No Party, All Bullsh*t
April 20, 2012
Weeks like this should be illegal. It's been the kind of week where everything has been a kind of low-grade terrible. Just enough to annoy the shit out of you, but not dramatically terrible enough to give you interesting stories for your blog.
But it's Friday! So...whatever. Here, I Wrote You Some Stuffs, Deal With It.
1) MOLARS ARE BULLSHIT
Ike is cutting molars right now. Three of them, so far. His gums are a horrible blackish-purple color and he's cranky and congested and his sleep schedule is all kinds of jacked up. I am tired. I am running low on both Tylenol and wine.
You know molars are a one-year thing, right? Most kids get them sometime around their first birthday? Usually on whatever day you've planned their birthday party?
You know Ike is 10 MONTHS OLD, right? Why you gotta be in such a rush, son?
Because freezer-burned yogurt melts are bullshit, Mother, and I would like to get going on some filet mignon instead.
2) PETS ARE BULLSHIT
Max the Cat has been feeling a bit poorly as well, on and off. Trips to the vet confirm that there's nothing particularly wrong with him, other than being...well, old. (He'll be 14 this year.) And while I do not really AT ALL, NOT ONE LITTLE BIT, want to linger on thoughts about Elderly Max Possibly Not Living Forever And Ever Shut Up It Happens Amen, I have to admit it's been less than awesome dealing with a cat who is routinely barfing all over the place and taking shits in our bed for no apparent reason. Except that he's old! Either put him in some Kitty Depends or change the sheets while focusing on how nice it feels to still have him curl up and keep your feet extra warm at night.
Speaking of old, any longtime readers remember Max's beloved stuffed Puppy?
If so, brace yourselves.
UNDEAD PUPPY WANTZ BRAAAAAAINNNNNZZZZ
Puppy is actually older than Max, so I guess we should be similarly amazed and grateful that he is still here with us and bringing joy to our cat and ignore all the times I've walked into the bathroom in the middle of the night to pee only to be confronted with HOLY SHIT WHAT IS THAT DEAD THING GAAAAHHHH instead.
3) HOMEOWNERSHIP IS BULLSHIT
Our to-do list around our house is pretty long, at this point. Long and expensive. Full of stuff we want to do but just can't (or won't) sack up and spend the money on. I'd (still) like to redo the kitchen. I'd like to replace some furniture. I'd like to upgrade some fixtures and appliances and paint a bunch of rooms. I'd like to hire abchao to come order me to throw everything out and make the whole house look nothing like it actually does, which is awful.
Instead, the only things that ever get done are the things that reach Emergency Trailer Park Status. Like, we need to replace the TV cabinet in the living room because one of the doors BROKE IN HALF and now Baby Ike has unfettered access to the Xbox and a stack of loose DVDs that I keep saying "NO BABY IKE" about and then re-stacking them back in the exact same place because I am too lazy to find another place to put them.
I've wanted to buy new blinds for the boys' room for ages now, but am only going to finally do it because they did this to the current set:
I am really regretting letting them take that Reverse Basketweaving 101 class at the Y, you guys.
And then there's the stuff that just randomly, unexpectedly goes to all hell and costs hundreds of dollars to fix. This week our utility sink clogged up, and since our washing machine drains into it, we couldn't do laundry until we got it fixed.
(I should also mention that the sink clogged up in the middle of a load of cloth diapers, so we spent several days with a sink half full of the dankest, grossest, foulest water you have ever seen or smelled, especially since one of Ike's teething symptoms always seems to manifest IN HIS PANTS, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I AM SAYING, AND IF YOU DON'T I ADVISE YOU TO JUST NOD SO I DON'T FEEL COMPELLED TO GO INTO GREATER DETAIL.)
(The clog was run-of-the-mill lint and hair-based, in the end, for the record. I was so terrified that the plumber would come out and be all, "POOP! THERE'S POOP IN YOUR PIPES! YOUR ENTIRE HOUSE NEEDS A COMPLETE PIPENDECTOMY BECAUSE OF POOP, YOU DISGUSTING, MISGUIDED HIPPIE.")
However! As we are capable adults with excellent coping skills, Jason and I naturally attempted to unclog the sink ourselves before calling the plumber. Which is how we ended up breaking part of the sink drain in the process and had to spend three hundred and forty damn dollars on a new utility sink, which is probably pretty high in the Top Ten List Of The Most Unexciting Home Upgrades Ever.
Anyway, since it would probably be super weird for me to take dinner party guests on a basement tour just to show off our sexy new utility sink (WITH COPPER PIPE EXTENSIONS, HOLLA), I'm posting a photo of it on my blog. Which is only slightly weird.
When we decide to sell this place I am including this photo as a selling point, for sure.