Operation DIY Backsplash: DONE. Donedone!
(Well, we still need to caulk. And put the switchplates up. And paint. And replace a couple cabinet doors. And swap out the door handles. And replace the stove and microwave. So. Not even close to being done. BUT ALLOW ME THIS MOMENT.)
I'm happy to report that nobody died and nothing got set on fire. The kids watched an obscene amount of TV, though, and I do still have some grout on the bottom of my foot.
This project was made possible by a few dozen YouTube demos and my husband's degree in engineering.
Also possibly magic. I went to Target on Saturday morning and came back to BAM. TILE. That is how you do home improvement, ladies.
To be fair, I was buying very important things at Target, like ALL OF THE STEEL WOOL, which I then stuffed into every conceivable mouse-entry wall-hole I could find.
(Personally, I think the pan of old scrambled egg residue sitting on the stove is what really ties it all together.)
A few lessons in DUH MORONS I feel compelled to pass along, in case anyone else is planning a similar project:
1) The fact that this mosaic was a RANDOM and NON-REPEATING pattern pretty much saved our sanity. We originally chose one that would have required a ton more planning and arranging and like, honors-level algebra or something. Then we came to our senses and went with a much more forgiving just-slap-that-shit-on-the-wall-all-willy-nilly style.
2) Scrape excess thinset out of the grout lines BEFORE it dries completely and you have to spend a couple hours digging it out with a scraper fucking goddamn cocksucking popsicle tampon.
3) After you cut the power to the wall outlets prior to grouting, double check that you flipped the correct breaker before you accidentally knock the garbage disposal on while you are sponging off grout and dripping water all over exposed live electrical circuitry holy shit.
4) Check the soles of your feet after grouting. Wash them off, idiot.
Oh, and 5).
"Let's paint the walls a nice gray" is a stupid, terrible idea because there are easily 200 shades of gray (MUST RESIST OBVIOUS JOKE RESIST RESIST) to chose from, and you will spend hours debating which gray is too blue and which gray is too beige and that's too dark but that's too light and wait, this one was my favorite last night but now this morning it looks purple, what the hell, I give up, let's just open one of those wine bottles and stare at the backsplash while pretending the rest of the kitchen doesn't exist.