The Ultimate Master List: PLAGUE & PESTILENCE EDITION
Technicalogical Difficulties

Well Bless Our Hearts

Our cat used to try to get into our kitchen cabinets, but was sadly not quite smart enough to succeed. He'd hook a paw around the edge of the door, open it a few inches and then -- seeing the opening and getting overly excited -- put his paw down and start walking towards the opening. Which would vanish. Right as his head thwacked into the newly closed door. Over and over, he would repeat this while we listened to the telltale double-thump of door-head, door-head from the living room, shaking our own smarty-pants human heads sadly. Our Boy, He Is Just Not Very Bright.

I thought eventually he might figure out how to stop the door from closing by propping it with his head BEFORE putting his paw down, but he never did. He just stopped trying. Fucking cabinets, how do they work? 

***

Today while I was getting dressed, Ike scooted gleefully around my bedroom -- his army-trench-crawl has gotten wicked fast, but he refuses to improve his form and move on to "real" hands-and-knees crawling. So he spends hours propelling himself around on his belly, usually with one of Jason's socks or some toilet paper stuck underneath him. Which is very dignified. As you can imagine. We of course intervene. Eventually.

He managed to get into the bathroom and push the door shut. This angered him. Greatly! Of course he had no idea how to open the door, and couldn't do much beyond sort of grab at it and either push it more closed or pull on it until it hit him in the face and ARGH THIS IS ALL THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT I WANT. 

The problem was, though, that I couldn't quite figure out what to either. I couldn't open the door without hitting him; I couldn't reach in far enough to push him backwards without hurting him since he was planted right next to the sink cabinet; I couldn't just say, "Hey, brainiac, you gotta back up a few inches. Because hinges. Objects in space. The airspeed velocity of unladen swallows." 

And so we battled at an impasse for what felt like an embarrassing, nervewracking length of time. Every time I managed to get my hand through the door and gently nudge him backwards, he hurled himself forward at the door with renewed rage, slamming it shut on my arm. Every time I tried to force the door open, he would move his head into the exact right position to get whacked with the corner of it. All the while I'm pleading with him to calm down and back up, BACK UP, like the English language was going to get us anywhere. 

Anyway, TL;DR, I eventually got the door open and retrieved my baby from the bathroom floor unscathed, but exceedingly dusty.

I felt kind of bad for immediately thinking of the mentally challenged cat vs. kitchen cabinet story, but to be fair, I'm still not entirely sure which one of us necessarily represents the cat in this new-and-improved version, you know?

Ike-monkey2Ike-monkey

Comments

liz

You see, I love that you posted this because I have so btdt.

Melissa

Stop it with the adorable baby. His expression with the monkey in his mouth is too much. I can just picture him growling at the door knob.

Carrie

Laughed till I cried. Seriously.

Olivia

If it makes you feel any better, my nearly 3 yr old likes to run into rooms, slam the door and then yell, "Mommeee, Mommeee!" because she can't actually turn the knob to open the door again. She will at least back up when I tell her to.

Becca

Haha, so awesome. My genius kid used to fall asleep against his closed door EVERY SINGLE NIGHT and then we would have to use brute strength to push the door and slide his unconscious body across the *carpet* enough that we could get an arm in and pick him up. Every night. For MONTHS.

Cris

Well, this is one I'd never heard of. Having to bring down a door because lovely child closed & locked it, yup. Calling the firemen, yup (my childhood room didn't have a knob, guess why). Gently fighting baby on other side of door, and the way you tell it, nope :D Brilliant!

Dawn

You know,I used to think that common sense was something that we just all had. Two kids later I'm finding out that is so not the case. Do they make Physics For Babies? Because seriously child, WTH?
(then had to double check that I wrote 'physics and not psychics because while that would be funny, so totally not the same thing.)

Also: love the Holy Grail shout-out! I knew that there was a reason you are my favorite blogger ever.

Zoë

Poor, sweet little Ike. My 17 mth old girl has a habit of closing the door to the hallway, then crying because she can't open it, and then crying even more as we smash the door into her face when we attempt a rescue because she is, of course, standing right behind the door. Babies are such dumbasses.

Rebecca

I'm sitting here cracking up at your story and then laughing even harder at all the comments...

Also you make pretty cute kiddos! Love that baby smile!

Caroline

"Babies are such dumbasses" that is some funny sh*t right there.

Lindsay

Poor little punkin. He totally makes up for it with that smile, though. :)

Arnebya

Ike is such a sweetie pie honey bunch, even if he may take after the cat. But, all babies and toddlers and big kids and tweens and teens and early adults and should be smarter by now adults are slightly, um, off at times. Zaid knows how to snap himself into the belt of his high chair. But he can't squeeze them enough to get out. He HAS to buckle it every time he gets in the chair, even if he's just playing with the chair. But then he fusses about "out. Mommy. I no can get out. I want out, peas. I stuck." Um, dummy, you wanna stop locking yourself in every damn time?

Becca

Love the pictures at the end and the manic "argh must bite All the things" expression in the second one. My wee one is ages with Ike and doing that too just now. Al very cute and amusing ' til he bites you on the knee...
"babies are such dumbasses" Ha! Love it. Also, sooo true.

SarahB

Oh, poor little buddy!

*laughing really hard*

meekasmommy

thanks for the visual and ensuring laughter :)

sheilah

Loved the 'hey, brainiac' line...had me chuckling at work with the customer in the next cubicle...

And also...African or European?

Plano Mom

That second pic? Jason, man, totally Jason.

Laura

My kid could only crawl backwards for awhile, and always seemed to get lodged in the V between the couch and love seat, he was so angry. But little pumpkin kept doing it over and over, it was hard not to laugh at how mad he got!

Paula

OMG too funny. Also about the scooting around commando-style. My son did that also except he was a prolific drooler and so I got my floor swept AND mopped! Like a Roomba!! Yeah .. those onesies got pretty gross pretty quick.

Jen

This happens to us every.single.day except I'm a mean mommy and just use the door to propel her out of the way. Apparently she thinks it's FUN to be pushed backwards onto the floor (crazy crazy baby).

maggie

Hahaha! Thanks for the laugh:)

Elaine

I have one of those cats that is a little "special" too. She does a very similar thing with one of our cabinets but unlike your cat who gave up she refuses to surrender. Some day she'll beat the cabinet.....some day.

SuzieM

He's TOTALLY sitting up by himself now!!

Kid was just messing with you.

mark

Ike's adorable, and I did something like that once when I was a child. With the bathroom door closed, I opened the vanity drawers, blocking the door from opening any more than 2 inches. It went on for quite some time and everyone but me was traumatized. Victory.

lifewithgusto

Who here among us can honestly say we haven't accidentally banged our baby's head repeatedly with the bathroom door, causing it to ricochet off the sink? Not me.

kimtoo

I needed a like button for all of these. My 2yo's thing is to close every open door she can find, and then stand in the hall knocking on them so the invisible people inside will let her in. I'm tempted to teach her how to open the door her own dang self, but then she would know how to open doors, so...no.

Whimsi

Haven't seen anything about Maximillian (sp?) for a while. Hope kitty is okay.

tracey

Poor Ike. Poor 3rd child. Being compared to the challenged feline. ;)

Denice Johnson

I'muh gonna squish him now. Him needs some squishing.

Sheryl

That post should be nominated for a BlogHer award.
Wait and see!
Thanks for sharing, Amy!

Sarah

ha - this just reminds me of how much my son LOVED button locks. Which we had in the master bedroom. (Its a button! I'm gonna push it!). So he locked himself in. He had done this in the bathroom a few times, but we were able to use a knife to pry open the lock. But the master bedroom door wouldn't work that way, so I ended up coming home one day to no door.

ERIN

LOVE this story. Made me crack up. LOVE u and Ikey baby.

Beth

holy CRAP that kid is cute!

Jules

I am also over here laughing with tears in my eyes. Guffawing, even. MUST stop reading this blog at work... :)

The comments to this entry are closed.