Deodorant Wars: Go Home Deodorants, You Are Drunk
March 14, 2013
MEANWHILE, ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE SINK:
"Listen, Samuel Adams Alpine Spring, we need to talk. Are the rumors true?
...or are you a deodorant?"
MEANWHILE, IN BETWEEN THE TWO SINKS:
"But I need you, Suave Invisible Solid! I need you and your extra-effective 24-hour protection! You are my everlasting sunshine! Nothing can keep us apart!"
MEANWHILE, ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE OTHER SINK:
"We know what's going on. We know and it stops now. You've changed, Suave. You used to be so simple and gimmick free and powder fresh and now you and your boyfriend and non-properly hyphenated and redundant promises ARE TEARING THE ENTIRE COMMUNITY APART."
"Listen, Suave. I am the BOSS OF YOU. I just took the word "Matterhorn" and decided it was a SCENT. Cuz BAM. I smell like ICE, WIND & FREEDOM. The mountain-forest-water tableau on my label looks suspiciously similar to that six-pack's over there and I will NOT STAND FOR IT."
"NOTHING ABOUT ME MAKES A GODDAMN LICK OF SENSE. WTF IS A WOLFTHORN AND WHY DOES MY LABEL LOOK LIKE AN ED HARDY T-SHIRT? I AM CONFUSED AND ANGRY AND APPARENTLY NOT SLEEPING VERY WELL."
"Oh yeah? I smell like ANARCHY. Bow down, all you nonsensical bitches. Check my ingredients; I bet I'm like 14% bath salts or something."
"Usually I'm the laid-back peacemaker around here but those Alpine Spring dickbags are straight up copping my roll. I'm Tom's of Motherfucking Maine Motherfucking Mountain Spring so you best step off. Sheeeee-it."
"I...uh...well, I didn't draw the little across line on the A in my name! That's pretty badass, right? There's an extraneous plus sign in my name? Right? God, I have no idea what I'm even doing here, honestly. Can't we just go bowling or something?"
"Holy shit, y'all. I think the men's deodorant industrial complex has lost its damn mind. We're not even remotely funny anymore, even though that one over there claims to smell like ooh la la lavender."
"STFU, Degree Expert Protection Motion Sense Motion Activated Freshness Sexy Intrigue Invisible Solid. You are nothing more than a goddamn tube of word salad now and everyone knows it. EVERYONE."
MEANWHILE, BACK IN BETWEEN THE TWO SINKS:
IT'S AN ICY FRESH SCENT DANCE-OFF, Y'ALL.
"No, Matterhorn! I looooove him! He wants to marry me! We're going to be together! We're going to have babies that smell like pine needles and have labels like sunshine!"
"So no one is gonna ask why there'a a six-pack of beer in the bathroom in the first place? How much pre-gaming does the bitch who lives here do, on average? Damn. I bet she's drunk right now."
*rabble rabble rabble rabble*
"NOOOOOOOOOO YOU KILLED HIM! ALPINE SPRING, COME BACK TO MEEEEEE!"
*hurls self to death*
Turns out "Ice, Wind & Freedom" smells mostly like "Generic Men's Deodorant v.122.2329.2," while "Wolfthorn" smells like "Orange Creamsicle Lip Smackers." On the other hand, "Anarchy" smells like "The Worst, Seriously, I Almost Literally Vomited Just Now Because It's That Overpoweringly Bad, Oh My God."
Tom's of Motherfucking Maine Motherfucking Mountain Spring and Certain-Dri smell like Unscented.
Degree Clinical+ Clean smells like my husband, because that's the only one of these he uses or probably will ever use. So, great. Anybody want a free tube Orange Creamsicle Lip Smackers-scented deodorant? It's fucking hella manly. Gots wolves on it, and shit.
Samuel Adams Alpine Spring tastes like a lager with some lemon juice added. Is just okay, but not bad, and will get you nicely tipsy especially if you day-drink it in the name of science blogging.