Go To The Mattress
July 03, 2014
I got my hair done last weekend. I'd gotten it into my head that I wanted to go back to blonde, and so I did. I don't want to talk about it.
(I don't liiiiiike iiiiiit. It's just not me anymore. I'm no more a natural blonde than I am a natural redhead — at least any shade of blonde anyone would actually want, unless you dig a blonde so ashy and washed out you look like you've gone gray. "Dishwater blonde," I believe it would be called if it came in a box. But of course it doesn't come in a box, because it's a terrible color. So I got blonde highlights over it and tried to give it a few days to grow on me and I think it looks fake and try-hard and wait, I said I don't want to talk about it.)
ANYWAY. Moving on. This is not a story about my hair, but rather a super-funny thing I saw on the way back from the salon one time. But not this past time. A time a few months ago, and I don't know why I didn't write about it when it happened. Because it definitely was the sort of story I used to race back to my computer to tell, years and years ago, back when things were wild and free and you could tell stories about impaled seagulls with no ending.
(Then again, I also probably would have written five or six obsessive entries in a row about my hair back then, instead of one paragraph and a couple Instagram photos that don't even accurately capture the new color, because I put a filter on them, because I am ridiculous and completely Miss The Point sometimes.)
So I'm driving home, I'm in the city, and there's a SUV in front of me with a mattress on the roof. An unwrapped, used mattress that is just...sitting on the roof. No ropes, no ties, no restraints of any kind.
A big queen mattress, just hangin' out on the roof of a car.
We were stopped at a red light and man, I had SO MANY QUESTIONS about that mattress, and the circumstances and thought processes that led to someone hoisting a big queen mattress on top of their SUV and then driving off.
"Whelp, I forgot to bring some string but dammit, I AM TAKING THIS MATTRESS. This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity that is NOT going to pass me by while I run to the corner hardware store* for some rope. Someone else will take this mattress and this is my goddamn mattress. I'll just drive real slow and in a straight line and balanced-like. I'll be FINE."
*Seriously, we passed one. We passed RIGHT BY ONE.
I've done some truly bone-headed things, of course. Common sense has escaped me on multiple occasions. I've followed misguided courses of action to their logical conclusions and then been like, "Oh. Duh. Of course that was going to happen" I've written about those times, probably over-extensively.
But in that moment, contemplating that unrestrained mattress, I felt smugly superior. Probably like a lot of blog readers feel about me sometimes, because Dude, That Is A Bad Idea. What Are You Thinking, Get It Together, etc.
I changed lanes at the first opportunity, as I'd rather not have his Bad Idea come crashing through my windshield.
I'd honestly forgotten all about the mattress by the time I saw it again.
In the middle of Connecticut Avenue, sprawled across two lanes of traffic. A big queen mattress, just hangin' out on the ground.
The car had (I guess?) tried to make a left turn and the mattress went merrily sliding off the roof. The SUV was now also blocking traffic and a sheepish-looking figure was walking towards his mattress. His big queen mattress that he was (I guess?) solely responsible for getting out of the road and back onto the roof of his car.
I saw it as I was turning left off Connecticut, so I don't know what happened next, if he had super-human Hulk strength or if someone else took pity on him and pitched in. I can only assume he eventually got it off the street and home somehow, but oh God, can you imagine how filthy it was? Can you imagine crawling into bed every night on top of your very own Mattress of Humiliation? Would you tell people? Use it as a cautionary tale about inertia and momentum and the importance of owning some decent cargo straps? Blog about it? Use it on dates? Hey baby, I've got a great story about how I got this mattress.
I drove by and yeah, I laughed really, really hard.
I hope the mattress was okay, though. I kind of love that mattress.