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(Click to embiggen.)
(You'll never guess what time it was when I made this. NEVER.)
(I AM SO TIRED AND I HAVE THE HANDWRITING OF A SERIAL KILLER.)
Posted at 12:45 PM in breathtaking dumbness | Permalink
Thanks for the laugh! I hope a nap is in your future (or Baby Ike's)!
this is perfection
Sweet lord I am so with you right now. Spoiler for my life: IT'S ALWAYS THE BABY! Actually right now it's always the two year old who is trying to kill me with his bullshit. The baby sleeps most nights, until she doesn't in which case there is a ton of cursing and EVERYONE IN THE HOUSE IS AWAKE INCLUDING THE CAT OMG.
I love this so much and now I'm furious that I can't just cut and paste it onto my own blog. WTF?
Elaine, you are my favorite, and my doppelgänger
No, you just have the thought processes of a serial killer. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE! Also, yes, it's always the baby (or a serial murderer trying to get in through the basement, don't you hear that, do you, do you, do you hear...fuck it, let 'em kill us). Also, the funny shit is always hilarious and then BAM! you hear "You're too late!" as Swiper done swiped that shit clean out yo mind.
Also, I'm sorry. Have a nap.
Very funny. And yes it's always the baby. That is unless it's my asshole 50 lb dog walking back and forth and back and forth up and down the hardwood floor on his tip toes making the loudest and most obnoxious noise in the world at 4 in the morning in an evil attempt to wake the baby and thus destroy my sleep. Did I mention that I love my dog and my baby but sometimes they exist just to torture me?
Oh, so much. I am so awake at 3am, baby or no.
Barbara, let's be friends forever. I like people who give me complements and who share my specific brand of misery ;)
Aaaaaaaamzing. Thank you for documenting the 3am brain track in those of us who, after putting the baby back to sleep, can't put ourselves back to sleep.
It's a particular brand of insomnia torture, but it's nice to know we're not alone.
But, if it IS one of the kids and you DON'T get up, all sorts of chaos ensues (except for in the case of the baby who is trapped and can't cause physical trouble--just the psychological kind...).
I'm suffering with the opposite problems. Without fail baby wakes between 4-5am and it takes me 45 mins to get him off again. I am soooo ready to go back to sleep, it's him who refuses!
PREACH! I'd also like to join the pet bullshit chorus, because when it's 3 AM and I'm being woken up by a CAT who should be embracing life as an independent woman, it's all I can do not to throw her out the window. (I usually have more sympathy for the baby.)
Sarah, hell to the yes on the cat being an asshole at 3am. Ours starts stirring up shit around 4am because she wants to be fed. IT'S NICE TO WANT THINGS CAT NOW GO AWAY BEFORE I LOSE MY COOL.
God, I'm extra capslocky today. It could have something to do with the fact that it has now been 11 days since I got more than 2 hours of consecutive sleep.
@David: YES!! What is it with the particular nature of dog nails on hardwood that is the EXACT sound needed to wake the baby??? I can have dropped practically every dish in the kitchen and the smaller one will have slept through it, but the Corgi starts hopping around and it is all over.....
Oh, yes, it is up at 3 am to pee and then the cats chasing and/or insistently purring in my face. And I cannot yell at the cat jumping on my dresser for fear of waking the baby!
Me too! I turn off the lights and my brain turns on! This results in not enough sleep at night, the necessity to take a nap, which then keeps me from going to sleep the next night and so on and so on. My apartment is the one with the lights on all night and where UPS deliveries sit outside for two days because I never hear them knock.
A serial killer, or a schoolteacher. You know, one of those.
Haha! Yes! The night's I sleep worst are usually the night's the baby sleeps best as well. It's like my brain is unsure what to do with sleep now and WANTS to plan a week's worth of meals and outfits at 3am.
Ha! Except the its the baby turns into "is that my teenager sneaking in and/or out?" Or maybe it was someone breaking in? Your brain will never stop!!!!!
I think you forgot two steps. The one where you stub your toe just as all is quiet, and the one where the smoke detector gives out a low-battery signal just as all is finally quiet.
OMG this is me all the time. Only my baby is now 5 so he doesn't wake me up. Much. But they sleep with us so instead of getting woken up by a crying baby, I get woken up with a swift kick to the head by a child who should really really be in either bunk of the awesome bunk bed that they own.
Last night at 3 am I also composed a really awesome blog post and I cannot remember any of it. *sigh*
You get a prize for that, it's so impressively spaced and bubbled and logical! Champion flowchart. Well done.
OMG! This was so me (up until a few weeks ago), well, except for the awesome bit about blogging, I'm never that good outside of my own mind.
I love this so much. Perfection.
I seriously thought I was the only one who woke up in the middle of the night and composed funny blog posts and then totally couldn't remember them in the morning.
I've always wondered what your handwriting looked like..awesomeness
Sadly, for me it's never the kids. It's ALWAYS my cat taking a crap at 2 am. Where ya digging to? China? And why do you spend 15 minutes digging in your litterbox for the perfect place to crap but you refuse to cover it. wtf.
Stellar flow chart though! Seriously. Shiny gold star sticker worthy.
My mother always called these nights the two o'clock devils. SO love the flow chart!
Oh god. Were you in my house last night?
Poor thing. I hope you got a nap!
You're too twisted for color tv!
Bahaha. Yes except replace Fruit Ninja with Text Twist because I'm scholarly, yo.
Wow! You're pretty darn coherent at 3 am. My thoughts would consist of: Mmmph, shut the hell up snoring husband, shut the hell up bladder, Goddamn it, I can't tell the baby to shut up.
Hey! Me tooo! Except add one more tier of husband poking you at 6.30 when everyone is fiiiiinaly good and properly asleep to say... I forgot, the car has to go into the shop - you need to get up, get up the baby, and drive me.
I loved all my kids as babies. But this I don't miss. Not for a second.
This shit is rocking my morning. "dammit. always." I can concur on so many levels.
That is awesome!
I so get this. I am impressed that nowhere on there was the, okay so if I fall asleep right this second then I have 2.6 hours until some child will wake me up. Oh I mean 2.3 hours. Hmmm 2 hours.
I love you, except in my world it's 3 a.m., the toddler is climbing into my bed, I just let her because WTF I am too tired to march her back to her room, fall asleep for 10 minutes, then it's the baby (of. Course. Dammit!) and by the time I get the baby back down, the toddler has taken my spot, I mean totally, and now it's 4:15 and I have to get up at 5:30 to feed my friend's horse for her and let the chickens out because what the hell, THEY'RE UP TOO) so I go sleep on the couch. (God Forbid I wake them all up again when I get up.) Wake up on couch with both (both?) hands and one foot asleep. Dammit. Feed sundry animals while darned kids (and my husband) sleep until 7, when I get back in the house to feed them all. MOMMY NEEDS HER COFFEE NOW, 'KAY? So, I needed this post this morning. Love it . Thanks!!!
Hm, I think there are some random un-closed parentheses in there somewhere. This is my brain on who-know-how-much sleep!
Love it. I want another kid, but I don't miss the sleep deprivation.
Yep, that could be my flowchart--the only thing I'd add is a bubble wondering if I can possibly fit in a nap or asking when is the earliest I can get to bed.
And I thought *I* was the only one who used naughty words in lullabies. Ex: (to the tune of lullaby) "Go to sleep, go to sleep, cuz you're DRIVING me fucking crazy...go to sleep, go to sleep...won't you ever fucking go to sleep?"
Ouiser, you have the handwriting of a serial killer :)
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