Attack of the Floor Cheerios
On Being the Best At Everything Except the Opposite of That

Time Is a Flat-Packaged Ikea Box

I am having some technical difficulties today. Said difficulties involve my scanner being a punk-ass little bitch who won't scan for shit. Technically speaking, of course. Sorry if that went over anybody's head. 

I've decided that I can fix the scanner by acting like I don't actually need to scan anything for my blog post today. (WHISPER SPEAK: Even though for my original idea, I totally did, dammit.) I am resorting to employing reverse psychology with a hunk of office equipment because I've already tried unplugging it and turning it back on and that didn't work. So mind games it is! I bet you're sorry now, scanner.

Of course, this leaves me with not a whole hell of a lot to talk about. Um. Ezra broke a lamp in the living room and so we went to Ikea to buy a new lamp for the living room? But the kids' play area was closed for renovation just in time for Ike to be potty trained and possibly tall enough (if you count his hairz; I was hoping to talk them into counting his hairz) to join his brothers in the play area?

And so what we thought was going to be a breezy, childfree jaunt through the store in search of a lamp and one of those paper-filing tray things for my office descended into a bleak, horrible trek through everything that is awful about Ikea, including kids 1) wandering off, 2) whining about everything, EVERYTHING, oh God stop whining, 3) announcing a desperate need to poop right in the middle of the Marketplace Dead Zone, where you could not possibly be further away from a bathroom in every blessed direction?

Also, Jason tried to rush me as I was comparing my paper-filing tray options and I basically freaked out at him, old-skool Ikea-Fight style

(I naively thought I could find that linked post by simply typing "ikea" into the search bar. 344 goddamn results. I really need a new schtick, or at least face the terrible, nihilistic reality that there is no storage solution in existence that will solve my personal storage problems, and there never will be.) 

At least our trip There and Back Again resulted in 1) $1 frozen yogurts and sassy faces:

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And 2) this admittedly adorable greenhouse thingie for Jason's ongoing, years' long quest to grow an avocado plant:

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After at least two dozen failed attempts, these are the first plants he's managed to coax past the "growing some ugly roots and not much else" stage. And he admits he has absolutely no idea what to do with them next, as we do not live in a Prime Avocado Growing Climate and they will probably die instantly if we tried to plant them outside. But the point is: LOOK. THERE ARE LEAVES. I AM CLEARLY PART GOD. LET'S BUY THEM A LITTLE HOUSE AND KEEP THEM AS PETS. 

Let's see. Perhaps we can talk about daylight savings, and how having a few devices automatically adjust (mobile phones, laptops, cable box) is actually not as helpful as it should be, since I invariably spend at least a couple days in a state of confusion because I'm getting conflicted information from every clock I'm looking at, having forgotten which ones change by electronic Internet magic (FACT) and which ones require me to change, because FAT CHANCE, I'M LAZY. 

Wait. Did my phone update for daylight savings or did I just forget to set my clock back to normal after time-cheating for Candy Crush lives?

The wall clock says I have an hour left to work but OH CRAP, my computer says I should have left five minutes ago to pick up Ike.

Why does the microwave say it's 11 but the stove says it's 10, which direction were we supposed to move this time, and also who the hell changes one appliance's clock while ignoring the one that is literally 12 inches away, JASON?

How do I change the clock in this car again gaaahhhh fuck this I will just do math until October. 

Anyway, wow. This entry really never went anywhere, did it? I guess I should just go full-giving-up-on-original-content and repost an Instagram video clip that everyone who follows me on Instagram already saw, as did everyone who saw it automatically cross-posted on Twitter and Facebook and Flickr, but look, it's not my fault my scanner is a punk-ass bitch and ruined everything. 

Plus, you know. Baby Ike! Still! He admits it and everything.

 

Comments

Lynn

Three things:
1) I thought avocados were trees. So, no, they are not? Huh.
2) Daylight Savings Time = conspiracy theory to make parents homicidal.
3)I did see that on Instagram, but I sure as hell didn't let that stop me from hitting play again!

Jocelyn

Our work scanner is also being a punk ass (redacted). It won't work for (redacted). What to do? Internet!

Laura

Call me weird - these are some of my favorite posts - you are able to make the exact same things happening in my life FUNNY. Thanks :)

Lisa

You guys do know that avocados grow on trees, right?

:)

Kat

BABY IKE FOREVER. Too cute.

Stephanie

Because I grew up in a prime Avocado growing climate, I can definitively say that yes, they are trees. However, trees are also plants. So technically, Amy is still right.

Also, Baby Ike! I too saw that on Instagram, but had to click again.

Cara

When we bought our car there was an after market stereo installed but no instruction manual was given, so of course I have no freaking idea how to change the time. Seems it should be simple, no? I'm lazy and forget to use the Internets every time to solve this problem...so math it is for half the year, 6 years and running!

Lynn

Thanks for clearing up the avocado issue. I wasn't saying that trees aren't plants, btw. I just didn't realize that what she had growing there were trees. I thought from the picture they must be, I don't know, like strawberry shrubs?

Chi

Your boys are all adorable, but the look on Ike's face with his yogurt *slays* me. :D

Janet

My parents have an avocado plant (uhh, tree) that has been growing for FORTY plus years now and is probably 10 feet tall (after they've cut it back many times to fit it in the house). It's lived for about 30 years in Colorado, so I swear it's possible. All from one pit sprouted in a cup. Good luck, wee plant.

Holly

I grew up in the self-proclaimed "avocado capital of the world", and uh, yes, they are trees. And, I highly doubt you will get any fruit from your little seedlings since most species are grafted. SO. Not sure if that changes your mindset since you'll likely not be saving oodles of money on guac....

nic

time-cheating!!??? OMG you're a genius, why have I never thought of this?

Haley

One word: TurboScan - maybe it is two words? Regardless, it will be the best couple of dollars you ever spend on an app. I haven't used my scanner since I bought it!

ps: I love Ike, Baby Ike!

Joyce

Ike.... BABY ike. Made me think of bond... JAMES bond, but then with added cute times infinity.

LD's Mom

I haven't heard of TurboScan but I often just take a picture of my document with my phone rather than bothering to scan it.

Sara

Um, my husband also JUST updated the stove clock and not the microwave clock. The fuck?

Desperately Erin

Tell me more about this time cheat...

dessessopsid

We are growing an avocado in a pot at the moment - I would do that, until you think it is big enough (or you know, toward the end of Spring when it isn't likely to be too cold) - and then plant outside. Picture of said avo in a pot here instagram.com/p/lMcyLdSUml/

Maria Reilly

SSOO hear you about the time change..spent all of Sunday being late then being early then not sure if DH chaneged the clocks...figured he didn't since he never does change stuff like toilet rolls especially... so then all morning I'm yelling am I late?? do we have time?? blah!!

Shannon

Download the Turboscan app! You will never use your old scanner again!

aimee

I spent last winter and spring nurturing two avocados in cups. By late summer they had sprouted a few leaves, so I planted them in pots and put them outside in the sun. Where they were promptly dug up and eaten by squirrels, less than 24 hours after I put them out. Those rat bastards.

Arnebya

If I were speaking to my husband this week I would totally buy him the little greenhouse thing BECAUSE COME THE FUCK ON, HOW MANY AVOCADO PITS ARE IN THE WINDOWS, ALL OF THE WINDOWS? And what is that smell? Why does the water smell? It's been yeeeeeeeeeeeeeears. I don't want to be a defeatist but sometimes? Sometimes I want to scream NO AVOCADOS WILL GROW (in my Faye Dunaway doing Joan Crawford no wire hangers voice. That was more than you needed, huh?). ANYWAY. Aside from my husband the avocado growing maniac (granted, I'm the buyer. I would LIKE to grow them seeing how many we eat but I'm satisfied with simply buying them. HE. MUST. CONQUER. GROWTH). ANYWAY AGAIN. Like Aimee, squirrel bastards are bastards. Biting every tomato like the next one won't taste just like the last one. Where was I going with this? I don't know.

chantale

I have yet to brave Ikea with the children since my (then) 4 year old thought it was a good idea to climb behind the boxes in the warehouse and give me a heart attack.

Aww, your little Ike is so sweet. I am pregnant with #3 and we have chosen Isaac as his name, Ike for his nickname. Not a fan of Zac, but Ike is just too sweet. Since the other kids are 7 and 5, he will be 'baby Ike' for a good long time.

Juli

Your avocados are ready to be planted. Imagine your little avocado seed in the tropical wild. It probably falls off the tree and hangs out all 'winter' until the rainy season. Then, it sits partially submerged in soggy wetness (which is why you start them out halfway in a cup like that, although I skip the toothpicks altogether and just make sure not to completely cover them with water) until it sprouts. Your plants are definitely ready, but be ready to wait. It is going to take SEVEN years for your plant to begin bearing fruit. I have heard many people say that you can't get them to bear fruit, but I think that is just because they don't realize it takes so long for the tree to mature. You need hefty sized pots to plant them in (and a hand truck or appliance dolly to move them), because they most certainly cannot handle anything under like 45-50 degrees. I have 4 that I have had since summer before last. It took all winter and most of the spring to get them growing in the first place, but now they are all a couple of feet tall.

Juli

Oh, and when you plant them make sure not to completely cover the seed. Just a little of it needs to be peeking out of the dirt. Last tip, I swear and you probably already know this one: If the leaves start turning yellow, that means too much water, and if they turn brown it means too little.

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