it. I suggest the toilet trick one too, but you'd probably have to clean that up and that's not fair. But maybe you could do that to a public restroom.


I bought a box of plastic wrap through some telemarketer selling stuff for disabled people about ten years ago. THAT BOX OF STUFF WILL NEVER RUN OUT. TEN YEARS!!!

On the plus side? It's actually really kick-ass. Not as convenient as the Press-N-Seal (which didn't exist back when I bought this stuff) but still, will cling to just about anything I put it on and cling HARD.


I want to help: throw that thing in the recycling bin today, before it comes to life at night and suffocates you in your sleep.
ALSO: have you tried to see if your ice cube trays will fit in a large zip loc (or other brand, but the BIG ones) bag? That's what I always used when making baby food, & then you can use them over & over so no more messing with the flipping plastic wrap.
If the plastic wrap does come after you in the night, I suggest burning it with fire. In the yard.
Good luck.


My husband has a cough like that. Sounds like he's about to cough up a fur ball or maybe a lung. I always scowl and tell him to leave the bedroom when he does it at night. Cus I'm a bitch.


I feel compelled now to tell you about my inheritance - that's what my husband and I called the roll of industrial sized plastic wrap that my mother bought, sometime pre-1994, that I was still using until the end of 2011! She died in 2000, and that roll of plastic wrap just went on and on. The box disintegrated years ago, and it turned into just a loose roll in the drawer. I was kind of sad when it finally ran out! :)


"I should not still be paying for one single crime of frugality, all these years later."

That's some good stuff, right there.


I just remembered over Christmas I saw my sister has a jumbo restaurant-style mounted plastic wrap dispenser in her new kitchen. You know, like the things they use to wrap entire racks of food on Top Chef? I wonder how long THAT shit will last.

She's an event planner (former banquet manager) and apparently runs her kitchen like a restaurant, even though no food is ever prepared for commercial use there. She even wears (and makes her husband wear) disposable gloves.


Crappy plastic wrap is the bane of my existence and I'm not ashamed to say we've thrown out many rolls for being inferior. We finally got one of the giant boxes from Costco (with the slide cutter) and it. is. AWESOME!

Didn't like the press & seal stuff because it left a gummy substance on my plates.


I've had the same (different) generic brand of cling wrap since 2001. I kid you not. I acquired it USED during college. Not to be competitive or anything, but I bet mine is older. ;). I also can't bring myself to buy more, but I will use just about anything else to avoid the horrible cling wrap. Do you want to start a support group with me?


I was once the owner of said Cling King! Purchased to save pennies, naturally. It did last, forever, but sadly, because it was on SALE and I had a great up & up coupon, I stupidly purchased 2, count them TWO freaking boxes of the stuff. So, when I was joyously leaping up and down at the end of the roll, I quickly landed in a pile of reality SHIT that was the fresh, new roll of Cling King in the back of my cupboard! UGH! Will it never end?!


I will caution you to not buy any ziploc-esque bags made by the same manufacturer as your lovely plastic wrap. Whether regular or freezer - the damn things WILL NOT stay closed. I have since sworn off any type of storage or wrap-esque material made by that company. It is NOT like Glad. It is NOT like Ziploc.


Plastic wrap someone helpme please. I bought a box a while ago and it became all about the cutter. It had a cool cutter you slide back and forth. What brand I don't know because I move the cutter from box to box, and insert it on a new roll into the new box and write all over in sharpie "don't throw the cutter away"!!!!


hahhaha...omg we have the exact same plastic wrap and what you speak is the Truth.


Use the crappy plastic wrap for a prank. As in wrap someone's car with it...that'll use it up and then you will just HAVE to get new plastic wrap!


.... and the PS is that you finally threw it away after typing this post, right?



Fell in love with my pediatrician when she said that babies coughing sounded like old smokers at Vet Homes.

And Stretch-Tite, despite the spelling, is the ONLY wrap I can use with success. It is super awesome, as long as that first crucial unwinding/set up part is done correctly. Yellow box with blue accents. Sticks like a mother to bowls and suchlike and is thick enough or something to not fold over on itself the second it's torn. So delightful. I believe it's Kirkland/Costco line?

Suzy Q

I changed my BFF's entire LIFE by buying her a roll of Glad Press N Seal. Tru fax!

300,000 x infinity = comedy gold!


I hate that plastic wrap, too. I am giving you permission to throw it out and try something else! (then come to my house, throw mine out, and get me something else, too!)


I hate that plastic wrap, too. I am giving you permission to throw it out and try something else! (then come to my house, throw mine out, and get me something else, too!)


We have the hateful neverending Up and Up trash bags that are too damn small to really fit around the outside width of our trashcan and so every time you have to STRETCH AND STRETCH to make it fit, only for it to split a seam. It's lasting forfuckingever. My condolences, Amy.


I actually love that plastic wrap and HATE the name-brand kind. LET'S TRADE!!!


Bless your heart for that honey badger reference: )


Are you sure we aren't long lost twins?? Everything that happens to you happens to me! Talk about paranormal activity. I once heard that if you store it in the freezer that it will magically work better and be more like the shrink wrap at the deli/meat counter and it will stick better because it's warming up around the bowl. ALSO LIES! I kept that shit in my freezer and expected it to magically be awesome, and it didn't work any better! I'm always afraid to throw it away too because then I'll need some in between being able to buy more, but WHY? It doesn't work anyway! Craziness.


This is SO WELL TIMED because my entire post today was about how I will hate something, dread something, ACTIVELY AVOID something and yet I will not take the teeniest tiniest step to fix the problem. Throw out the plastic wrap that probably cost $1.47? PERISH THE THOUGHT.


OMG...I have had that same feeling when the crappy plastic wrap will not die or mysteriously disappear. Now? I refuse to buy anything but Glad Press'n'Seal. "Buy it now. It's magical." Amen.
I'm off to share this with my mom because she will so totally relate and almost wet her pants like me.
You are SO FUNNY! What a gift.


dont even think about putting that brand of plastic wrap in the microwave. i'm pretty sure it partially liquified and got into my food.

Jenn H.

Trash bags, tampons, & plastic wrap- The "Never Buy Generic" trifecta!

Toss it and go buy name brand! ;)

Thrift Store Mama

I LOVE saving money by shopping at the thrift store, consignment sales, baking what is easy enough for me to do. But there are about 3-4 things that I refuse to use the store brand and cling wrap is definitely one of them (freezer bags and vegetable oil spray are 2 of the others).

Put yourself out of your misery, throw it away, and get the name brand good stuff !!!


OH MY GAWD YES. I have that same roll and I'm fairly sure we bought it the week we moved into our house, which was in 2008. It will. not. end. And I cut myself every damn time I use it. It doesn't cling to SHIT. Glad it's not just me. Also glad I'm not the only one who also has not bought a roll of decent plastic wrap.


Consider this another public service announcement about Up & Up. Do not EVER EVER EVER buy their tampons. Yes, I am ashamed that I even considered generic tampons, and I now know that generic tampons are designed by a group woman hating men who have been humiliated at some point in their life by a menstruating woman. Those things will NOT come out of the damn plunger even if your life depended on it. You can only imagine what a mess that is on like Day 2 of your cycle, when said tampon is inserted in the plunge position and yet WILL NOT PLUNGE. And since you forgot to replace the ones in your purse, are the only tampons you have. And you are even possibly wearing white pants.

I apologize whole heartedly to any men who may be in Amalah's comments at this time.


Had that brand. Hated that brand. Threw that brand away b/c my sister bought gooder brand at Thanksgiving. BUT. I fully get not throwing it out until it's all used up, every wadding into itself sheet.

Hope Ike is feeling better; old man cough begone.


I am literally crying with laughter. Think I used to own the same plastic wrap. And paper cut.


One of the few things in my kitchen that I do love is my plastic wrap. Resinite sticks to everything and is my friend. And that's a good thing because the box contains 762 meters (2500 feet) of the stuff!

emery jo

I could have written this exact same post, because I TOO have a box of up & up plastic wrap that I have owned for longer than two of my three children. hahahahaha *weep*


I think there is clearly a plastic wrap conspiracy. I FINALLY got rid of all of the Rite Aid plastic wrap I inherited like 7 years ago from my law school roommate. It sucked, but I am so cheap that I couldn't bring myself to just throw it away (even though I didn't even buy the stuff!!) so I suffered for years. I am now the proud owner of a roll of THE GOOD STUFF. And though it's been only a few months, it's already almost gone. Huh?!


I will ONLY buy brand-name plastic wrap for this very reason. Throw it out, girlfriend!


We had this exact same dilemma for YEARS. Then one day I decided to try a box of that Glad Press 'n' Seal and oh my dear sweet lord. There's no reason to ever use regular plastic wrap ever again. You don't have to use nearly as much of the stuff either. It's awesome.

Jennifer R

Maybe, just maybe
The Mister is playing a hilarious run on joke in which he keeps buying more rolls of this and keeps putting slightly new ones (you know have to take off a bit to make it look authentic) back in the box. So you THINK it's lasting forever, but it is really a bunch of rolls. And secretly laughing about it when you complain.


I proudly only buy generic products (for the most part). I hate hate hate when those things come back to bite me in the ass. I am now suffering my way through not one but TWO boxes of dollar store 'swiffer' pads for my wetjet mop. Kill me now.


at first I thought the graffiti was actually written on the physical box (second glance and I think it is digital graffiti), and all I could think was "You guys are so awesome I'm totally going to do that at my house too"


You generally crack me up. But this? Made me laugh so hard my own small (long suffering) children thought there was something wrong with me. So funny you are!!!!

mrs. q.

Stretch Tite. Not other will do. The end.


Same plastic wrap story in my house, except yours is 100 gazillion times funnier.

I bought Crappy Wrap at a dollar store exactly five years ago. FIVE years of pain and torture for a $1 roll of Crappy Wrap that does not work.

However, I still try, then just curse it and use a ziploc or fake-tupperware (also generic and crappy). Will it ever run out?


Disclaimer: this comment will demonstrate why I am going to hell.

Donate it to a food bank or a soup kitchen. They will be grateful. TRUST ME ON THIS.

(says she of the three cans of rejected coffee in the garage that will be donated)


That said, the only "generic" brand plastic wrap I will buy is Kirkland (aka Costco).

Of course I've had a 3 pack on the go for about 10 years, so I could be wrong now.


Add the Up and Up zip top bags to the list. The zip does not stay closed. (Yet I still can't toss the damned box.) It's been in my pantry for years.Ugh.


I have the same problem. I wrap the entire bowl of leftovers over snd over in it, and it still does no good at all. Use like 10 feet each time before I just put a plate on top, or go buy more aluminum foil. I think my Mom bought this Glad Wrap(ironic that yours compares itself to it in a good way)when I moved in with my husband 2 Years ago!


over AND over, oops.


I live in Jordan (over here next to Iraq and Syria), and Jordanian plastic wrap must be made by the same manufacturers because it is awful and curse-y. When my parents visited, they hated the plastic wrap so much that after they went back home, they mailed me a gigantic roll of Costco wrap. I love that stuff. Every night when I pack school lunches, I say a little prayer that it doesn't run out until it's time to move again.


Never have truer words been spoken...remember when Saran Wrap changed their "formula" a few (ha, probably 10 now...damn, time flies...) years ago, and to get the GOOD stuff, you had to fork over more cash to buy Saran Wrap Classic? Yeah, I'm still paying the big bucks, but boy is my sanity worth the good plastic wrap.

ANYWAY, so, Valentine's Day (yes, it's right around the corner! This is your friendly reminder!) gift idea? Wrap up a box of The Good Stuff, and ceremoniously throw out The Shitty Stuff [goes without saying that this is AFTER the ragamuffins go to bed]. Whooooooo boy, THAT will get his heart racing for sure (if he's anything like my man, anyway...)! :)

Korinthia Klein

I thought it was me! I have the same stuff and can never make it work and I just thought I sucked at plastic wrap.

Jenn T.

Reynold's Plastic Wrap is the only stuff I use. I don't care how expensive it is, it works. You can stretch that stuff & it'll cling to anything & everything. Love it.


Life is definitely too short for shitty plastic wrap! I tend to distrust the notion that brand-name goods are actually any better than their counterparts, but when it comes to plastic wrap, I finally had to bite the bullet, throw out the generic crap, and buy the stuff that actually WORKS.


That would so be me with trying to get the old man to go outside and cough his lung out so we wouldn't HAVE to see his death in process (and scar every single child in the restaurant) and his words would probably be "I don't give a shit" loud enough for everyone to hear.

I can totally see myself also doing that with my kid (if and when I have one) to let them run around in the snow without testing it first. Down side, it would probably also be ME throwing the ice ball and looking at the damage I did but UP side? (the hilarity of seeing your kid being knock out by ONE snowball in THE FACE!)

The demonic of generic plastic wrap has it's grasp on you quite well. I shall look for a exorcist but probably end up with the Paranormal Activaty people anyways.


Same exact plastic wrap, same exact story.


Throw it out!!!! Buy better stuff!!


OHMYGOD we had that same plastic wrap and for YEARS! And for years I complained about it but kept hoping it would FINALLY be finished but it wasn't. And then one day, after I used sheet after sheet because it kept sticking to only to itself and I couldn't get it to UNstick, I did it. I threw it out. Now we have name-brand cling wrap and I am happy. The End.

I can't tell you how much this post made me laugh. Thanks!


Same plastic wrap, same hate, but I did throw mine out at some point.

I know medicine is more closely regulated, but doesn't this make you wonder about generic vs. brand medicine? My body is probably like, "Gah, no! Not the generic painkiller from Target! Get some real Advil asshole!"


Stretch Tite is the greatest plastic wrap ever ever ever.

I have noticed that I tend to hate all of the Up & Up generic brand stuff. All of it. Especially the eye makeup remover that doesn't remove eye makeup.


Just use the evil plastic wrap to wrap up breakables that you are mailing or donating.. The plastic wrap makes it so that they don't slip,slide or break and then it's someone else's problem - also a totally legit use, not a "waste" and then get thee to the good stuff.




Have the exact same plastic wrap story. Have had it forever. It cuts my fingers to shreds everytime and the roll will.not.end.the hell. Hate the ever lovin guts out of that shit. Target is the devil.


Stretch Tite is the BEST - used to be only at Costco, now in all supermarkets. Throw that box OUT, dammit - you deserve better! You are worth it!


I know! You could use it to wrap around baby Ike from the neck down, and keep him safe from himself! Ha.
Dude, glad to know. I learned the same lesson the hard way about generic Q-tips. Bad idea.


Oh crap, yes. I have made this same mistake and it is the WORST. I, however, apparently buy the roll that only covers a bowl and a half, because I certainly have had shopping-amnesia and bought it several times. Blurg.


Well the stars must be aligned because I, a regular reader of your blog, just so happen to work in packaging for Target! I actually forwarded this blog post to the entire up&up packaging team and was immediately informed that the "teeth" on the side of the box are being improved as we speak! I can't really speak to the quality of the wrap, though. That's the vendor's fault unfortunately.

Love your blog and I hope you continue to love Target despite its occasionally shoddy plastic wrap :)


I sense plastic wrap wars in your future! Just think: you'd be able to buy more than one brand! I hate the stuff, but my mom swears by the Sam's Club variety. Even though it means she has to go to Walmart...which she avoids like the plague. :)


Freaking funniest thing I have read all week. Thanks for that!


This made me laugh. And laugh and laugh and laugh. So thank you!


I am many days late commenting on this one, but as someone else commented above, Glad Press & Seal is da bomb. We have to have priorities...

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