Eat Like No One's Watching
So Long & Thanks For All the Fish

She's Lump, Part Who Cares

So. Basically. Epic Post-MRI Runaround was Epic. I waited patiently by the phone for several days, because of COURSE my doctor would call me. He SAID he would call me. And no one has ever lied about calling me back in my entire life ever. I mean, except for all those times in middle school, high school and college. OTHER THAN THAT, I AM JUST BRIMMING WITH RAINBOW-TINTED OPTIMISM.

My doctor never called me. So I took the drastic step of — omfg — calling him back. 

Or...I tried, at least. This particular ENT doctor is part of a absolutely ginormously labyrinthian ENT practice, with about six locations and a dozen doctors. But only one (1) phone number. Which you call and are presented with a crazy number of automated robot options, of which zero (0) are actually related to, yanno, getting in touch with a specific doctor. Or any doctor who could review MRI results.

There was an option for leaving a message with a nurse practitioner, which seemed vaguely close-ish to the sort of human being I needed to speak with, but when I tried that I was re-directed to "Anita"'s voicemail, wherein she informed all callers that today, April 19th, was her last day of work. She wishes us all luck, and goodbye.

Shockingly, Anita failed to return my message. Next I tried calling the appointment people, since fine! You are person! Who is not Anita! Not-Anita promised to pass my message on to my doctor, but after several more days of phone silence I went on the practice's web site, found a "Contact Us" form and basically caps-locked all over that bitch.

HEY I JUST MET YOU AND THIS IS CRAZY BUT HERE'S MY NUMBER SO CALL ME OR SO HELP ME GOD I WILL GIVE YOU BAD RATINGS ON...UM...WHATEVER THE DOCTOR EQUIVALENT OF YELP IS.

Tl;dr My doctor finally called me back today! 

And it is good news (as I was mostly suspecting, since one would hope a large, super-highly regarded ENT group would not ignore a radiologist's report that "MY GOD SHE'S ONE WEEK AWAY FROM DEATH FROM EXPLODING EAR LUMP CANCER" for two whole weeks). 

The lump is NOT the weird deep-rooted sinus malformation the first two doctors thought it was (three if you count the Inventor of Accutane, who is going to be soooooo disappointed), but a more run-of-the-mill benign lipoma. 

"A fat tumor, basically," he explained. 

A tumor of fat. On the side of my face. 

Fhoadhfohq

I am such a sexy bitch, y'all.

Anyway, it DOES need to be removed since it just keeps getting bigger and more uncomfortable, but it will be a relatively easy, straightforward surgery instead of ...um. The opposite of that. With the whole risk of facial paralysis and stuff. So you'll probably only have to read about this stupid ear lump one or two more times, max. 

So go ahead and breath a collective sigh of relief. You've earned it!

Comments

Hannah

It's weird how completely relieved I am given that I've never met you. But I am. Never have I been so pleased to hear that someone has a lump of fat on the side of their face.

Taylor

flames! flames on the side of my face! I bet not a lot of people got that reference, but since I spent several weeks in junior high memorizing "clue", I knew exactly what you were going for!

Chi

Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay! I mean, uh, not that you have to have surgery. Whatever. You understood. Yaaay!

Megan

I am so relieved for you, too! But WTH with the doctor's office - don't they think "Gee, this person might want to know kinda quickly if they have cancer or not"? I wouldn't have been able to live with the suspense, so my hat's off to you.

Amalah

@Megan To be fair, cancer was never really a concern/possibility here. (Not that I'd ever let that stand between me and a good hyperbole.) The MRI was more to see just how big and deep into my head the lump went and how tricky it would be to remove.

But, you know, any time you start thinking too hard about lumps and bumps and abnormal cells...yes, it would have been much nicer to have gotten this news sooner.

Meg

Glad your lump is less serious than previously thought (although, it is also now significantly less cool, le sigh).

Lis Bokt (@tyskkvinna)

Yay!

Patty

LOL! I had a lipoma removed from my back last summer - it's a pretty easy procedure, although I'm pretty sure if your's is as large as mine was, you'd be freaking out a lot more... at any rate, good luck, and I'm glad it's not anything bad!!

Kathy

And when you SAY 'big lump of fat on the side of my face', you MEAN, good reason to stay in for week, eat ice cream, and be waited on. Do it.

SarahB

Yay! I have never been so happy for someone to have simple old fat lump on the side of their face.

Shari

If it makes you feel any better, my dogs have tons of benign lipomas. ;)

Cris

So it's basically fancy liposuction :D

Liz

Yayy! Congrats on your fat lump! And benign! That's exactly what I was hoping it would be. Well, except for a rogue Nerd candy. I always hope for rogue Nerd candies.

krisfun

Can I just tell you how frickin' AWESOME it is that you chose that scene from my favorite movie ever at the exact moment of "the side of my face"?!
So glad it is only a lipoma, and not stage 12 ear cancer. Because if you're not around to write this blog, what am I expected to read?

Anne

Firstly, I'm so glad that everything is fine with the lump. And secondly, LOVE the Clue reference. I agree with a previous comment that a lot of people probably won't get the reference, but I do and I loved that movie when I was a kid. I also was one that watched it so many times I basically had it memorized. So thanks for the bit of nostalgia and again, I'm happy the lump is no big thaang.

Natalie

I just went through this with a stupid mole. A mole that had been there for YEARS with very little change, but had two colors, so it was suspicious when I finally went in to have it checked out. Of course, my mind was all "hey, you've had this for years, it's OBVIOUSLY infiltrated everything and you're screwed". It took them two weeks to get back to me, and it was benign. So, YAY! That you're ok, I know that feeling of relief.

Angela

That's fantastic, congrats! Now you can go enjoy life again :-)

Holly

Awesome Mrs. White reference! There are not enough Clue references in this world. Could have thrown in a "The end of the world is upon us" at some point too :)

Sarah

Very happy to hear this. I have been wondering.

Laura

I LOVE THAT SCENE FROM CLUE! Oh, and I'm really happy you're OK. :-)

Kim W.

I have many many lipomas, but have only had one removed --because it kept getting bigger and bigger. I went to a plastic surgeon instead of a dermatologist because my regular doctor told me that plastic surgeons are more careful when cutting and stitching. So glad it's benign and that your lumpsaga is almost over. (not that it's not entertaining.)

Erika

Oh my goodness. Clue is one of my favorite movies! I hated her SO MUCH! Fl-Flames! On the side of my face!

Damien (Lurker who you met at Salt last spring with my wife and gushed about how awesome and gorgeous you are.)

Yay! Been thinking about this and you. And wonderin'...

Andrea

OMG...thanks for the laugh when I needed it most. I am awaiting a call from a doctor for a biopsy I had yesterday. It sucks and it is so stressful with all the what-ifs but your "HEY I JUST MET YOU AND THIS IS CRAZY BUT HERE'S MY NUMBER SO CALL ME OR SO HELP ME GOD I WILL GIVE YOU BAD RATINGS ON...UM...WHATEVER THE DOCTOR EQUIVALENT OF YELP IS." was much-needed comic relief! Congrats on the news!!

kailiia

You hated them sooo much.... that flames... on the side of your ear.. or lumps. Ya know where this goes. I'm super glad the lump is one of usual ick instead of doom.

Suzy Q

Yay for fat! Fat that can be removed!

Amy

So happy for you. Woohoo!

Liz

My husband gets those! I thought they were kind of terrifying, but he's assured me that they're no big deal. (He's had them removed from his finger and arm, and now he's ignoring some in his back. Because they aren't a big deal and surgery is annoying.)

Wally Hartshorn

For those of you geeking out over Clue, you might be interested to know that filmsack.com will be covering Clue in 2 more weeks, if I remember their schedule right. Film Sack is a very funny podcast in which 4 guys sit around talking about movies that are available for streaming on Netflix. Speaking of which, Clue is available for streaming over Netflix. Go forth and enjoy!

Kim

I adore the "flames, flames..." photo! The only time I can think of either the word tumor or fatty being good is when they are together. Glad to hear it's all okay.

Rebecca @ Sink Or Swim

Yay for fat lumps instead of ear cancer! My mom has a lump of what her doctors called 'floating fat' that kind of moves around her torso. Bodies are bizarre.

TennaWho

I just spent a good ten minutes longer sitting in my work parking lot because "OMFG AMY'S LUMP! DIAGNOSIS!"- I'm so glad ending my day hinges on the the health of my internetz bffs who are unaware we are bffs.

So glad it's just some random fat!

michele

this is on your face, so you will need a plastic surgeon right? Of course you are young & beautiful but if you have ever considered any other plastic surgeony related procedures in the facial region, now may be your chance (just sayin'!)

Dawn

Hey, what's a little, ol' lipoma between friends?

So glad for you that it turned out to be less freaky than they originally thought. Those doctors, eh? Such pessimists.

lisa

whenever you post stuff like this i feel compelled to google image it. That never ends well

Della

I am cracking up at the comments up here. I love Cris's suggestion that this is actually just fancy medical liposuction :)

MariaV

I'm happy for you, Amy!

Wendy

Just echoing the "have a plastic surgeon remove your lipoma" advice. Really, really, really and really. They make all the difference in the world. I had an egg-sized lipoma removed and you cannot even see the scar. I swear.

A.

So happy for this news!

Also, so excited that someone else in the world would know what the heck I was talking about if I quoted that part of Clue. Or any part of Clue. Love that movie.

Petey

My husband had the same type of "fatty deposit" on his side a year ago. The doctor described it as a "pocket of fat". He had it removed. No biggie. But of course, his nickname is now Fatty Pockets.

Dottie

Oh hey! That's the most wonderful news! Really happy for you.

Janice

Yayyyyy! Great news!!

Lauren

I'd be all, "Excuse me doctor but I also have tumors of fat all over my hips and ass, so we'll be removing them as well, right? RIGHT?"

But that's just me.

ElizaBethCloutier

I am IN LOVE with you for posting that picture from Clue. YOU RULE!

TiA

I love you a little bit more for that Clue screen shot. And I love that everyone else admitted it's among their favorite movies :)

AmyC65

I am super relieved to hear this. I, for one, would read about your fatty tumor face lump over & over again.

MP

Love the Clue reference! "Flames! Flames on the side of my face...breathing..breathless...heaving breaths...heaving..."

Corey Feldman

glad to hear it is benign

Katia

First time reader here. You're hilarious. I'd love to impress you back but have nothing witty to say. Oh well.

Big Gay Sam

I was hoping it would be your evil twin (like in the Venture Bros.) and once released would wreak havoc on the world.

sallybeth

One, yay! No ear lump cancer, whoo!

Two: omfgYAY with the Mrs. White reference.

High fives all around, lady!

Ladotyk

Great news, hurray! And I'll be the billionth person to thank you for the Clue shout-out. I so want to rent that rightnow.

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