Merry Belated Christmas. Here's a Crappy Numbered Listicle Post.
December 27, 2013
1) Homeownership. Fuck yeah!
On twas'd the night before Christmas, our water heater broke. No hot water. A plumber came on the twas'd morning after Christmas and fixed it, and also replaced our leaking-since-Thanksgiving garbage disposal, after determining that my solution (PUT A BOWL UNDER IT) was probably not going to work for us long-term. So that was fun and spendy and gaaaahhhh.
2) What blogger is this?
I got sewing machine! Like for to sew things on, all crafty and domestic and shit. I haven't taken it out of the box yet, because I am kind of intimidated by it. (Even though it looks like one designed for people like me [IDIOTS], with lots of buttons labeled with pictures, like the hospital check-in register thing in Idiocracy. IS A BABBY FALLING OUT OF YOU? PRESS HERE FOR BACKSTITCH.)
The last time I used a sewing machine was in 8th grade Home Ec. I made a hideous bright red sweatshirt. First I sewed the neckhole shut, then got my own shirt sleeve snagged in the machine needle and attached it to the sweatshirt's sleeve, a feat of physics and angles that baffles and impresses me to this day.
I am hoping to make a small pillowcase, convert some too-small prefold diapers into nighttime inserts, and hem a pair of pants. Prepare y'all's tits for a post wherein I attempt one of those tasks and accidentally set the house on fire.
3) Holiday scenery
The "real" camera is still buried somewhere in the holiday detritus, so here are some pictures from my phone, when I ordered the boys to sit still in their ridiculous matching PJs (sheep! they were covered in Christmas sheep!) and pose for "at least one decent picture, for God's sake, it's Christmas."
OH RIGHT GET THE iPAD OUT OF THERE.
OKAY LET'S TRY SITTING TOGETHER SO I CAN BETTER CROP OUT THE LEGO MASS IN THE BACKGROUND.
BAM. THAT'S CLOSE.
(Bonus points because Noah said, "Everybody say Best Christmas Ever!" right before I took this one.)
DOUBLE BAM. I'LL TAKE IT.
OKAY WE'RE LOSING THEM.
Aaaand this might be my favorite photo of them ever, with mega bonus points for the vaguely alarmed-looking Elmo photobomb.
4. You say it's your birthday.
Why yes, it IS my birthday. Feel free to make a huge fuss, absolutely. Shucks and gosh! You shouldn't have!
I am 36 and now officially out of any and all demographics that might be described as "coveted." The sewing machine is probably not going to help anything, as I'll now be free to be that weird old person who shows up to parties with crooked "upcycled" handtowels as hostess presents, possibly still attached to my own clothing/bloodied body parts.
To celebrate, I'm gonna half-ass this post and then take a shower courtesy of my new fancy water heater thermostat that the plumber said is only gonna buy us a year or so before we have to replace the whole thing. Awwww, yeah, it's a party.