This Is Some Award-Losing Nonsense, Right Here
February 28, 2012
In honor of my shiny new super-organized (for now, but check back in 30 seconds) office, I present an entry without any topic at all. But disorganized, stream-of-consciousness writing is a valid art form as long as you do it while sitting in a chair, at a desk. FACT. Are you sitting at a desk? I have just legitimized everything you do today. You are a serious professional and nothing will change that. Go on, drip yogurt on yourself. You've earned it.
Apologies to the non-desk sitters in the audience. I was you! All the way up until yesterday! And while I will never forget my roots, I have already forgotten where I was going with this sentence. I'M AT A DESK! To the next topic! Hurry!
1) MY HAIR & ASSORTED AW SHUCKSING
Thank you to everybody who complimented my hair yesterday! In the old days, people used to have to write their own daily affirmations on their mirrors in lipstick. Now we can just post flatteringly-blurry photos of ourselves online. What a glorious time to be alive.
I will add the caveat that those cell-phone-mirror-reflection shots completely hide the unfortunate Chia Bangs, which yes, are still there and are still unfortunate. At my last hair appointment they were the first thing my stylist noticed, and was like: "This is because of the BABY, you know that, right?" I answered that yes, I did, sigh, hormones be crazy, etc.
She examined them closer and added: "But wow, I don't think I've ever seen them THIS BAD before."
*shoots Internet a LOOK, like, the hell?*
However! I will own that from slightly more far away, I am having a Good Hair Phase right now. I recently switched to one of those weird shampoo bars from Lush (the one for oily hair, for my scalp could slick down an entire flock of seagulls and some baby seals in the morning, AND YES I AM JUST THAT SEXY), and I cannot believe I never tried one before. I believe the technical term is "amazeballs."
I weigh almost the same as I did the day I gave birth to Ike (oh yes I do), my chin is melting into my neck (I now stare covetously at other women's jawlines like I used to stare at anyone who had bigger boobs than mine) (which was everybody) and I have crow's feet that are more like octopi-spider-zilla tentacles, but dammit, my hair looks nice most of the time kind of.
Christ, I felt a lot better about myself approximately four paragraphs ago. Perhaps we should change the subject.
2) IF A BLOG AWARD FALLS IN THE FOREST...
Did you know I was nominated for a Bloggie this year? Me the fuck neither.
Last week we attended Parents' Day at Ezra's school and another mother congratulated me for it. And I stared blankly at her because I had no idea what she was talking about, plus I always get momentarily disoriented when someone in real life turns out to be a blog reader, and I freeze and mentally go through my writing because 1) oh dear God, I hope didn't say anything stupid about them, and 2) oh dear God, this person has read approximately fourteen thousand words about my boobs.
I, uh, didn't win. OBVIOUSLY.
3) LUCKILY THE CRIB RAILS ARE PRE-CHEWED FOR HIS BITE-MARK CONVENIENCE
Oh hai. I am up to NO GOOD AT ALL.
I haz a plan. A terrible one.
LOOK AT WHAT I HAVE DONE.
LOOK AT IT.