Decorative Gourd Season*
November 02, 2012
Okay, so. First, as required by LOOKIT MAH OFFSPRING law...uh, LOOKIT MAH OFFSPRING:
(Captions provided because yeah, those Jedis all look alike. [SO RACIST.] Noah was also mistaken for a ninja and two people thought Ezra was dressed as a monk.)
And as if all the Halloween craziness wasn't enough, what with the class parties and trick-or-treating and staying-up-late-to-eat-your-children's-candy-while-watching-American-Horror-Story-and-then-Poltergeist (because anything seems like a good idea after enough Kit-Kats)...I had to go chaperone a first-grade field trip to a pumpkin patch yesterday.
I am pretty sure, waaaay back when I signed the volunteer sheet, that I was wearing a tank top. The school sent a reminder to check the weather and dress children appropriately that morning, but I can say with confidence that 99% of us completely failed to do that. Kids showed up dressed for the mild weather we'd all experienced the night before, while trick-or-treating. T-shirts. Hoodies. Little girls in knee-length leggings. Not a single hat or mitten in the entire bunch.
It. Was. Freezing.
Even the adults were all pathetically underdressed. I prepared for muddy conditions, but not cold: rubber boots, spring trenchcoat, short sleeves underneath. Noah probably had the warmest coat out of everyone (because I couldn't find his other one, no points scored), but was wearing it over a t-shirt and again, no gloves or hat And even HE started complaining about the cold after an hour. Which means to a regular adult with no tolerance for "outside" and "nature" and "the slightest twinge of bodily discomfort," the weather felt like at least 30 degrees below zero. Sometimes it rained a little bit.
Me on the hayride. It has just dawned on me that we are all totally going to die, and I am contemplating a duck-and-roll and a mad dash back to the semi-heated school bus.
Yes, child. Smile through your chattering teeth! Use the festive gourd for warmth!
We ended the trip up on a goddamned HILL OF WIND AND HATE, so the children could go down some giant slides on burlap sacks. The teachers and chaperones huddled together and spoke wistfully of coffee and thermoses of soup.
The good news is that I was put in charge of four children (Noah and three little girls) and I did not lose a single one of them. (And oh hey are all first grade girls like, the most adorable things ever? I seriously almost stole a couple of them, and they would have LET ME, because "Noah's Mom" was the "best mom." DIRECT QUOTE, YOU GUYS.) Well, okay, technically I did kind of lose Noah for awhile, when he ran off and mingled in with another classroom and it took me a little bit to notice he was gone (HAYBALE MAZE, WTF).
But since he was my own kid I don't think that counts. I took damn good care of other people's children and shall be rewarding myself with a commemorative personalized CafePress mug shortly.
"Noah's Mom is the Best Mom." -- Youth of America, Pumpkin Patch 2012 Never Forget