I'M ON A TRAIN
February 17, 2012
Surprise! I'm currently en route to New York City. You know, for stuff. Just the usual glamorous kind of drop-of-a-hat jet-setting that I am all about. To call this trip "last minute," however, is such an understatement that I think it might actually be offensive to minutes.
I'm not even 100% sure I'm allowed to tell you anything else about the trip until later because I signed the contract thingie at 5 am this morning and therefore haven't the faintest idea what I just agreed to. I HAD A TRAIN TO CATCH AND ONLY THREE HOURS TO MAKE A 22-MINUTE TRIP TO THE STATION HOLY SHIT PANIC.
(If you don't see at least one Instagram photo from me later, best to just go ahead and assume the answer was "white slavery" and delete me from your bookmarks.)
Anyway, since we all know that each and every independent, unsupervised venture outside my own front door is an exercise in terror, allow me to recap the happenings thus far.
(NOTE: I have been on the train for 14 minutes.)
1) Spent entire night attempting to comfort violently teething baby. Failed miserably. Currently operating on 45 minutes of sleep. Goddamn vampire teeth. God. Damn.
1a) Alternated between coos of soothing lullabies and bitter regret over delaying trip until this morning instead of bailing the hell out last night. Because you just know the kid is going to sleep for 17 hours straight tonight, right, when he's 100% Jason's job? You know, I know, the entire universe knows.
2) Walked halfway to Metro station before realizing I'd forgotten my cell phone in my car, back in the parking garage.
2a) Went back to car, grabbed charging cable to yank phone off passenger seat and over center console to where I could rea...
2b) WHEEEEEE FLYING iPHONE SAYS I'M FREEEEEE
2c) Retrieved newly-shattered phone from under the car.
2e) It still works and all, but COME ON.
3) Failed to grab first seat I saw on train, thus ended up sitting backwards at one of those table things with a couple of the noisiest, chatty mcchattersons ever.
3a) They don't "do" Twitter. Just don't see the point, you know?
1) Well, to bitch about people like you, for starters.
2) Oh my God, if top-volume Adele can't drown out your insipid conversation, YOU NEED TO DIAL IT THE FUCK DOWN, YOU'RE SIX INCHES AWAY FROM EACH OTHER.
3b) The good news about sitting in the only backwards seat in the car is that I can type all the caps-locky shit I want about everybody else without worrying about my font size.
3c) The bad news about sitting backwards while hate-typing is the vague sense of impending motion sickness. Oh, God.