Cleanliness Is Next to Nerdiness

Danger Zone

(So as per usual, I managed to trip on mah high heels and fall face first into unexpected drama. I very honestly [ZING!] was completely unaware that there was any controversy and such strong feelings about The Honest Company until the comments started rolling in — yesterday's post was my third sponsored post with them, and each time I've been treated with nothing but the utmost respect/kindness/bloggeriffic freedom, and literally knew NOTHING about the other blogger's experiences or the trademark dispute. Because I live in a hobbit hole, apparently. Anyway, as my intentions are always to merely amuse, never offend, I sincerely apologize to everyone who was angered or disappointed by yesterday's post. The Honest Company posted an update on the situation on Facebook and asked me to encourage y'all to reach out to them directly at if you have any additional questions, comments or deep thoughts about things. So that is that. Can we still be friends?)


Yesterday afternoon I deployed my standard plan of action for OH CRAP THE INTERNET IS ANGERED-type situations: I backed away from the laptop in a panic and went outside to play with my children. 

It's usually quite therapeutic and perspective-building, but this outing was totally monopolized by my two-year-old's repeated attempts to murder himself. 

See, Noah was the sort of two-year-old who simply could not be bothered. I could set him down in a certain spot, scatter some complicated puzzle or building toy around him, and then leave the freaking room secure in the knowledge that he would still be in that spot when I returned. If you told him the stove was hot and knives were sharp he believed you, or just never particularly cared in the first place. He came preloaded with a natural distrust of things like stairs and wobbly furniture, which I of course took to be a testament to my amazeballs parenting skills that resulted in such a sensible toddler. 

Then Ezra was born and spent his early toddlerhood kamikaze-ing off various high surfaces, careening onto escalators and being That Kid who couldn't walk across the living room without falling and splitting his face open. He wasn't hellbent on his own destruction or anything; he was just...kinda klutzy, and liked to mimic his older brother and write checks his noodly limbs couldn't cash. My friend used to joke that our similar disaster-prone children had no fear and even less sense, but by the time Ezra was two he really did settle down and develop a healthy respect for his surroundings. (I'm guessing all those bloody faceplants had something to do with it.) At the very least, he's a kid who only has to touch the hot stove once. After that, he's good. 

And then there's Ike.


You know why my giant child is back to sitting in a high chair? Even though a few months ago I declared its usage obsolete? Because it is the only way we can make it through breakfast without him climbing up on the kitchen counter to conduct experiments with the toaster, that's why.

If I leave Ike alone in a room, he will figure out how to flood it. He will move furniture around and figure out how to climb on top of it. He will dig through a drawer and find a solitary book of matches that you had no idea was even there, and when you come back into the room he will be tearing the matches out, one by one, and trying to strike them. The fact that he'll be singing the Happy Birthday song will not make this scenario any less HOLY FUCKING SHIT.

The worst part with Ike, however, is not the "no fear" part. It's the fact that rather than having "even less sense," the kid is smart. Super smart. Because he knows. He knows he's not supposed to do any of those dangerous/destructive things. THAT'S WHY HE WAITS UNTIL YOU LEAVE THE ROOM TO DO THEM. DUH.

Yesterday, while I was watching Noah and Ezra hurl soccer balls at a tree in an attempt to retrieve a foam stomp rocket they'd launched into its branches, Ike decided to run into the street. I realized he had run out into the street because another mom from the neighborhood was there and was like, "Dude, Ike's in the street." We both bolted towards him, which was simply his cue to run faster.

I caught him and hauled him back to the curb and launched into my very best SAFETY/DANGEROUS speech. He observed me with the same bored, indifferent look he gives me when I'm shrieking at him from the driver's seat of the car to STOP UNBUCKLING YOUR CARSEAT OH MY GOD HOW DO YOU KNOW HOW TO DO THAT STAAAAHHHHPPP.

Then he wandered off to go collect some rocks. Two minutes later I was running after him again, arms flailing and flip-flops awkwardly flopping, as he frantically tried to stuff himself even further down a small, narrow drainage pipe. 

(He used to do this thing where, if I caught him holding something he shouldn't have, he would immediately hurl it to the ground the second he saw me coming for it. NOW YOU CAN'T TAKE IT FROM ME HA HA FOILED. Considering the "something he shouldn't have" was typically 1) breakable, 2) expensive, or 3) filled with liquid, I learned that I needed to approach him slowly, stealthily, like a ninja. But it's hard to remember that lesson when faced with the sight of your child possibly about to Baby Jessica it into a hole in the ground.)


Oh, Ike. I am keeping my eyes on you. Just please try not to hurt yourself every time I need to blink. 



Crying laughing because yes, my son too. He dropped a cat figurine on his head this morning because his brand new slippers have a foam sole and so he has an extra half cm height. Now he can reach the top bookshelf and pull shit on his head. Also. Why did we get fish again?!
I had no idea the internets was all angry - so yeah, mooching on past :)


Rejoice! If he survives childhood, he'll make a heck of an engineer. And make a lot of money.


I didn't used to dye my hair, but my second is just like Ike and now I haz ALL THE GRAY HAIR. But you gotta love them--life would be so dull without the Ikes of the world.

Julie Beth

Ohmahgoodness, I knew all about the controversy and could not care less that you continued your sponsored relationship, whether you knew or not. I didn't read the comments out of Fear of the Impassioned Internet, though.

My baby climbs from the dining room table to the kitchen sink (maybe I should move the table?) and turns on the water and plays with knives. I just want to go poop without her dying. I do not know how.


It's the angel hair. The Botticelli angel hair.


My 16-month old daughter is on her way to being just like Ike. Loves to climb on the furniture! Loves to disobey! Tries to run into the street! Eek. But she's really cute so it's totally ok.


Oh, Ike. These are the stories that make me realize that our first child has so unprepared us for a second.

Thank you for your gracious response re: Honest Company.

And it would take a lot more than one sponsored post I found irritating for you to lose me as a reader. :)


A little off topic, but what high chair do you have for Ike? Because it looks like it would be really easy to clean and has a smallish tray. Just curious.


He seems so innocent. ;)

By the way - I totally broke my pinky toe last night navigating my livingroom and thought of you!

Creepy, yes? ;)


I thought I was the only one with a diabolical two-year-old! Last week, mine waited until I was in the bathroom to haul a kitchen chair across the room, climb up on the counter, open the cabinet, take out a bottle of tums then scurry to his hidey-hole in the living room to stuff his cheeks full of them. why? Dunno. I didn't even know he knew the Tums existed.

(btw, I've heard of the Honest Company controversy but I didn't know it meant we're all supposed to hate them now.)

Melissa H

Oh I did wonder if the internets would be angry yesterday but couldn't be bothered to check the comments. I love Honest Toddler on Twitter so saw a wee bit of the controversy but eh, whatever.

About Ike, my son is the exact same age and the throwing-things-he-isn't-supposed-to-have reflex is so so annoying!


Apparently I live in a hobbit hole too, because I didn't know anything about the controversy either.

ANYWAY. Love hearing about Ike's antics. I am sure it is stressful to actually live through them, but they make for entertaining reading! :)


Kids, man. My 3 year old now tells me to close my eyes when she wants to do something she knows she is not allowed to do.


I have to ask, because it wasn't mentioned anywhere, whether using actual discipline with Ike, as opposed to trying to reason with him (a total waste of time with a two year old, has been attempted. Running into the street, and any other similarly dangerous activity, merits a good hard swat on the behind, not a discussion. Leaving the table during meal and other merits a time out. Ike is adorable, but you're in danger of raising a brat if you don't set limits.


I wonder if I'm the only one that got your Baby Jessica reference. So many memories for me-- I went to school with her Mom, she fell in on my birthday, and it was 100 miles from my hometown.


THAT sweet little face with THOSE angel curls? And THOSE apple cheeks?

Nah. He's perfect all the time.


So I went to the bathroom for two glorious minutes by myself, and I heard my 2 year old twins laughing and running - great they are playing together! Oh wait, when I came out the one was chasing the other with a knife (a butter knife) but still... oh boy.


My 3rd son too- smarter, more dangerous, and much more likely to get away with it, because I am either waaaaay more mellow, or just too tired to get riled up anymore.


Holy Sh*t! You just described my 16-month-old (third boy) in a nutshell. He regularly grabs condoms and lighters and pocket knives I didn't even know existed out of our nightstands; he drags his Y Bike to the doors and manages to both unlock them AND get the "childproofing" device unhinged; he climbs onto ledges and the dining room table and up our older sons' bunk bed ladder to the top bunk; and he tries DAILY to bolt to the street (thank God we live on a quiet cul de sac).

I took some time off of work with the addition of this kid, and being a full time trial lawyer is NOTHING in comparison to keeping this 19-pound-wee boy alive. SO exhausted I am!


Wow...didn't know about the whole thing with THC and HT, but I laughed out loud when I saw you titled this post after Archer's favorite phrase.


Haha...yeah. My first was a combo of Noah and Ezra. She mostly couldn't be bothered with climbing or running, but she was a bit klutzy with hitting her head on tables and falling off he couch. But my second is out to give me a heart attach. The other night, while my husband and I were finishing dinner and the kids were running around, I look into the kitchen and my 16 month old has climbed a bar stool and reaching onto the counter grabbing a knife from the knife block! What. The. Hell.


I was really pretty appalled by that post and I'm glad you didn't realize what scumbags they are. Now that you do, I hope you never do that again because as it is it's going to be a while before I can enjoy your posts again.


So my little (self)Destructo ran out of the deli tonight while I was ordering dinner. She stopped at the outside table, but so had my heart, so yeah. Big trouble.
But my favorite story was when she was just 15 or so months, not quite walking. I was chopping vegetables, and her big sister needed wiping help. So I go help her, and when I come back, the kid has pushed the kitchen tower across the room (didn't know she could do that,) climbed up into the tower (didn't know she could do that) and is now waving the 10inch chef's knife in the air, "Look at me! Look at me!" I get new gray hairs every time I think about it.


I have one kid, just about 26 months now. I can dump a couple of toddler puzzles on the floor and he won't budge until everything is put away; I'm free to shower, etc. I had assumed that was entirely due to my amazing parenting skills. Sounds like my one may be a one-and-only. Also, 'cause you might need to hear this, my love for you is unconditional, regardless of other controversies. Especially when you link to videos of Ike singing, which make me happy :-) You're the reason I cloth diaper, the reason I check food labels, the reason I take every day slowly with my toddler, and nothing will change that. Hugs!


I swear to you, this HAS to be a third child thing! My little daughter is the exact same way, as is my friend's son who is the same age.


Yes, of course we're still friends.

Especially because you have inspired me to be one and done, I think. My boy is cautious and sensible and it is all due to my awesome parenting skillz! (Or luck. Or a genetic predisposition to anxiety.)


OMG sometimes living overseas and therefore in a hobbit hole on the other side of the freakin planet rocks. Never heard of HT, and now that I've looked it up, don't care. Continue to let them pay you. That is my motto in life at the mo.


My third was the exact same way. He shaved more years off my life when he was two than all three of his brothers put together. I can count 5 separate instances when death was a very real possibility the year he was two. (and all 5 were because I blinked and he put himself in those situations) The good news? He's about to turn 15 and is still alive and has no permanent damage. The other good news? I think he is starting to settle down and now spends hours on his web design homework. (although he's failing his native language of English currently - so there's that.)


Think of it this way. When he's a teenager, all the guys will give Ike the weed to throw when the cops are in pursuit because they're all high as a giraffe's ass. Wait. Not helping, huh? Nevvamine.


I totally respect your choice to do business with Honest Co, I just choose not to, and that's what makes the world go around. =)

I love your blog & your stories about your kids remind me of mine when they were not teenagers (Wait, what? How could they be teens already?)

Cait B

I still love you :) Actually I ran over here to sign up for the week by week calendar becuase it looks like I finally managed to get knocked the hell up and I need someone qualified to boss me around via the internet.

who better for the job?


I knew nothing about the Honest controversy either! I feel your pain so much, my second/youngest child is exactly the same way. The running in the street is still happening at age 7!! When she was about 3, she decided to carve her name into my kitchen cabinets. She is smart, but obviously not smart enough to carve her sister's name. I used to think those kid leashes were cruel, but now I totally get why they were invented.


My 2-year-old is the same way. We live on a busy street and he's managed to get into it TWICE-- once on my husband's watch and once on mine. Our front door has a chain latch right at the top of the door that can lock the door from inside or from outside. I imagine it looks weird, but anything to keep him in!


When it comes to Internet controversy, I usually think of the xkcd comic "Duty Calls."

(Substitute any word of your choice for wrong.)

My oldest was like Ike...he survived, I survived, he turned into a really cool, laid-back person, and now he says me that he can't believe I didn't kill him and thank you. As he got older, I told him each kid gives their parents a certain amount of trouble and he had to be an exemplary teenager because he had used his all up!


Yes. This. I only have ONE child who is already killing it in the climbing/danger/omg i thought this room was safe for you where did you find that department. UGGG. Also, the throwing of things he's not supposed to have. Except mine does it with bonus crumpling to the floor in hysterics even if all I've done is round the corner and say "Hey". Kid I haven't even tried to take it yet!

Excellent Baby Jessica reference, btw. I had totally forgotten about that.

Felicity Marie

We are definitely friends still. I don't like the Honest Company (at all), but you seem like a grown-up capable of making your own decisions. :) People leaving mean comments? Let's put the constructive in constructive criticism. Just sayin'.

My first kiddo is just like Ike. Stealthy, and loves to find things in the kitchen. I'm in my twenties, and am up to five white hairs since I was pregnant. More to come, I'm sure.


I feel your pain, as both of my children were exactly like Ike. Some kids are just more adventurous than others. They both survived, but we definitely have a lot more gray hairs.

When my daughter was 2 my husband left her playing while he went to the bathroom. When he came back he found her sitting on the kitchen counter (she had pushed a chair over) holding a full coffee pot in her hands. He asked what she was doing and she sweetly replied "pouring you coffee daddy".


Melissa, I believe that is an IKEA Antilop high chair.

Amy, I love your blog!


This is why my 2nd ended up in preschool 30 hours a week. Only way to keep him alive.


oh man! that last have GOT TO BE KIDDING ME. he's just waiting for you to turn around! :)


I love you & I think you're a great mom. I also have a little tip. Repeat after me: Ike, if you go into the street when we go outside, we all have to go back inside. Consequences. If he's smart enough to misbehave when you're not watching, he's smart enough to understand natural consequences.

Rebecca Van Hout

Oh internet get over yourself already! Sigh, no issues with your parenting OR your sponsored posts. I too am graced with a "Danger boy" or "Runs with scissors" as we sometimes call him.Some boys just need to push the envelope. It is amazing they survive to be adult men but that is why they have parents :) No swatting needed!

Wacky Mommy

Ike is all, I'll sit here for awhile so you'll calm down, Ma.


So, perhaps you can use this to your advantage, because I too, had a toddler that liked to sneakily unbuckle her car seat...and then crawl to the back of the car WHERE I COULD NOT REACH GET BACK HERE C'MERE! So. I told my toddler, in very serious tones, that if you did not keep your seat belt on the POLICE would have to come talk to you. She didn't believe me. One of our neighbors is an officer and sure enough, the next time she unbuckled we drove straight to the station to visit him. Afterwards, She (wide-eyed) told me, "Momma, I always stay in my buckle!". We didn't have an issue after that. :) BWahahaha.


So, perhaps you can use this to your advantage, because I too, had a toddler that liked to sneakily unbuckle her car seat...and then crawl to the back of the car WHERE I COULD NOT REACH GET BACK HERE C'MERE! So. I told my toddler, in very serious tones, that if you did not keep your seat belt on the POLICE would have to come talk to you. She didn't believe me. One of our neighbors is an officer and sure enough, the next time she unbuckled we drove straight to the station to visit him. Afterwards, She (wide-eyed) told me, "Momma, I always stay in my buckle!". We didn't have an issue after that. :) BWahahaha.


P.S. What a shame about all those snit-fitters. They are missing out on some fabulous Amalah whit. I guess the rest of us shall just continue to enjoy reading. :)


Ike is what we would call a "Joey". It's only known as that thanks to my 3rd child..
That kid - I tell you...
There is no way to Joey-proof the house at all. WE had to NAIL his bedroom window shut when he was 3 because he was on the freaking roof, eating strawberries NAKED... So you have that to look forward to! On the plus side, he's the youngest boy are gymnastics studio has ever sent to competition (he placed 3rd in boys level 1 rings. He's 5). You can say you knew of him when :)


We have two girls. The older one is 4 and, as I know now, is your typical first child. Never climbed on anything, pretty much always accepted our explanations for why she couldn't have anything, etc.

The younger one is 18 months old and crazy. We have a split level house. The kitchen has some rails that separate it from the family room below. Yesterday, as I was making lunch, I looked over and saw that my daughter had pushed her body through the railings, turned herself around, and was now facing me as she was hanging off the railings. Oh my God! If I didn't have any gray hair before, it's growing now. Worst part? The mischievious grin.


This is a good argument for the backpack/leashes people use for kids (that others like to look down on). They're very useful for some kids during a particular phase.

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