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July 2012
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September 2012

A Million Tiny Onesies

Okay, so this is random and possibly a little creepy, but are any local readers out there currently expecting a baby boy? Because... I have somehow mysteriously managed to acquire a metric buttload of baby boy clothing over the years. The plan was to pass most of it along to a friend of mine who was pregnant, but she had a girl. Then another friend got pregnant but SHE'S having a girl. Everybody everywhere, with the girls. I guess it's because I HOGGED ALL THE BOYS. THE UNIVERSE IS TAPPED OUT OF PENISES. Sorry, ladies. (Okay, that's kind of a... Read more →


Almost Four But Not Quite Yet

Ezra, on the other hand, has one more week of summer vacation before he goes back to school. He didn't realize this. He was so disappointed. Back to the manual labor grind, then. (He takes this task very seriously, in case you couldn't tell. We have the watered-est garden in at least three counties, I'd reckon.) Ezra will be four years old soon, which is weird. Not in the "OMG FOURRRR?" sense, but in the sense that...really? He's not already four? Or five? I sometimes forget that he's only three, usually right up until the moment when he suddenly lets... Read more →


First Grade, First Grade

On Friday I took Noah to his school's Open House. We met his new teachers, checked out his classrooms, and I was completely thrilled to see that the school assigned him to the teachers of his dreams, to exactly the kind of teachers Noah has historically responded best to and worked hardest to please. (Young, babyfaced-types with gobs of enthusiasm and no fear of Bribery With Snacks.) (I am about 99% sure his special ed teacher from last year hand-picked them for us.) Before we left, Noah insisted on visiting every former teacher and classroom. There were big hugs and... Read more →


Stupid Girl Does a Stupid Thing, Part Three

I woke up on day three with three immediate thoughts: 1) Jason had already left for a business trip and would be away until the next day, oh dear God. 2) If I even SUSPECTED that I was taking my mood/hunger/whatever out on my children again, I would stop that very instant. That. Very. Instant. 3) Hot christ on a ham sandwich, I feel hungover. I don't know if it was belated caffeine withdrawal or what, but I had a terrible headache. (And it only NOW just occurred to me that I didn't even consider taking anything for it. I... Read more →


Stupid Girl Does a Stupid Thing, Part Two

I woke up on day two of the godforsaken motherfucking juice cleanse fully expecting to feel sub-human. I'd read at least a dozen bloggers' experiences with three-day cleanses and it seemed like day two was the day you broke out, leached toxins out your liver and fingernails, sprouted gills and breathed fire...you know, stuff like that. Especially since prevailing pseudo-wisdom seems to be that the more "toxic" you are when you start, the worse you feel as your body rids itself of all the toxins and garbage and the persistent coating of congealed Velveeta in your colon. So I was... Read more →


Stupid Girl Does a Stupid Thing, Part One

At some point last week, I got it into my head that I wanted to try one of those three-day juice cleanse things. And by "wanted" I mean, "wanted to spout idle Big Talk about possibly trying one of those three-day juice cleanse things, because come on." Our time at the beach was a week-long experiment in testing the limits of just how much garbage the human body can consume. Results: A LOT. After seven days of nothing but heavily processed cheese, carbs, sugar, meat and booze, I was desperately craving a salad and felt an acute need to just...reset.... Read more →


She's Lump

I had a dermatologist appointment this morning — my super-exciting annual mole check. Sexy, right? Sorry to shatter any fantasies about what my hot, droopy mother-of-three body might look like in person, because seriously: I am covered in weird-ass moles. The good news is that none of my weird-ass moles are dangerously weird. They are all perfectly normal-weird. Hooray! (Though I still requested a quick liquid-nitrogen blast to the face for a normal-but-crazy-annoying sun spot I developed on my cheek during pregnancy. I go back in a month for another one, or possibly a follow-up with a laser. What a... Read more →


Baby vs. Ocean

We're back. Back to real life and all the procrastinating that comes with it (laundry! school orientations! haircuts! who needs shoes/pants/respectable-looking-underwear/etc.), which means oh hi look I got you some baby pictures. Much like McKayla Maroney, Baby Ike is not impressed. Nice try, Delaware. But I've been to Aruba. Wait. Hold up. WHAT JUST HAPPENED YOU GUYS Whoa. That was kind of a thing. (And! Then!) ERMAHGERD AH MAH GAH Bring it, ocean. And that's how Baby Ike spent his summer vacation. Just like that, over and over and over again, I don't care if you're tired and want to... Read more →


Beach Houseness

We're at the beach this week, with Tracey and fam and the life-size cardboard stand-up of Harry Potter we swiped from Sparklecorn for the express purpose of beach house shenanigans. Do not: 1) Turn corners. 2) Enter bathrooms. 3) Wonder what that shadow is out on the balcony HOLY SHIT, or... 4) Get into bed without checking to see if some asshole friend did this even though it stopped being funny four days ago, Christ. (I am kidding. IT IS SO STILL FUNNY.) Also, do not eat this. (This is pork carnitas tacos topped with Velveeta dip, green tomatillo salsa... Read more →


Open the Gates & Seize the DoofOuchOwBumpShit

So. Okay. Let's get this hideously embarrassing story over with already. I've been putting it off for some reason, like I am laboring under the delusional illusion that I have dignity or something. I broke my toe a couple weeks ago, as you may or may not recall. In retrospect, it was a pretty bad break. I think it may have involved a joint in my actual FOOT, not just the toe. So probably a break that should have been checked out and/or coddled for a week or two in a cast shoe or something. Instead of what I did,... Read more →