Thing #1: Why yes! I do love this so much I might marry it. Thank you!
Thing #2: He's inherited my favorite writerly colloquialisms.
Dear Mom and Dad,
I hop yall (ed. note: YA'LL! YES.) like this book. Yall proble be so prod of me (ed. note: DAMN SKIPPY). I love you.
Thing #3: Seriously, though, he wrote us a book.
Thing #4: All farms still have red barns, even when they actually don't.
It's nice to see that life has not shaken his belief in the big red barn.
Thing #5: This picture of our timbering tree.
Thing #6: VIOLENCE.
Thing #7: Trees on top of cars.
TREES ON TOP OF CARS. No big deal, Mom.
Thing #8: No detail is worth leaving out.
You are learning well, young blogger-san.
Thing #9: When your narrative drags, go with some hyperbolic exaggeration.
(We did not drive over a river. It was more like a slightly dramatic puddle.)
Thing #10: I...I did?
I think Dad might nitpick this version of events, as Mom is a useless asshole.
Thing #11: Seriously, I am coming off SO WELL here.
He left out the part where I got all annoyed at my children's useless decorating abilities and wanton ornament destruction and finally did the dramatic "JUST LET ME DO IT MYSELF" parenting win of the year move.
Thing #12: NERRRRRRRRD.
"My favorite ornament on the tree is the Frodo ornament."
Thing #13: Everything about this illustration.
The clasped stick arms! The dreamy dream bubble! The image of Santa delivering presents while possibly strapped to the electric chair!
Thing #14: "About the Author."
Thing #15: The secret bonus material on the back page.
"The alien zombies from the Black Lagoon showed up and stole all the presents. The end."