Drama With a Capital I-K-E
May 29, 2013
IKE enters from right. He is four days away from his second birthday.
MAMA stands uselessly to the left. IKE surveys her empty hands with disappointment; she has failed to read his mind and anticipate his every need once again.
IKE: Cawp? Zee? Cawp?
MAMA: Um. Wait. Do I know this one?
IKE crosses kitchen and points dramatically at cabinet where cups are kept.
MAMA: Cup! You're thirsty! Okay.
IKE bursts into hysterical tears over the agony of having his words understood.
MAMA: No! No cry! Look, I will get you a cup.
IKE interprets her words as "no cup" and shrieks with anguish because MAMA is a terrible cruel cup-withholding monster.
MAMA is confused. She once again offers the cup.
IKE: NO! NO NO NO!
IKE crosses his arms and stomps his foot.
(SCENE carries on like this for a few minutes until MAMA realizes IKE is simply demanding a different cup than the one in her hand.)
MAMA crosses to refrigerator.
IKE crosses over to HIGH CHAIR and gives it a kick for no apparent reason. His behavior causes MAMA to stop and stare at him, because seriously?
IKE realizes she has stopped closer to the refrigerator's water dispenser than the door handle and promptly has another meltdown.
IKE: NO WAWA! NO WAWA! JOOS!
MAMA: Oh my God. Child. Chill.
MAMA opens the refrigerator and pulls out both milk and juice, in hopes of giving IKE a sense of control in a world full of emotional beverage-related turmoil.
MAMA: Milk or juice?
IKE points to the milk.
MAMA puts juice back in the refrigerator.
IKE: NOOOOOO! Joos!
MAMA takes juice back out, returns milk.
IKE: (bursts into tears) NOOOOOOOOOOOO!
MAMA: (silently, to self) Lord. Have. Mercy.
MAMA: (to IKE) Miiiiiilk. Or. Jooooos.
IKE points to the milk.
MAMA puts juice back in the refrigerator; fills cup with milk.
IKE makes the thesaurus weep with exhaustion.
IKE lies down to kick and pound on the floor like the biggest cliché of a temper tantrum you have ever seen.
MAMA sets the cup of milk next to his head and backs away slowly.
IKE pushes the cup away and bangs his head against the floor with a defiant NO, then cries because that hurt. Because no shit that hurt.
MAMA leaves the room to go get her camera to document this over-the-top ridiculousness, because she's kind of an asshole but also she kind of earned this one, you know?
SCENE: EPILOGUE; KITCHEN; 15 SECONDS LATER
He was fine. He smiled at me and then we cuddled on the couch.
I think he was just really thirsty.