Things I Have Been Doing
December 03, 2013
1) Not getting any better at coming up with interesting blog post titles. OBVIOUSLY.
Ten years, I've been at this. I'm thinking that post titles are just never going to be a skill and I should make peace with that. From here on out expect me to just start titling every post "Things" and "Stuff" and "ASDFGHJKL."
2) Putting various things back together with Scotch Tape and gum.
About five minutes after our last Thanksgiving guest left, everything in my house fell apart. Seriously. Towel hooks suddenly fell off of the wall. The garbage disposal started leaking. A cabinet door came off its hinges. And worst, most terrible of all:
MY WINE RACK BROKE. Presumably from the strain of years of repeated heavy overuse. Thankfully, no bottles of wine were harmed in the collapse, though clearly they will all need to be drunk ASAP. Because. Because of the reasons.
3) Getting festive as shee-it up in this bitch.
Our Christmas tree is up. And decorated.
(I put up almost nothing but cheap, shatter-resistant ornaments this year, but then Jason insisted on digging out the full collection of Nostalgic Nerd Things and added all our old Star Wars/Star Trek/LOTR ones. 24 hours later, Luke Skywalker's head has fallen off and the Borg Cube is missing.)
Advent matchboxes are hung. And packed with candy.
I put them up super high to prevent Ike from ransacking an entire months' worth of chocolate at the first unsupervised opportunity. This placement gets bonus points because NOW whenever one of us asks "Uhhh, where's Ike?", 99% of the time the answer is "on the floor underneath the Advent boxes wailing despondently for candy."
Charlie Brown Christmas Tree purchased, displayed and apparently forming some kind of weird cult in our living room.
COME ALL YE FAITHFUL AND YE ANGRY. HAIL TO THE TREEEEE.
4) Plant murder.
As part of my resolution to Be Somebody Who Holiday Decorates All Of A Sudden, Apparently, I bought two lovely, thriving poinsettias over the weekend. I brought them home, carried them to my front step, and then went inside to find some better-looking pots for them. Once inside, I VERY COMPLETELY LITERALLY got distracted by something shiny — specifically a package of glittery ornaments I'd also purchased — and forgot about the plants. For awhile. Like overnight.
HAPPY HOLIDAYS. WELCOME TO MY HOME. WHERE BEAUTY COMES TO DIE. I LIKE YOUR HAIR. I WILL STEAL IT TONIGHT WHILE YOU SLEEP.
5) Being dumb and slightly unhelpful, as per usual.
Jason misplaced his wallet the other day. We spent a terribly annoying amount of time ransacking the house and looking for it. He'd check the couch cushions, his coat pockets and the pants he wore the day before. Then I'd wander around for awhile before checking the couch cushions, his coat pockets and the pants he wore the day before. After he called the last store he remembered having it at, I lamented that it was a shame he switched from an iPhone to a Windows one this year.
"Why?" he asked.
"Because of the Find My iPhone thing," I sighed.
"How would that help?"
"Uh, it won't," I answered. "Because you don't have an iPhone anymore."
"But even if I did," he pressed, "HOW WOULD THAT HELP?"
"Because! We could use my phone to make sure it was still in the house! But you don't have an iPhone anymore so NEVER MIND."
I seriously could not figure out why he was so confused over this concept. To his credit he decided to simply walk away at that point (and probably go recheck the couch cushions) and wait for the realization that a wallet is not an iPhone to dawn on me on its own.
Which it did! A few minutes later. And a few minutes after that Jason found his wallet stuck in the space between our fridge and a kitchen cabinet. Everyone's a winner!