And I Was Like, Fine, You Can Stay Home But I'm Putting You To Work
He's Not Stubborn, He's Street Styling

Holiday Preparations, Amalah Style

We're hosting a fuller house than usual this year for Thanksgiving, which is Very Exciting for me because 1) more people mean an excuse to make more food, even though I already make 14 times more food than necessary every year but I REFUSE TO LEARN ANYTHING, and 2) more people staying overnight mean I am gaining entire blocks of hours that I now can spend offering those people things to eat.

"It's been 30 minutes since you last had some pie. Should I reheat some stuffing for you? How about a little turkey nightcap? Okay, fine. But I'm waking you up at 2 a.m. to feed you some yams. DEAL WITH IT."

*does happy gluttony dance*

In preparation, we went to Ikea on Saturday so I could obtain replacements for all the plates and wine glasses we've broken since last Thanksgiving, and also to procure some luxury items for our overnight guests. Like "pillows." And "a functional shower curtain." I know, right? So overboard. Just wait until you hear about the new factory-refurbished vacuum cleaner I ordered for the express purpose of vacuuming up dead spiders in the basement. I am the greatest hostess in the world. Now shut up and eat some cheese.

While we were in Ikea, I mentioned to Jason that it's truly a testament to how far our relationship has come and evolved over the years, because I can't even remember the last time we broke down and had an Ikea Fight. Everywhere around us, every time, there's at least one couple having an Ikea Fight — the rookies are doing it right out in the showroom, even though everybody knows you gotta save that shit until you hit the self-service area, because there's no sense fighting over what color end table to buy until you make it down to Aisle 30 Bin 46, where you'll find out that they're sold out of that end table in all of the colors ANYWAY, and one of you gets that crazy "I'M NOT LEAVING HERE WITHOUT AN END TABLE, ANY END TABLE, JUST GRAB AN END TABLE AND RUUUUUN" look in your eye while the other person's like, "I dunno, maybe we should just come back another time." And then you MURDER that other person with a patio umbrella. 

Jason and I no longer murder each other with patio umbrellas. Haven't done it in years! Instead, we generally head to self-service with two choices/options in the first place and then buy whichever one is actually there, because that is clearly the one the Ikea Gods want us to buy. And one does not question the Ikea Gods. Thank you for not having the BIRKELAND three-drawer dresser in white, Ikea Gods, even though that's the one we expressly came here to purchase. I'm sure the white and gray NYVOLL we bought instead will be fine. Or at least look somewhat not-terrible for a couple years months until it falls apart and we once again return to Ikea for our annual sacrifice of sanity in pursuit of Not Having To Make Real Commitments To Real Furniture. Blessed be! 

If you happened to be at Ikea this Saturday, you may remember me as the mom who was merrily spinning her 8-year-old around in a display LÖMSK swivel chair and who got a little too into it and spun him so hard that the chair 1) fell over and 2) skidded three feet across the showroom floor with her child still encased in its cocoon-y hood. You may remember me because I did this in front of no less than 200 other people, I swear, all of whom gasped and probably wrote about it on Facebook.

Anyway, I'm sorry about that, Noah. But I just believe it's best to teach children about the dual wonderfulness/horribleness of Ikea at a young age. That chair seems awesome, but then you get it home and it's missing two GWORKLAKS and one HODORGOF and you're like, I don't know, man, I feel like maybe we should have gotten the SVINGA instead; I know! Let's go back to Ikea this weekend and look at some shelves.   



I saw you at IKEA! I would totally have come and said hi, but my children were waiting at the ice-creams so I had to go through the checkout and then they ran away down the flat escalator and anyway I came over all funny because it was so cool seeing the boys (fleetingly; not a stalker) in 3D like that.


Nearest IKEA is a 8 hour drive from here, so don't get there often. We have done the IKEA fight too when we have gone to pick up whatever we thought we wanted. Still resting my head on some couch cushions we bought last time we made it in, and still have all the cute cocktail glasses we got then too. IKEA rules!!

PS - have had really really bad service with the catalogue/shipping service - don't even get me started. We are "in-store" IKEA people.


Dang it! I actually live in the DC area, and missed my change to feel all smug and self-riteousy about my own meager parenting skills. (I once hit my daughter in the face with a ball at Ikea. Yep.)


I also saw you at Ikea. But not by the swivel chairs, so I missed that. I first noticed you and thought, "hmm, is that her? I know she comes here a lot." And then I saw the back of Baby Ike's head and I was like "Holy cats the pictures on the blog do not do that boy's hair justice."

Would have come and said hi, but I'm shy. And given that you were near check-out and therefore had been at Ikea for some time, thought maybe the last thing you wanted at the end of an Ikea day was a fan meet-and-greet.


I live in California, so I most definitely did
NOT see you at Ikea. ;) however, I just came by to say HODOR!


Ikea fights. They are a real thing. I have to say though, we graduated and I'm not sure at what point it happened. We were just at Ikea a few weeks ago and just a mere 2 hours later walked out without having one. Hooray Ikea!


I did not see you at IKEA. Becuase I have not entered that place since 2005. It is evil. I hate that place with a passion; it's like one big anxiety attack waiting to happen.


As funny as the post is, the comments are classic DC. Waaaahhh, I miss running into random people I know from the interwebz and one of the three IKEAS in the area.

You know, the three that you will drive to all in the same day because you picked out a bedroom set dammit, and you need ONE nightstand to complete the black and faux cherry finish.

But wait, the As Is has a high chest of drawers that wasn't on the showroom floor in As Is-honey, do we want this, too?

And that, my friends, is how 16 years later, the only things left from the bedroom set is the stupid nightstands and high chest of drawers.


Ah, IKEA fighting. So many memories!

We now research ahead of time, go check out options, EAT, discuss further if necessary, then go get our self-service items. It's the eating that saves me, the Hangry One, and it's the planning ahead that saves my husband, the Ooh, Shiny, Let's Look at Everything One...because browsing just doesn't work with a Hangry Wife.


advanced ikea shopping tip: use the website to check availability of items before going. also they will tell you where in the warehouse to go so you don't have to walk through the maze of shiny amazing disposable things... :)


No IKEA fights for this girl - I never take my husband. I only go when he's out of town. I do take my 8 year old who is still short enough for the free hour of childcare at Smaaland ;).


Ha! Ikea fight. I thought we invented that.

Finally, after 17 years of marriage we not longer have them, but we had a doozie when we were dating. So bad I stormed out of the store leaving the then-boyfriend to find his way out of the store. Sadly, I got the parking I realized he drove and I had to cool my heels and wait for him to show up.



Have you seen the Ikea app? You can plug in what you want and it tells you what's in stock. You wouldn't even have to wait to get to the self serve area because the app would tell you you're SOL.

French Kate

Ahahaha! Just read this out loud to my husband, who also guffawed with laughter.

On an international note, French couples behave in just the same way. Lack of GWORKLAKS breaks down all religious/cultural/linguistic divides : )


This may be TMI, but I don't care because the internet is semi-anonymous and it's too funny not to share.

About a month ago, we went to Ikea to finally (FINALLY!) get the baby furniture we'd picked out. My nesting self was SO EXCITED. Earlier in the day, I developed a small hemorrhoid, but figured it was nothing major and went ahead with our plans to visit the Ikea (about 60 mins away).

Halfway through our shopping trip, my small hemorrhoid became multiple NOT SMALL and EXCRUCIATING hemorrhoids. We tried to hurry through the trip, but when my husband went back to get a pad to put underneath the new rug we'd bought, I just LOST IT and started crying. A really nice man came over and asked if he could help me with the huge rolled up rug that had fallen over by my cart, and I snapped, "Sure. Fine. WHATEVER!"

I'm sure everyone thought we were having an Ikea fight--but no, I was just in abject misery, and looking particularly pathetic sobbing at 6+ months pregnant.


Suzy Q

I am an Ikea Virgin. Perhaps the last one. I refuse to be sacrified in a v-word. (Yes, I thought of your delicate sensibilities and did not actually write the v-word.)

There is an Ikea a out 40-ish miles away. Never been there. BUT, one is being built 10-ish miles away, and it is at that store where my Ikea cherry shall be popped. I believe that POP shall be heard 'round the world!

Also, I would love to have you force-feed me delicious Thanksgiving foods.

Liz Tea Bee

I firmly believe that every engaged couple should be forced to buy furniture at IKEA and then assemble it as a couple. It's character building.

Proximity to IKEA is one of the few things I miss about living in MoCo. (This is more a comment how much I love where I live now than on Maryland.)


When we go to IKEA, we can't help saying over and over again DIE DIE FUCKING DRAWER I HATE SO MUCH.

Thank you for that. :)


I really really wanted an Antilop and it was even ON SALE for less than 10 dollars...

... so I conned my mother in law into going to IKEA to pick one up for me. Muahahahahaha!!!!!!

Jill UK

Good to hear the IKEA fights happen across the world. Here in the UK, I believe navigating around IKEA is now part of the citizen test.

I loved the comment about checking online for a availability first. Hahahahahahahah.

Still, we love our TRONES (now every bin is called that in our house) which, while originally meant to be shoe cabinets, are fantastic recycling bins.


The first time I heard my now-husband curse, he was assembling an IKEA bookshelf. Ah, the memories...


Police responding to reports of banging, screaming and crying at an apartment in Sweden instead found... a couple trying to assemble Ikea furniture.

Rainbow Motel

Don't be shocked, but I have never been to IKEA.


I was at the same IKEA *last* Saturday and I hauled my two small childrens and husband (all cranky) inside for one single stupid item (child's lamp) only to find that they no longer carry any lamps of that kind even though they've had them since 2008, WHY IKEA, WHY. So I bought a PRICKIG (snort) to justify the trip up from NoVA to myself.



Smarter, easier solution
Why ,as moms, don't we ever see those In The Moment??


I just mentioned to my husband that for once we did not fight going to/or at his mother's house with our baby in tow. We now are THAT couple that looks like they have it together and win at life.

PS. Back when we did fight my weapon of choice would be the bottle cleaning brush. HATE PUMPING. I think they have those at IKEA. ;)


Happy Holidays!!!
JingleBells Jinglebells

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