Firemen! Kittens! Tequila! Oh My!
April 16, 2012
Hey! So anybody remember that little trip I took up to New York City, the one I wasn't allowed to tell you anything about at the time? And a few of you kept occasionally asking me just what in sam hill that was all about and I ignored you until y'all just gave up and stopped asking, because I WILL BREAK YOUR SPIRIT AND YOUR ATTENTION SPAN?
Anybody? No? Excellent! Perfect time to bring it back up, then.
So after all the secrecy and embargos and hush-hushness about it, I am thrilled to report that I have been cast as Marilyn Monroe in a new Broadway musicaHA HA JUST KIDDING. No, actually I went up to watch a commercial being filmed.
A tequila commercial.
Now, yes. Tequila and I have had a rocky relationship. We broke up in college and I've occasionally tried to make it work, we've been on but mostly off, because I KNOW tequila can be kind of a jerk but...he's so pretty! And tasty! And he goes so well with tacos!
And so I allowed myself to be once again be seduced by the handsome rogue of tequila and convinced to run off and spend the day with him in New York. Not drinking, or anything, just...you know. To hang out. Talk about our feelings. Just be. Shhh. It's okay now.
(Tequila: The Ikea of the booze world. If that ingenious TV/media storage cabinet fails to solve all your problems, try a margarita instead.)
I woke up at the buttcrack of dawn to head to the train station, and kicked things off Classic Amalah Style by sending my phone FLYING out my car door in a freak charging cable accident. It hit the pavement and the screen shattered.
The good news is that the cracks gave any self-portrait photos I took a lovely, angelic sort of glow:
Never underestimate how flattering a giant patch of upper-arm-and-chin-diffusing light can be, ladies.
Catherine (aka Her Bad Mother) was also invited to come watch the commercial, which was for Sauza Tequila. They were not aware of our History Together, aka That Time We Did An Interpretative Dance Routine During Total Eclipse Of The Heart karaoke And Very Nearly Killed Each Other. I mean, not that it mattered. I love her like a sister. I'm over it.
(AND YET I AM JUST SAYING.)
Anyway! I'd never been to a real live set before. I must say I don't necessary recommend it to anyone who -- like me -- lives in constant fear of being scolded or shushed by Imaginary Authority Figures. Because YOU WILL BE SHUSHED. You will not be able to whisper quietly enough. You will become more aware of the sound of your shoes than you ever were before. The words "ROLL SOUND" will forever shut your ass up faster than...I don't know. FAST.
You will also learn (the hard way) that food stylists are not bartenders. None of this is for you. Woez.
You will be offered about a bajillion different kinds of tea, however.
I debated over trying a cup of the Sugar Controller Blood Cleansing Tea, but thought maybe that sounded a little too loud.
Not that the lack of actual alcohol consumption saved me from nearly killing myself on Various Wires Of Trippy Doom approximately FOUR MILLION HOJILLION TIMES.
This is Catherine, posing in front of the door she accidentally slammed (WHILE SOUND WAS ROLLING) and it literally sounded like the fists of God punching a tower of tequila bottles filled with pennies.
Not pictured: Me hyperventilating on the stairs nearby, half out of asshole laughter and half out of OMG THEY ARE GOING TO FIRE THE MOMMYBLOGGERS.
I totally got to play on the fire engine, by the way. My kids would have been so jealous if they had any idea and/or interest in what Mommy does with her life.
I also totally got to meet this guy, the Sauza Fireman Guy. He reminded me vaguely of Alcide from True Blood -- and I spent much of the day pointing out the resemblence to various people, none of which had ever seen a single episode of True Blood and instead just stared at me, blinking, while I decided that maybe they'd know what I was talking about if I repeated "ALCIDE FROM TRUE BLOOD" in a louder voice but SHHHHHHH WE'RE ROLLING SHUT UP, GOD.
Not pictured: The photos I took posing with him. Turns out me standing next to very very ridiculously good-looking (and funny, nice, expert drink-mixing) guys who vaguely remind me of Alcide from True Blood is not exactly my best angle. My chins multiply when I'm nervous. DEL-ETE.
Luckily, there was really good butter and cheese and stuff on the craft services table to comfort-eat in the wake of ego-bruising photos. Stupid cameras making it look like I need to lose 15 pounds for no stinking good reason oh wait.
A kitten in a beret, people. A kitten in a goddamned beret. Easily the best part of the whole day. But more on him later.
Here's the finished commercial. I hope that I have added value to the viewing experience by helping you picture the exciting behind-the-scenes goings-on of me and Catherine 1) falling down, and 2) bumping into things. You guys, I WAS RIGHT THERE!
AND I ATE ALL THE BAGUETTES.
Thanks to Sauza for sponsoring this post (and my trip to New York City), and for not firing me and Catherine over the door-slamming thing. It was an accident! As was the smaller, secondary slam that happened when I made her recreate the incident for the camera. I SWEAR.