Things My Mother Did That Were Terrible
November 11, 2013
A special guest post by His Royal Inherent Ikeness, Esq.
I don't usually accept guest posts on this blog, but after requesting an explanation from Ike for this morning's epic, 75-minute-long sobbing ragefest, I was presented with the following list of my crimes. In the interest of fairness, I have agreed to publish it in full.
1. You walked in my room and asked if I wanted to get up. I said no.
2. You started to walk away.
3. HEY I'M AWAKE HERE MOM.
4. You took off my pajamas. Air! Air on my body! Everywhere is air!
5. You put my pajamas in the hamper. Jamas! My love! Come back!
6. Also in the hamper: The green shirt I wore yesterday. I indicated my desire to wear it again.
7. You informed me that I could not, as I spilled spaghetti sauce on it.
8. You changed my diaper while acting like the shirt issue was solved, which it totally wasn't.
9. I DON'T CARE ABOUT SPAGHETTI SAUCE STAINS, BTW. I WOULD LIKE TO MAKE THAT DOUBLY CLEAR.
10. You chose a red shirt with buttons from my closet. I did not want to wear a red shirt with buttons.
11. SERIOUSLY. NOW I STRAIGHT UP LOOK LIKE A JAR OF SPAGHETTI SAUCE. YOU ARE NOT MAKING ANY SENSE HERE.
12. You put on my shoes without putting on my socks.
13. You removed my shoes and put on my socks, per my request, but I just felt like the whole sock moment had kinda past.
14. You made me sit in my high chair, like you do every single morning, even though this TOTALLY felt like a Let's Eat Breakfast On The Floor kind of morning.
15. You put Cheerios on the tray instead of in a bowl. How am I supposed to efficiently hurl them all on the floor now?
16. You gave everybody a banana but I was the last person to get a banana so for like four seconds there I thought I wasn't getting a banana.
17. You didn't cut the banana like I wanted.
18. You cut the banana like I wanted.
19. You told me we didn't have any regular milk left but that I could have a milk box, and then you just gave me the milk box instead of pouring it into a cup.
20. 10 minutes later you poured the milk into a cup, but then you took the empty milk box away from me and put it in the trash.
21. I still can't believe I'm sitting here in a red shirt with buttons being expected to eat a cut-up banana.
22. You retrieved the empty milk box out of the trash at my request and gave it back to me.
23. IT'S EMPTY! YOU MONSTER!
24. You took me out of the high chair because I asked you.
25. You tried to give me a hug and tell me that everything was gonna be all right.
26. NO MY CHAIR MY CHAIR MY CHAIR
27. You put me back in the high chair.
28. You ignored me.
29. You left the room.
30. You did not immediately respond to my piteous howls of MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY.
31. You did not immediately rescue my arm, which I'd pulled inside the sleeve of my stupid red shirt and could not get back into the sleeve.
32. You took a picture of my misery and let my brother pose next to me like I was some kind of World's Screamiest Baby roadside tourist attraction.
33. After only 10 warnings that it was almost time to go, you announced that it was time to go.
34. MY BANANA NOOOOOO I LOVE ITTTT.
35. You made me put on a coat and cover up my totally awesome red shirt that I love.
36. You would not let me put loose Cheerios in my coat pockets.
37. You put me in the car and...
40. I forget. What were we talking about again?