37 is the New Poor Life Choices
Like a Band-Aid

The Day of the Beepening

Beep.

Beep Beep.

Beep.

Jason and I were both working from home when the beeping started. It wasn't loud, but it wouldn't stop. 

Beep.

Beep Beep.

Beep. 

Jason didn't hear it at first, but of course after I asked what is SAM HILL is that BEEPING it was all he could hear.

Beep.

Beep Beep.

Beep. 

It definitely wasn't anything in our house, and after opening the window it got noticeably louder. I went outside, but the beeping took on a weird echo-like effect in our quiet neighborhood and seemed to be coming from everywhere. It wasn't a car alarm, but after spotting a construction crew repairing the sidewalk up the street, I figured it must have something to do with them. Really annoying, but would probably stop soon. Plus, I needed to leave for my piercing appointment, so I didn't have to listen to it anymore ANYWAY. Have fun, Jason!

Jason did not have fun. Jason was going BONKERS. The beeping would not stop. There was no escaping it. You couldn't help but fixate on it. You could hear it everywhere in our house. And in between the beeps your brain would stupidly think, "oh, maybe it'll stop this time" and then...

Beep.

Beep Beep.

Beep.

It went on for hours. The repaving crew left. My friend and I went for a congratulatory beer post-stabbings. Still, with the fucking beeping. 

Jason went back outside, determined to track down the source of the beeping and murder it with his bare hands. 

He found it, sitting on our neighbors' front step. It was a smoke alarm, merrily beeping its low-but-not-dead-yet battery status for hours on end. 

They were not at home. They'd removed a smoke alarm from the ceiling and then, rather than OH I DON'T KNOW, replacing the battery, put it out on their front step. And then left for work. Or for the Battery Store Seven Hours Down The Road, maybe. 

Jason shoved it through the mail slot in their door, went back inside, and sent me a text.

THIS IS WHY WE'RE MOVING. COME HOME AND START PACKING.

A slight overreaction? Probably. But dear God, I'm not sure I can blame him. I can still hear that motherfucking beeping.

Beep.

Beep Beep.

Beep.  

(Probably because today it's coming from our smoke alarm, no freaking lie. Should I replace the battery or just toss the whole thing up on our roof? I just don't know how these things work!)

Comments

Melanie

I think your neighbors need another little present. Duck taped to their bedroom windowsill, maybe?

KimAZ

COME HOME AND START PACKING
Your man is wise.

Lee

I would have smashed it to smithereens and left it on the front step with a note that said "fixed it".

C

I have actually done this (left a beeping smoke detector on our porch). Our dog goes batshit crazy with beeping things and when I tried to take a dying battery out I broke the little latch on the battery door opener thingy. After trying for 10 minutes I still couldn't get the battery out, but had to leave or be late for work. Sooooo, I left it outside so it wouldn't make the dog insane. Sorry neighbors!!

Kim

I think Jason showed major restraint. I would have teed that mofo up and drove it through their window with a Big Bertha.

nic

yeah, i'd say shove that one through their mail slot too.

Amalah

@Lee HAHAHA HA. Haaaaaaaa!

@C Our neighbors don't have a dog. So no pass there.

Cara

I want you to move because I can imagine how many new blog posts you will get from that. Stupid question, was taking the battery out not an option?

Sue W.

Guess the neighbors are lucky Jason didn't drive it to the next county and throw it out the window like he did with the squirrelz!(and I KNOW, he didn't throw them out the window, he gently released them from the humane trap. The throwing from the window was "artistic license!")

another sue

Sue W - "artistic license"! Yes! That is the approach I take with squirrels who come onto my deck to sample the plants, and then, oh, I dunno', the deck boards themselves! I have nothing to say about smoke detectors. I took the batteries out of the ones here years ago.

Holly W.

I'm pretty sure the answer to your final question is: replace the battery for now. Then, watch and wait until your neighbors return. Then, leave it under something very close to/in their yard before you go to bed one night - WITH THE SAVED ALMOST-EMPTY BATTERY in it. I'm with Jason. That level of awful would make me murderous.

Robyn

That happened to us once. We finally tracked the beeping to the refrigerator, where we cautiously approached asking each other "what does it mean?" We opened the door and slowly narrowed our focus to a wrapped Subway sandwich. Turns out, hubby left his Nextel radio in the sandwich bag.

kimm

My old smoke alarms were hooked into the houses electricity but they still went psycho and beeped. One of my dogs would not come inside for 2 days because of the trauma.

cgw

Our neighbor's kitchen window looks straight into our daughter's window (her's is almost always closed, theirs is open a lot). One time their smoke detector was beeping periodically just as you described. Yet it didn't seem to bother them one bit. Yes, they were home. It was the most bizarre thing. So after a couple (A COUPLE) of days, we left a 6 pack of 9volt batteries on their front step. They got the hint, it's never beeped since...

...instead, we keep hearing "Shhhh!" every once in a while. Finally realized that their parrot is saying that. No doubt learned from one of its owners.

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