In Which Ikea Ruins Young Lives & Mother's Day In One Fell HOLY SHIT GAAAHHHH
May 14, 2012
Happy Mother's Day! I got you the gift of HOLY SHITBALLS IKEATASTROPHE:
A few weeks ago, we impulse-bought a wall cabinet at Ikea, brought it home, and promptly procrastinated the hell out of actually assembling it.
The box sat propped in a corner until yesterday, when Jason decided to finally tackle the project, because he knows how much I love moving Things from One Thing into Another Thing. In this case, sorting and moving all our serving platters and entertaining-type dishes from the sideboard in the dining room into this new, awesome cabinet, AND THEN moving the sideboard into the living room as new-and-improved toy storage, AND THEN moving the bookshelves out and OH MY GOD, POINT IS, SO MUCH DEPENDED ON THIS CABINET.
I spent a few happy hours sorting dishes and vases and whatnot into keep-donate-maybe piles, then began stacking them neatly into the new cabinet while Jason reorganized some other cabinets. No longer would I need to climb up on a stepstool to get a baking dish from that annoying cabinet over the fridge! No more digging for oversized bowls from the depths of the sideboard! Everything we actually use and need will now live in this great big new cabinet, although the door isn't really opening as easily as it did at the store and you kinda have to pull on it a little harder than I remembered OH DEAR GOD OH SHIT GAAAHHHHHHHH.
I was standing right in front of it when it started to come down, and LUCKILY figured out that my instinct to "CATCH IT! STOP IT!" was not going to help anything, so I backed away helplessly while it fell with several tremendous, graduated crashes, shattering just about everything inside.
Including all of my grandmother's depression glass.
(Don't look, Mom! That photo is a lie and everything is fine! Ponies! Rainbows!)
Luckily Ezra and Ike were trapped playing in the baby jail conversation pit when it happened, and Noah was in the kitchen but seated far away. He promptly burst into tears because his whole house was falling apart and is now officially terrified of cabinets, at a volcano-like level. They are now ALL horrific death traps, ready to burst free from their inadequate anchors and kill you. THANKS IKEA.
After we cleaned up I had to break even more bad news to Ezra: The cabinet had fallen on his beloved play kitchen and broken that, too. Smashed top, cracked doors, broken-off legs, you get the idea. He was understandably devastated and I have nothing funny to say about it except THANKS IKEA.
We promised him we'd get him a new kitchen as soon as possible, mentally adding THAT nice little expense on top of the cabinet's price and the cost of repairing and repainting the wall and gee, it's a good thing we snapped that cabinet right up once we saw it was $20 off, amirite? $20 off! It's a bargain! Deal of a lifetime! You're not gonna get this kind of nonstop death and destruction at Home Depot, I'll tell you that right now.