Home Improvementish

Stupid Medical Tricks

1) On Friday night, Jason slammed the car door on Noah's fingers. When I tweeted about it later, while the two of them were off having a Great Emergency Room Adventure Involving All The M&Ms, I felt compelled to include all 12 characters of the word "accidentally." You know, just in case anyone might think he did it on purpose, or for fun. You don't get to be thousandaires on America's Funniest Home Videos without the occasional grievous bodily injury, son. Now hold still. KASLAM!

An x-ray revealed that his fingers were fine. Just bruised. He had to wear a metal splint on his pinkie for a day or two, which mildly cramped his Lego building abilities but gave us all ample opportunity to point at his hand in horror and exclaim that oh my God, Noah, you're turning into a robot!

Noah: You're just kidding, right?

Asshole Parents: No, we're totally being serious.

Noah: (deep, weary sigh) Stop. 

Asshole Parents: Oh my God, Noah, you're turning into a ro-

Noah: I'll be in my room. 

2) Yesterday Ezra woke up with a swollen face and jaw. At first we thought it was another mosquito bite but on closer inspection turned out to be...huh. Not a mosquito bite. What the hell? The lump was hot and he squealed in pain when we touched it, and within 10 seconds I was like, HE HAS THE MUMPS. GOOGLE IMAGE SEARCH SAYS SO.

Of course, Ezra has been vaccinated against the mumps, but I was certainly not going to let that detail stop me, especially if you Google "mumps after MMR vaccine" and start reading about an 80% effective rate and the fact that Ezra is still a few months away from getting the booster shot and and and...

Not the mumps. A clogged/irritated salivary gland. That had all but cleared up on its own by the time we got to the pediatrician's office. They told us to give him hard lemon candy to suck on for a couple days.

Ezra: Candy?

Asshole Parents: Yes! Prescription candy!


Asshole Parents: So hey, can I make his four-year visit appointment while I'm here? And please put him down for every damn shot you've got back there, mwa ha ha.

3) Later, I walked into a toddler bed that's been cluttering up our narrow upstairs hallway for...oh, I don't know, about two months now? We put it there because we intended to move it to the attic, but it won't fit unless we take it apart, and despite being from Ikea and owning approximately eleven thousand other things from Ikea, we have been completely unable to locate a hex key that fits into the screws. So we can't unassemble it and fit it into the attic. So...we've just left it in the hallway and been sort of scooting carefully around it ever since. Good plan.

Anyway, that's how I broke my pinkie toe for about the fifth or sixth time in my life. I've lost track. The first time I broke it was on a beach trip with my church youth group and I stubbed it on the back of my friend's heel while we were walking. We were both barefoot, and of course no one believed me that my toe bone had just literally cracked in half right then and there because it wasn't like I stubbed it on steel-heeled combat boots or anything. Sack up and keep walking. The church van couldn't find any free parking so we've gotta meet it on the other side of the bridge. 

Later that night, the ER doctor held up an x-ray of my foot and asked, "What was your friend wearing? Steel-heeled combat boots? Good God."

But there's not really much to be done about a broken pinkie toe, no matter how bad the break, beyond taping it to the next toe and trying to stay off of it. Because my bone really had broken all the way through (and because it was a slow night in the ER and I had good insurance), they gave me crutches and a special shoe. But then the first time someone asked me what happened and I had to answer, "I BROKE MY PINKIE TOE," I decided I really didn't want to use the crutches or the special shoe. Apparently even I had a limit to how big of a drama queen I was comfortable being.

POINT IS. My pinkie toe never healed right and basically cracks under the lightest pressure. If I stub it, I break it. It swells up and turns a variety of interesting colors and I hobble around for awhile, cursing mildly under my breath the whole time.

So I broke it again last night, no x-ray or doctor's visit required, because my toe-taping skills are quite practiced and excellent. Plus, it's a PINKIE TOE. We only care about pinkie fingers and rogue salivary glands in this house, these days. I need to up my injury game, man. 

Busted toe

Oh God, now everyone knows that I am a total klutz who lives with a random toddler bed in the hallway AND that I paint my nails with sparkly polish from the Kardashian Kolors Kollection and I AM SO EMBARASSED. 




I thought I was the only person alive who called the little toe the pinkie toe. I'm so glad that is not true.

Mom In Two Cultures

We had the random cheek swelling thing, too. If it happens again do a web search for Juvenile Recurring Parotitis.

Sky's first episode happened to occur on ash Wednesday, at church, just after he'd been "ashed." So now he is convinced it's the ashes that did it and has a mini-breakdown every Ash Wednesday. Fun times.

And if it makes you feel any better, I am definitely in the running for epic parent fail: http://www.momintwocultures.com/2012/05/i-know-that-somehow-i-will-be-held.html

Chi Sherman

So sorry you broke your toe, but gotta say I love your polish. I even love it after finding out its a Kardashian product. :) Now wrap thine family in bubble wrap and HOLD STILL. ;)


I feel for you. Breaking your little toe hurts!!

Jenny H.

I feel your pain. I have broken my pinky toe approximately eleventy bajillion times and it hurts like a mofo. Gah. Stupid pinky toes.


I am actually heaving reading about your toe. I have a 'thing' about finger and toe injuries where I feel them as I read/hear about them. And I still looked at the picture, thinking it would be worse. I was almost convinced I broke my pinkie toe a few days ago when I stubbed a cabinet and swore for at least 30 secs straight and the pain wasn't going away.


What I want to know is...did you paint your toes just for the picture? ;) Also what is that sparkly polish cus I kind of want it.


Today I appeared in Court (lawyer! most useless job ever!) in open toed shoes with my green Essie nail polish. (Hilariously I was *this* close to painting a coat of some OPI Kardashian Skylie rainbow fart sprinkles, or whatever they call it over the green. Turns out that "trophy wife" nail polish is probably far enough out there for Courts.


Wait, NOW you're embarrassed?

Glad neither boy is worse off.

And now only Eddie Murphy threatening to shoot off Della Reese's pinky toe in Harlem Nights has me giggling like the ass I am at my desk.

Z was being a brat at dinner last night and when I put him in his chair and pushed him to the table, I pushed him kinda hard. He was holding on to the sides and well, yeah. I smashed the chair ACCIDENTALLY -- NOT BECAUSE HE WAS BEING A TOTAL 2 YR OLD ASS -- against the table and then it took me a good 5 seconds to understand he was screaming and pointing for an entirely new and non-assholish reason: fingers between chair and table. Looked like that shit hurt fo sho. Where's my award?


My dog broke his pinkie toe and got a splint and everything. Which is good because then we can hear him in the kitchen as he tries to steal food off the table and go through the trash. But the bet put a purple polka dot bandage on the splint and he's a male dog so I'm sure it's very emasculating.


I once broke two toes while running on the beach.....because I tripped over my own foot. So I feel your very special klutz-embarrassment-pain. That is hardly the extent of my "lack of gross motor coordination" injuries, but I do feel it is something of a personal best.


My husband managed to slam our son's finger in the car door too. He had a total panic attack (think Lily Tomlin in '9 to 5'), carrying him up and down a hall in the building we were parked in front of before running to the car and driving him to the nearby hospital. Leaving me stranded at the financial planner's office.

Devil car.


OMG! The first time I broke my toe was on a church beach trip too! Except mine was broken when I tripped while IN the lake. We were playing keep away with a frisbee and when I went for it, I tripped on nothing...water...a fish? Who knows. And no one believed me either. Next morning, technicolor toe, all broken. I've broken other toes too since then by stubbing, bumping into things, and cracking them on the floor. Seems my toes must all be made of peanut brittle.

Call me Jo

Oof, I feel ya. I broke my little toe so many times that it no longer bends. When I curl my other toes, it just sticks out ther, effectively a zombie toe. For some reason, my husband finds hiliarious.


My first bout of toe brokenness was due to a "fat girl" (in my defense I was 8 and she was heavier then I and this was back in the 80's) stepping on my foot at a swim meet. My parents didn't believe me and wouldn't take me to the Dr for 3 days. I even swam in the swim meet and got 2nd place,nut by then it was too late for taping to fix it. I 30 years later still have 3 jacked up toes that have wierd bends in them. Granted I've never rebroken them but it was the middle 3.

Oh and note to self do not walk over those do not back up spikes in parking lots those muther's will cut a foot open.

Call me Jo

P.S. I swear I wrote real words, ones with all the appropriate letters. Maybe my zombie toe is spreading to my fingers.

Call me Jo

Oof, I feel you! I've broke my little toe so many times that it no longer bends. When I curl my toes, it just sticks out there, effectively a zombie toe. For some reason, my husband thinks this is hiliarious.


I've had the blocked salivary gland thing, too. I also thought it was mumps. Apparently applying heat and gentle massaging (if you can stand to touch it) will also help, because that's what I was doing when it unblocked... all at once. WORST TASTE EVER OH GOD. Ezra has my sympathies.


well I for one love the blue sparkly toenail polish.


I am a terrible nail biter, and the only thing that stops me is keeping my nails polished. I recently discovered the glitter polish, and while I am WAY too old for it, it lasts forever! I haven't succumbed to the Kardashian's yet, although I've lusted after some of the colors at Target!


Hey - I broke my pinky toe on my right foot on Tuesday night too! On a highchair in my case. But really, what the hell is the point of that toe. Can we just cut it off already?


This has got me thinking about what injuries I could inflict on myself to garner sympathy from people in my house...mainly meaning from my two year old, since my wife typically sees through my schemes. "Go do something productive," she'll say.

It should be dramatic, but not too painful. There's always that needle through the top layer of skin thing that I learned how to do as a kid...or maybe I could sleep on some fort of mesh so that when I woke up it would look like my face was horribly scarred...or maybe if I rub my eye too much and it gets all pink and weepy. Those would impress my daughter, and guarantee comforting hugs.

Amy in StL

My boyfriend the EMT/Medic/Paramedic/Fireman always makes me suck on sour candies when I get one of those owie inflamed taste buds. I'm such a 3 year old that I usually whine that I don't wanna.... But it does work. Apparently that's the actual thing they tell you at the ER.



How did you not die a little when Jason did that? My son got sick, I wasn't home, and my husband kind of ignored/didn't realize he was wheezing like Mutley from the Laff Olympics. My son eventually had to be hospitalized. I had such anger toward my husband because of it. How do you stop the blame game? Does it get better the more kids you have?


No broken toes, but I did herniate a disc in my back getting off a couch.

Korinthia Klein

Love the polish! (Sorry about the toe.)


Running across the grass in my nana's garden when I was 13... stupid pinkie toe pulled back and then out to the side! Oh the humanity!!! So damn sore and no x-ray, no crutches, nothing except a bloody sore toe for ages and ages which got stubbed off of every damn obstacle imaginable. I feel you pain. I'm now a podiatrist and can officially advise you to 'rest, ice, elevate and tell you that, yeah, nothing much can be done with that. Hurts though doesn't it!'

Heather Truscinski

I too break my tow all the time. People think it's weird that I don't do much about it. Eh... It's just a toe ;)

Goddess in Progress

Your kids and I are calamity buddies. I, too, slammed my finger in a car door (my thumb, when I was eight). And I also had the mysterious OMG-what-is-wrong-with-my-face that was the blocked/infected salivary gland. Just in time for my first day at a new job. I looked like half a chipmunk.


Love the polish.. I was looking at the picture thinking "aww poor toe, ooooo nice polish need to get me some of that!" before I even read the caption.


I am pleased to hear that Ezra's salivary gland thing was painful but not like death. It happened to my husband. ON OUR WEDDING NIGHT. We spent it in the ER and he spent our honeymoon on Vicodin. He sucked lemon drops like a mofo but it still took over a week. Apparently he had a stone in there. And they say it's like passing a kidney stone in your mouth. Fun times.


I expected to see your foot in an insulated wine bottle cooler, to be honest. Feel better soon. Or at least until next time... :)


Um, I need to know the name of that nail polish color and where you got it. Seriously. SERIOUSLY.


I just adore you, you big ole klutz.


I also own a polish from the Kardashian Kolors, and similarly hate myself for it!


Susan in Maryland

You should be able to walk into any hardware store and buy an allen wrench set for next to nothing. We have two of them, one metric and one English. Guess which one Ikea uses. Then you will never have to look for random hex keys again. And sorry about the toe. Been there, done that.


I currently feel your pain, ALL the toes on my right foot are broken (damn clawfoot tub & 3yr old 2am wake ups wanting water because she is "dirstey") there isn't much they can do for any broken toes (setting the other 4 hurts like a mofo though & I thought I was either going to punch the dr, throw up, or pass out) I am rocking crutches & a HAWT air cast bubble wrap type of thing right now too...


My ex-husband was not exactly the most motivated person when it came to doing things around the house. (He was lazy. L-a-y-z-e-e. Lazy.) He took the storm windows down and put the screens up one spring, and instead of putting the windows in the garage where they belonged, he propped them up against the back of the house and left them there. For months. (Did I mention that he was lazy?) I asked him repeatedly to please put them away before somebody tripped over them, but nooooo.(I'd have done it, but they were made of wood and too heavy for me to lift by myself.) One day we were out in the yard, and he was watching me weed the flower beds. The phone rang, and he took off running around the back of the house on his way to answer it. He had just rounded the corner when I heard him let out a blood-curdling scream. I instantly knew what he had done, and God help me, I started laughing. The more I tried to control it, the worse it got. He was rolling around on the grass, clutching his foot and screaming, "Oh, you sadistic bitch! For the love of God, will you stop laughing and take me to the hospital?" I was rolling my eyes at his drama-queen theatrics. Then I saw it. Oh my God, his pinkie toe was sticking straight out from the side of his foot! "Dude," I blurted out, "It looks like the curb-feelers on a goddamn pimp mobile!" Now we're both laughing so hard we've got tears rolling down our faces. We were still laughing as the emergency room nurses were trying to figure out how to get his sandal off his foot. Pretty sure I'm going to hell for that one...


Another story from the lazy ex-husband files. When our kids were small we lived in the house with a split entrance. The stroller fit nicely out of the way just inside the door, but only of you lifted the handle up and moved the stroller in sideways a couple of inches. Which apparently took more brute strength than he could muster. (This was a running issue in the marriage, this sudden attack of weaknes just an inch away from finishing to close a drawer, a door, move the stroller out of the way.) Drove me crazy having that thing stick out in the way when it took so little effort to move it over. I kept saying that one of us was going to trip over the wheel one of these days, then one day (when the I-Told-You-So Gods were smiling down upon me), our older daughter started shrieking while playing outside - he went running in sock feet - and when he got to the door... caught his pinkie toe on the wheel of the stroller and broke the toe.

I didn't laugh. And I didn't need to say 'I told you so,' but I sure did get to give him the stink eye!


Seriously, my daughter and I relate all too well to the trials and tribulations of the once broken pinkie toe. I feel your pain to the point that I recoiled despite the uber pretty glitter polish. I hope Noah's fingers heal up and Ezra's gland clears up and that I got everyone's injuries matched to the right names because I'm just too lazy to go back and check. ;)


Oh man, infected salivary glands are the PITS. I had a stone in my salivary gland for around 10 years, it used to swell up occasionally when I ate tangy or spicy foods. Golf ball sized. Then one day the stone got too big and the saliva couldn't pass the stone so it remained stagnant and... GROSS. And PAIN. And so very, very gross.
Anyway - I had surgery eventually and they removed the stone. Make sure Ezra always drinks lots of water & has lots of lemony stuff so he doesn't end up with what I did. I drink lots of water with fresh lemon squeezed in it to keep mine flushed.


Ha.. stone.. pits. Funny.


Broken pinkie toes hurt like a bitch, yo.


Please tell me the toddler bed looks like a tire.

Jo Winchester

I love this blog! I also love the sparlkly polish, because teal is the ovarian cancer awareness color, and I am a survivor. I hate broken toes, though.

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