Previous month:
January 2015
Next month:
March 2015

How To Suck At Twitter

#THATDRESS is blue and black, you are all insane, like literally the entire Internet is taking crazy pills because that is a blue goddamn dress. Also I forgot my Twitter password and am too lazy to reset it so I'm posting this here because Typepad remembers my Twitter password and will post my Very Important Opinion on this Very Important Matter for me. (Jason sees white and gold, as do several other friends and coworkers I have randomly polled and bothered on Skype. They are obviously wrong and yet not to exaggerate or freak out here, but this whole thing has still managed to make me doubt everything I thought I knew to be true, because I just looked at the dress again and realized it's becoming MORE BLUE each time I see it. YOU GUYS THERE IS A GLITCH IN THE MATRIX WE'RE ALL ACTUALLY NAKED ROBOT FUEL FLOATING IN GOOP BECAUSE THERE IS NO DRESS.) (Or: White balance and science. Either/or.) Anyway, while I'm here, I guess I should think of some other things to talk about? 1) Snow days and two hour delays and ALSO two-hour-delays-that-turn-into-full-snow-days-an-hour-later are all politely invited to SUCK IT. 2) We had Noah's... Read more →


My Internet is getting fixed today! At some point between the hours of 8 a.m. and 8 p.m., anyway. Thanks for that super-helpful service window, Verizon. I'll just sit here and wait for the inevitable, which is that you will not arrive during any of the many hours I am here sitting and waiting, but will of course arrive during the 15 minutes that I absolutely have leave the house to pick Ike up from school. And you'll get all huffy and impatient and I'll be all apologetic and flustered and we'll get off on the wrong foot, all because my three year old can't "drive" or "cross major intersections by himself." Yet, anyway. Let's not get off on the wrong foot, Imaginary Huffy Verizon Authority Figure. *** Speaking of Ike, he has decided that he is done with preschool, and the fact that he is not allowed to attend kindergarten at his brothers' school has taken over as the latest Three Year Old Worst Injustice In The World, At Least Since This Morning When He Was Served Milk In The Wrong Cup. (Yes. STILL with the wrong cup. And the dark blue plate. We've also added: Non-Ninja-Turtle Underwear is... Read more →


Dear Amy, Repeat the following to yourself and your privileged ass: I REALLY AM HAPPY TO BE HOME. I REALLY AM HAPPY TO BE HOME. HAPPY. TO BE HOME. I AM IT. *** That said. It hasn’t exactly been a smooth transition. Our power went out over the weekend due to Saturday’s surprise snow and ice storm. (Well, a surprise to me, because I left my weather app set to West Palm Beach weather which as you can imagine, is considerably nicer and I preferred to pretend it was still relevant to my life.) Thankfully the power came back on after a few hours…but our Internet did not. Our Internet is dead. Kaput. Dunzo. We have Verizon Fios and I don’t want to bore anyone with the technical blah-blah-cakes of it all, but there’s a thingamabox in our living room and a bigger, fiber-optical-er one in our basement, hardwired into the house. That’s the one that is dead, and that is the one that will not get repaired until THURSDAY, because I guess a lot of people’s thingamaboxes are also dead from the weather, so GET IN LINE, SWEETCHEEKS. So we have no TV, which is a big old fucking... Read more →


Second (and last) long-ass business trip on the month is over. Nothing like working a ton of 17-hour days in a row and then coming home all, "OH MY GOD I ACCOMPLISHED NOTHING AND NOW HAVE SO MUCH WORK TO DO." It's good to be home again. And to not have to go ANYWHERE else for a good long time, except maybe to go buy some wine. It's also good to have blog readers who Really Get You. Big thank you to Kristen who MAY or MAY NOT have used her important J-O-B connections to hook me up with a very special room service delivery of ALL OF THE HYATT SOAPS. Seriously. Look at all these fucking soaps. (Not including the three additional non-packaged soaps in active rotation in my soap dish, shower and travel toiletry bag. YASSSSSS.) So I suppose I finally have enough soaps to stop panicking about running out before the next time I stay at a Hyatt. Maybe. Possibly. (NOT LIKELY.) Also, because we're sharing and I try to be a very honest and transparent blogger, I have one last confession. This happened: I suppose this is the final nail in the I'M A PROFESSIONAL BLAWWWWGGGGGER... Read more →


Whoa. What happened there? Days turned into weeks and now it's February and even my family members are texting me now like, "Uh. You alive? Everything cool?" I was in Florida this week for work, a long series of 17-hour days and no free time and the best part is that I get to do it AGAIN next week, to a different part of Florida. This week was Orlando. I brought the kids some free maps of Legoland and Harry Potter World from my hotel as souvenirs, because I am an amazing parent who never leaves room in her suitcase to bring them back anything good and/or wildly overpriced. (Except for YAAASSSSSSSS more Hyatt soaps. Although this week the maid figured out my hoarding game and cut me off after two soaps. Dammit.) Within an hour of arriving at my hotel, I watched a guy trying to flirt with the concierge, who apparently is attending college for healthcare management. He wished her luck in a tough field, then walked away, but stopped to bellow "BECAUSE OBAMACARE" at me and my slightly startled (and non-eavesdropping) coworkers. "BECAUSE OBAMACARE" became one of many team refrains for the week and our go-to excuse... Read more →