Even Dream Jobs Get The Blues
In Which Ikea Ruins Young Lives & Mother's Day In One Fell HOLY SHIT GAAAHHHH

Masterfeces Theater Presents

Last night, while we were all enjoying a delicious dinner of grilled chicken chicken and ratatouille (well, except for Noah, who threatened to punch our house apart [WITH HIS FISTS!!!] if we ever made him eat such things again), I noticed a single, compact little turd had suddenly appeared on the floor next to the table. 

Now, the problem with having a cat and a very small dog is that it is literally impossible to tell their poop apart. And yes, this is a problem. One that we are very familiar with. Hey kids! Who wants to play another round of Who Pooped On The Floor

But since we were eating, I opted not to really ponder over the source From Whence The Turd Of Mystery Flowed, and instead quickly cleaned it up and flushed it away and then...

Another one. This time right in the middle of the kitchen, on the path I'd just walked through no more than 30 seconds earlier, when it was definitely poop free. 

Someone was Stealth Pooping, you guys.

And it didn't end there. After dinner, I found one in the living room, then two more under the dining table, and then Jason found MORE in the kitchen less than 15 minutes after that. All told, by the end of the night, we'd cleaned up about 10 separate poop accidents, all seemingly deposited randomly, one at a goddamned time over the course of several hours. 



Lady Ceiba Hummingbird Magillicutty of the Downton Cheezburgers

EVIDENCE FOR: It was raining yesterday, and HOO BOY, is my dog ever the dainty little princess about pooping in the rain, when her delicate haunches might dare brush against wet grass. Never mind that this is a creature who also enjoys rolling around in piles of squirrel shit and eating mulch, WET GRASS IS WHERE SHE DRAWS THE LINE. We've completely barricaded her out of her favorite stealthshit location (the basement playroom), so it's possible she'd been holding it in all day and then driven to desperate, more high-profile pooping.

EVIDENCE AGAINST: Ceiba rarely moves from position during dinner. She is a terrible begger, always crouched next to my chair, letting out the occasional growl of "GIMME SOME CHICKEN, WHORE" or busting out with her patented Waffle Jump. Also, she was unceremoniously sent out in the backyard after the first two turds were discovered, just in case it was her and was still a work in progress. However, the timeframe between Ceiba's return inside and the second wave of poop is unclear, since Stealth Pooper Was Stealthy. However however, I am pretty sure three, maybe four...um, DEPOSITS, max, has been her longstanding personal best. 

VERDICT: Undetermined. 


His Distinguished Lordship Maximillian Thunderdome, Esq.

EVIDENCE FOR: As mentioned previously, Max has been having some age-related digestive problems. He gets constipated and panics and basically goes wherever. We switched his diet up to combat the constipation but then that led to vomiting because Mister Princely Pweshus Fwuffypaws' Wittle Tummy Tums Is Sensitive. We're still working on it, but finding random rock-hard turds is not a completely foreign experience.

Mostly though, I just think he's all, "I'm OLD, motherfucker. I've paid my litter box dues. From now on I'm shitting wherever I damn well please. Life is short. Get off my lawn. Etc."

EVIDENCE AGAINST: He was not spotted downstairs at all. He stayed up on our bed all night, as far as I can tell. That's a level of stealth never before witnessed with this cat, who usually likes to announce his tummy disturbances with a lot of meowing, horking, sturm und drang, etc. The last time he was constipated he basically marched into my office mid-squat and yowling, then looked me straight in the eye and shot rainbows out of his ass, Nyan Cat style

VERDICT: Undetermined. 

So who pooped on the floor? The world may never know. The kibble-studded puke I stepped in while getting out of bed this morning is likewise mysterious, making this whole thing one big riddle cloaked in a puzzle topped with an enigma and then wrapped in a wad of paper towels. 



I must be twelve, because I still think poop (and therefore this entry) is hilarious. Of course, I don't have to clean up anyone else's, so there's that.


Maybe they were tag-teaming. :) Or one pooped in one place and the other spread it . . .

And, really, is there ANYTHING worse than stepping in cold kibble puke first thing in the morning? (Well, maybe one thing, but we won't go there.) *shudder!*


Thanks for the laugh, I really needed it!


So, so funny. And gross. But funny. We have two indoor dogs and it never fails that once we find poop or vomit in the house they BOTH look at my husband and like "It wasn't me, I swear. It was her (meaning the other one)." Whoever it was just needs to step up and say so. :)


Imagining Ceiba saying "GIMME SOME CHICKEN, WHORE" has been the highlight of my day, and I may have found a new dinnertime catchphrase. Thanks!


This is a very similar situation to the one described in David Sedaris essay "True Detective" from Naked. Hilar.


Thank you so much for the laugh! I thought we were out of the woods with our dog's recent bout of tummy troubles, only to turn the corner this morning to a lovely deposit. Tell me again why we have pets?


Thank goodness my dog only leaves tiny hard nuggets IN HIS OWN BED (gross) which we can always determine by the fact that he won't go anywhere near it. Well yeah, I guess leaving a turd nugget on your bed in one thing BUT HE'S NOT GOING TO LIE ON IT, HUMANS! Have some decency, gawwwwd.

Corey Feldman

Sorry about the poop, been through it with out cats. Cute animals BTW!

Kim W.

Do I ever have empathy for you. Our old old cat now lives permanently in the bathroom. He has the constipation poop-anywhere and puke after eating (and then eat the puke) lifestyle as well. We used to just live with the prospect of finding his poop anywhere in the house, but since we got a puppy, it became a mad-dash race to see who could get to the cat's poop first -- us to clean it up, or the puppy to eat it.

Now we have the cat on a super special diet (not that we haven't tried a million diets before including all raw meats, yuck) -- a portion of wet food with his thyroid medicine, then 15-20 minutes later, a small portion of dry food. The dry food is half regular ol' food, and half insanely expensive high fiber food. (We found using all high fiber food caused diarrhea.)

He sometimes even gets his poops in the litter box now, but he's definitely living the rest of his days in the bathroom. (It's a large room and he has his own house and his own fresh grass houseplant and is no longer tormented by the other cats or the dog -- so I think he's pleased as well.)

If you want to know more about our most disgusting cat (we have four - they are all "special" in their own ways), email me.

Pansy Lane

LOL as someone with two small dogs in the house, this entry is my life. One is four and therefore pretty established in the pooping outside game, unless I'm in another room and she can't be bothered to come find with me and plead to go outside. The other is a two year old Italian Greyhound. YEAH. SO. We affectionately call his problem "kitchen pooping" (and omg he's super stealthy with it) because he only sneaks off to go in the kitchen, but it's still.. pooping. In the kitchen. Oh dogs.


"GIMME SOME CHICKEN WHORE." You are brills. Made my day. :)

Amelia Sprout

Are you sure it wasn't one of the kids? I half expected to see their photos here. ;)


haha Nyan Cat in the hizzousse holleerrrr


If it weren't for your comment about kibble, I'd have maybe thought it was one of the kids.

Yeah, we have two small dogs, too. Pre-dogs, "Whose pee/poop is this?" is a question I never thought I'd have to ask. EVER.


I just wanted to say, this is hilarious. And I love it. That's all.


Sorry about the poop and such, but I have to comment to say that Max looks JUST like our dearly departed kitty, Nikeaux. :-) and :(


How the heck did you make this so funny? Cuz it was. Really funny. Serious.


After weighing the evidence as presented, I vote Ceiba.


Once I went to my sister's and upon entry into her kitchen I stopped just short of stepping onto a small, delicate turd. Next to the turd stood my 2.5 year old niece in only her undies. She looked at me and then the turd and then back to me and said with her arms up in a shrug, "SOMEBODY pooped on the kitchen floor." The cat looked up from his lounging spot on the chair with a look of "Bitch please. Don't even try to pin this one on me." She's nine now and we still like to tease her about it.
Good luck figuring out the mystery poop :).




OMG did I ever need this hilarity today!! Thanks for the laughs! I'd like to go stealth poop in the office of someone we are dealing with at the moment.
Anyway, at first I thought it was one of the boys. I am thinking it's Ceiba. We have a 15 yr old dog and I hate finding the horks on the carpet. Thankfully it's not too often and THANKFULLY we have no stealth poops here.


I'm going for one of the children. Once, recently, I went to change a diaper on the couch. Yes, lazy. Toddler diaper, did not think there was poop. Turned out, little poop balls were hiding in bottom of diaper. As I ran to get wipes and keep poop off the couch, I must have spilled some poop balls. We found one a few hours later. Another an hour after that. Another the next day, under the couch. Just sayin . . .


One of the things I love about you, Amy, is that you did not dump your pets once you had kids. So many people do and it is disgusting and teaches kids that pets are disposable.


I have an elderly cat, also with a constipation problem. The vet suggested we give her a 1/4 teaspoon of pumpkin twice a day mixed in her food. It really has helped!

Dawn K

Tears are streaming down my face I'm laughing so hard. Don't you love animals? Three dogs and a cat and I swear to God I clean up puke someplace EVERY damn day!


It must be the dog. The cat looks far too proper to do such a thing!

Sarah A.

I think it was Ceiba.


THIS is why I do not have pets. I have 2 small chldren -- I already clean up more than my share of feces.

Korinthia Klein

I think everybody did it.


oh but those faces are damned adorable!


Okay, that one made me laugh out loud. But I'm at work, so I had to disguise it as a cough. I coughed so much I think I peed a little.


Hilarious!! That photo of Max is terrifying. He looks like he's about to scratch your bitch-face for even naming him as a suspect.


There is an episode of It's Always sunny in philadelphia that reminds me of this story :) Very funny!


are you sure it wasn't a kid??


As we have a similar pet situation going on I'm going with the dog. Always the effing dog. I ask myself why I have pets every single day :)


My brother brought a New Girlfriend over for Sunday dinner, which was brave on his part, bringing someone he wanted to impress into a house with a baby, toddler and 1st grader, one small dog and one cranky cat. So as brother and NGF walk in the front door, I am on my hands and knees cleaning up cat hork in the foyer. Slightly awkward, but manageable. In wanders the toddler, butt naked because, well, because. He stands there for a minute and then suddenly, assumes That Serious Face and just as that awful wave of realization was sweeping over me, YES HE DID. Pooped on the floor. In front of the NGF. Incredibly more awkward and my brother had begun to stutter and NGF is dumbfounded. Hehehe, I tittered weakly. I'll clean that right up! Slight gasping noises from NGF. Coup de grace?! The dog strolled in, sniffed the Offending Poop, picked it up in his mouth and calmly took it out to the back porch. WHO NEEDS WINE? Was all I could think to say. I'm with your other commenters. It was one of the boys.


Ok, this post was hysterical, but AnnieB's comment tops all, I have to say. My co-worker just walked by and asked what I was laughing at - had to disguise it!


This post made my day, and lord, I needed it. Thank you.


Oh my god, I can't stop laughing. My mongrel/office assistant/floor cleaner dog is looking at me from her stinky basket as if I am insane. Because, as we know, being forced to poo on wet grass is no laughing matter. Good to see so many similarities between US and Australian small ridiculous dogs.


My face is covered with tears after reading this. Hilarious.


OMG!! Max!! How cute is he? Is he cross-eyed? Is it wrong that I really hope your answer is yes? I want him!


It was definitely The Snake.


I learned about pumpkin puree for dogs and cats for both constipation and diarrhea. Apparently the fiber helps move things along as well as solidify the not so solid.
Maybe that would help Sir Max?

Stealth pooping is not cool. Also, not cool is waking up to cat puking in my bed whilst I lay sleeping.

Auntie G

My vote is actually for the children. My younger son is a couple of months younger than Baby Ike, and since eating more solid foods, his poo has become more solid AND horrifyingly stealthy at times. I...can't believe the places I have encountered tiny turds in the last week or so. Like, a little poo will escape his diaper but make its way to the foot of his pajamas. We are not inexperienced diaper changers -- WTF is going on???? I think he flings turds about when I'm not looking.


Ceiba for sure. Our old black lab hangs out under the kids' chairs at supper, but makes occasional silent forays to poop a few feet away, then comes right back.

erin r

lmao. u are nuts. loved it. ceiba did it.

erin r

lmao. u are nuts. loved it. ceiba did it.


as someone with two small dogs and a long history of asking "whose poop is this?" this is SO FUNNY. Thanks for a great laugh! :)


I can't solve your mystery, but I can recommend an approach to preventing another if Max is the culprit.

Ask your vet about adding Miralax to Max's day. We have a frequently-obstipated kitty, and dayum. A little syringe (orally) of miralax & water each day and the problem vanished completely. Cheap, easy.

Doesn't hurt to poop anymore, so no more holding it in and dropping it all over the house and no more gazillion dollar vet visits for kitty colonics.

leigh ann

So... I have been a lurker here for a long long time :) but if it's Max, please take him to the vet, sometimes pooping in a different spot is a sign of him not feeling well. I love that kitty! And um... I hope it stops :)


Oh, lord.So similar to my life. Except our dog is a Beagle, so a little less mystery when she's the culprit. But there are also 3 cats. INDOOR cats. My life is one long pet latrine attendant gig.

For future reference, when the kids move out, FORBID them to acquire pets and if they DO, do NOT let them bring them when they move back in. Otherwise... PETMAGEDDON.


Thanks for the link to the recipe. It sounds delicious. Hard to believe I can think food after that post, but somehow I managed!


Dying laughing.


Okay, I'm stealing Sir Max the Deliciously Siamese-Flavored Meezer Love Bug. Then you'll only have one suspect. Case closed!

Cheryl S.

My first thought was Ike! When Jess was a toddler (probably 2.5) my mom found a mystery poo on the floor. She showed it to Jess and said "What is this?" Jess says "A raisin!" My mom: "Are you sure it's not poop?" Jess: "No! A raisin!" So my mom holds it out to her and goes "Ok. Here. Eat it!"

Gross, but hysterical.

Hope you determined the culprit! Happy MOther's day!

Charlotte McConnell

I can totally relate! We have 2 dogs, one is a hairless dog and he HATES the rain. when I smell something stinky I have too many butt to check in order to find the culprit. anyway, I LOVE your blog!!! Happy Mother's Day


We had a mystery pooper awhile back. I was quick to blame our 10 year old terrier mix who had recently been having urinary incontinence issues. I was sure it was him until he walked over to the piece of poop and ATE IT!!! I was bending down to pick it up and he clearly thought I was about to deprive him of some tasty treat, so he dashed over and ate it without even smelling it or anything. Before I could throw up, I noticed another poop pebble suspiciously close to my newly potty-trained (or so I thought) 2 year old. Turns out he was pulling his underwear to the side to, um, drop his load (he was wearing shorts). Good news - my dog wasn't the pooper. Bad news - my 2 year old was the pooper. I am happy to report that they are both currently "house trained" a year later! :)


Maybe it wasn't poop...maybe the Easter bunny came again and it was chocolate! You threw away all that perfectly good chocolate, you fool!

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