She's Lump, Part Three
Red 40, Sugar, HFCS Everywhere, and Not a Drop to Drink

It's Hard Out There For A Baby Ike

No call from the doctor yet, because of course. After briefly convincing myself that the lump was probably going to explode at any second, filling my skull with oozing deadly aneurysm cancer (it's a thing) (that I made up), I have since circled back to "it's just a cyst, dial it down, moron" and calmed down significantly. This concludes today's up-to-the-minute coverage of Amalah's Weird Ear Lump Thing. 

Anyway, what we really need to discuss is my drama queen of a toddler.

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Soon.

(caption h/t @thesteph on Instagram)

Ike is 16 months old now, and has apparently decided to get a head start on his Terrible Two-ing, because OH MY GOD, the dramatics. The dramaaaahhhhhtics. They are at teenage girl levels around here.

Every set of photos I take now contains AT LEAST one or two random, out-of-the-blue meltdowns, usually bookmarked by happy, smiling photos snapped a few seconds before and after.

PROBLEM: I have just realized I am not standing directly next to the thing I want to be standing next to.

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SOLUTION: Burst into momentary, hysterical tears, then walk four steps forward to the thing.

PROBLEM: My mother has just politely requested that I not eat the cat food.

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SOLUTION: Throw self to floor, pound fists and kick feet like a big goddamn tantrum-y cliche. 

On Sunday, we let Noah choose the day's activity in honor of his birthday. (We're having a party in a few weeks, because I am awful and lazy and making Noah and Ezra have a single joint party, something I'm sure they will complain bitterly about for many blessed years to come.) He put our money right where our big fat mouths are and chose Chuck E. Cheese, aka Thanks Son, Why Don't You Just Stab Our Brains With A Screwdriver Instead?

Ike immediately found the one sole toddler-sized ride and began demanding tokens. (Who taught him that these rides move if you put money in them? WHO? Was it you? Asshole.)

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And the mascot-based brand-loyalty assimilation was quick.

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But unfortunately, so was the ride.

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OMG I'M NOT BOUNCING ANYMORE AND I HAVE JUST NOTICED CHUCK E.'S DISTURBING LACK OF A LOWER BODY THIS IS THE WORST 30 SECONDS OF MY LIFE.

And last night, while attempting to document Ike's ring-stacking abilities, I instead ended up with the following series of preshus memories, all in under a single minute's time:

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STAGE ONE: Disaster!

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STAGE TWO: WHAT IS EVEN THE POINT ANYMORE IT'S ALL GONE SO WRONG

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STAGE THREE: A slow slide-down-the-wall-to-the-floor while dramatically weeping.

(If I'd only been shooting video, I would GIF the SHIT out of this.)

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STAGE FOUR: Defeat. Utter, heartbreaking defeat.

Not pictured: Minutes after I managed to coax him up off his face and get him back down to a woeful-sniffing level of sadness — via a bribe of apple juice — he took a swig from his cup and promptly thwacked his head on the wall behind him and started the whole rage-cycle all over again. 

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Sorry, baby. Growing up sucks. I'd suggest you just stop doing it already but I know you won't. I promise I'll always put down the camera and give you hugs, though. 

Comments

Lindsey

Oh, my ... laughing out loud but with tears in my eyes. xoxo

G.G.R

Jesus Christ he looks so big boy with all those TEETH! Wasn't he born yesterday?! What the fuck is going on? *melts to floor and kicks legs and screams BECAUSE I DON'T UNDERSTAND OMG*

Sarah

Oh my, I had forgotten what this stage is like! These pictures are priceless.

sheilah

Re: the lump thing...I know you know that if it were truly terrible you would have been called quickly (or if it is so bad that there is nothing they can do they might put it off too...sorry).

Wait...Ike's a TODDLER?

Megan @ Mama Bub

WHO IS THAT BIG KID? I mean, for real, where did your baby go?

Devin

My daugther is about a month younger than Ike, so I enjoyed following along with your pregnancy and watching Ike grow. This post literally made me laugh out loud because Harper has been doing the same dramatic tantrum throwing routine. We just step over her while she's hurled herself across the kitchen floor and go on with whatever we're doing.

Emily

LOL - aside from the whole weird ear lumpy thingy - I swear you're in my house...

My lovely wonderful daughter (20mo old) has suddenly taken to crying about EVERYTHING.

OMG the dog looked at her! WAAAHHHH

OMG mom said not to put my stuffed bunny in the dog water! WAAHHHHH

OMG my cup rolled under the ottoman! WAAHHHHH

Gotta love it when 2 starts early, huh?

jill (mrschaos)

I can't even explain how I love this so much. But just know that I do.

My kids are 15 & 10. The dramatics and fits are still (sometimes) hilarious and entertaining.

Amber

So my parents totally did the joint birthday parties when we were little. My sister and I are three years and ten days apart. And let me tell you. Nothing scars a kid for life like having to share a birthday cake with your older sister. Who does not share her Barbies. And is a big mean meanie.

Kari

Two days ago, my son (21 months)was lying in our shower weeping, "WATER, WATER!" There was water all around him.

Yesterday he did the same thing in the kitchen. "WATER, WATER!" His water cup and my water bottle were directly in front of him. I guess he is worried about hydration? The many people in the world who don't have access to clean water? I am baffled.

Dawn

Oh the humanity!

He's seriously adorable.

That is all.

michele

The problem with a #3 child is that for 16 months they have been 'in training' observing precisely how to execute a dramatic meltdown!

Julie

Re: teen girl levels of drama. Our girl will be 13 in less than a month. She too is a prodigy, as she started the hormonal dramatics about two years ago. I finally resorted to taking video of her to show her her levels of ridiculousness. I don't suppose that would work on the toddler though.

Em

Love the pictures. My 16-month-old is also a major drama queen. It is hilarious. Most of the time. Sometimes it is really, really, really annoying.

Janna

Thank you so much for posting this. We have an 18-month-old and although I know tantrum-y stuff is normal, I didn't realize how it happens over the most ridiculous stuff and I was starting to worry my daughter was losing her mind. Also? Accidentally bumps her head on everything. Glad to know she's perfectly normal :)

Call Me Jo

Cutest widdle drama prince!

Emma

This is hilarious. Our 14 month old is not there yet, but I can see it coming. Hopefully because she is a girl we might be spared a little…. She just learned that if she wants the music to play she just needs to point at it. In the future this will probably work so maybe not a bad skill to have.

April

Okay, the Chuck E Cheese thing. WTF man? How do they worm their way into the collective toddler psyche? When passing our local Check E Cheese this week, my 23 month old starts hollering, "That's Chuck E Cheese right there, mama!" Um ... what? I immediately called my husband and demanded to know when the fresh hell he told our little man about Chuck E Cheese. He was also dumbfounded. We have NEVER mentioned that place. Ever. And since he is always with one of the two of us, our minds = blown. Seriously. HOW DO THEY DO IT?

Charlene

I can't even describe how much I love that first picture!

thesteph

Oooh, I'm famous. brb updating linkedin

Marcy

a) This is precious and
b) as a person who's had myriad health issues, when something is really awry with a test they contact the doc ASAP - no news is good news.

Jillian

I make my boys share a birthday party too. It's this Saturday and I'm just now realizing I didn't order enough cupcakes. Or anything else. Meh. We'll figure it out.

AmyC65

I have a 19 & 15 year old who are both still alive and speaking to me. So I am, obviously, a parenting expert. Do yourself a favor? no cajoling, no bribing off the floor. Pick a safe place (bedroom? Playpen?) lift him up and plop him in there. Tell him he can come out when he stops screaming. He won't do it for long after that. If he does it in a store? When at all possible, high-tail it out of there immediately, even if it means you didn't get your errands done. Oh, wait. You weren't exactly looking for advice, were you?

JenVegas

Yeaaaaaaaaaaaah! WOOOO! My toddler is 22 months old and he's JUST LIKE THIS! It's making us a little crazy. Well, OK I can deal with it fine but my husband just stands there with his finger up his nose, staring at me like I can fix it. THAT makes me crazy. The toddler fits sort of making me giggle. But I try not to laugh directly at him.

Arnebya

I'm doing a wall slide my damn self. Z says to us the other day, having NEVER stepped foot into a Chuck E Cheese: Mommy, I go where a kid be a kid. THE HELL? That shit must have subliminal messages just like the golden arches.

Good thing nonbabyhugeboy Ike is cute. Makes laughing at his pain easier. Also, that ring toy is also futile when you're drunk.

Erin

Oh my goodness, this is my life right now. My daughter is just a week younger than Ike and the tantrums have already started. Of course, thanks to her older brother she adds the words me, mine, and NO on top of the foot stomping and crying. Life is hard at 16 months :-)

Tracey

I chuckled HARD after reading this. Sorry. He's cute as hell though. My daughter, who is now a lovely 14 and not prone to temper tantrums just mood swings, was THE DEVIL SPAWN at this age for two blessed years. Screamed, cried, howled over everylasteverloving thing. There were times I swore she was a demon changling.
Now? She rocks. But it's so nice to know I am not alone in this horrible phenomenon.

Tracey

Oh and the ear thing? Good luck. Hope the the damn doctor calls with results because they should know that people freak the fuck out with that type of waiting.

Shannon

Good gravy, we're right there with you. E is a month younger than Ike and has gone from such a sweet baby to a drama queen. Many a playdate has the other mom cooing at her "what's wrong?" when--literally--she's crying because someone else looked at the toy she wanted. Or the other kid is standing next to her. Or another baby has dared to touch HER mama. Le sigh.

Suzy Q

He is still so full of Cute, even with the drama tears.

Tari

My 14 mo old does the same thing. It's so much fun having people apologize for causing a meltdown when all they did was look at her in public.

Audra

Third child syndrome. All these parents with three fucking kind lie to you about it until you have a third and then they are all like, oh yeah, third kids suck ass with the princess/prince complex bullshit. In other news the picture of Ike slowly sliding down the wall killed me.

Amy v

Ha! Mine is starting with this at 11 1/2 months. I'm trying very hard to control my response because I know at this point it's a kind of test. "What happens when I scream in frustration? Do I get what I want? Oh, OK. I'll do that next time."

Robin

Why don't I ever think to take pictures when my kids are doing that? LOVE IT.

kim at allconsuming

OK, here's the thing, I had NO IDEA Chuck E. Cheese was a real thing. Seriously. Just thought it was a fabricated homage to transfat in the movies, like Pizza Planet. Is Pizza Planet real? Has the world gone made?

Aimee

when my eldest was little, and things like you describe would happen, I would try to soothe her by saying "it's hard to be a baby". My mother in law thought I was nuts but, when you think about it, they can't control anything, but want to and are always being picked up and moved at their parents' whim. Poor babies.

Lucy

Ahahaha - we are RIGHT there with you! Lucas is 3 weeks younger than Ike, but we've been in drama queen central for a month now. This boy with the RAGES, my GOD, he just feels things so INTENTLY.

And actually, he sorta looks like Ike, too. Two ragey kewpie dolls.

http://i1321.photobucket.com/albums/u559/weese171/DSC04755_zps757ec091.jpg

Lucy

Ahahaha - we are RIGHT there with you! Lucas is 3 weeks younger than Ike, but we've been in drama queen central for a month now. This boy with the RAGES, my GOD, he just feels things so INTENTLY.

And actually, he sorta looks like Ike, too. Two ragey kewpie dolls.

http://i1321.photobucket.com/albums/u559/weese171/DSC04755_zps757ec091.jpg

Lucy

Ahahaha - we are RIGHT there with you! Lucas is 3 weeks younger than Ike, but we've been in drama queen central for a month now. This boy with the RAGES, my GOD, he just feels things so INTENTLY.

And actually, he sorta looks like Ike, too. Two ragey kewpie dolls.

Lucy

Ahahaha - we are RIGHT there with you! Lucas is 3 weeks younger than Ike, but we've been in drama queen central for a month now. This boy with the RAGES, my GOD, he just feels things so INTENTLY.

And actually, he sorta looks like Ike, too. Two ragey kewpie dolls.

Lucy

Ahahaha - we are RIGHT there with you! Lucas is 3 weeks younger than Ike, but we've been in drama queen central for a month now. This boy with the RAGES, my GOD, he just feels things so INTENTLY.

And actually, he sorta looks like Ike, too. Two ragey kewpie dolls.

http://i1321.photobucket.com/albums/u559/weese171/DSC04755_zps757ec091.jpg

Sue C

Since my brother and I were born six years and one day apart, we shared not only a party but a cake! He had chocolate icing and cowboys and Indians on his end and I had pale green icing with coconut Easter baskets full of jelly bean eggs on mine! Fun times, fun memories.

Francesca

My boyfriend's dad always used to say "oh, it's hard being a Tom, isn't it?" and STILL DOES any time Tom expresses that he is less than perfectly happy. Poor Ike!

Meg

Gotta love the toddler drama! I have such a hard time not bursting out laughing when my daughter acts like the world is ending because she cannot climb the DVD tower.

xbox 360 games

Well these pictures is really amazing keep sharing ...!

Jen

Lucy is just a month older than Ike and she's my oldest (I also have a 3 month old GOD HELP ME) so I've loved reading about Ike since his birth because we're always just right there with you. Love the wall slide. Of course, I've read your blog since Noah was a baby (was there a Washingtonian piece about you? I heard about you years ago from some local mag), so I would have loved the entire life of Ike even if we didn't have kids the same age!

Alaina

My second boy is EXACTLY like this - he's 14 months. I can't get over how intensely dramatic and tantrum-y he is! So, long story short - I feel your pain!

Anne

Seeing Ike looking so cute in his various diaper covers makes me regret going basic with solid blue, white and pink. Silly me never thought of the simple yet complete outfit potential pf a colorful cover.

This has been one of my favorite posts. I know it is weird but I love all the academy award winning drama of this stage. Beyond that I think you should take a picture of Ike in that chair every month until we can see his torso. Now that would be an interesting see how I grow series of photos.

TallulahEulallie

I'm 624 months old, and I act just like that! (Menopause is a real bitch.)

becca


So funny! My 17 month old is right there too. Tears and face-down-leg-kicking-snotty-faced tantrums while I try not to laugh at him. The woeful sniffles at the end are ridiculously funny too. All because 'I just woke up from my nap and I can't deal with ANYTHING - wah'

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