This Is the Halloween That Never Ends

Free Horror Movie Ideas

Yes, Halloween is over, but now is the PERFECT time to get your next horror movie project greenlit* for an October 2014 release.** Here are some free*** plot ideas for you to use.

*Is it? I have no actual idea.

**Sounds a little ambitious. Maybe go read a book about movie-making at the library first.

***Free unless you make money off them. Then you need to pay me some of that money.


NARRATOR: In a world...where no one in your household wears size 4T pants anymore. A world where the simple act of folding laundry reveals a sinister infestation...the outgrown pants that you swear you've packed away already...resurface. 

MOM: (gazes at size tag, perplexed) Jesus Christ, how many pairs of 4T pants do we own?

NARRATOR: ...they return.

CHILD: (sobbing pitifully in early morning light) Moooooommmm these pants don't fiiiiiiitttt meeee.


(ominous close-up of washing machine)

(ominous-er close-up of plastic hand-me-down bin overflowing with pants)

NARRATOR: This fall, it's the closet turnover that never ends

MOM: Where's the bin? Honey! Where'd you put the 4T bin?? I found another pair of pants.

NARRATOR: This fall, get ready for the hand-me-downs...of HORROR.

DAD: I put the bin in the basment. On that back high shelf that you can't reach.

MOM: Goddammit. 


An unsuspecting family moves into a new house, full of hope and promise and gleamingly smooth hardwood floors. But at night, every night, something happens. LEGOs. Here and there, at first, usually right in the path to the bathroom. The dark grey ones that are particularly hard to see. One day the mother pulls out her wallet at the supermarket and dozens of LEGOs fall out. Her torture continues with visions of wall-to-wall LEGOs in the living room and she is subsequently involuntarily committed. In a quest to prove her sanity, she sets up night-vision video cameras around the house to prove that the LEGOs really have become sentient and are out for the blood of her family's feet. The madness escalates as it is revealed that the house was built on an old sacred LEGO factory and the minifigs are capable of much more fine-motor movement than previously believed. 


What starts out as pride and admiration for their young children's natural aptitude for smartphones and tablets takes a dark and sinister turn when parents realize the children are better at using them than they are. 

MOM: I just need to order some cat food..wait, where'd the Amazon app go? Joey? Do you know where the Amazon app went?

JOEY: Yes, Mother. I do.

ANOTHER MOM: (opens credit card statement) Oh my God! $419 in...magic seeds for a zombie farm? The hell? Sally? Do you know anything about this?

SALLY: Yes, Mother. I do.

By the time the townspeople realize what's happening, it is far, far too late. 

TERRIFIED MOM AT EMERGENCY TOWN MEETING: They've figured out in-app purchases! They're using parental controls against us!

ANOTHER FRIGHTENED PARENT: They set a password on my iPad and now it's disabled and the guy at the Genius Bar said I need to restore it to factory defaults to override it...but then he mysteriously died of a heart attack before he could tell me how to do that!


ARMY OF CREEPY CHILDREN: (a final shot reveals they are slowly closing ranks around the town; the glowing screens light up their vacant faces as they quietly hum the Angry Birds theme song)



The nightmare in my house is hotwheels. Those cars are out to break ankles!!
P.S. I think your number 2 is being haunted by 3....or 3 cloned itself and it's trying to take over your list!!!

Sandra Timmerman

I agree with Sheri, Hot wheels are appearing out of the blue everywhere..
Also marbles, marbles and marbles. The stairs are the most common place to find them. Because, mummy you know they make such wonderful sound (noise) when they bounce off the stairs? :-).

Jamie B.

I have been silent for lo these many years of reading your blog...but no longer. According to my LEGO-obsessed husband and our equally obsessed 5-year-old, the plural of LEGO is LEGO, not LEGOs. Wait...what? No one cares but them? Imagine that.

Regardless, LEGO or LEGOs or LEGOseses, they are all the hell over my house as well.


I could do pregnancy horror stories, though they would mostly be about me being terrorized by food at this point


Also stalkery question that you can feel free to avoid.

But...What's up with the smack down?? Am I like missing something? Did you switch days? Is it in a secret location? Have you abandoned me to my own devices like those whores Stacy and Clinton??

It wasn't up Friday or Monday, please tell me it's not gone forevers


Barbie shoes. And worse - Barbie CROWNS. Holy Hell those things are sharp. I did learn a very valuable lesson from the little tech wizard in our house (aged 7 at the time). I found an inappropriate dating game on our tablet and told her I was deleting it. She very sarcastically said, "Don't forget to uninstall it!" and I was QUITE appreciative - had no idea you needed to do that. Thanks, honey! And now you're grounded.

Maxine Dangerous

LOVE this, especially the house built on the sacred LEGO factory and Children of the Kindle. :D


I thought this part,
DAD: "...on the high shelf you can't reach."
was particularly brilliant writing. Love it!


You forgot the movie about Jaws...the revenge of Mom and/or Dad. You know the vaccuum that takes over the house and eats everything (circa Mr Mom?). Cuz I got one of those babies...and when the Lego/Legi/Legosis get too much Jaws comes out....and what Jaws gets Jaws keeps. Imagine little children wailing away pounding on the beater brush...GIVE THEM BACK GIVE THEM BACK. Jaws eye (big purple button) gleams sinisterly and moves onto the kitchen where the cats have decided it's WAY more fun to push food out of the bowl onto the floor. AND I'm sorry but cat kibble can BEAT legosisisis in a heartbeat. LMAO


You are brilliant. That is all.


Best. Column. Ever.


Little bit is only seven months so his toys are blissfully contained and put away each night. But due to my husband's enthusiasm for them I think LEGOs will also be my downfall.
Also, also not trying to be stalkery like Cait but Smackdown! My Friday and Monday have been slightly empty.


Re: That last one...have you, by any chance, seen the recent "murder porn" South Park episode? If not, you should...


I mean, clearly you have enough but just in case you are feeling the need to extend your horror stories into Christmas, you know they have an advent Lego calendar, right?


That last scenario sooooo reminds me of that creepy movie from the 50's that got remade later with Kirstie Allen. All the kids had white hair and were half alien babies or something. Super creepy!


I never comment, but I had to this time. This was HILARIOUS. I'm a librarian and was laughing out loud at the reference desk. I had to shush myself!

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