Stupid Girl Does a Stupid Thing, Part One
Stupid Girl Does a Stupid Thing, Part Three

Stupid Girl Does a Stupid Thing, Part Two

I woke up on day two of the godforsaken motherfucking juice cleanse fully expecting to feel sub-human. I'd read at least a dozen bloggers' experiences with three-day cleanses and it seemed like day two was the day you broke out, leached toxins out your liver and fingernails, sprouted gills and breathed fire...you know, stuff like that. Especially since prevailing pseudo-wisdom seems to be that the more "toxic" you are when you start, the worse you feel as your body rids itself of all the toxins and garbage and the persistent coating of congealed Velveeta in your colon. 

So I was surprised to realize that I felt totally fine. I didn't even feel hungry. Maybe it wasn't working? Maybe it was all a load of horseshit, perhaps? (IMAGINE THAT!)

Either way, I was determined to go on, if only to have something to blog about. FOR THE BLOG! TO THE JUICE!

Day two started out much, much easier. It helped that I had that dermatologist appointment to suck up most of the morning and keep my mind off the clock-watching and idle-snack-obsessing. (Getting your Rare Congenital Ear Lump photographed by the Inventor of Accutane does make for a pretty amusing morning.) I didn't miss coffee, didn't feel headache-y or lightheaded or anything like that. I also did not experience any of the — ahem — gastrointestinal side effects many people describe. (Sure was peeing a lot, though, lawdy.) And the juices all tasted bizarrely, insanely delicious. I AM JUICE CLEANSE MASTER, SAVE FOR THAT ONE THING WITH THE RUBBER-PIZZA-CHEESE SHHHHH. 

Though once again, the late afternoon began to drag. And drag. Especially with nothing to look forward to than that blasted horrid-tasting coconut water. (You know your brain has gone 'round the crazy bend when you start thinking, DAYUM, I could sure go for some more cucumber-and-kale juice instead of coconut water, yo.)

And despite my plan to drink the "dinner" juice earlier, I got distracted with the kids and kind of forgot, and by the time I realized it I had fully morphed into a Grump Monster.

And I'm not kidding. You guys, I was AWFUL. Everything set me off. EVERYTHING. I snapped. I scolded. I yelled. 

(In my defense, my kids were behaving a little extra turd-y and screechily fighting over EVERYTHING, but instead of like, coming up with a suitable distracting activity or sending them outside, I simply tried to referee uselessly from the couch, and then blamed THEM for my uselessness.)

The worst moment came when I realized Ezra had abandoned a nearly-full milk box behind the couch in the living room, which Ike had found and upended, causing a GIANT FLOOD of milk all over the floor (and himself). And I lost it. Lost my temper, my cool, my entire grip on reality and perspective. 

I know a lot of mothers have had that moment when you realize you need to excuse yourself and spend a few moments staring at your horrible, angry, snarled-up face in the bathroom mirror, counting to 10 or 100 or 1000. But let me tell you, it adds a whole new level of shame and guilt when you're locked in there with a $9 spinach/kale/romaine/celery juice-thing, knowing that you just lost your shit at a three-and-a-half-year-old because you're purposely depriving yourself for nebulous, questionable reasons. 

I eventually emerged from the bathroom and tearfully apologized to both Ezra and Noah. They both seemed to already be Over It and unfazed (such is the impotence of my fury, I suppose), but I'm still not, even two days later. Boys — and especially Ezra — if you ever get bored enough to go back and read this crap: I am so, so sorry. There was no excuse for me to yell at you like that. I hope you forgive me, because I was a total asshole

And once again, the instant I drank the "dinner" juice (or whatever you want to call it), my world and mood were righted, and I felt fine. FINE. I was a Juice Cleanse Werewolf, who needed to be locked away in solitude between the hours of 3 and 5 pm, at which point I could emerge and not be completely batshit insane. 

After we put the kids to bed I curled up on the couch with the almond milk and watched — what else? — The Hunger Games. 

Next: Day three. And yes, there was a day three, and it was real and it was SPECTACULAR. (Also kind of anti-climactic.) 

Comments

Samantha

I'm getting married in less than two months and between your posts and Rosie O'Donnell's tweet that she's been "plant-based" for nine days and lost nine pounds? PASS THE KALE.

neal

It's a bit of a catch-22. Sometimes it feels as though if my toddler made a really big deal out of my mean mistake, then I could make a really big deal out of apologizing, and the two would balance each other out and maybe even by a learning experience that we both could grow from.

But she only seems to internalize the moments that are really hard to make a healthy lesson out of, like that time I accidentally ran her head into the door jam while carrying her. Sure, I can apologize profusely, but it's a lot harder to teach a lesson about "sometimes daddy ACCIDENTALLY does something to hurt you," ... it's kind of abstract and gets all muddled by an apology combined with "but I didn't mean to, so don't blame me too much."

Arnebya

Totally had that day recently where I had to apologize to the 2 yr old because mommy is an asshole. Your takeaway from day 2 though should be your Juice Cleanse Werewolf status. Not all of us can be taught in the middle of what some might consider breathtaking dumbness.

mark

I always say it's all fun and games until somebody spills a milk box while mommy is on a juice cleanse. That's like mixing fire and gasoline. Looking forward to day 3.

Liz

"Juice Cleanse Werewolf" really just made my day. Thank you! Now I'm off to put my nice face on.

Call Me Jo

I love reading about this juice journey, but admit that it's a bit like watching someone decide to do complex algebra for fun. I guess that says all I need to say about my attachment to solid foods.

sheilah

Not to diss your juice detox but from what I understand 'detox diets' are less effective than just drinking a glass of water...and a whole lot more expensive. Better to just spend a week or so eating a lot of fresh fruits and vegetables than to torture yourself this way.

It is an enjoyable series of posts though...better you than me...

Jodifur

I'm making Doug read these and he is all "and you STILL WANT TO DO THIS?". yes. Yes I do.

Jodifur

I'm making Doug read these and he is all "and you STILL WANT TO DO THIS?". yes. Yes I do.

Lisa Miller

I am glad to read that the juice fast is going well...so far...a friend of mine once did a fast with ginger tea. Just ginger tea. Even after all these years, I still laugh hysterically at her description of how bad ginger tea burns when it exits the colon! Can't wait to read about the third day...

Meg

I have learned through many embarrassing and scarring (only to me as my children seem similarly impervious to my rage over spilled milk and the like) incidents that if I feel that ragey feeling creeping up, I need to stop what I'm doing immediately and go get a snack. Somehow eating peanut butter straight out of the jar while standing up in the kitchen makes it alllll better.

lolykroll

Wait....milk box???

a BOX of MILK??

What?!?!?

Julie Marsh

There have been many occasions on which I've lost my shit in epic proportions, but I think the worst of these involved a gallon of milk on my kitchen floor, even without the benefit of being on a juice cleanse.

Katie S.

"It was real and it was spectacular." is one of the best things ever. I used to use that quote all the time and I had forgotten it. Thank you for reminding me.

Meghan

My husband did a seven-day juice fast about six months ago. I have never seen the man cry, but he knew it was time to eat something already when he cried during an episode of Undercover Boss. And not the part where they give new cars to single moms.

Rebecca @ Sink Or Swim

Okay I had watched 'Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead' and wanted to do this, and now I REALLY want to! I have to buy a juicer and get going!

Mollie@Kitchen Organizers

Hope the 3rd day is not worst as in 2nd day. good luck!

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