This Official Everything Is Okay Alarm
Ode to Fall Back Day

Decorative Gourd Season*

Okay, so. First, as required by LOOKIT MAH OFFSPRING law...uh, LOOKIT MAH OFFSPRING:

IMG_8982 IMG_8983

Anakin Skywalker


Obi-Wan Kenobi

(Captions provided because yeah, those Jedis all look alike. [SO RACIST.] Noah was also mistaken for a ninja and two people thought Ezra was dressed as a monk.)


And of course, Baby Yoda, the pièce de résistance. Who was occasionally mis-identified as Shrek, but that's okay, because this poor kid had no idea what was going on.


Your customs baffle him, earthlings, but your candy is pretty friggin' delicious.




And as if all the Halloween craziness wasn't enough, what with the class parties and trick-or-treating and staying-up-late-to-eat-your-children's-candy-while-watching-American-Horror-Story-and-then-Poltergeist (because anything seems like a good idea after enough Kit-Kats)...I had to go chaperone a first-grade field trip to a pumpkin patch yesterday. 


Cozied up on the bus together, when this still all seemed like a good idea.

I am pretty sure, waaaay back when I signed the volunteer sheet, that I was wearing a tank top. The school sent a reminder to check the weather and dress children appropriately that morning, but I can say with confidence that 99% of us completely failed to do that. Kids showed up dressed for the mild weather we'd all experienced the night before, while trick-or-treating. T-shirts. Hoodies. Little girls in knee-length leggings. Not a single hat or mitten in the entire bunch.

It. Was. Freezing. 

Even the adults were all pathetically underdressed. I prepared for muddy conditions, but not cold: rubber boots, spring trenchcoat, short sleeves underneath. Noah probably had the warmest coat out of everyone (because I couldn't find his other one, no points scored), but was wearing it over a t-shirt and again, no gloves or hat And even HE started complaining about the cold after an hour. Which means to a regular adult with no tolerance for "outside" and "nature" and "the slightest twinge of bodily discomfort," the weather felt like at least 30 degrees below zero. Sometimes it rained a little bit.


Me on the hayride. It has just dawned on me that we are all totally going to die, and I am contemplating a duck-and-roll and a mad dash back to the semi-heated school bus.


Yes, child. Smile through your chattering teeth! Use the festive gourd for warmth!

We ended the trip up on a goddamned HILL OF WIND AND HATE, so the children could go down some giant slides on burlap sacks. The teachers and chaperones huddled together and spoke wistfully of coffee and thermoses of soup.

The good news is that I was put in charge of four children (Noah and three little girls) and I did not lose a single one of them. (And oh hey are all first grade girls like, the most adorable things ever? I seriously almost stole a couple of them, and they would have LET ME, because "Noah's Mom" was the "best mom." DIRECT QUOTE, YOU GUYS.) Well, okay, technically I did kind of lose Noah for awhile, when he ran off and mingled in with another classroom and it took me a little bit to notice he was gone (HAYBALE MAZE, WTF).

But since he was my own kid I don't think that counts. I took damn good care of other people's children and shall be rewarding myself with a commemorative personalized CafePress mug shortly. 

"Noah's Mom is the Best Mom." -- Youth of America, Pumpkin Patch 2012 Never Forget

*Fuck yeah motherfuckers



hahaha love it

Jess Z.

I love it! Best mom ever!!! From other children, no less. Isn't that we all actually dream about anyway? Being the cool mom?


It only counts as losing him if he ends up on a different school bus.

And my children questioned why I insisted on the warm jackets yesterday: VINDICATION!

Also, he's totally adorable but you knew that already.

Amy M.

Not much sympathy here on the weather issue, since my poor kids had to go trick-or-treating in winter coats, hats & mittens.

Good job on the chaperone task! It's always good to return with the same children you left with!


I think this is the first entry where I can REALLY see how much older Noah has gotten! Wow-- he's a 1st Grader!


Amy - you look gorgeous in the photo of you and Noah!


Aren't the girls the sweetest? Whenever I go into D's school at least one little girl shyly tells me "I like your hair." I should show up more often just for the ego boost.


I love the costumes! Themed! We went lord of the rings with our playgroup and I'm pretty sure my daughter was mistaken for a hobbit a couple times.

On the pumpkin patch, I'm afraid I don't get it. Your school visits the pumpkin patch AFTER Haloween? Is this an East Coast thing? Don't they need the pumpkin before Haloween so they can carve the jack-o-lanterns? My daughter's class went the first weekend of October... her pumpkin is a bit slimy now, but I wouldn't have known what to do with it had it arrived home yesterday.


Dem are sum cute offsprings u gotz there, and Baby Yoda is killing me! Our house is Star Wars Geek central, and when The Boy was seven, he informed me that I MUST choose a favorite Jedi. Ummm, how 'bout Yoda, dude? Imma change that now to Baby Yoda. (When it was announced that Disney had bought Lucas Films, and there will be a new Star Wars movie released in 2015, Grandpa Geek got in his car and drove two hours to our house to preside over the Geek Council meeting. Father, son, and grandson sat around the kitchen table for four hours discussing all things Star Wars. I'm surprised they're not camping out in front of the theater so they can be first in line when tickets go on sale. Pffft...amateurs.)


My three boys wore the exact same costumes. Right down to the adorable babbeh with the Yoda hat. Nerds unite!

Whitney Worthington

Awesome group costumes. I will have to remember that if I have that many children!


Oh my god, I totally just pulled a "lookit, mah offspring" post yesterday!

I love your blog, and no, of course that losing your own child doesn't count.


When my guests come over it’s gonna be like, BLAMMO! Check out my shellacked decorative vegetables, assholes. Guess what season it is—fucking fall.


Ohhhh Butler's Orchard forced fun! Did it a week ago and we still have dah sniffles. The things we do!

Suzy Q

I totally agree that you are the Best Mom!

Ike at that table looks like an HR Director who is about to fire someone for inappropriate behavior.

Call Me Jo

I love the costume pics - especially the ever patient Yoda pose Ike has going on. Adorable he is!


Obi-Wan totes beats Green Ninja Turtle. Ezra looks adorable. They all look adorable, even lil'Shrek.

Best mom didn't post her cotume, however ;)

Also, losing own child in haybale maze is not techniclally losing child as *everybody* is supposed to be lost, so...


You are so funny! Parents definitely don't get enough accolades for successful chaperoning of field trips. You rock!


the picture of baby yoda with his little fingers intertwined is absolutely hysterical.

shin ae

Congratulations on making Best Mom. Also, what a great post. I do not miss field trips AT ALL.


Congratulations on being THE BESTEST MOM EVAH! Wear your title with pride. I'm sure that comes with a check, too, right?


Not losing other people's kids is key to winning the Best Mom award. Well done. And those cute first grade girls? GROW UP and become pre-teen girls who most definitely are not the cutest things ever.


Oh man, I thought for sure at least Ike wouldn't be mistaken for someone else, but I can see the Shrek resemblance. Damn.

cynthia@talking to toddlers

Your posts are super funny! I love it when you mentioned LOOKIT MAH OFFSPRING but I honestly don't think it's a law. I think it's a syndrome every parent has. LOL


So cute! I remember back from my childhood when almost every Halloween was freezing and some involved snow. I don't think there was ever a Halloween that was warm enough that my mother would have allowed me to go without a jacket!


I love the baby's Yoda costume! My little one refused to even put his costume on...ripped off every piece before we even got out the door. Thank goodness all of the neighbors still thought he was cute enough for a few pieces of candy.


The photos look adorable!!!


Noah with the Yoda ears on his head. You've come a long way big guy!


Love it! I had charge of four three-year olds last week at the petting farm and it was unbelievably stressful. Don't forget the extra parenting points you get for the cold weather and for riding the bus.


I just gotta say, these star wars costumes, especially the yoda ones, are adorable!

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