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January 2012
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March 2012

Our cat used to try to get into our kitchen cabinets, but was sadly not quite smart enough to succeed. He'd hook a paw around the edge of the door, open it a few inches and then -- seeing the opening and getting overly excited -- put his paw down and start walking towards the opening. Which would vanish. Right as his head thwacked into the newly closed door. Over and over, he would repeat this while we listened to the telltale double-thump of door-head, door-head from the living room, shaking our own smarty-pants human heads sadly. Our Boy, He Is Just Not Very Bright. I thought eventually he might figure out how to stop the door from closing by propping it with his head BEFORE putting his paw down, but he never did. He just stopped trying. Fucking cabinets, how do they work? *** Today while I was getting dressed, Ike scooted gleefully around my bedroom -- his army-trench-crawl has gotten wicked fast, but he refuses to improve his form and move on to "real" hands-and-knees crawling. So he spends hours propelling himself around on his belly, usually with one of Jason's socks or some toilet paper stuck underneath... Read more →


Previously: The Ultimate Master List Of Every Baby-Related Thing I Like & Recommend Except For All The Things I Probably Forgot To Mention So. I hate to break it to you, but it turns out there's a hell of a lot more to parenthood than onesies and strollers and debates over whether the right crib mobile can increase your child's chances at getting into Harvard. And while you might think you can add a first-aid kit and some Infant's Tylenol on your registry and call it a day, the fact is that your child, one day, is going to get sick. Disgustingly, relentlessly sick. We've gotten caught woefully unprepared plenty of times -- it happens. We've reached for the Motrin only to discover it expired in 2007. We've cursed at empty post-Tylenol-recall shelves at the drugstore because NOW WHAT. We've stood around Googling rashes and cough sounds in the middle of the night. We've paced the hallways and stared helplessly at the ceiling while our baby wailed because there was just nothing we could do except wait until whatever was wrong with him was over. You probably will do all that too. And everything will still turn out just fine.... Read more →

*peeks head around door* *eyes room nervously* *steps inside* Is it safe? Is everyone...healthy? Can I sit down and relax for a minute know...having to talk about the vomit and the vomiting and the vomiting on top of various surfaces up to and including my own neck? Can I at last possibly maybe change the frigging subject already? The coast looks clear. For now. Hurry! WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT MY HAIR. The last time I yammered on about the topic, you may remember, I was going through what I affectionately and accurately described as my Chia Pet period. I was pregnant with Ike and my head had decided to grow a new pelt of wispy stick-out-y hair all over the place. I even illustrated the situation for you. The problem miraculously solved itself at some point, right when I stopped paying attention. I'm not sure what happened: Either the short bonus hairs all fell out later in the second trimester, or they grew super-fast and started laying flat and blending in, more or less. By the third trimester, my hair once again achieved its typical pregnancy-induced awesomeness. Indeed, on the day Ike was born, I was sporting... Read more →

So after THAT happened, Ezra was once again knocked back to dietary zero. Liquids only, then small amounts of bland foods, then slightly less small amounts of bland foods, and so on and so forth. Ezra was...not pleased. Ezra had other ideas. Ezra found my box of Secret Mommy & Daddy Valentine's Day Cake. Caaaaake? Chocolate caaaaake? Dis one? Peas tank you welcome? The thing is, there was nothing in the world I wanted to give this child MORE than his very own chocolate cake. Look at his little neck! The thinned-out cheeks! His arms are toothpicks and his backbone is knobby! Child, just keep that dinner of white rice down overnight and I swear, I will pump you so full of milkshakes and sticks of butter that even Paula Deen will finally be like, "okay, yeah, even I'm getting a little judgy now, y'all." Where my Weight Gain 5000 be at? He cried, of course, when he realized I was serious about No Cake For You, but refused to part with the box for the rest of the night. He sat hugging it on the couch for while, tracing the lovely delicious pictures with his fingers, talking to it,... Read more →

After finishing up yesterday's entry, I closed the laptop with a flourish, satisfied that it was the last time I would have to discuss anything related to the Great Stampedeing Stomach Illness that had consumed us all for nearly a week. I could, perhaps, finally get around to writing the VERY IMPORTANT entry about my hair that I've been putting off day after day. But first, I had some equally important mental-health-related things to take care of. So I stood up and got dressed and put on some makeup and grabbed my purse and Kindle and got the hell out of Gastroenteritis Dodge. I drove to a sushi restaurant -- the one that has the tuna dish I like but nothing the kids are willing to eat so we never go there, especially since it's three doors down from a place that serves peanut butter and jelly and Noah KNOWS IT, DON'T YOU DENY HIM THE CHANCE TO ORDER THE SAME DAMN SANDWICH HE EATS EVERY DAY OF HIS LIFE, EXCEPT THAT IT COSTS $4.95 AND COMES WITH A SIDE OF FRUIT HE WILL NOT EAT. And then...I just...ate the tuna dish I liked. And some soup. I took as... Read more →