Vegas, Sans Babies
November 19, 2012
I ran off to Vegas. I did not get married or remarried (though I did basically find the wedding chapel OF MAH DREAMS) or spend several days locked on a roof with a chain-smoking monkey. In fact, the biggest trouble I got myself into involved getting mildly scolded by a hotel employee for sneaking into the Microsoft SharePoint 2012 conference without a badge.
(Okay, I didn't sneak into the conference itself. I just sat in the developer's lounge and used the wifi for a few hours to edit and post conference-related blog posts.)
(I did steal a cup of conference coffee, though. Possibly two cups. I KNOW, RIGHT? Who am I and when did I become such a scofflaw? VEGAS, BABY.)
Let's see...other interesting things that happened in Vegas that will not stay in Vegas because what, like I have shame or a sense of propriety?
1) I won money! We're not big gamblers, but you can't go to Vegas and not put a few bucks into the weirdest branded slot machine you can find, especially one that is reaching soooo far to make any sort of sense in any sort of context, like...
MALTESE OF FORTUNE
MORE FUCKING BUFFALO
SEXY PROBLEMATIC EXOTICISM
I PICKED THE WRONG DAY TO QUIT READING THE FINE PRINT ON MY NAME & LIKENESS LICENSING AGREEMENT
In the end, I won about five hundred dollars on a Gone With the Wind video slot machine that I did not understand in the slightest, except that Scarlett showed up and was all, "OH ASHLEY" and then Ashley also showed up and then BAM. I won money. Then I won money again on something that I think involved the dress made out of curtains? Seriously, it was way confusing for a fucking slot machine.
2) I got a wig caught on my nose piercing during a male strip tease.
(I should probably just leave that story as-is, with no follow-up explanation, right? It's better that way.)
(We saw Absinthe at Ceasar's, which was very funny and absolutely fucking filthy. I was busy trying to take a picture of the large padded bra that had just landed in my lap when a wig hit me in the face. An employee was crouched in the aisle to collect the costumes and that's when we realized the wig was completely tangled around my nose ring. The guy in the aisle was like, "Um, I'll, um, be back once you've sorted that out yourself, okay?")
3) I was absolutely NO FUN at the Titanic exhibition. NO FUN. I'm with Robert Ballard on this one. Though touching the manmade iceberg in the exhibit and realizing how insanely cold the water was that night was very, very affecting. But then made me feel even grosser about having paid $32 a ticket to gawk at the victims' personal belongings and bunch of plates.
4) I was a LOT of fun, however, at Eli Roth's Goretorium.
At least for the actors, who clearly had me pegged as someone they could COMPLETELY PSYCHOLOGICALLY DESTROY over the course of a 20-minute haunted house. First there was the woman who cornered me and started whispering that Jason had walked ahead and left me there to die (WHICH WAS TRUE, SO TRUUUUE,) and then there was the giant dude in a bloody butcher's apron who started describing IN GREAT DETAIL what he was going to do to me while I shrieked and cowered and eventually crawled over a bed of bloody sheets and past some guy with an exposed brain in order to get away from him.
(In like, the least-dignified, dumbass girl-who-wore-stilettos-to-a-horror-movie fashion. Y'all would have so been rooting for my spectacular demise.)
"You know if you just keep walking they'll let you past," Jason said later. "It's not like they can touch you. They'll only gang up on you if you stop."
"EXACTLY," I said. "One of us got our money's worth in there. Let's do it again!"
So it was a fun couple of days, though I am pretty happy to be back in the land of container laws and my children, where there's hardly ANY chance of getting menaced by a serial killing zombie butcher and only about a 50% chance of somebody throwing their underwear at my face.