Storches On Safari
Looks Like Ike

The Notebook (No Not That One)

So I was sitting in a work meeting this morning, scribbling notes on a very old notebook that is branded with a very old logo of a Giant Multinational Corporation's Website For Laaaaaadies that courted my blogging services, once upon a time. (I just checked and the site still exists, albeit with a different logo, so presumably they were able to find some bloggers who were willing to work in exchange for free notebooks.) 

Only about six pages of the notebook have anything written on them, which is about my going attention span for every notebook or journal I have ever owned. I dream dreamy dreams about keeping orderly household lists and a running log of post/column ideas...maybe even experimenting with some short stories or book ideas, until I get bored and hand-crampy and my handwriting devolves into the chicken scratch of a serial killer.

(Same with dayplanners. I'm completely over them by March. But then December rolls around and the siren call of calendars and tabbed pages and preprinted lines for my to-do lists proves irresistable once again.)

I paged through those six pages and was horrified to realize that oh my God, it's a blog post I wrote on a plane back in 2006. There's handwritten CAPS LOCK there, for Christ's sake. And. Sentences. Like. This. 

Next — and here's where my coworkers probably wondered if I ever dabbled in erotic fanfiction or something, because my face flushed beet red when I realized what I was reading — there are several pages of character descriptions and plot outlines for a book idea I had once. A terrible, no-good book idea, by the way. Just all kinds of trite and predictable. About a girl! A girl with a blog! Who blogs things and then you are reading those things and also about the girl and I dunno, hijinks or conflict or some shit.

(Note that I never actually finished the plot outline, so it was very Step 1: Decide to write book, Step 2: ????, Step 3: PROFIT.)

(Although, if I swapped the girl for a dog and the book for a TV script, I could've sold that, no problem. To the same parent company of the website that offered to pay me in notebooks! It's all so circular!)

(PERHAPS I'VE SAID TOO MUCH.)

I'm not entirely sure why reading those handwritten pages was so extraordinarily cringe-worthy. I mean, what the hell do I think my blog archives read like, after all? (Don't answer that.) (Also: DON'T READ THEM.) And it's not like I've really grown or learned anything here, because my first impulse was "hahahahaaaa I have to tell the Internet what a dumbass I was." 

The Internet: Oh honey, we already know. We've known for a long, long time. 

Amy: Okay. Then I now feel comfortable enough to tell you that after showing up to a meeting with a notebook full of demented, seven-year-old ramblings, a coworker commented on how tired I looked. At first I was like, gee, THANKS. But then I looked in the mirror and realized that while I'd remembered my foundation primer, I'd forgotten to put on my actual foundation. Or powder or concealer of any sort. I'd gotten distracted by the kids this morning and apparently just...kinda never completed a couple of important steps before getting in the car.

So actually, "tired" was an upgrade. As a seasoned professional writer, I would have gone with "exhausted." "Haggard." "A pale, porous oil slick." Or something like "Oh god kill it with fire." 

Anyway, that's been my day so far. All very clearly worth documenting for posterity and stuff. How's your day going? Are you wearing makeup? (Might want to go double-check.) Everybody remember their car keys? Pants? Awesome. High fives all around. 

Comments

golfinggrannie

Gave up make-up when I was about twenty. What you see is what you get. It's saved me a fortune! I'm thinking I might need it soon though - nearly 70!

Beckyc

Ugh. I put on moisturizer under my foundation, and I have to let it absorb before finishing my makeup. There have been a few times I've gotten distracted and just left the house without makeup. Those are the days I huddle behind my computer and talk to as few people as possible.

JulesInNC

I work at home, so makeup is SO not necessary. But now that my 2-year-old will occasionally sit and color with Dora on for 10 minutes while I get ready around the corner, I've started to at least slap on some BB cream and mascara in the mornings. But god help me if I actually HAD to get ready and leave the house on the daily, like I used to, pre-child. I think I would get the "gee, you like tired," (i.e. like SHIT) with some frequency.

SarahB

Yesterday I got all the way into the office and realized I'd left my work laptop (aka my work computer) at home. Whee! I got to see what my commute was like during real rush hour, as I normally flex my schedule to avoid that madness.

Karen

Yes, sadly, been there.
I think Tuesday of last week, actually.

Fun time...mornings with little lifeforms who want,"cereal, no...eggs, no...a pop tart...no, wait...I wanna waffle. Moommmm...I said, cereal!" *sigh*

Cara

Well that would be me this morning. Lotion, check. Primer, check. OMGI'MRUNNINGLATE! Use whatever powder is left on my brush from yesterday and grab mascara to bring to work to do in the bathroom.

On the topic of your archives though, please never erase them. I think I go back once a year and re-read a good chunk of them. I learn a lot about kids in general and get a good laugh too.

Natalie

My baby inevitably wants to eat while I'm putting on my makeup in the morning. I can never quite get through the eye pencil and mascara. I'm always asking my husband to make sure I don't leave for work without finishing my makeup. Please don't let me forget. DON'T LET ME FORGET!!!!!

Cait B

LMAO this is part of what stops me from seriously blogging, I do it for a week and then thing OMG WHY AM I SO DUMB!!! and am so embarrassed I delete everything. You inspire me to sack up on a daily basis lady :)

Deanna

There is something you put on before foundation? Isn't this counter-intuitive?

Cait B

ALSO - what I do is write myself lists in oil pencil on the mirror...as am pathetic and can't think far enough in advance to do all 10 things I have to every morning....

Andrea

I've been trying different...erm...LEVELS of makeup lately trying to counteract the tired look. Nothing is helping. And it makes me break out. Guess I'll have to actually get some sleep one of these days.
PS, I have forgotten deodorant on more than one occasion. Luckily there's a CVS right across from work...

Catherine

Twice in the last few months I have gotten out of the shower without rinsing out conditioner. Got half way through the shower and I guess was too caught up in the to-do list in my head (and kids wandering in and out of the bathroom) and just stepped out. Both times I realized it after leaving house for work/meetings. No time to run back in and rinse. Super attractive. Also, I routinely realize I have eye makeup on only one eye.

BeeBelle

I have also started notebooks full of trite backstory! But, given your guidance here, I think I will return to stealing underpants for profit. Let me know if you figure out step 2.

Heide

Pants first, then shoes.

rebecca

I really hate that show so I'm glad it wasn't you who wrote it and sold the idea (exc that then you'd be rich which would be good). Hate it with the white hot fire of a thousand suns hate it. Seriously. Stupid dog, stupid blog, stupid show.

Lisa Y

This morning I concluded a frantic search for MY NECKLACE! I LOST MY NECKLACE! by realizing that, yeah, it's on my neck.

Suzy

I just discovered your blog. Love it!

Although, I read it at work and I think my coworkers think I'm mental, but they are so not blog people and it's just pointless to try and explain why I'm laughing out loud while staring at a screen. They just don't get the internet. Like when I post a cheesy sparkly gif in our work chat of black kittens in a basket that says, Happy Friday the 13th. I'm not trying to be cute...anyways!! ;D

Lauren

I love the comments from the 2006 blog post you wrote. People are so weird (especially in comparison to this awesome comment)!

Susan

So timely because not long after I got to work and saw myself in the mirror, I realized I had forgotten the makeup. I blame parenthood.

Katie

Hey, I love your old writing! It was weird and funky (do people use that word anymore??) and it's why I keep sticking around - because despite LIFE happening, you still rock :-)))

Aimee

At 2 pm, after having the kind of morning for which I was congratulating myself for being unusually outgoing and actually meeting two entire new people, I realized I've spent all day wearing a misbuttoned cardigan. So I'm hoping those new people thought, "Hey, that woman who clearly forgot to look in a mirror today seems...interesting!" Yes?

lisa

Gah! Yesterday, I went out with my shirt inside out. All day. In the office. I only noticed when I was brushing my 2yo's teeth.

MargieK

At least once a week I put makeup on in the office restroom (just eyeliner, mascara, eyeshadow, blush, and lip gloss -- I don't use primer or foundation), usually on the days I swim laps at the pool before work. FWIW, I don't even have kids at home anymore.

SS+1

Pants - CHECK! Makeup - CHECK! Embarrassment from an overly awkward "work group lunch" where I guy I have a school-girl crush on attended - CHECK!

I'm right there with ya...winning.

SS+1

Also lack of proof-reading skillz prior to posting a comment - CHECK!

Barb

You make me laugh. Thank you. And I'm not sure any Mom is really ready for work until she has cheerios in her hair.

SarahP

I misspelled my own name. FAIL or something. WINE.

Anna

God, I hate when people tell me I look tired. It's just like saying, "You look like shit." Unless I've just yawned or something. Then it's acceptable.

MJ

Oh honey, we already know. We've known for a long, long time.

Brooke

I have two pairs of the same shoes in different colors, because when I find something I like, I stick with it. This morning while walking, I caught a fleeting glimpse of a foot and had the horrid sensation that I was wearing one brown shoe and one grey shoe. Nope, both grey. So the good news is I was wearing an actual pair of shoes. The bad news is I hallucinate.

kris

I hardly ever wear make up. When I try I never get finished before I have to leave. And, 1/2 the time I don't even have my hair blow dried all the way. Thank goodness I work with kids who don't give a hoot what you look like. Reminds me of the day a co worker came in with dots all over her face...she forgot to rub her foundation in. And, she had been out running an errand before work so people did in fact see her.

Thanks for the laugh today! From you and your commenters...I needed it. It's been an emotionally crappy afternoon (friends fighting the big C which is just.not.fair) and I'd like to get my kids to bed without a total melt down.

Maxine Dangerous

I go through phases where wearing makeup sounds like a great idea and I actually commit to it and feel pretty okay about how I look, but also spend too much time wondering if I blended well enough and if any of the myriad substances I smooshed onto/into my skin are wearing off. During one of these ALL THE COVER GIRL sprees, and on a morning of unbridled exhaustion for reasons I can no longer remember, I managed to apply makeup only to the top half of my face. I honestly have no idea what happened. I guess I started at my hairline, made it to my cheeks, and then got distracted by something shiny. I got to the office early and luckily encountered only one person, whose "WTF??" look encouraged me to head to the bathroom and investigate. Given that kind of experience, one might think I would give up on the whole shebang. One would be mistaken. ;)

Twice Five Miles

Forgot my makeup this morning too. Was wondering why the neighbors were looking at me funny when I walked the kid to the bus stop.

The sad part is, it took me several hours before I looked in a mirror and realized what had happened. Ah, vanity, where did you go?

Randy

I'd read the about the hijinks of a girl blogger.

Oh wait. I already do.

Brigette

Pants, check; makeup, check; car keys, check; TWO DIFFERENT COLORED SHOES CHECK CHECK CHECKITY CHECK.

Suzy Q

Reading that old post was like getting an extra bonus cherry on a sundae! I actually remember it, sort of, because it fairly accurately describes me as a traveler/airporter. The entire experience hives me out until I am on the plane.

Amanda

I keep mascara and a multi purpose blush & lip tint at work just for those sort of days. Of course on really bad days I forget I left them there. Sigh.

Shalie

I've only been a mother for 2 months so far, and I've already stopped looking in the mirror. I just forget to all day long, the evening rolls around, and I catch a glimpse of myself and...have I looked like THAT all day?!

Rory

Nice post and always waiting for your posts it is different and special from others.
Thanks

Leigh Ann

Pre-kids, anytime someone saw me without makeup, they told me I looked tired. Now 3 kids later, I think they just expect it.

Fad

Last week I went to work, with eye liner on one eye only! Everybody was checking their calender to see if Halloween didn't come early this year. To my defense, my 1.5mo old kept me awake all night.
But still...
PS: I love you blog

jill (mrschaos)

I may or may not have done my makeup in my office parking lot this morning. So, yeah.

Hillary

I just read that thing about your foundation and burst out laughing. Thanks for having such a great sense of humor and letting us laugh at your foibles! Also, that is a good reminder - I'd look pretty frightening with just the first layer of face paint on and I'd never considered the possibility of my brain slipping on that step in the morning. The more you know!

Jen

This post reminded me that I had never read everything in your archives (I do this when things are slow at work). Just started today and I'm up to March 2007. Also wanted to make sure you knew that the Queer Eye guys are going to be on Bravo's Watch What Happens live for a reunion sometime in October (date TBD). Had to share, and thanks for all of the laughs!!

Kati

We recently moved and I came across copious amounts of journals. I've never been a journaler but I write the starts of many next-great-ya-novel and have since I was still the target demographic for YA novels. I hide them from my family. Nothing is more embarrassing than the horrific ramblings of a 13-year-old wannabe romance writer.

Kate

I think someone might be a secret Redditorrrrr.

Arnebya

I foretold the look of tired to myself yesterday so I stayed in bed most of the day worrying if I looked tired because sense. I haz it all.

Shannon @nwaMotherlode

You made me spew Greek yogurt. Keyboard is now healthier, infused with blueberries and 9 whole grain granola.

Chris

My foundation primer is green, so I'm a bit... I don't even have words :D

Meg

Dog With a Blog is a stupid, horrible show, yet the kids like it for some reason.

The comments to this entry are closed.