45 Simple Safety Rules For Living Life & Not Dying
March 28, 2014
In one my recent cleaning binges, I found a marbled composition book of Noah's. He goes through a couple of these a year — he takes them to bed and draws comics and stories and whatnot, and then I come across them months later under his bed or in random drawers, filled up with dense, complicated drawings with a lot of squiggly explosion lines and incomprehensible speech bubbles.
This particular notebook, however, is clearly labeled: SAFETY RULES. And it contains exactly that, helpfully numbered and illustrated:
#1: Never have a car crash when a dog is inside.
I'm not entirely sure when he made this — am guessing about six months ago, at least — but I asked him if I could share his safety rules and selected illustrations with you. He agreed, because he thinks it's important that everybody (and their dogs) stay safe. He's really just here to help.
#2: Never go near the sun where you might get put on fire.
#3: Never go in a grey cloud where you might get electrefid.
#4: Never go near a bomb when it will blow up.
#5: Never go near a snake where it will hipmotis you.
#6: Never get put on fire.
#7: Don't put something in your eye.
#8: Never get sqasht by a giant.
#9: Always ware a crash helmet.
#10: Never sit on a thumtac.
#11: Never fly kites near power lines.
#12: Never go near guns or you'll get shot.
#13: Watch out for damige.
#14: Never slip on a banana peal.
#15: Never go to Harry Potter World ware you'll get shot by Voldamort's wand.
#16: Never use a wand if its not your's.
#17: Never swim in a pool if there's a storm.
#18: Watch out for fire.
#19: Never get cook't by a mickerwave.
#20: Never get bumt by a car.
#21: Never get chomp't up by a dinosar.
#22: Never count to ∞ where you will die.
#23: Never spin on a spinning thing where you will fall.
#24: Never get caught by me.
#25: Never play wtih spray cans.
#26: Obey all trafic sines.
#27: You must wash your hands.
#28: Never tilt your chare back where you might fall.
#29: Pleas buckle your seatbelt when your in a car.
#30: Keep your dey's on my hot glord.
(Ed. Note: I asked for translation help on #30, but Noah admitted, "I don't know what's going on there. Let's just do the next one.")
#31: Never get electrafid in a storm.
#32: Never go in a time mechine if you want to tuch the portle.
#33: Always ask me if you want to act upon stage.
#34: Never sit too close to the TV or you might get hipmotisd.
#35: Check how deep the water is befor you dive.
#36: If you go to the Rugrats' house you'll have to watch out for the mean one.
#37: Watch out for waves.
#38: You must note if enything is going to splat you.
#39: Look and see wats behind you if someone if going to kick you.
#40: Never stand on a hole.
#41: Never walk into a canyon where it's to hot.
#42: Watch out for death.
#43: Never go in the purple potty.
#44: Never let go of a parashoot.
#45: Watch out for the haunted pants of magic.