Mr. Big Stuff
And I'm Declaring Tomorrow Hawaiian Shirt Day, FYI

No Party, All Bullsh*t

Weeks like this should be illegal. It's been the kind of week where everything has been a kind of low-grade terrible. Just enough to annoy the shit out of you, but not dramatically terrible enough to give you interesting stories for your blog. 

But it's Friday! So...whatever. Here, I Wrote You Some Stuffs, Deal With It.

1) MOLARS ARE BULLSHIT

Ike is cutting molars right now. Three of them, so far. His gums are a horrible blackish-purple color and he's cranky and congested and his sleep schedule is all kinds of jacked up. I am tired. I am running low on both Tylenol and wine.

You know molars are a one-year thing, right? Most kids get them sometime around their first birthday? Usually on whatever day you've planned their birthday party? 

You know Ike is 10 MONTHS OLD, right? Why you gotta be in such a rush, son? 

IMG_6185

Because freezer-burned yogurt melts are bullshit, Mother, and I would like to get going on some filet mignon instead. 

2) PETS ARE BULLSHIT

Max the Cat has been feeling a bit poorly as well, on and off. Trips to the vet confirm that there's nothing particularly wrong with him, other than being...well, old. (He'll be 14 this year.) And while I do not really AT ALL, NOT ONE LITTLE BIT, want to linger on thoughts about Elderly Max Possibly Not Living Forever And Ever Shut Up It Happens Amen, I have to admit it's been less than awesome dealing with a cat who is routinely barfing all over the place and taking shits in our bed for no apparent reason. Except that he's old! Either put him in some Kitty Depends or change the sheets while focusing on how nice it feels to still have him curl up and keep your feet extra warm at night.

Speaking of old, any longtime readers remember Max's beloved stuffed Puppy?

If so, brace yourselves. 

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UNDEAD PUPPY WANTZ BRAAAAAAINNNNNZZZZ

Puppy is actually older than Max, so I guess we should be similarly amazed and grateful that he is still here with us and bringing joy to our cat and ignore all the times I've walked into the bathroom in the middle of the night to pee only to be confronted with HOLY SHIT WHAT IS THAT DEAD THING GAAAAHHHH instead. 

3) HOMEOWNERSHIP IS BULLSHIT

Our to-do list around our house is pretty long, at this point. Long and expensive. Full of stuff we want to do but just can't (or won't) sack up and spend the money on. I'd (still) like to redo the kitchen. I'd like to replace some furniture. I'd like to upgrade some fixtures and appliances and paint a bunch of rooms. I'd like to hire abchao to come order me to throw everything out and make the whole house look nothing like it actually does, which is awful. 

Instead, the only things that ever get done are the things that reach Emergency Trailer Park Status. Like, we need to replace the TV cabinet in the living room because one of the doors BROKE IN HALF and now Baby Ike has unfettered access to the Xbox and a stack of loose DVDs that I keep saying "NO BABY IKE" about and then re-stacking them back in the exact same place because I am too lazy to find another place to put them. 

I've wanted to buy new blinds for the boys' room for ages now, but am only going to finally do it because they did this to the current set:

Blinds

I am really regretting letting them take that Reverse Basketweaving 101 class at the Y, you guys.

And then there's the stuff that just randomly, unexpectedly goes to all hell and costs hundreds of dollars to fix. This week our utility sink clogged up, and since our washing machine drains into it, we couldn't do laundry until we got it fixed.

(I should also mention that the sink clogged up in the middle of a load of cloth diapers, so we spent several days with a sink half full of the dankest, grossest, foulest water you have ever seen or smelled, especially since one of Ike's teething symptoms always seems to manifest IN HIS PANTS, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I AM SAYING, AND IF YOU DON'T I ADVISE YOU TO JUST NOD SO I DON'T FEEL COMPELLED TO GO INTO GREATER DETAIL.)

(The clog was run-of-the-mill lint and hair-based, in the end, for the record. I was so terrified that the plumber would come out and be all, "POOP! THERE'S POOP IN YOUR PIPES! YOUR ENTIRE HOUSE NEEDS A COMPLETE PIPENDECTOMY BECAUSE OF POOP, YOU DISGUSTING, MISGUIDED HIPPIE.")

However! As we are capable adults with excellent coping skills, Jason and I naturally attempted to unclog the sink ourselves before calling the plumber. Which is how we ended up breaking part of the sink drain in the process and had to spend three hundred and forty damn dollars on a new utility sink, which is probably pretty high in the Top Ten List Of The Most Unexciting Home Upgrades Ever. 

Anyway, since it would probably be super weird for me to take dinner party guests on a basement tour just to show off our sexy new utility sink (WITH COPPER PIPE EXTENSIONS, HOLLA), I'm posting a photo of it on my blog. Which is only slightly weird. 

Utilitysink

When we decide to sell this place I am including this photo as a selling point, for sure

Comments

twobusy

Your life is endlessly exotic.

Dona

We have a 14 year old cat and that same utility sink, We're twins. Oh wait, I'm old enough to be your mother.

Peggasus

Yeah, we recently had to spend $630 on a new septic tank pump. Those are buried under the ground. Oh, the shit jokes were flying with my FB friends.

Jessica

Boo molars! I shouldn't complain, as I didn't really notice Jacob was getting molars until right before his birthday. It did explain the crankiness but it didn't hurt too badly or turn into black gums!

Peggasus

Oh, forgot...the truck that had to come for a clean out, the motto on the side was, 'You Dump, We Pump.'

JenVegas

OMG Molars are SUCH Bullshit. My 14 month old decided to cut like 5 teeth, 3 of which were molars while we were traveling to see my in-laws earlier this month...in planes, on a long car ride, on an hour long ferry ride (across the River Styx with all of that damn teething, jeeeez) and then back home again. GAAAHHHHHH. Hate. Teeth.

Julie

I just made the exciting purchase of new caulk for the shower. Being an adult is bullshit.

Robin

Molars at 10 months make perfect sense when one of your older brothers is becoming a master chef before your eyes.

Kathy W

Here's a perfect solution to your lint-hair drainage nonsense:

Take a knee-high hose (buy em cheap at the grocery store) and affix it to the end of your laundry drain pipe with a large double-wrapped rubber band. Leave about 6" or so of loose nylon at the end so it has a little give when the water rushes out.

My Mom did this for years in their laundry room. When it gets full? Replace with the other knee-high.

Easypeasy

ahc

My washing machine also drains into my utility sink. When we bought the house I asked the realtor what the hell the hideous, slightly condomish looking thing was on the end of the washing machine drain pipe. And she was like -- you are a total idiot it is a lint filter. They are gross - I change mine every couple months because it collects so much gross -- but perhaps you should get one too. I'm sure my description has really sold you. You too can have a gross lint filled condom attached to your washing machine hose! At least it prevents mad lint/hair from getting into our pipes.

JoLynn

Just read an article on how many home owners have decided to pack it in and rent. This post makes me lean toward renting forever.

CAF

Three words: economy roller shades. Cheap, online ordering, easy to install, so far not destroyed by offspring. Not having to leave the house and for new window coverings with kids: priceless!

http://www.blinds.com/control/product/productID,8355

Jadzia

Zombie Puppy will be haunting my dreams tonight, that's for sure.

Oh, wait. My FIVE MONTH OLD is teething. No dreams for me!

Steve

Dude..you have to stop posting such funny shit. It makes me Lol at work and then everyone looks at me like I am the undead thing in the bathroom! Ike def needs some filet! Grill it up mama. On another note: We ordered some GMD newborn prefolds and fitteds along with doublers,wipes,Grovia stick, and Thirsties covers!!! They are super awesome. Thx again for the post over on Alphamom!

Kimm

Molars are so awful. Levi is getting those, he has a Niagara Falls of drool all the time, and likes to pull off the bibs that have velcro. So he has been wearing the few snap/tie ones we have, Halloween ones too, and running out of clean shirts AND pants since he has taken up peeing during diaper changes again. Sorry about your utility sink- that's like having to get new tires.

Hannah

We are on a first-name basis with the guys at the Home Depot tool rental place ("Yes, hi, it's us again, we'd like the 100 foot sewer snake, yes, we know it's the second week in a row, SHUT UP) and have learned basic plumbing skillz as a result of our homeownership.

I am not best pleased, and last weekend almost dropped a garbage disposal on my husband's head (it was TOTALLY AN ACCIDENT and I didn't actually drop it, sheesh).

Basically, I feel your pain. I am sorry. My friend notes that you can make excellent window coverings from used pizza boxes; however, I remind him that this is why he's still single.

Arnebya

Shid. You move, take the sink! Sorry, potential buyers, you can have all the furniture, but the utility sink does not convey.

Also, Baby Ike! Slooooooow dooooowwwwwwn. With the molars and the walking and the talking and the rest of the ings. Just slow down.

Lisa

I would give anything to have a utility sink like that in my basement (any sink actually - i just have a hole in the floor and a tiny pipe for my washer to drain into)

enjoy that clean new beautiful utility sink!

Kim W.

We have a 13-year-old cat that now permanently lives in our bathroom. He has never used a litter box for his poop, and always seemed to prefer our shoes, sweatshirts, kids' backpacks, etc. for his pee. Since we've kept him in the bathroom (and built him a nice "house" and supplied him with a good basket), he has turned into a sweet not-neurotic cat that is no longer picked on by the other cats or the puppy or the kids. He's quite happy there. (He pees in the litter box!)

Every time I get irritated because the bathroom is disgusting with hair and flea dirt and poo residue, I just have to remember that at least it's not anywhere but the bathroom.

And hey -- I'm there with you too on the home improvements. I recently had the most brilliant idea to have a painting party. You know -- we cook great food, supply lots of beer and good music and then -- we have our FRIENDS paint our kitchen and dining room and hallway and bathroom. Then I realized we have no money to buy paint. (How would our friends like it if I required an entry fee for them to have the privilege of painting our house for us? $10 each? What a steal!)

I'm not going to get started on our laundry situation, but I am there with you, at least as far as the un-glamorous drainage arrangements go.

My next blog post will be about the flowers in the garden -- something beautiful and gorgeous and definitely not my doing at all. I'm useless these days.

Della

We don't have a utility sink and I want one so bad I can TASTE IT. (Preferably the new one, not the old one with the poop water.) Also, maybe this week is just haunted. Maybe Friday the 13th rubbed off on us, you and me both.

Our washer "stopped working" - in quotation marks because technically it's only the timer that's broken; I came home after a 2-hour outing to find it still agitating, because it didn't know it was supposed to move on to spin and rinse. If I set the kitchen timer, and rotate the knob manually, it's fine: the actual cycle functions are unaffected.

So at the same time we discovered that this would cost $160+ for the Sears guy to fix, or $80 for parts plus 10 minutes for US to fix, the microwave broke, 100% kaput.

I work very very PART time at my old place of employment. I was so thrilled that I'd be getting a $200 check for my piddly hours in the past 2 months, because I have outgrown all my dress clothes and jeans and don't have anything to wear in public other than pajama pants and shorts; that's putting a crimp in my style when I want to go to church or something.

Only now it'll be going towards (not even fully funding) replacing the microwave. Oh, except there was a mixup with the direct deposit and I probably won't get it until next payday.

Not to mention the odds and ends of child with minor ear infection, blinds I bought don't fit in window and turns out they don't make the next size down, blah blah blah etc blah.

All that to say, perhaps you can point at me and have someone to laugh at when you want to cry. Or pass the wine.

Megan

This has been the longest, most painful week in the history of ever. I say we make it wine o'clock RIGHT NOW.

Here's to hoping it gets better!

Amy in StL

I hope you don't mind, but that link sent me down a Amalah-rewind-wormhole. And it's Friday.... So I shall spend my afternoon reading old entries that I never read, because it's better than what I'm supposed to write at work.

Jaime

I clicked over to your post about Puppy and had a split second weird time warp double take because holy hell does Baby Ike look like Noah!

Also - my daughter is getting her 2-year-molars at 19 months and is making our lives a living hell, so I sympathize on this being a super shitastic week.

I wish I could drink wine with lunch and still have the ability to parent. I've been drooling over the unopened bottle all day. I think the kids will be going to bed extra early tonight.

Lisa

I have a 16 year old cat... they DO live forever and ever. amen.

I don't envy the molar teething. My one year old is just working on front teeth now, and it's not fun. It wasn't fun with my first either, though she teethed earlier...

I totally envy the utility sink, draining or not. I really want one. does that make me boring? Sigh.

Karen

I am also having pet bullshit :( and house bullshit. It this made me laugh so hard. Thank you.

Katie

There was a time before I owned a home when I rolled my eyes at a friends excitement over New! Corian! Countertops! Now I cannot contain my excitement over stupid things like new doorknobs and our new, high efficiency toilet. You post that picture and feel proud!

Lynda M O

My 12-yr old cat has promised me over and over never to die. I only hope that you have exacted the same promise from your kitty. I wouldn't be able to stand it if I lost her too after siblings, patients, friends, colleagues, and a miscarried grandson equal thirteen losses in less than four years.

SarahB

Yes. Just, yes.

My husband and I saw a car commercial last night that advertised how easy it is to get in the third row with a car seat in the second row. I hollered out, "Dude, that seat's not rear-facing. Unimpressed!"

And then we exchanged chagrined looks about how lame we are.

KelleyD

On the topic of cats. We have three. One of them needs to just not be here anymore. Unfortunately he is our son's cat. The cat that he shows no interest in EVER until we have decided to make it an outside animal forever and ever AMEN {due to unprovoked attacking of my husband late at night when he tried to pet him} and then all of a sudden he is upset and cares about it. Damn animal would have been gone LONG LONG ago except for this one detail. Disclaimer, never ever adopt a several generations in-bred mutt cat.
On the topic of molars, our almost 2 year old is cutting his two year molars. One is all in, the other three are just peeking through.
Re: laundry sinks. We moved into our house almost a year ago now. I have overflowed the laundry sink more times that I want to count. Some from kid intervention {toddler threw clothing item in sink without mommy's knowledge}, one from good intentions of trying to de-lintify our drain, took and old plastic mesh onion bag and strapped around the drain hose, after it had filled up a bit apparently the rush of water blew it off and clogged up the sink. Awesome. Bought actual drain hose condom/sock/meshy thing to put on. Ended up with water FOUNTAINING ALL OVER the laundry room after about one weeks worth of laundry it was so clogged with lint. Thought I would get for more use out of it. Solution? Eff it. Will dig lint out of drain. Although, the BEST most AWESOME solution for all this? When my parents had to rebuild after a house fire? The plumber put in a completely separate drain for the washer. No more clogs. No more having to make sure something didn't fall/get tossed into the sink. Freaking brilliant. I want one.
Oh and home projects?? I have a list about a mile long. Inside the house projects and outside the house projects. DOES NOT HELP that I am in total nesting mode with baby boy 3 due in two weeks. So the list just keeps getting longer.

Chris

OMG, Emegency Trailer Park Status. That is priceless. I'm jacking that phrase to use at my home, because yeah, we are perpetually in Emergency Trailer Park Status.

Sherri

I love you for this post. Everything in my life right now is in Emergency Trailer Park Status. Between this post and the "We're Not Young" video on YouTube...I'm feeling better this week :)

Jessica

That picture would be a damn good selling point for me, at least. Against my better judgment, we purchased a house without a utility sink and I don't like it one bit.

Emily

molars.. fun. My daughter cut her 1yr molars early (had 16 teeth at 13.5months). Now she's 18months and one of her 2yr molars is through. 3 more to go and we'll be done with this horror - I'd like to know what my child's personality is like when she's not teething. Do you use amber necklaces at all? Highly recommended :) Hope things get better over the weekend!

Erin

I'm going to be annoying and suggest something for your sink, but only because I like you and recently went through the same needing a plumber situation ($$$$) because of the stupid washing machine draining and my pipes suck dilemma. They sell these stupid lint catcher things for the part that drains the washing machine into the sink. It has saved us, and it is extremely disgusting (and cool if you like gross stuff like I do) to see the amount of grossness that gets shot out of the washing machine and down your drain. And thanks to you I will probably have nightmares of the poop filled grossness that my pipes will be in September when baby arrives and I too get to wash grossness in my washing machine. have a great weekend! xo Erin

Becca

As a person with the utility sink the size of two tennis balls, I declare your new utility sink as AWESOME!! and I'm slightly (okay, more than slightly) jealous that you got it. I want a new utility sink that I can fit more than one pair of underwear in. And I'm not talking about granny panties.

David

I'm glad I'm eating while reading this. It's pure sex appeal. In fact, you should have bottled the poo water and sold it on eBay. You'd ave paid for the utility sink and then some... Or maybe no.

Suzy Q

I have never heard of a washing machine that drains into a sink. But, then again, I live way south, where there are no basements, either.

Also? Pupppyyyyyyy! Aw, I hope Max is around for a loooong time.

-k-

PUPPY!!! O_o

M

Cut the end off a pair of panyhose and tape it to that black pipe that drains to your utility sink. It will collect all the gunk that clogged your pipe...every month or so clean it out.

You're welcome...saved you some $$ for free. Because I am nice like that...and I grew up with one of those washers that drained into the sink.

Amen.

beth

I can always send you a pic of our 24hr old, absolutely byoooootiful new a/c unit and heat pump. It totally got posted on facebook so everyone else could admire it too!

Betsy

The picture of those blinds made me lol so hard. That is some shitmykidsruined.com. shit for sure!

Sea

So sad about Max! I also have an old cat, but alas he is annoying (and a slut) and you know those types really do live forever.

Abell

Another thing to add to the list of Most Unexciting Home Upgrades Ever: a new circuit board thing for our furnace. It crapped out in the middle of winter on a day that was -30 degrees celcius. The circuit board thing is critical to making the furnace work and it ended up costing $900 to get it working again (in the middle of the night). Nobody cares to take a look at that on the home tour.

Janel

AWWWW SHIT you got one of those gross little water tubes going to your utility sink. ME TOO GIRL. Mine runs from my refrigerator that used to make ice, but now just occasionally barfs up water all over the basement in some secret spot behind the walls, forcing us to just start hacking away at drywall until we find the source.

sunglasses hut

Just read an article on how many home owners have decided to pack it in and rent. This post makes me lean toward renting forever.

Genevieve

Another vote here for putting a knee high nylon on the drainage pipe into the sink. Zip tie it or super rubber band it on there and throw it out when it gets really fuzzy. Bonus, it's fun to watch it blow up like a balloon when the water drains into it.

Zu

Another vote for the pantyhose lint trap. Cheap as dirt, easy to replace, completely effective.

Lis

I was super late on the development train with my teeth and ended up getting my wisdom teeth IN around age 25. I vividly remember the trauma from it and thought at the time that it was wholly unfair we subject babies to the same pain and discomfort. Absolute bullshit.

Kaela

Last time I had a week like this I told my husband I felt like the Job of Minor Inconveniences. Life is just crappy enough to make you miserable, but not bad enough that you can really justify whining. Those weeks sucks!

Kim

On a slightly unrelated note, my first child didn't have any teeth until 11 months old. No teeth at all. I was beginning to wonder if she had any.

roo

I realize this may sound weird, but I'm so envious of your utility sink.

I can't tell you how many times I've fantasized out loud to my husband, "Wouldn't it be great if we had a slop sink on this wall?"

We rent an apartment, so... ain't gonna happen.

Still, your new utility sink is more exciting to your readers than you might think. At least the weird ones like me.

Canadian Dad

I agree on all counts but especially about pets! Our pet fish is an asshole, swimming around in there like he owns the place...

Olivia

I hate having to spend money on not at all sexy home improvements. We are replacing our storm door this week, which is not sexy but at least visible to guests.

Also, poor Max. I apologize for being a downer, but I recently had to put my 14 yr old cat down. She was puking a lot and not making it to the cat box at all, then her weight dropped...the vet could find nothing officially wrong with her (after $240). It was tough, but I didn't want to watch her to continue to decline.

Erin G

ditto or tritto at this point the knee high or panyhose on the washer drain. kind of gross but works like a charm.

Kate

Home ownership is complete bullshit. It used to be all pretty new kitchens and shiny hardwood floors, but now? Holy hell, termite treatment is expensive. As is the new front door we needed because the termites ate the old one. And windows! New windows (of which I have SIXTEEN in my small townhouse) are CRAZY expensive. I am hoping to get the hell out of this house before we need a new roof too.

SweetPea

I don't have kids (and can't have them) but I totally love living vicariously through others. Thanks for making me laugh (and grateful I don't have toddlers) :)

Hannah

And coming back after the weekend to say that we spent the weekend replacing our utility sink (ourselves, obvs., for my husband is CHEAP) and now the shutoff valves are leaking all over the floor and the child keeps trying to drink from the puddles.

Argh. Trailer Park Emergency indeed.

JMid

Is there a litter box on the same level of the house as your bedroom? Sometimes old kitty doesn't want to walk downstairs to poo. They're old and arthritic and they want the box in your bedroom (or hopefully, in an adjoining bathroom).

BloggerFather

I was about to leave a recommendation for good blinds, but how does someone do that without sounding like a spammer? I can comment on something else on the post, saying, "Molars suck, but you'll be happy next year when you'll have a happy-ish kid," or something like that, but it probably just makes me sounds more spammy. The long comment with no paragraph breaks makes it even worse. Damnit. I did have a good blinds recommentdation...

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