Merry Belated Christmas. Here's a Crappy Numbered Listicle Post.
New Year, New Smile, Same Idiot

Holiday Portraits of Incompetence

Good news! I finally found the "real" camera. Bad news! Almost every photo I took with it is terrible.

Which means good news for you, the easily-amused people of the Internet, because you get to point and laugh at my pathetic photography skills. And perhaps learn some lessons! Because that's what this blog is all about, right? The lessons, and the learning. Let's hold hands. Sorry mine are so alarmingly sweaty.

LESSON #1: Maybe move the overflowing hamper full of cloth diapers out of frame. 

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(In my defense, they were clean, having been washed in the last gasp of hot water we had before the water heater went.)

(Oh, and remember how the plumber warned us the new thermostat would probably "only buy us a year" before other parts started failing? Yeah. Try THIRTY-SIX FREAKING HOURS. Our water heater is a prodigy. At sucking.)

LESSON #2: Find a photography prompt other than "hold up your toy for a picture, sweetie."

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(In other words, I have approximately four dozen extreme close-ups of various toys with the mostly-obscured faces of my children behind them.)

LESSON #3: Take multiple pictures of the same moment to ensure that no boy-child is adjusting their crotch or scratching their butt in the background.

[EXAMPLES REDACTED FOR DECENCY, DIGNITY, ET AL]

LESSON #4: Try to get the camera focused on your subject BEFORE they break out into the greatest present-opening face of joy you've ever seen in your entire life, because otherwise...

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(OH COME ON.)

(Not that it would have mattered that much, because...)

LESSON #5: If you give a toddler chocolate in his stocking, he will shove all of it in his mouth within 15 seconds and will thus look like he's got a mouth full of chewing tobacco in all subsequent photographs. 

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(Quick non-photography lesson, by the way: Toddlers are the easiest people to shop for on earth. I took Ike with me to Target a few weeks ago to 1) potentially have my credit card number compromised, you know, for kicks, and 2) procure Ezra's gift [some Ninja Turtle truck-thing that shoots plastic manhole covers directly under the couch at high speed]. He came across this stuffed robot toy and lost his damn mind over it. I let him hold it throughout the shopping trip, paid for it right in front of him, then brought it home and shoved it in a closet. And then lo, Christmas morning came and it was the literal second coming of the precious hallowed stuffed robot toy omg omg omg.)

LESSON #6: The chocolate mouth will soon give way to drool and a perma-wet neckline that will be too much trouble to edit out.

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LESSON #7: Be sure to get lots of photographs of the new LEGO sets because OH LOOK IT'S MORE LEGO SETS THAT SURE IS SOMETHING CRAZY UNUSUAL, HOO BOY. BETTER MARK THIS OCCASION WITH PERMANENT INK. 

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(Two sets from Santa, four more from various friends/family, all told. He's already finished building all of them. Good thing the LEGO Movie is opening next month! I mean, I wouldn't want to deny the good people at LEGO their usual chunk of all of our money, or anything.)

LESSON #8: Maybe turn off the flash, or something?

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LESSON #9: 5-year-olds can usually be counted on to give good face.

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(Not exactly thrilled and/or all-of-my-holiday-dreams-are-coming-true face, but still. That's some nice Blue Steel there, Ezra!)

LESSON #10: Take exactly zero photos of yourself, as they would only serve to memorialize this year as "The Christmas The Water Heater Broke & Nobody Could Take A Shower."

(NAILED IT.)

Comments

cassie

I *LOVE* buying gifts for my kid with him right there! Sadly, as he just turned 4, I think this is the last year I can get away with that. :(

Laurie

If you're looking for the rest of the Legos they're at my house. I lost count of how many sets my son got but I can tell you the Golden Warrior left his Golden Temple and usurped the Chi Lion Temple. The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles joined him and Lord Garmadon was sent off with Splinter in search of food for the party.

Claire

Cry laughing! Thank you :) we have virtually no photos of this Christmas - even though it was baby girls first. Toddler turned 2 on the 23rd (I advice smackdowned you about my midwife freak out over 2 years ago now! Crazy) and so was so over the whole present opening malarkey by the time Christmas came around. Oh well. Next year, when he's 3 and baby girl is 17 months it'll be better. Right?!

Maggie

Nothing witty to add, but oh thank you for making me laugh. This is hysterical.

lisa

Totally love shopping for presents with the kiddos there. You see what they like, then pay for it with them there. They forget about 5 seconds after it goes in a bag. LOVE the head exploding with joy when they see it again! I had two shopping trips like that this year :D

Suzy Q

Thank you for sharing your Christmas photos of yorur adorbs children with us. I realized I didn't see any actual live children this year!

Meredith

Suzy Q: I think I know what you mean but you're kinda scaring me here.

JenVegas

But, they're all still ridiculously cute.

Apryl

I took the 6 year old to Toys R Us and successfully did round 1 of Xmas shopping with him. Never even freaking noticed it was awesome. Now the 10 year old..he would have documented everything in the cart so he was left with the neighbors. LOL But I got away with it until 6 1/2 (1/2 for added measure). He will not be a detective or private investigator. LOL

KImtoo

Wow, yeah, the won't-notice-I-bought-it very rarely works for me (I managed a big Batman candy cane this year, but it was at the grocery store. At TRU? Not happening.) My kids just turned 4 and 7.
I took ZERO pictures Christmas day. Just -zero. Probably would've taken more if my camera was right there, but it wasn't, and I just let go and experienced it. It was very freeing. Missed some good present face, but watched a lot of present jumping up and down.

Lynn

The important thing is that you got pictures of the toys! My four year old tells me that's the true meaning of Christmas.

Hannah

Our sewer backed up. I feel your pain.

Leigh Ann

This is definitely the last year I could get away with buying gifts with my youngest around. It's a sad realization. Also, I totally kept finding her hiding behind the couch, sneaking chocolate kisses from her stocking all morning long.

We had the Great Water Heater Breakdown last year over New Years, which coincided nicely with the Dramatic Dryer Disaster at the same time. So warmish baths with water heated up on the stove, just like the olden days, and multiple trips to the laudromat, which I always volunteered for because ALONE TIME.

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