We're Gonna Party Like It's 7:59
Bugbite Balboa

20 Things Nobody Told Me About Little Boys

(Or Maybe They Did While I Was Only Pretending To Listen)

1) You will spend a crazy amount of time clipping their weed-like fingernails, even though your own nails don't grow worth a damn.

2) They will also probably have nicer eyelashes than you.

3) Little-boy funk-smell kicks in sometime around age three.

4) It smells like a combination of feet and maple syrup. 

5) You will totally get peed on. In the face, directly, at least once.

6) I also do not suggest painting the walls immediately around changing tables or toilets with a flat finish. Go with eggshell or satin, or else just thumbtack up some freaking towels.

7) Those little PeePee TeePee things do not work, unless you care to see just how far your son's urine can propel a tiny, soggy cone of fabric across the room.

8) All that said, a lot of times they just manage to pee right on their own heads. Memorize their shocked expression when it happens, because hiiiiiiiiiilarious.

9) Boners. 

10) Yeast infections are not just for girls. 

11) EW. 

12) The instinct to turn random objects into guns/blasters/lasers/phasers/swords/lightsabers/arrows/cannons/etc. is something they are born with. Don't worry about it too much.

13) Buy helmets, though.

14) Remember that one mean little girl in first grade who would randomly announce that she wasn't your friend any more; she was someone ELSE'S friend now and you couldn't be friends with either of them because she said so and made you cry but then the very next day the rules were all completely different? 

15) There are mean little boys like that, too. 

16) The good news is that once you're a grown-up you realize it's perfectly okay to think that they're annoying little shits and tell their moms on them when they color on your walls with markers. 

17) Even after many mature, frank discussions about body parts and the differences between boys and girls, you will definitely be asked — loudly and publicly — about your own lack of a penis and whether or not you pee out your butt. 

18) At some point, you'll have to sack up and send them into the mens' room by themselves. This is both amazing and terrible. 

19) Wearing a dress makes you look beautiful, Mommy. A single sequin on your shirt or a sparkly necklace earns you an upgrade to princess. Your hair looks gweat. Your hugs are nice. Your cuddles are the best. I wuv you, Mommy. 

20) Ugh, they are so awesome, it hurts. 




Rhia Perkins

I keep getting, "But you're still a great Mom!" with pats on the cheek.

Outwardly, I thank him, but inside I'm all like, "Whadda you mean, still, kid?"


*counts frantically on fingers* GAH! only 3 more months until the little boy smell kicks in. Must. sniff. repeatedly. now. For posterity and all that.

I am also pleased/happy/smug to report that I've never gotten peed on because I am smarter than my husband. And now I've jinxed myself.


Me: "no I do not have a penis"
Boy: "Can I see?"
Me: "no, no you may not"

i just have the one boy but i agree, and got a little tear right there in the corner of my eye reading your post today


Someday, when you write your first book, please title it, "Yeast Infections Are Not Just For Girls." Please and thank you.


Ok, I hope I have a boy so that I can buy a pee pee tee pee and watch him shoot it across the room. I wuld also very much like to witness the "baby peeing on his head" thing.

and yeah, boys have the BEST eyelashes. NOT FAIR!


21. Little boys love to fiddle with they're penis'....all the time.


'You DO have a willy' and 'God only loves people with willies' are the latest offerings from Mr 3.5 over here. I adore your blog. You make me want to have more children even though I DO NOT want more children :)


I'm so glad I have a girl and at the same time completely petrified about having a girl. 9 months old, now crawling. Totally going to own me... who am I kidding... I'm already owned by her.

Becca Lynn

This almost made me cry... I have a little girl, who I am well aware of how very soon she will be a Daddy's Girl.

I cannot WAIT to have a boy! :-)


The eyelashes. To this day I am jealous of my son's eyelashes. It's just not fair. If Maybelline wanted to make huge profits, they would bottle little boy eyelashes.


YES! All of those but especially the maple syrup and feet! SO TRUE! I have two boys and love them so but the 6 year old doesn't understand why the baby is so much more fun to cuddle - no boy stink!


haha! Every word is true - especially little boy smell and then it gets worse. My little boy just turned 20 - as in TWENTY years old. Now he's all, "Make me some eggs, woman!" and I do, because he's got those freaking eyelashes that still make me swoon.

Ashley // Our Little Apartment

My little boy is 20 months old and already has a smell about him. What's THAT about? (To be fair, he has smelly genes: ME. I'm such a lady.)

I really wanted a girl (reallllly), but then I had a boy and oh my gosh, I want another. I do. I really do. I feel special and princess-like, you know? I never thought I would be a boy-mom, but I love it. LOVE. :) Thanks for being a great boy-mom role model!


You just wait a few more years... then the hormones spring to life, you'll know by the smell they then produce :-) Thank god for deodorant!


i love the crap out of my nephew but i'm glad i'm having girls simply because of #9.


As a fellow mother of three, I'm sooo with you on this. Also?

1. Boogers are for eating. Ewwww.

2. Little boys can come up with more nicknames for male body parts than you could EVER imagine. (Ex: weens)

3. The dirtier the port-a-potty, the more likely it is that your little guy will just HAVE to go #2.


Thank you for posting this. I am currently pregnant with my third and it's a boy. My other two are girls. I have been very anxious about having a boy but your post now makes me super excited about it! I can't wait!!


As a mother of 3 boys, I could have written this myself, it is so SPOT ON.


The other day my husband called me into the bathroom laughing hysterically because the little one peed in the older one's face while they were in the tub together. I think that's what they call poetic justice.


Just adopted a 2 year old little boy. Number one..IS SO TRUE. So. True.

I have the scratches to provide. God.


I loved this! Despite our repeated attempts to clarify, my 3 year old daughter insists that she has two butts, "my pee butt" and "the other butt."


This is such a good list. Although I think even if someone had warned me about baby boners I would still be just a woefully unprepared for them.


yes x 20. Oh yes.


Also: StankNuts happen EARLY. Opening the diaper, even one of an infant boy, in summer is shockingly whiffy.


What is with those finger nails? My almost 4yo boy needs manicures twice weekly to keep the claws in check.
Thankfully he has never peed in his own face nor on me directly. Woohoo!
He does wonder where my penis is and did totally ask to see it. Ha! No thank you! I do love having a boy. His latest favorite phrase is, "I love you so much mommy."

Korinthia Klein

More than a few of these also apply to girls (and it might surprise you which ones). But yeah, little boys and their gorgeous eyelashes....

Veronica Miller

Number 17 almost made me snort out coffee! I have had that exact same conversation with my eldest of two boys (age 4 and 2). He of course told me that same day that my "Gina" was pretty. Nice!


The fingernails thing is true for girls, too. Or maybe just mine? it's obnoxious, every time I see them running around with little talons, I think, did I not just clip your nails forty five minutes ago?!


The fingernails thing is true for girls, too. Or maybe just mine? it's obnoxious, every time I see them running around with little talons, I think, did I not just clip your nails forty five minutes ago?!


My 3 year old boy proudly announced that he has a penis and Mama has hair.

I also have three boys, just about the same ages as yours, and by golly the stink is something else. I was at least prepared by my childhood of being squished in the backseat with my three older brothers and always coming up to armpit level on one at least one of them.


Seriously wish someone had told me about boners! Especially since I still need to take my littlest to go potty at night while sleeping...so weird to push that down!


My twin boys are a little older than Ike, and already so much fun. Ditto on the pee and nicer eyelashes but I maintain that their feet already stink like


Aweeeeeee, best post ever and so true. I have proof.

#'s 19 & 20 wrapped up your post so well. Thank you.


I can't believe I'm about to pop out my very own little boy in about...nine weeks OMFG.
(I totally can't wait.)
(Yay baby boys!)

Jess Z.

Yes, and also "Hey, you have dees (boobies). Mine are little, yours are big. You have big ones." That's a fun conversation in public as he pats you down. He's 3, so I got away with it.


I love this so much.

My son is 11 days old and I have to agree that the peeing on their own face is a mix of horrifying and hilarious. Oddly , it didn't seem to bother my kid any more than the standard screaming that accompanies any diaper change. You'd think that pee on your face would be a whole lot worse than cold air/wipes on your ass, but I guess you'd be mistaken.


You forgot the biting and the being bit at daycare, the fixation on ANYTHING THAT MOVES LOOK IT'S A HELIPCOPTER/STREETCLEANER/POLICECAR, and the total joy it is when they wake you up at an ungodly hour by crawling into bed with you while they stroke your arm and tell you how nice you feel.


I love your description under #7... never invested in the pee pee tee pees because moms of boys told me not to bother, but I think seeing that just once would have made it worth it!!


I have the fingernail issue with my girls too. The kids at her school think she has fake nails...so clearly I'm good at keeping them trimmed.


Maple syrup - it's not just me, then!

My daughter and I were having discussions about parts last night at bed time. She decided that Daddy has a BBBBBBBIIIGGGGGGGGGGG PEEENISSSS (complete with fists clenched and arms flexed so hard they were shaking) and (4yo) bro has a (sweet baby voice) wiiiiiiittle penis, and Mommy has a BBBBBBBBIIIIIIIIIGGGGGGGGGGGGG front (flexing again) and "I have a wittle one!"

FWIW: At my house when we were small, the female area was called "her front" (hey, if butt can be your bottom, even when it's not on bottom...) and it's great because it's not a baby word - it's actually referring to a body area - and it's also much less embarrassing than having someone call out about your 'china in a restaurant.


Girls stink too -- body and attitude when you tell them OMG WASH YOUR ASS and they're all I do not stink and you're all SHID and they're all I'm pretty and you're all YEAH, PRETTY FUNKY. Ugh. I do not get the aversion to soap and water, especially with girls.

The boy is only 2 and still oves to "get in the water." But I know my days are numbered. And yeah, what in the absolute hell is it w/their nails? His nails and lashes are way longer/better than either of the girls' ever was. He just figured out he can stop the stream of pee. FUN ABOUNDS!

Bailey R.

Thanks for the heads up!!! I'm due with a little boy in 3.5 weeks (holy CRAP that's soon!) and now I am prepared. :) I might have to go get the PeePee TeePee's just to witness that phenomena though.

Sue C

SO laughed at the pee pee tee pees. I always wondered if they worked!


No, I don't pee out my butt, but I do hork coffee out my nose when I read "pee out your butt". Hee!!!!!

My daughter (2) tells me I'm a "pwincess" whenever I put on a dress/skirt, and on the rare occasion I do me some hair & make-up she just goes "whoa". Not... sure how to take that.


Also my little brother seemed to constantly smell like syrup from when he was 3 until when he was about 6 and to this day I haaaaaaaate syrup.

Erika Mitchell

My son's not yet old enough for some of the items on this list, but others are a page right out of my daily happenings log. It's amazing how very much like miniature men they are, isn't it?


My five month old peed in my hair a few weeks ago. I was already late for work, so I quickly wiped it off and kept on trucking.


as a mom to 2 little boys....this. is. AWESOME!!!


The EYELASHES! My boys could model for Estee Lauder, their eyelashes are so thick and gorgeous. Life, it's not fair.


22. You will never be loved as passionately as you are by your little boy.

Lori McBride

20 "Amen Sista"s!!! I am so crazy in love with my 2 boys...it's scary!! :0)


so incredibly awesome, they are


Awesome update: College boys STILL think their moms look pretty. Still want to touch their hair. And now say "Mom, you're so TINY" when they hug with their big bear arms. Yeah, boys are always awesome. IHEARTBOYS.

Teresa scali

All of those things are so true! I have 2 little boys, and no matter what I cannot get rid of the maple syrup/ feet smell in their room.
I also want to add they will try to pee on anything, ANYTHING! It is almost shocking what they ask me to let them pee on.


Gah the boners. And later the provoking of the boners. And NO mommy doesn't want to see.
Also, worts, ingrown big toe nails, pee on the floor, and the prettiest eyes that you'll ever see.


Truer words never written.


All of them so true, especially #17!!! EXACT WORDS = pee out butt. Love it.


When my nephew, Bradley, was two, he and his grandma had the following conversation:

BRAD: Grammy, wet (let) me see you penis.

GRAMMY: What???

BRAD: Wet me see you penis.

GRAMMY: Honey, I don't have a penis.

BRAD: Well, why NOT?

GRAMMY: Because Grammy is a girl, and girls have something different.

BRAD: Well, wet me see it!

Later, when we'd finally stopped laughing, I told her, "You should have showed it to him. THAT would have shut his little ass up!"

She said, "Nah, because I don't have the money to pay for years of therapy for him."

God, I love my mom!


along the lines of 17, my two-year-old asked me the other day, "mommy, why to you have a beard on your bottom?" Awesome.


I have four boys. This list is so very accurate. It's true that boys start to smell early. The smell kinda gags me. And you are right about the yeast. EW!! I've sometimes wondered if people think that I have a permanent yeast infection. I have tubes of monistat cream always falling out of my diaper bag. Thanks for this list Amy! It is so very true!!


i'm on boy #2, and literally laughed out loud at this. Wouldn't trade having these boys for anything. Another hilarious yet heartwarming post.


My daughter peed in my face WAY more often than my son ever did. No, I don't know how she did it, either. She also did a good line in projectile poop. During one memorable 3am diaper change she *simultaneously* peed in my face while projectile pooping a streak of poop that shot across the room and landed on my toothbrush. So yeah, don't give me your boy stories.

Aimee Giese | Greeblemonkey

Re #1 - I got Declan to go for a pedicure with me a few weeks ago. Relaxing, fun and I didn't have to touch his toes. WIN WIN WIN.

Lisa Mills

Totally agree! I love my little boy and his ways. When my hair is a little tousled through lack of washing, he tells me I look beauuuuuuuutiful.


This is great! I am so relieved to read that the funky maple syrup smell is completely normal!! All these years I've been trying to figure out why my son (10) always smells like syrup but rarely eats it! LOL My 2 older girls never smelled so weird. How funny.


Well, I can at least partly explain the maple syrup smell. For some reason urine + fleece = maple syrup smell. And it usually takes repeated washings to get the smell out. Which means that our fleece PJs smell of maple syrup most of the winter.


Yes X20. These are awesome, from one mama of three boys (1, 3, and 12 yrs) to another! :) Thanks Amy!

Corey Feldman

Great post and totally true. My boys are 3&5 and I don't think they get too stinky. But most of the other stuff. Especially about the mean boys. My oldest is really sensitive and I have seen it happen to him too many times. Breaks my heart.


I LOVED this list!

When my husband was a little boy, he asked his mom why she only ever went #2.

Boys are awesome!


These are all so true. I have 3 boys, 10 1/2, 8 and 6 months. I can tell you one thing, their stink gets worse as they get older but they get so much more awesome if that's even possible. I love ever second of being a mom to boys. Even when they're punching each other!


Great post! I have two boys 3 and 5 and came up with a dichotomous key to help keep me up to speed on objects of their affection.

Jen M.

21. Your toilets and the area surrounding them will never be clean again.

die Frau

Already know some of these, anticipating the rest with a mixture of dread and excitement.

The NAILS. GOD. And yes, J's eyelashes could have their own damn mascara campaign. Little man is 11 months old today and already climbing on everything...I have the route to the Immediate Care Center already mapped out in my head because I know damn well we'll make numerous appearances there.

Renee Corbett

Love this!!!! Laughed so hard at #17. I think you have done a great job at summarizing the joys of parenting a little boy.


I have a 2 1/2 y/o little boy and, as someone else said earlier, truer words have never been spoken. Also, I have snorted, almost peed, and cried while reading the post and comments that followed. Gawd, I love my little boy!!!!!!


ALL SO TRUE, especially the funky 3-year-old smell, wondering where my penis is and how he thinks I'm the most beautiful person he's ever seen if I wear a dress. I love my boy.


Loved this! Our very girly girl house (x3) is about to be invaded. We are adopting a little boy. Apparently, he will pee right in my face. Good to know...

I think #19 will more than make up for it all!


I can't believe a few months ago I was disappointed to find out I was having a boy. Now he is here and so wonderful and lovable and awesome! And, also, apparently going to make me laugh an awful lot.


Every word of it is true. I'm still smiling. My own additions would be that the REAL smell kicks in around 9 or 10, right around the time they think baths are 'boring.' Oh, and penises float. Who knew?


We just found out that we're having a boy so this has my heart all a-flutter for the little guy. Such a sweet post.


The fingernails: YES. My husband is the official fingernail clipper in the house because I am still traumatized after clipping a few too short on the baby that bled. I wept.

I don't know why I get sort of sad and frustrated when little boys get whittled down to pee and poop and genitalia. I have three boys and they are so much more complex than that. I don't know, I feel like if dads just whittled their daughters down to vaginas and boobs and periods -- well, not only would it be super creepy to hear a dad talking about his daughter's vagina in-depth like that -- it would be really patronizing and belittling to girls too.

Boys are so much more than penises and boners and funk smell. We're hygiene freaks in my house, so my boys actually smell pretty soapy and nice much of the time if you ask me.

What I love about boys is their sensitivity, their fierce loyalty, their ability to tell it like it is and wear their hearts on their sleeves, their simplicity, their affection for one another, their ability to hash their differences out and move on. That even with all the sword play and gun sound effects and flying around the room ninja-style, some nights, my 6yo son will also ask if he can scratch my back and brush my hair. I wasn't prepared for that. The sensitivity of boys is intense but I think it often gets driven underground. I wish we could live in a world that fostered boys' vulnerabilities and abilities to be nurturers too. Those traits don't only apply to girls. 

They are so much more than penises and urine and body odor. 


As a mom of 6 children, a 16 year old daughter and 5 boys, 10, 9, 6, 4, and 11 months. I have to say you pretty much hit it spot on!

I had a friend tell me, "Little girls love their mommies, but little boys are in love with their mommies! " Which is so true, I've already had three proposals!

My favorite thing never imagined saying is, "No farting in your brother's hot chocolate is not funny! "


Love this!

Jennifer Fink

I loved this post so much that I included it in my weekly Best of the Blogs round up!



This is just great! Thanks for the wonderful post!


Just to forewarn you... that smell? It gets MUCH worse around 13. Much, much worse. I'm sorry.

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