A Case of the Mondays That Lasts All the Way To Friday
You Are The Lego Beneath My Wings

45 Simple Safety Rules For Living Life & Not Dying

In one my recent cleaning binges, I found a marbled composition book of Noah's. He goes through a couple of these a year — he takes them to bed and draws comics and stories and whatnot, and then I come across them months later under his bed or in random drawers, filled up with dense, complicated drawings with a lot of squiggly explosion lines and incomprehensible speech bubbles. 

This particular notebook, however, is clearly labeled: SAFETY RULES. And it contains exactly that, helpfully numbered and illustrated:

#1: Never have a car crash when a dog is inside. 

Photo (99)

I'm not entirely sure when he made this — am guessing about six months ago, at least — but I asked him if I could share his safety rules and selected illustrations with you. He agreed, because he thinks it's important that everybody (and their dogs) stay safe. He's really just here to help.

#2: Never go near the sun where you might get put on fire.

#3: Never go in a grey cloud where you might get electrefid. 

#4: Never go near a bomb when it will blow up.

#5: Never go near a snake where it will hipmotis you.

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#6: Never get put on fire.

#7: Don't put something in your eye.

#8: Never get sqasht by a giant.

Photo 1 (17)

#9: Always ware a crash helmet.

#10: Never sit on a thumtac.

#11: Never fly kites near power lines.

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#12: Never go near guns or you'll get shot.

#13: Watch out for damige.

#14: Never slip on a banana peal.

#15: Never go to Harry Potter World ware you'll get shot by Voldamort's wand.

Photo 2 (14)

#16: Never use a wand if its not your's.

#17: Never swim in a pool if there's a storm.

#18: Watch out for fire.

#19: Never get cook't by a mickerwave.

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#20: Never get bumt by a car.

#21: Never get chomp't up by a dinosar.


#22: Never count to ∞ where you will die.

#23: Never spin on a spinning thing where you will fall.

#24: Never get caught by me.

#25: Never play wtih spray cans. 

#26: Obey all trafic sines.

#27: You must wash your hands.

Wash your hands

#28: Never tilt your chare back where you might fall.

#29: Pleas buckle your seatbelt when your in a car.

#30: Keep your dey's on my hot glord.

No idea

(Ed. Note: I asked for translation help on #30, but Noah admitted, "I don't know what's going on there. Let's just do the next one.")

#31: Never get electrafid in a storm.

#32: Never go in a time mechine if you want to tuch the portle.

Time mechine

#33: Always ask me if you want to act upon stage.

#34: Never sit too close to the TV or you might get hipmotisd.

#35: Check how deep the water is befor you dive. 

#36: If you go to the Rugrats' house you'll have to watch out for the mean one.

#37: Watch out for waves.

Photo 3 (7)

#38: You must note if enything is going to splat you.

#39: Look and see wats behind you if someone if going to kick you.

#40: Never stand on a hole.

#41: Never walk into a canyon where it's to hot.

#42: Watch out for death.

Photo 2 (15)

#43: Never go in the purple potty.

#44: Never let go of a parashoot.

#45: Watch out for the haunted pants of magic. 

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These are so, so awesome. However, #24 is the best. I seriously just about spit out a bite of energy bar I'd just taken when I read that.


Words to live by.


LOVE it! #30....a hot pan on a stove perhaps? With lots of angry people....waiting for 3rd breakfast to be done, maybe?


Noah!! You are so smart - Voldemort DOES seem super dangerous. Thanks for the heads-up on HP World!!

(AMY: He is beyond adorable. #15 and #16 just have me grinning.)


Ohhh...now I'm getting guitar lord out of it....think I'd best go stare at something else awhile!


This is just fantastic. I love his brain.


OMG, #24 is my favorite. So ominous. There is great power with that one. :)

Thank you SO much for sharing this. Made my day. :)


Words to live by, Noah, words to live by! Love these! Thank you for sharing!


These are tremendous. Thanks for sharing! (Also, I agree, must watch out for the mean one, at Rugrats house or anywhere, really.)


Had he read "Officer Buckle and Gloria" at the time?

His list of safety rules are WAY BETTER than the ones in that book.


#45 is now my golden rule.


Welp, I'm gonna go watch out for death now. And try not to get hipmotisd by any snakes or tvs. Truly good rules to live by, Noah.


My nephew left a pair of jeans here this weekend. When I take them back to him, I will explain that these are now the "haunted pants of magic". Knowing him, he will shrug, and say, "I know."


This is incredible. He has a future as a writer. These are really, really great. I also love this little window into how he makes sense of the world. Hypnotism is definitely something to watch out for!


No. 42 is basically the basis for all Woody Allen movies. And No. 5 is my favorite because the snake looks like a magnet and I like the blurbly hypnosis rays he's shooting out.

Sarah Lynn

He is not aware of two my husband always offers as advice to kids: never invade Russia in the winter months and don't eat any green meat. These are just wonderful, and I will think about the hot glords all day.

Sarah Lynn

He is not aware of two my husband always offers as advice to kids: never invade Russia in the winter months and don't eat any green meat. These are just wonderful, and I will think about the hot glords all day.


Oh lord he is one smart cookie! I love the mix of things he's been told by grow ups and gleaned from popular culture. I don't know if my favorite is "watch out for death" or "the haunted pants of magic". I will be sure to watch out for both from now on. Thank you for sharing Noah :)


I agree, Noah. Truly great advice. Those mickerwaves can be dangerous. And as for those haunted pants of magic, I might have a pair. Not really sure, but I'll check the next time I put some on.

Those illustrations are great, by the way!




Are your kids in love with Officer Buckle and Gloria, too? The thumbtack and crash helmet tipped me off. My son has made similar lists over the past year!


Holy mackerel, that just made my day.


Who knew there were so many safety rules - and each one makes sense!!
Well, except for the "hot glords" - but I will still be careful around any glords that I come across. Thank you Noah!

Rebecca M

Hah. I love that kid.

I also love how many of these are about TV and movies, yet still kinda make sense. Watch out for the mean one, indeed.


I am totally watching out for Death. Noah is AWESOME.

Kari The Great

#8, #21, #45. Puuure awesomesauce!!


I love the combination of regular good advice (don't fly a kite near a power line) and awesome advice (don't get chomped up by a dinosaur).


I'm sure #30 is something about a guitar, a star guitar, in front of people on a stage...


Thanks for the heads up Noah! I certainly don't want to get sqasht by a giant or hypmotisd by a snake. Sage advice :-) This made my day!


"haunted pants of magic" - HAHAHAHAHAHA! Awesome!


((Me smiling)) I love these! My favorites are the death and pants ones. To me, the hot glords picture looks like someone vacuuming a bunch of angry disembodied heads in your subfloor. Looks like its set in a room with two curtained windows. I don't care what it's really supposed to be, though, because perfection.


#45 is now my offical life motto. I need this on a t-shirt!


#24! That Noah is scary.

Good, solid words to live by. I would not like to be hipmotised.


Thank you, Noah!! These are great - lots of good advice, and I really like your drawings. I must admit I'm curious about the Purple Potty mentioned in #43.
Thanks for letting your mom share your safety advice with us! :)


Ok, this is my first time commenting (long time reader though)but I had to. I. LOVE. THESE. #16, #24 and #42 are my favorites. Noah, you rock!

not supergirl

If I weren't already completely charmed, it'd be all over now. (I was, however, already completely charmed.) I can't remember the last time I commented, because I don't usually feel I have much to add to the conversation, but this is far, far too noteworthy not to comment. Thank your amazing Noah for sharing his safety tips, please.


I'm concerned by #24 and really need to say ain't nobody got time for no Damien or Danny Torrance shit.


Please thank Noah for letting you share this important information. He sure is one clever kid!


Oh, that's awesome.

Please thank Noah on our behalf for sharing.


Oh my god if I didn't already love your son I'd have to start now. Those are the words of a brilliant and imaginative mind. Oh my god.

"Never count to ∞ where you will die."

I mean, that it, isn't it? That's it, exactly.


I can't even pick out one best thing, so I will just say, "Noah, FTW!"

Sandra Timmerman-van Vliet

So sweet ;-)


Can't argue with any of these. Sound advice, sir!


These are all awesome!
#45 gave me flashbacks to childhood. I was terrified of Dr. Seuss' "What was I Scared of?"... the pale green pants with nobody inside them!
It's truly good advice. ALL OF IT.


I feel safer just having read this. Good work, Noah!


#22 blew my mind a little.


This is actually a pretty solid list. I'd live by it!


I'm soooo tired of reading "Officer Buckle and Gloria" every night. Can we read this version instead? :)


That Angelica is a bitch.


All very good rules. I'm most concerned about the haunted pants of magic. I might need more details so I can be sure to avoid locations that they frequent.

Nancy R

Haunted Pants of Magic!


#30 looks like the most boring rock concert ever. I can tell by all the stars and the ZZZZZZZZZ coming from the audience.


I am 32. To this day my parents will still pull out the "book" I wrote and illustrated when I was 6 about the hen who was eaten by a bear 'but she had eggs.' I think you just found Noah's "but she had eggs" moment. You need to hang on to this for decades to come.


This is amazeballs. I now have to give my four year old a notebook and hope he someday makes a safety rules book.


Super, super, super cool.


I love this list so much! Good rules, Noah. Thanks for letting your mom share and keeping us all safe!


Cracking the Hot Glord code is going to be my obsession all day long.

In the picture, I see a kid on stage in front of an audience and a spotlight shining down on him as he speaks or sings-- I see curtains, a star-shaped background, a stand microphone. The audience appears to be sleeping rather than watching (thus the zzzzzzs).

Now, my initial interpretation is that deys is maybe "eyes" -- the audience is NOT keeping their eyes on the person on stage. I'm also willing to speculate that the "d" in days is actually "cl" although that doesn't add much clarity, really. "Keep your cley's on my hot (not?) glord (chord? glory?)"

I will figure this out or die trying. If only he wasn't so smart-- it makes the possibilities almost endless.


#30 -
He's on stage saying "Keep your eyes on me not Gloria." Or something.


I really like #33 and think everyone should follow that to the letter. TO. THE. LETTER. It sure would cut down on the number of over-angsty stage productions.

Amy Jo

I'm just going to go ahead and leave this open on my desktop for all of time, and anytime I'm sad or confused about safety…BAM! There it is. Thank you Noah!


Perfection. Your Noah has a spectacular grasp of the complexities of life, and has managed to simplify all of its attendant chaos into these rules. This must be kept. Thank you for sharing your wonderful son and his delightful mind!

Mrs Q

Hot glord, that's funny!


What's wrong with the purple potty?

That was terrific. And some good points!


Those are exactly the rules I tell my kids + kid rules. Perfect. I cannot disagree with any of them. The purple potty thing? Kid logic, kid rules. As above.


Ah, so much to say! I adore the picture of the snake "hipmotis"ing someone. "You must note if enything is going to splat you" sounds like a bad translation from another language. I absolutely love that he threw in "you must wash your hands" with all this kooky stuff. And he sounds like he's taking an acid trip by the end of the list.

I was concerned that I couldn't figure out #30 until I saw your little note. I taught first and second grade for years and consider myself an expert decoder of nonsense. However, upon reading the comments, I think the person who said it may read "Keep your eyes on me, not Gloria" is on to something. You should revisit the picture with Noah and ask him about that!


Officer Buckle and Gloria! This is completely the sequel.


He's totally right. I fell over backwards in a chair once and I highly recommend against it.


If I did not already adore that kid, this list would seal the deal. The Noah is much smarter than anything brought to you by the AdCouncil and this station.


I really feel like he wrote 45 just for me.


Your kid rocks. Possibly the best thing I've ever read, and thank Noah for these tips. The pants? I will be watching.....

dawny dee

that kid is beyond fabulous. and they get better as you go along. number 40 is my fav followed closely by 42. but its the illustrations that get me. such talent!
this kid has amazing adventures in his future. thanks for sharing.

Amy M.

Please thank Noah for these wonderful life lessons! I agree with many of them, although I did go to Harry Potter World and was never threatened with Voldemort's wand.


All excellent advice, but #38 is my favorite. I most certainly want to note anything that will "splat" me. ~ L

A. P.

This is the best present Monday ever gave me (I'm a little late to the party, obviously). Number 24 and number 42! So good! Honestly, this is just the best list EVER. I feel like finding notebooks like this are the "THIS is why I had kids!" kind of moments that make it all worth it :) Great job Noah!

Fate Jacket X

Thank you so much for this. I really needed it. From now on, I am watching out for the haunted pants of magic.


How have I lived this long without Haunted Pants of Magic? I must have them!


The best. I always try to watch out for damage.


#38 is so articulate. "You must note..." Indeed, I will take note - lest I become splatted.


Wow, is he an advanced speller or what??? I love the action picture of the people fleeing from the giant's foot... and I LOVE how he spelled chomp't... love.


#30 it has to do with a hat, I think...look at all the unhappy people not wearing hats...the only one smiling is the hat wearer.

"keep your eyes on my hat Gloria"?

Joy Strain

#30 -- I think it is "keep your eyes on me - not bored" He is on stage and some of the folks in the crowd seem to be sleeping (zzzz) "bored" because they aren't watching him? Maybe??


The haunted pants of magic. How MANY times have I fallen afoul of them?


#30 looks like a classroom full of bored students (as a teacher I can say this). Is there a class clown in his room this year named Gloria? As in, Keep your eyes on me, class, not Gloria. LOL


I promise to watch out for death.


I think I might have an insight into the dey's oh my hot glord...there's a children's book called "Officer Buckle and Gloria." The image looks really similar to an audience sleeping while watching a dog and a police officer (here's the Amazon summary: Officer Buckle is a roly-poly bloke, dedicated to teaching schoolchildren important safety tips, such as never put anything in your ear and never stand on a swivel chair. The problem is, Officer Buckle's school assemblies are dull, dull, dull, and the children of Napville just sleep, sleep, sleep. That is, until Gloria the police dog is invited along! Stealthily pantomiming each safety tip behind Officer Buckle's back, Gloria wins the children's hearts. Meanwhile Officer Buckle assumes the cheers and laughter are all for him. As the master comedian Jerry Lewis once explained, every slapstick artist needs a straight man!)

I think, in fact, this project might have been inspired by that book, maybe at least in part.

Love it, though!! So adorable and creative. Quite a little artist :)


Oh my gahhhh I'm crying. These are every kind of awesome.


"Watch out for death." When you're right, you're right!

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