So. Basically. Epic Post-MRI Runaround was Epic. I waited patiently by the phone for several days, because of COURSE my doctor would call me. He SAID he would call me. And no one has ever lied about calling me back in my entire life ever. I mean, except for all those times in middle school, high school and college. OTHER THAN THAT, I AM JUST BRIMMING WITH RAINBOW-TINTED OPTIMISM.
My doctor never called me. So I took the drastic step of — omfg — calling him back.
Or...I tried, at least. This particular ENT doctor is part of a absolutely ginormously labyrinthian ENT practice, with about six locations and a dozen doctors. But only one (1) phone number. Which you call and are presented with a crazy number of automated robot options, of which zero (0) are actually related to, yanno, getting in touch with a specific doctor. Or any doctor who could review MRI results.
There was an option for leaving a message with a nurse practitioner, which seemed vaguely close-ish to the sort of human being I needed to speak with, but when I tried that I was re-directed to "Anita"'s voicemail, wherein she informed all callers that today, April 19th, was her last day of work. She wishes us all luck, and goodbye.
Shockingly, Anita failed to return my message. Next I tried calling the appointment people, since fine! You are person! Who is not Anita! Not-Anita promised to pass my message on to my doctor, but after several more days of phone silence I went on the practice's web site, found a "Contact Us" form and basically caps-locked all over that bitch.
HEY I JUST MET YOU AND THIS IS CRAZY BUT HERE'S MY NUMBER SO CALL ME OR SO HELP ME GOD I WILL GIVE YOU BAD RATINGS ON...UM...WHATEVER THE DOCTOR EQUIVALENT OF YELP IS.
Tl;dr My doctor finally called me back today!
And it is good news (as I was mostly suspecting, since one would hope a large, super-highly regarded ENT group would not ignore a radiologist's report that "MY GOD SHE'S ONE WEEK AWAY FROM DEATH FROM EXPLODING EAR LUMP CANCER" for two whole weeks).
The lump is NOT the weird deep-rooted sinus malformation the first two doctors thought it was (three if you count the Inventor of Accutane, who is going to be soooooo disappointed), but a more run-of-the-mill benign lipoma.
"A fat tumor, basically," he explained.
A tumor of fat. On the side of my face.
I am such a sexy bitch, y'all.
Anyway, it DOES need to be removed since it just keeps getting bigger and more uncomfortable, but it will be a relatively easy, straightforward surgery instead of ...um. The opposite of that. With the whole risk of facial paralysis and stuff. So you'll probably only have to read about this stupid ear lump one or two more times, max.
So go ahead and breath a collective sigh of relief. You've earned it!