Amalah + Exercise = ErrorDoesNotCompute
December 21, 2012
(Greetings! This post is sponsored by pvBody.)
I am not much of a work-outer. I've had my moments of fitness dedication, but that's all they usually end up being: Moments.
Fleeting moments of Going! To! The Gym!...immediately followed by months and months of listlessly watching the membership fees auto-deduct from my bank account before working up the energy to cancel. (Usually by claiming that I was moving. Sometimes I would wait until I actually WAS moving, just to spare my squishy, out-of-shape self the trouble of coming up with a convincing lie.)
One time I got obsessed with Couch to 5K and stuck with it for...I don't know. Maybe until the 3K mark. The weather got hot, then the weather got cold, then I got bored with my running mix music choices and then there was a lot of good TV on, or something.
Yoga, pilates, kickboxing...all things I tried once or twice before losing interest. (Or, in the case of yoga, once or twice before managing to sprain an ass-cheek so hard I could barely walk for days, so like SCREW THAT, HIPPIES.)
But it's obvious now that this pattern cannot continue. I've had three children. I'm turning 35 in a few days. My job is so desk-bound that it doesn't even require the occasional walk down the hall to the printer or copier anymore — I just sliiiiide my chair two feet over to the left. I love to eat ALL THE THINGS, but since having Ike my metabolism has basically decided to go retire in Boca or something.
(All those pounds I tried so desperately to gain during the pregnancy? The pregnancy weight that I never actually put on thanks to all the months and months of vomiting? Yeah. I weigh more now than I did when I was carring a full-term baby inside my body.)
(As for the weight I lost during that insane juice fast thing, I managed to keep about half of the pounds off. For awhile. And then I went to Vegas and basically ate and drank the entire city under the table. Whoops.)
ANYWAY. All of this windup is basically me procrastinating on telling you my real secret shame:
Yep. Me and Billy Blanks. Kicking it 1990s style. Though I'm sad to report he no longer sports the blue spandex unitard.
I did Tae Bo back in the day when it was uber-popular — on VHS, yo — and you know, it really worked for me. Granted, I was in my very early 20s and 1) had zero children, 2) had my old metabolism, and 3) was too broke to buy enough food to overeat ANYWAY.
But still, I distinctly remember getting in really good shape from all the invisible speed-bagging and imaginary round-housing. And I also stuck with it for quite awhile, since I found it to be a pretty good stress releaser. I think I continued with it semi-regularly until our VCR broke and we bought ourselves a DVD player, or maybe until we moved to our third-floor condo and I realized that Tae Bo and hardwood floors and cranky downstairs neighbors didn't mix HEY I KNOW I'LL JUST JOIN A GYM INSTEAD.
(Cue the wah wah wah waaaaahhhh sound.)
So whatever. I'm done with the trendy workout fads that everybody else is doing and swearing by. You will never see me at CrossFit or running a marathon, because I'm at home, ungracefully punching the air and sweating and grunting and trying not to kick my toddler's head.
It may not be cool, but at least 1) I'm actually DOING SOMETHING, and 2) hey, it's not Sweatin' To The Oldies, though I'd never knock that one either, because my mom and I used to do that together when I was in junior high and I always thought it was pretty fun and oh my God you can get the complete collection for like, 30 bucks gotta go BRB.
This post is sponsored by pvBody, who offer awesome monthly boxes of designer fitness apparel customized to your style and favorite kind of workout. While Tae Bo wasn't an option on their style quiz, I absolutely LOVE the leggings and workout top they chose for me. Eat your heart out, Billy, I may be panting and wishing for death by minute 45 but I LOOK SUPER CUTE.
USE THIS LINK and get a $15 Lululemon gift card AND 25% off your first box when you sign up for a membership. New Year's resolutions, here we all come, with a little help of getting shiny new clothes every month to remind you to stick with your workout goals this time, AMY.