Cooking With the Mighty Zah

Official Post-Valentine's Day Recap ExtravaganzSQUIRREL!

I had a really nice Valentine's Day, thank you for not asking, but allowing me to pretend that you did. We're all organic and conversational up in this bitch!

For the first time in years, I was thoroughly pleased with my own gift-and-card-related offerings for Jason: 

I love you i know bracelets

Geeky Han-and-Leia bracelets from Spiffing Jewelry.

Vday card

Super-highly-mature card from Wit and Whistle.

Usually I get completely out-gifted by my thoughtful, creative husband while I'm like: Here's a sweater? It's red? I bought you some chocolates but I ated them? 

Not that Jason did too shabbily himself, or anything. But he's an established pro at Valentine's Day -- gifts! flowers! candy! pampering! home-cooked gourmet meals and champagne! -- so I'm usually just happy to not suck too badly at it. 

Since the babysitter works on Tuesdays, we played hooky had a lunch date together at a restaurant nearby, a place we've gone several times with ALL OF THE CHILDREN in tow, and the hostess gave us a suspicious side-eye when she sat us, like "aren't you the ones wot show up with all them kids usually? where's your baby? oh dear God, did you leave him in the car?"

Then we both went to the Valentine's Day party at Noah's school, which thrilled him to no end, because NOW I CAN SHOW YOU OUR MEALWORM FARM, MOMMY. 



After that, we came home and basically counted the hours until bedtime, so we could enjoy a fancy grown-up dinner in peace. (And you know, rrrrroooomance.) We were almost home free by 7:30, because everyone was already acting so tired, so I corralled the boys upstairs and oh yeah, that's when the giant fucking squirrel got inside the house and holed up in the living room for awhile.


I was rocking Ike to sleep when I heard Jason yelling -- and I mean YELLING -- a string of oh my Gods! and Ceiba! Ceiba! Ceeeeeeiiiiiiiibas!

I could tell he was trying really hard not to let a string of f-bombs loose too (FUHcrap! WHATTHEFUHHHreak!), what with the children still being awake and busy brushing their teeth, and I tried to figure out what in the hell he caught Ceiba doing that would warrant such an outburst -- actively taking a crap on the couch? Climbing in the fridge and helping herself to our creme brulee? Sneaking a cigarette? Doing DRUGS? WHAT?

I was completely stuck in that I Must Remain Hushed And Zen Despite All Hell Apparently Breaking Loose Downstairs spot, since Ike was alllllmost asleep and if I dared raise my voice to find out what was going on, I knew he'd jerk fully awake and be all, "Welp, that took the edge off! Let's party!" for the next five hours. So I kept my mouth shut and assumed that whatever it was, it had to be something Jason could handle. Plus, I still feel like he owes me a little bit for daring to be on a business trip right at the exact moment the oven decided to catch on goddamn fire

Jason appeared at the nursery door about 15 minutes later. He looked like he could use a drink or seven.

"We are never," he said quietly, so not to startle the baby, "EVER. Leaving trash out on the back deck again."

My mind flashed back to the morning of the shredded, scattered trash bag. Really? All that was over the dog getting into the trash? There couldn't possibly have been anything grosser in it than all the Disgusting Paper Towels of Horkgate Grossness that I had to clean up, unless, oh God, did Ceiba eat something dangerous? Is she...wait, no.

"I put the trash inside the recycling bin," I protested. It was a small bin, without a lid, but still too high for Ceiba to get into. "How did she get..."

"Not Ceiba," he said. "I picked up the bag and brought it inside so I could take it out front to the curb. And...a squirrel jumped out of it."

Not just any squirrel, apparently, but the biggest, fattest squirrel Jason had ever seen -- easily as big as our dumb little dog -- who had decided to take up permanent residence inside our trash bag. It took a flying leap out of a hole in the bag somewhere in the kitchen and took off into the house, eventually settling behind a bookcase in the living room. Ceiba (being dumb, little) ran after it, even though the thing could have probably bitten her head off, honey-badger style.

While I stayed upstairs, obliviously rocking Ike to dreamland, an epic struggle of Man, Squirrel, Pursedog and Broom had been going on without me. 

"I locked Ceiba in the bathroom and eventually chased it out the door with a broom," he informed me. "So it's gone now."

"Did you take a picture of it?" I asked, while shaking with silent, gasping laughter, as I am both 1) experienced when it comes to harmless yet spastic wildlife trapped in the house, and 2) an asshole.

No, he did not. I know! I'm disappointed too. That would have made it officially the best Valentine's Day ever. But I guess you'll just have to take my word for it that it was at least a pretty close second. 

Dramatic squirrel



If I don't get a squirrel next Valentine's Day I'm going to sulk, big time. I got the oven-catching-on-fire shit today, so I feel I'm due some squirrelly fun. And as that's the only Valentine's Day "gift" I can even vaguely expect to receive, my hopes are now HIGH.
Squirrel. Hell yes.
14 Feb 2013 - one squirrel required.

sonja lange

you and the animals - it is like a disney princess thing except without all the singing and dress making


May be the best ending to any Valentine's Day I know of... He got to play hero!


Your household definitely takes first prize in ridiculous wildlife encounters.


Sitting at my desk at work trying to keep wraps on my laughing. Neiboring offices now think I'm nuts. Also, I am dying to know what the inside of that card says.


I went back and read the Angry Bird post because I loved it so much the first time, and snorted coffee when I read the first comment that said, (paraphrasing) "Careful, next time it might be a squirrel or raccoon."


That is the most awesome Valentine's story ever. Especially because you managed to distance yourself from the catastrophe so completely! Way to let the Dad handle it. Wish I could have seen his face afterwards.


OK, best valentines story i have heard EVER! you guys got a valentines squirrel! :)

also, love the bracelets.


Ok, those bracelets are the coolest things ever. When I meet my Star Wars-soulmate, we're getting wedding bands that say those lines.


I had a similar poofy tale rodent incident. We heard a scratching in our woodstove one day. Figuring a silly little bird had gotten down in there, I peeked in. Instead of little beady bird eyes peeping out there were large beady squirrel eyes peeping out. We had grand plans of trapping it in a sack and taking it outside. But just in case, we opened the door to outside and closed all the interior doors before we opened the stove. We open the stove, squirrel shoots out like a furry rocket, over a baby gate, down the hall, finding no escape comes back down the hall and THANKFULLY straight out the door back into the wild outdoors where he belonged!


Holy hell. My sides ache with laughter. Please tell Jason teh internets are laughing at his expense.


BEST.SQUIRREL.STORY.EVER! A close second of course is the squirrel hopping out of the tree in National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation which is exactly what I pictured when I pictured that squirrel jumping out at Jason. Bless his squirrel wranglin' heart...but MAN I sure wish there was a picture!


Oh, this post makes me happy for so many reasons. So damn funny. Thank you.

cagey (Kelli Oliver George)

UGH. We have had so many run-ins with squirrels, I had to add a category to my blog called "Tastes Like Chicken" (Note: I don't actually KNOW if squirrels taste like chicken and I don't ever plan to find out) Additionally, our cats have brought in rabbits, chipmunks and mice.

In short, I feel for you.


Laughed until I cried at this. You need to write a book of short stories of all the adventures you guys have endured. You have the funniest things happen around there.


I do not wants a squirrel. Not here nor there nor anywhere. (And now all I can hear is Veruca Salt's voice saying squir-rell. Thank you).

But you do know that's what he gets for the oven and the basement snake and the bird, right? Valentine's Day win for you.

Suzy Q

Wildlife, man. Why can't Nature stay outside where it belongs?


Lucky it wasn't this big fella


Growing up I had to help my dad chase 2 squirrels, a bat and a raccoon out of our living room. The joys of having a chimney. Nature is fun!


Sounds like you coulda made 2, maybe 3 meals outta that squirrel. Easily.

Maybe next yesr.


I have never laughed so hard in my life! I am sorry that happened to you, though...!!


Oh, the memories...

A few years ago, while visiting my rents for a few days, a squirrel got in the house. We blocked it off in the living room by using sheets to cover the doorway (no door). Then we went in with the Havanese on a leash. We figured he'd be a pro at flushing it out but for a dog who can see a squirrel 400 ft away and up a tree while outside, he was useless when it was right in front of him indoors. End of story involved a mouse trap and peanut butter.


I am trying to laugh while not waking babies and ohshit that story is funny. Yes, a photo would ever made that Valentine's Day untoppable. Fantastic. Love the bracelets and card, btw.


"he'd jerk fully awake and be all, "Welp, that took the edge off! Let's party!" for the next five hours." lmfao. i know this too well.


I hope there was a gratuitous beej in there somewhere for Jason, for not alarming the childrens.


Ohmigod, thank you so so so much for the incredible laff-cry on this day of unbelievable ridiculousness. And I love the bracelets. Nice going there!


I have tears TEARS! Of laughter streaming down my at that picture at the end! Lmfao
My husband is giving me a 'oh shit she's finally lost it' look as I sit here still crying laughing!
God that was awesome hahahaha


Funniest thing Ive read in FOR- EV-ERRRR.


Those bracelets (and all of the shop's other geeky jewelry) are fabulous!

The squirrel story reminds me of this hilarious story from NPR about some newbie cops being called to help a couple get a squirrel out of their house. Cracks me up every time I hear it!


Oh. My. God. My abs hurt from laughing so hard. Why does stuff like this never happen to me? I would film the whole effing thing. Probably. After I changed my pants.


When the page first loaded, I could only see about half of the 1st pic. Couldn't tell what I was looking at. Very relieved to see wrists when I scrolled down!

Also, would love more cooking posts!


My first thought at viewing that first picture was, "Man, Amy has some hairy arms!" Then I saw the full picture!
That was the funniest story ever! Not only was the story great, but you're story-telling style is so classic!


HAAAAA! All I can think about is Clark Griswold on Christmas Vacation with that damn squirrel in the house. Hysterical.


How do you guys find all of this wild life? I would love love love to hear Jason's version of this story. Guest post!


They could seriously make the next National Lampoon's movie based on your blog. How does all this stuff HAPPEN to you guys?! Poor Jason, but then was about time he had to deal with something CRAZY...I am actually shaking at my desk I am laughing so hard...


Down here the raccoon family will spread out over the yard like immigrant workers harvesting a crop. I don't know what those fuckers bury in our driveway but six or seven of them will roll up late night to retrieve it.

We stay inside. We don't tangle with the masked raiders.


Great story! Except for the boob card. That thing should reflect two distinctly different sized to boobs to match the reality of breastfeeding and, well, life. Unless yours are still perfectly balanced, then god bless you!! Ha!


Note to self: do not read Amy's blog while nursing, as the uncontrollable laughter will cause the baby to unlatch and relatch on your sore nipple. Also it will annoy sleeping husband next to you.

Thank you for this post--I needed yo laugh that hard.


Ok, I'm going to give Jason some solidarity here, having gone through a squirrel-mageddon myself... IT SUCKS. Show the man some sympathy. Just look at this:

Fist bump Jason. I feel your pain.

Helen Spencer

So funny. I once had a bat circling the bedroom at 2am. NOT funny. We made a 'sonic curtain' from a sheet whilst my 6'2" husband screamed like a girl....Memories!


Normally your posts make me laugh, but this one made me bust out, at work,out-loud and people started looking at me like, WTF is she reading??
Also, the picture of the squirrel at the end really made did it for me!


So funny. LOVE this post. :-)

Megan Thomas

Nice Blog

Jenn S

ha! thank you...i needed a good laugh today, desperately. this just made my day so much less rough!


I'm pretty sure "squirrels" are never actually squirrels. You've heard people say, "oh isn't that cute, there are squirrels on on roof" or "Oh, a 'squirrel' must have got in our attic and is making all that noise running around up there". Nope, in the city, I think they are usually big fat ((rats)). Especially in the garbage. We just don't like to say that, so it's much nicer to believe they are squirrels.

Don't fret though, squirrels are just like rats, but with fluffier tails.


My fiance is obsessed with squirrels. He thinks they are the cutest things in the world, so I think for a wedding gift, I am going to give him some FANCYYYY squirrel sculpture or statue.... y'know to show I care and pay attention, etc. etc.

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