His Inherent Ikeness
A Hot (& Cold) Mess

Things My Mother Did That Were Terrible

A special guest post by His Royal Inherent Ikeness, Esq.

I don't usually accept guest posts on this blog, but after requesting an explanation from Ike for this morning's epic, 75-minute-long sobbing ragefest, I was presented with the following list of my crimes. In the interest of fairness, I have agreed to publish it in full. 

1. You walked in my room and asked if I wanted to get up. I said no. 

2. You started to walk away.

3. HEY I'M AWAKE HERE MOM.

4. You took off my pajamas. Air! Air on my body! Everywhere is air!

5. You put my pajamas in the hamper. Jamas! My love! Come back!

6. Also in the hamper: The green shirt I wore yesterday. I indicated my desire to wear it again.

7. You informed me that I could not, as I spilled spaghetti sauce on it.

8. You changed my diaper while acting like the shirt issue was solved, which it totally wasn't.  

9. I DON'T CARE ABOUT SPAGHETTI SAUCE STAINS, BTW. I WOULD LIKE TO MAKE THAT DOUBLY CLEAR.

10. You chose a red shirt with buttons from my closet. I did not want to wear a red shirt with buttons. 

11. SERIOUSLY. NOW I STRAIGHT UP LOOK LIKE A JAR OF SPAGHETTI SAUCE. YOU ARE NOT MAKING ANY SENSE HERE. 

12. You put on my shoes without putting on my socks.

13. You removed my shoes and put on my socks, per my request, but I just felt like the whole sock moment had kinda past.

14. You made me sit in my high chair, like you do every single morning, even though this TOTALLY felt like a Let's Eat Breakfast On The Floor kind of morning.

15. You put Cheerios on the tray instead of in a bowl. How am I supposed to efficiently hurl them all on the floor now?

16. You gave everybody a banana but I was the last person to get a banana so for like four seconds there I thought I wasn't getting a banana.

17. You didn't cut the banana like I wanted.

18. You cut the banana like I wanted.

19. You told me we didn't have any regular milk left but that I could have a milk box, and then you just gave me the milk box instead of pouring it into a cup.

20. 10 minutes later you poured the milk into a cup, but then you took the empty milk box away from me and put it in the trash.

21. I still can't believe I'm sitting here in a red shirt with buttons being expected to eat a cut-up banana.

22. You retrieved the empty milk box out of the trash at my request and gave it back to me.

23. IT'S EMPTY! YOU MONSTER!

24. You took me out of the high chair because I asked you.

25. You tried to give me a hug and tell me that everything was gonna be all right.

26. NO MY CHAIR MY CHAIR MY CHAIR

27. You put me back in the high chair.

28. You ignored me.

29. You left the room.

30. You did not immediately respond to my piteous howls of MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY.

31. You did not immediately rescue my arm, which I'd pulled inside the sleeve of my stupid red shirt and could not get back into the sleeve.

32. You took a picture of my misery and let my brother pose next to me like I was some kind of World's Screamiest Baby roadside tourist attraction. 

Photo (59)

33. After only 10 warnings that it was almost time to go, you announced that it was time to go.

34. MY BANANA NOOOOOO I LOVE ITTTT.

35. You made me put on a coat and cover up my totally awesome red shirt that I love. 

36. You would not let me put loose Cheerios in my coat pockets.

37. You put me in the car and...

38. ...and...

39. ?

40. I forget. What were we talking about again? 

Comments

AlisonC

Bwahaha. This is genius.
Poor Ike your mom was such a monster to you this morning!

jgottlieb

Your posts are hilarious and heart warming ...thanks for the smiles

liz

He totally has a point there. I don't know what it is, but he has it.

Gina

You have absolutely summed up what it is to be the mother of a toddler in 40 simple steps.

Thank you for this.

souphead

Amy, if you tell Avery to stop acting like a lunatic (read: 2 year old), I will tell Ike to stop acting like a lunatic. It'll totally work because 2-year-olds listen to adults who are not their own parents all the time.

Mel

SO remember this age a nod can't wait to face it again soon - not. Also, please tell me that red shirt has elbow patches! Must. Squeeze. Baby.

Serena

Love it. Although in the moment I know it is the worst thing ever when your toddler's logic button not only turns off but somehow ceases to exist entirely.

Annie

I think my daughter could have written this today!

Kat

I love this post. LOVE IT. And something much like this occurred in our house pretty recently, except it all went down at a birthday party. Because OF COURSE IT DID.

MrsMorty

This right here: MY LIFE.

Laura

Tears. TEARS. Only b/c you so totally articulated exactly what my 2yo says as well....I envision a series....thanks for helping me not feel like I'm the only one with an oftentimes crazy child.

Rachel

You and your kids are awesome. That is all. =)

Marcia

Give @wefoughtabout a look when you've got a few spare moments. Even more hilarious because it's created by two adults who are in a relationship.

Stephanie

My ragey 20 month old is just.like.this.

Awesome guest post.

Suzy Q

You are clearly the WORST MOM EVERRRRR. Also, that pic is hilarious.

Kelly

Sometimes when this happens I lose control and start giggling madly at the absurdity that is this situation. Like full-on belly laughter.
That makes them madder, by the way.

RzDrms

# 11 made me spit out my gum.

While Noah will likely always be my Favorite Internet Blogger's Child, Ike will likely always be my Favorite Guest Poster.

Now you totally have to do Ike's Guest Posts weekly. kthxbi.

StatMom

You! You MONSTER!!!

Love it.

Cait

BWHAHAHAHAHA!

Also you should totally submit that pic of Ike to "Reasons my son is crying"

Twice Five Miles

Ohh..... I have no words for how much I love this.

Lindsay

LOL. I need more like this to really show me that my 2 year old is not the world's craziest one. Loved it all but #31 killed me.

Leah

So, so true. My four year old does this s*** more than my two year old.

Brigette

OH THE HUMANITY!

Mary

Laughing so hard, remember those days so well.

In sympathy......

Leigh Ann

And they say we will miss those days.

Wait. I totally miss those days, and mine aren't far out of those days.

Moira

Yes. All of this. My 29-month old ball of terror has been similar lately. Thank you for this.

Corinne

So Ike and my 2.5 year old are apparently on the same wavelength regarding taking off pajamas, air on skin, eating on the floor, I hate the banana except when you take it away, and the horror of having to leave the house even after repeated warnings. I offer you internet wine and yummy cheese.

Meredith

Corrine - I misread your comment as ". . . my 25 year old" (because they can be illogical too!) and LOLed :-)

autumn

This morning my daughter did the "girl" version of this. I asked if she wanted pants or a dress. She said "JEEEEANS!" I got out JEEEEANS, then she said NO JEEEEANS and took of running and crying around the house holding the jeans in her onesie. Came sobbing back to her dresser, asked for a dress, and picked out a shirt.

Thank the Good LORD it was a day care day!

Fad

Hilarious!! Thank you for the laugh :)

Korinthia Klein

Best guest post ever.

Arnebya

Like Meredith, Corinne, I read 25 year old AND I HOWLED. Oh, Ike. How I love thee toddlerness. Let me count the ways (the ways include bananas cut correctly the first time).

sheilah

You are a horrible, horrible monster.

(Love the blogger's knee-jerk reaction...don't comfort the child, get the camera...)

Amy

Were you filming our house this morning? Because oh dear god, mommy was the meanest mommy ever...except when daddy helped out, then bring back mommy! right now!

Della

Those days. I freaking hate those days, because one part of me knows that there is something UP, dude, like teeth or barometric-pressure-headaches or whatever, and so that part of me feels all mothery and sympathetic and patient. And then there's the rest of me, that has to deal with it, and is in the moon ticket purchase line. "One-way, please."

Karen

When M gets like this (which is virtually every day) we have been sending the 7 year-old in to handle him. For some reason, the 7 year-old can become the baby-whisperer in certain situations. Other times, they beat each other with pool noodles and sling legos but you know. Whatever.

Chris

I have a two year old just a couple months behind Ike so this was the most relevant I've read in at least a month! Amazing!! (I also as a copyeditor I feel I must tell you in hopefully a super not-asshole-y way that on #13 you meant "passed" not "past." If you're like me that one is totally a pet peeve when done by people who DONT KNOW THERE IS A DIFFERENCE GAH.)

Chris

So of course there was a typo in my comment. OF COURSE. :)

Denice Johnson

motherhood explained.

Stephanie

:::slow clap:::

Sky

#16 happens in my house every day. every. day. sigh.

nann

Hmm, my 7 year old flees the scene when his 2 year old sister does thi. Time to make him pull his weight.

Kendall

I deal with this every day, multiple times. Mine is almost 4. I'm assured by many that it will get better. While I am waiting, I will be drunk. Very very drunk.

beekeebear

Yes. THIS. Toddlerhood defined.

Sarahviz

Best numbered list EVARRRRR!!!

Jackie

This is totally my son Cooper. Also two, also without the logic.

Mary

Yes! #34. My 16mo always announces "donnnnne" then freaks out and lunges at the food as the tray is being removed because OMG noooo I love it!!! :) ;)

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