The Threeiest Three to Ever Three

Go To The Mattress

I got my hair done last weekend. I'd gotten it into my head that I wanted to go back to blonde, and so I did. I don't want to talk about it.

(I don't liiiiiike iiiiiit. It's just not me anymore. I'm no more a natural blonde than I am a natural redhead — at least any shade of blonde anyone would actually want, unless you dig a blonde so ashy and washed out you look like you've gone gray. "Dishwater blonde," I believe it would be called if it came in a box. But of course it doesn't come in a box, because it's a terrible color. So I got blonde highlights over it and tried to give it a few days to grow on me and I think it looks fake and try-hard and wait, I said I don't want to talk about it.)

ANYWAY. Moving on. This is not a story about my hair, but rather a super-funny thing I saw on the way back from the salon one time. But not this past time. A time a few months ago, and I don't know why I didn't write about it when it happened. Because it definitely was the sort of story I used to race back to my computer to tell, years and years ago, back when things were wild and free and you could tell stories about impaled seagulls with no ending

(Then again, I also probably would have written five or six obsessive entries in a row about my hair back then, instead of one paragraph and a couple Instagram photos that don't even accurately capture the new color, because I put a filter on them, because I am ridiculous and completely Miss The Point sometimes.)

So I'm driving home, I'm in the city, and there's a SUV in front of me with a mattress on the roof. An unwrapped, used mattress that is just...sitting on the roof. No ropes, no ties, no restraints of any kind. 

A big queen mattress, just hangin' out on the roof of a car. 

We were stopped at a red light and man, I had SO MANY QUESTIONS about that mattress, and the circumstances and thought processes that led to someone hoisting a big queen mattress on top of their SUV and then driving off. 

"Whelp, I forgot to bring some string but dammit, I AM TAKING THIS MATTRESS. This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity that is NOT going to pass me by while I run to the corner hardware store* for some rope. Someone else will take this mattress and this is my goddamn mattress. I'll just drive real slow and in a straight line and balanced-like. I'll be FINE."

*Seriously, we passed one. We passed RIGHT BY ONE.

I've done some truly bone-headed things, of course. Common sense has escaped me on multiple occasions. I've followed misguided courses of action to their logical conclusions and then been like, "Oh. Duh. Of course that was going to happen"  I've written about those times, probably over-extensively.

But in that moment, contemplating that unrestrained mattress, I felt smugly superior. Probably like a lot of blog readers feel about me sometimes, because Dude, That Is A Bad Idea. What Are You Thinking, Get It Together, etc.

I changed lanes at the first opportunity, as I'd rather not have his Bad Idea come crashing through my windshield. 

I'd honestly forgotten all about the mattress by the time I saw it again. 

In the middle of Connecticut Avenue, sprawled across two lanes of traffic. A big queen mattress, just hangin' out on the ground.

The car had (I guess?) tried to make a left turn and the mattress went merrily sliding off the roof. The SUV was now also blocking traffic and a sheepish-looking figure was walking towards his mattress. His big queen mattress that he was (I guess?) solely responsible for getting out of the road and back onto the roof of his car. 

I saw it as I was turning left off Connecticut, so I don't know what happened next, if he had super-human Hulk strength or if someone else took pity on him and pitched in. I can only assume he eventually got it off the street and home somehow, but oh God, can you imagine how filthy it was? Can you imagine crawling into bed every night on top of your very own Mattress of Humiliation? Would you tell people? Use it as a cautionary tale about inertia and momentum and the importance of owning some decent cargo straps? Blog about it? Use it on dates?  Hey baby, I've got a great story about how I got this mattress.

I drove by and yeah, I laughed really, really hard.

I hope the mattress was okay, though. I kind of love that mattress.



Two weeks ago, following a pick up truck with a full load of roofing shingles on IT'S TAILGATE. A tailgate is not designed to take the weight of a full load of shingles. Also? Tied to the railing of the truck with a single freaking piece of (what looked like) butchers twine. Guess where those shingles ended up? Thats right. About three feet from the front of our SUV when the tailgate gave away in spectacular fashion. Luckily my husband was driving, figured out what was going to happen and slowed way down before it did. Because I probably would have been looking at the new Chinese restaurant on the side of the road and not paying a bit of attention to that truck.


My boyfriend and I yeaaaaaaaaaars ago went to pick up a mattress, in DC, near the stadium. He tied it to his roof rack and all was well as we headed home until the roof rack broke and the mattress went soaring off the top of his SUV RIGHT IN FRONT OF EVERYONE AT RFK THERE FOR OPENING DAY OF DC UNITED.

I laughed so hard I cried and he made me stay in the car because I wasn't helping. I still want to pee myself laughing when I picture the rearview mirror showing me the mattress just sailing away, majestically, with the roof rack attached.


So - true story - when we moved to our current area 3 years ago, my husband had his father help us move a BRAND NEW mattress to our rental house. They loaded it in his truck, tied it down and took off. In the middle of the busiest road in town, the mattress went flying (despite being tied down) and landed in the middle of the road. Luckily, the man behind them anticipated it happening and kept his distance. He pulled over, helped them reload it and they continued on to their destination.

Now, my husband didn't tell me about this happening until several weeks later - and several 'is this bed comfortable for you's. The only differences between your story & this one is that ours was still wrapped in plastic when it fell and it was tied down.

We joke that it's the only 'air fluffed' mattress in the house.


I once secured an IKEA Billy bookcase sticking half out the trunk of my car with a bit of landline phone cord that for some reason was also in the back of my car.

Why I didn't come up with an option before, I wish I knew, but that cord got me and my bookcase safely across the 14th street bridge!


At least he had the decency to look sheepish :-) And, i'll bet your highlights and return to blonde look fab!

Sue W.

I surprised my husband the first year we moved into our current home with a Sears Craftsman tool chest. The gigantor one. Which I had them load in my Ford Mustang Convertible. It was the floor model and they had to take it apart! Yes, I put the top dawn. And drove down the highway with men honking their horns at me and giving me a thumbs up! I put the car in the garage and he was shocked and amazed that I'd done something so Tom-foolerish! But he lurves his tool chest!


Driving down 495 one day I saw a truck full of rugs, the back was open and there was a man sleeping on one of the rugs. Being as it was 495 everything was stopped and the man looked quite comfy...until everyone started moving again. We got up to a good clip (around 45) before everyone stopped again, the truck slammed on it's brakes and the man went rolling towards the open door of the truck, about to get splatted on the pavement of 4 FREAKING 95!!!

He caught himself, but for a few minutes I was terrified for his life, even though he clearly wasn't


OH GOD I just laughed so hard!


I want to see the hair!!!!


For what it's worth, I have always liked you better blonde.


I was laughing out loud...and then I got a visual and laughed even harder. What a great story. Thank you for sharing.


Uh...that was my brother-in-law. A black SUV? That's my car that he borrowed. I knew the mattress fell off, but it was secured with twine. He is a vet with a TBI history. Sometimes that affects his memory, maybe he didn't tie it tight enough. Sorry. Glad it amused you, I guess.


This is comedy gold. Mattress of Humiliation!

The post title also reminds me of You've Got Mail (which I enjoy a bit more than The Godfather, ha.)


OMG I saw this hapless kid with autism do something stupid and it was SOOOO FUNNY and let's all laugh and laugh, right? You're not nice.


Even the comments have me laughing hard! We all do things that aren't the smartest sometimes. Lighten up, Tatti...


Damn, haters, lighten up, eh? No, Amy doesn't suck, and no, Amy doesn't make fun of people. Read closer and you'll see she's poking fun at a situation, much like she herself, admittedly, would have potentially done. And for anyone to even insinuate that Amy would make fun of anyone being autistic, well, that alone is meanness personified. Read her blog and you'll see how ludicrous that suggestion would ever be. Imma defend Amalah and her writing and hope that these few critics maybe, I dunno, get a sense of humor somewhere?


Wow, no need to be mean RKF.

If you find Amalah so repugnant, perhaps rather than saying something hurtful, you could stop reading her blog?


There is probably a perfectly reasonable, possibly sad, reason behind 99% of the ridiculous things we see everyday. We aren't supposed to tell people about the effed up stuff we see in case it's someone's cousin's Grandpa who served in 'Nam? Sheesh people.


I totally did that with a pizza once! I mean, I didn't mean to leave it on the top of the car, of course, but had to pull over after I saw it go flying off in the rear-view mirror. I actually thought about retrieving it from the intersection. Oh, me.


I'm with Alana. Come on people, lighten up. This is HILARIOUS! And yup, we've all been there at some point.


Oh my gosh! We were driving to Costco one day, back when my kids were 2 and 3, and all of a sudden there was a mattress in the air in front of our van. My husband swerved, and I thought we'd missed it, but no. It smashed into the window RIGHT NEXT TO THE THREE YEAR OLD'S HEAD. I was sure she was going to be dead. I turned around, and she was screaming her head off (as you do when the window next to your head explodes), but otherwise fine. As in, not even the tiniest scratch on her. I'm not sure how that happened because when I went to scoop up some of the glass, with my hands wrapped in cloth grocery bags, I still managed to get several cuts.

What is with people and their mattresses? What is the thought process? "This unsecured mattress is so soft, I am CERTAIN that even if by magic it does come flying off my vehicle, it will be like a pillow landing gently on the face." Honestly.

Lynda M Otvos

Bring a live-aboard-offshore veteran, I have learned three or four really good knots and often use them correctly. Still mattresses are the bane of existence when they need to go for a ride; it's almost like they want not to be atop anything and as soon as reasonable they succumb to gravity. Stupid things. Clogging traffic, making us look silly-one might get the impression that mattresses resent us for lying atop Them alla time.


Ha! Ironically when my hubby moved from DC, he put his mattress out by the dumpster because it was broken, so there was no sense in hauling it home to St. Louis. He said he went in the apartment and came out a minute later and some guys in a van pulled up, hoped out, grabbed the mattress, jumped back in the van, and pulled off! It was like they knew he would be getting rid of a mattress that day. Figured I would share my DC mattress related story too. At least these guys had a van though.

Heather P.

This story just had me laughing, thanks! I have seen some crazy things strapped to cars but nothing ever fall off. Glad you had a funny story to take your mind off your hair for a little while. As a natiral blonde myself, I actually try really hard to get pretty red hair like yours, so don't feel too bad. I've ended up with pumpkin hair, and I bet that looks more horrible than any blonde you end up with. ;)


Huh. I didn't even know assholes still commented so openly. Is that still like, a thing? People still leave rude, name calling comments? Anonymously? That is so 2010.

Anyway. Laughing at this, snorting at Michelle's comment, then the one with the rugs. I've never not secured something to mah roof but I did have my grill fly off while blazing down 395. And yes, I hopped in traffic during rush hour trying to get it because VW parts are high as a giraffe's ass. Fear not, hon. The story is funny, you told it funnily, and your hair, filtered or no, is fine.

And I'm not blowing smoke up your ass. It's easy to simply agree with everything someone writes (if you're that kind of person). But believe me when I tell you, there's no reason for the meanie comments on this. Interpretation and idiocy don't mesh.


Oh dear, people sure have problems with the point of stories, don't they? The punchline, I think you missed it, commenters!

I found this story to be hilarious and I laughed pretty heartily thinking about a mattress just hanging out in the street. Maybe that just makes me a "white b" though, not sure.

For the commenters, is every funny situation supposed to be ignored on the offchance that someone, maybe, has disabilities, sort of? Should a story not be told because you never know, that guy tying the mattress to his roof might have had something traumatic happen, one day back when, and let's all respect the people with (infinite) possibilities of issues? Get a grip. Sorry this happened to your brother in law, but obviously, if you knew he has a history of brain burps, don't you think someone lucid should have gone with him to pick up this mattress to, I dunno, make sure it didn't end up in the middle of the street? People, for real. SMH.

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