She's Lump
Stupid Girl Does a Stupid Thing, Part Two

Stupid Girl Does a Stupid Thing, Part One

At some point last week, I got it into my head that I wanted to try one of those three-day juice cleanse things. And by "wanted" I mean, "wanted to spout idle Big Talk about possibly trying one of those three-day juice cleanse things, because come on." 

Our time at the beach was a week-long experiment in testing the limits of just how much garbage the human body can consume. Results: A LOT. After seven days of nothing but heavily processed cheese, carbs, sugar, meat and booze, I was desperately craving a salad and felt an acute need to just...reset. (Also: the scale. FUCK YOU SCALLLLLLE.)

And so I convinced myself that a juice fast was just the fad-thing I needed to undo some of the damage and start fresh. 

Photo (35)

Three days + 18 jars of juice (plus three "shots" of beet juice and one ginger) = the weirdest and possibly dumbest impulse buy of my life. 

I hauled it all home from a fancy local juice bar that I had never even set foot in before, arranged it neatly in our basement fridge...and then stared at it for awhile, while the imminent expiration dates mocked me, as there was no putting it off. We're not pasteurized, bitch! What have you gotten yourself into NOW? 


Day one started out bright and full of promise. I was shocked to find that I did not hate the first juice (a blend of water, lemon, cayenne and coconut), and that it was actually a decent replacement for coffee, since it was tart and bracing. CLEARLY I WAS GOING TO ROCK AT THIS. 

Juice two was a cucumber...thing, and gave me my first real inkling of what I was in for. In my puny brain, I guess I'd been envisioning something thicker and more substantial, like three days of fruit-and-vegetable smoothies. 

No. It's juice, you idiot. Watery, texture-less, completely liquid juice. 

"Shiiiiiit," went my puny brain.

I carefully spaced the drinks out every two hours, as instructed, and found myself in a logic war with my stomach. My "breakfast" is typically nothing more than a pot of black coffee, and I don't usually eat lunch until well after noon, after the kids are done with theirs and the sitter leaves. So it wasn't like I was replacing a daily smorgasbord of pancakes and eggs benedict with juices. And yet after two juices I was STARVING. I mean, I wasn't really, but I was OBSESSING. 

"Lunch" was a carrot juice, which was thankfully thicker than the first two but still woefully lacking in TEXTURE to CHEW. It was filling, at least, but my stomach just felt...bored. GIVE ME SOMETHING TO DO!, it seemed to growl. I HAVE NOTHING TO NOM! THIS IS BULLSHIT!

I tried to focus on work but felt kind of sluggish and spongy, mostly because I was only half a day in and already discouraged that there was no way I'd ever make it three days without bailing. I didn't feel pure and natural and pumped full of raw, accessible vitamins — I felt cranky and hungry and wanted to be left alone with a goddamn bag of string cheese. 

I hit the lowest point around 3 pm. The sitter had left around 1, I was still trying to finish work I'd been unable to complete that morning thanks to my brain fog, and the kids were all lively and awake and demanding entertainment. I started to feel a little lightheaded and in desperate need for a nap, and juice number four was coconut water and I learned that I FUCKING HATE COCONUT WATER. It was the first one that I honestly had a hard time getting down. You people, with the coconut water? With the VOLUNTARY coconut water? I do not get you, you people. 

After awhile I stuck it back in the fridge and switched to regular water, then made some sad, cleanse-friendly "tea." Hot water, a little lemon and a small bit of the ginger shot. At this point I was so desperate for ANY variety of ANY kind that even the switch to hot water was like, total amazeballs. And I found if I added enough ginger juice it became super spicy, which made my bored-as-hell tastebuds happy. YOU GOT US SOME WATER SALSA YAAAAYYYYY!

But basically, the hours of 3-5 pm on day one were the worst. I wasn't experiencing any of the "detox" symptoms I'd braced myself for (especially since I'd done NOTHING to prepare for the cleanse, like eliminating caffeine/meat/dairy/alcohol in the days prior, but leapt right in the morning after indulging in chocolate-chip cookies and red wine the night before, because I am a winner)...I was just hungry. So very, very hungry. And NOT in the mood for juice number five, some bright green thing full of kale and romaine and celery and stuff. 

Specifically, the lowest, worst moment was when Jason came home from work and the reality hit me: I was going to have to sit there sipping juice while my asshole family got to eat real, actual food right in front of me. 

Jason stuck a pizza in the oven for the boys and — upon seeing my pale, frantic face and hearing my near-weeping over this voluntary thing that I had voluntarily signed up for — opted to only eat a salad for dinner. 

"BUT YOU STILL GET TO CHEWWWWW!" I practically wailed at him, then hid in the living room to escape the amazing, delicious smell of shitty frozen pizza warming up in the oven. 

I thought about quitting, yes. I tried to talk myself into a revised plan of drinking the juices during the day and then eating a "sensible" small dinner at night. I'd made a huge mistake, clearly. I should have worked up to this more slowly, getting back into better eating habits post-vacation for awhile and OH MY GOD I WOULD EAT MY SOFA RIGHT NOW BRING ME SOME KETCHUP.

I started in on the green juice and took a shot of the beet juice. Both of them were...surprisingly good, if texture-less. That was still the biggest issue — I liked and appreciated the fresh taste of all the vegetable juices, but missed the satisfaction and satiated feeling that comes with you know, EATING those vegetables.

Then I made the mistake of going into the kitchen to check on my children. Noah had done his patented trick of flipping the pizza upside down, then carefully eating every bite of crust and sauce while leaving the cheese behind. (He loves cheese, just not melted cheese. And yet he insists pizza is his favorite. I don't know. I don't even bother trying to figure it out anymore.) I picked up his plate and walked towards the sink and...

That cheese. That disgusting, leftover slab of sub-par mozzarella that my child had meticulously separated from his pizza slice...

...was suddenly the most irresistible piece of food I have ever encountered in my entire life.

So I ate it. I cheated on my fancy three-day juice cleanse with a hunk of cold cheese from a boxed frozen pizza.

And it was DELICIOUS. Oh, my GOD it tasted so good. Like grease tinged with regret.

And then I finished my salad-juice and finally felt...full. So much that I considered skipping the final drink of the day — a raw vanilla almond milk — but then decided to have it before bed. It was absolutely goddamned delicious and proteinariffic, like some kind of glorious vegan milkshake I never would have liked before but now! NOW! Oh, God bless you, almond milk, for being Not Juice and for having wee tiny flecks of almonds in you that I can FEEL with my TONGUE and gaaahhhhslobberdrool

I realized if I'd started the final two juices sooner, I possibly could have avoided the worst of the out-of-my-mind-with-hunger pangs, because I went to bed completely full and satisfied and slept like a rock. Maybe I could actually do this.

Or maybe it was just Stockholm Syndrome brought on by the almond milk. 

Next: Day two brings it on, in a brought-en-est z-snap fashion





I laughed tears at the image of the blobby cheese " tastes like grease and regret".
What local juice place did you use? Just in case I get inspired to be so adventurous,

Ashley // Our Little Apartment

I tried fasting once for three days - I snuck a spoonful of peanut butter each day because it was TORTURE. Then we made Indian food to break the fast and it was awful but we thought it was delicious. Not eating messed up my taste buds! Never again, man.

SO many people in my life have done juice cleanses but I prefer to just eat healthy-ish and overdo it every now and then.


I felt the need to eat a handful of peanut M&Ms about 3 paragraphs in. They were delicious.


I felt the need to eat a handful of peanut M&Ms about 3 paragraphs in. They were delicious.

Amy in StL

OMG, I've been considering a similar juice fast; because I keep reading about all the internetz trying it. But honestly, I can't even get through a slim-fast day with a sensible dinner so I keep talking myself out of it. It sounds horrible.


I just really loved this. It sounds exactly like something I would do. I laughed the whole way through.

Rhana @ Dumb {Squared}

Damn. This was a great read while I ate three slices of cold pizza.

I tried a 4-day juice cleanse a couple months ago because the kids started calling my belly their pillow. I lasted a whopping 8 hours. I called it a success.


Second Suebob's comment! I nearly spit out my leftover orange chicken with laughter on that one.


I seem to remember that you have a history of eating disorders? Just want to gently suggest that maybe a juice fast isn't a healthy decision for those with an ED past; obviously, you know best what works for you, but just wanted to throw it out there.


I got nothin' for you, funny or otherwise. I'ma just sit here and stare, hoping part 2 includes no mad dashes to the bathroom that end in "almost made it". Yup. Just sitting here. With mah chicken 'n' cheese wrap.


Hang in there, I bet it will get easier and you'll have more energy and feel good when you are done!


I have fasted [nothing but clear liquids] for as much as three weeks in a row (no, not a diet). The first three days are the absolute worst. On the second day you feel dizzy and think omg this is making me sick I'm going to die aaaaaack... but you know what? After about the third day, food sounds good, but you realize it's not actually essential. You're not actually starving. You find other things to do with your hands and mouth besides fidget-eat (oh I'm so bad about that).

I hope the cleanse cleanses you out, but as far as a "fasting experience" it's not giving you the whole picture - fasting is not the horrible masochistic painful experience that most people in the western world assume it to be.


I just started my second round of HCG. 38 days of daily injections and 500 calories. I just ate... I dunno... tomato water with pieces of chicken in it? The chewing does help but... *sigh*.


I tried coconut water a few weeks ago. Thought since it was in a shiny box the kids would drink it too. We all agree that it tastes like rotten vinegar. Who would drink it...voluntarily????


OMG for real. Coconut water is the drool of Satan.


I fall a little more in love with your writing (and you, in a completely non-creepy Internet stranger way) every time you write posts like this. :)


This seems like a wildly ambitious journey that I thank you for taking us along for. No way could I every pull off a three day juice cleanse. On the other hand, I'm on a whiskey and bacon cleanse - it's going spectacularly.


Not eating will SO mess with your head! I've only done it for a colonoscopy, but yes to the missing chewing! I couldn't imagine doing it for longer for non-medical purposes. I actually worked with a person once who had to go on a liquid diet for a week prior to a colonoscopy because the usual prep didn't clean them out enough. Anyway, looking forward to the next post!


Every time I come back from a vacation, I consider doing one of those juice cleanses...and then I see something yummy in the pantry I'd forgotten about and I call the whole thing off.

I read this while eating a delicious scratch-made brownie. I am sorry.


This continues our coincidental but strange string of similarities. I did a cleanse (only for 2 days) to rid myself of the sugar cravings I have. I did the 5 step colon cleanse (found it online) and you do eat but only fruits and veggies while drinking cayenne, lemon and apple cider vinegar (do NOT recommend the drink). I had to change the drink up to lemon and AC Vinegar because the heat and the sour together made me cry - literally. My eyes watered for an hour.
Anyway, I am done...nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah...just kidding. I called it quits after 2 days. Enough for me. I added lean protein back in and all is well.
Good luck!

Chris Sanborn

Get ready girl because you are going to poop your pants. Do not leave the vicinity of a bathroom you feel comfortable having explosive, projectile, watery poo. Have fun with that. I expect a full report.

Chris Sanborn

Also, David Rakoff (RIP) did a whole section in one of his books about the cleansing experience. He also included the enema portion. If you are interested, I recommend listening to the audio version. He narrates and you will die laughing.


i haven't done a 3day thing, or anything- but i did buy a juicer. and even when i have juice (or even a juice+banana+ice "smoothie) for lunch, i am the same way.
i need to CHEW.

i shoulda figured.
even if i have a smoothie for lunch, i need a handful of walnuts or something crunchy. i do better if it's a snack.

thanks for your insight. looking forward to seeing how it works out. b/c i could probably stand to stop eating for a few days myself!


"On the other hand, I'm on a whiskey and bacon cleanse - it's going spectacularly." --Mark

Funniest thing I've seen on the interwebs in a while!


Coconut water is awful. Seriously gross. A friend told me that "well, you'll love it after a work out" but I already feel enough like vomiting after a work out to bother trying.


I SO WANT TO DO a juice fast. So much so that if you are not going to finish this I'm tempted to buy the rest of them off of you. I did a detox diet in jan. and feb. and it was the best I ever felt and looked. I think I know of the juice bar where you got this, must go investigate.

Notice that I read this whole post and the only thing I got out of it was not, "wow she's really hungry," it was "that sounds like a great idea." No wonder we are friends.


is chewing gum allowed? might help with the chewing??


You never, ever fail to make me laugh like a mad person! haha brilliant, absolutely brilliant! Can't wait for the remaining two days. Keep it up and good luck!


I laughed so hard at this post I spat out my delicious, chemically laden Diet Coke and woke the sleeping baby in the Ergo.

Sorry about the Coke spatter, Baby.

Lisa @ Lisa the Vegetarian

Wow, this must take some serious willpower. I don't think I'd be able to pull it off (I can barely get myself to stop snacking after dinner), but I'm impressed with how you were able to get through day 1!

Suzy Q

Girl, I could not do this. Props and all.

When I got back from BlogHer and all of those disgusting mini cheeseburgers that were EVERYWHERE MAKE IT STOP, I was craving salad so bad. GIVE ME ALL OF THE SALADS. I'm over it now.


COCONUT WATER IS SO TERRIBLE. Thank you for starting a support group for all of us horribly disillusioned by the nastiness that is coconut water. Refreshing, my ass.


Whatever you do, don't look at this site:

I am in full diet mode and have been pouring over this site every night. It's total food porn. I have even stooped so low to emailing myself recipes for some kind of crazy "post diet nom-fest." So sad.


You should consider reading this

Rebecca @ Sink Or Swim

I totally want to do this! Can't wait to hear about part 2...


Girl, just dump a bottle of Miralax into your juice and you'll be so busy you won't have time to be hungry! Yep, I just wasted a whole week's vacation on those medical tests they give to women of a certain age. The one where they say, "Here, drink this, then go hang out in the bathroom"? Did that. The one where it feels like they're slamming your tits in a car door? Did that one, too. Even the ones where you get to not eat for a whole day, then they want to jab you with needles. Unfortunately, when my co-workers asked me if I enjoyed my vacation, I was too weak to stab them...


Add a slice of lime to the coconut water. It will make it more cocktail-y


I've done these! Day one is weird, day two sucks and day three makes you feel like you could do it forever and makes you sad it's over in a Stockholm Syndrome-y way. My favorite was the company that came with the instructions to "chew your juice! Pretend as your drinking that you need to chew before you swallow." The hell? No. With these juice cleanses I'm so excited to be consuming something I can't be bothered to fake chew.

Trina @ Walking With Scissors

The logo on the juice bottles looks like Wilson from that Tom Hanks movie. It's gotta be symbolic of something. Just you and the juice, trapped on a foodless island for three days. They're your only friend. Or maybe I'm just reading too much into this...

Trina @ Walking With Scissors

The logo on the juice bottles looks like Wilson from that Tom Hanks movie. It's gotta be symbolic of something. Just you and the juice, trapped on a foodless island for three days. They're your only friend. Or maybe I'm just reading too much into this...

Cheryl S.

I have been semi-obsessing over doing some sort of cleanse for a while. I'm REALLY glad to see a "real" person doing one and being honest about it.

Hope it gets better and not worse!

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