I felt it the minute I woke up on Monday morning.
Or more specifically, I didn't feel it. I didn't feel anything.
Probably not a big surprise or shocker here, but I've been struggling with my anxiety levels for awhile now. I have retyped that sentence at least 17 times, because "struggling" doesn't seem to go far enough, but alternatives like "suffering" or "practically debilitated by" seem too drama queenish. But...it's been bad, guys.
On Monday, though. A switch got flipped. I woke up late vs. waking up before dawn, and instead of feeling wracked with anxiety over the day's mundane to-do list and Trump-related existential terror, I felt...nothing. Just the abyss of a depressive spiral.
Not to get too gross-out personal (LOL AT THE SHIT IN THE ARCHIVES), but I first blamed my anxiety on hormones, and my super-irregular menstrual cycles. So I decided to try a birth control implant in my arm that my (NOW FORMER) doctor swore up and down had zero mood-related side effects and would eventually stop my periods altogether, like WOOT. I didn't need the birth control aspect (SNIP SNIP) but figured no bleeding or PMS sounded pretty great, let's give it a try!
I am getting it yanked out this afternoon by my new, much better doctor, who is like: Yeah, not really.
(Nexplanon. Go for it if you want to bleed every two weeks and go crazy. Covered by insurance!)
The last time I got genuinely sick, it was a 50% fault of hormonal birth control (and Clomid, which sent me into a huge mental tailspin, plus a terrible med-happy doctor who just threw prescription after prescription at me, when all I probably needed was Xanax and chill), and 50% Unexamined Life Shit. I'm not sure what made me cocky enough to mess around with it again, especially in the midst of a presidential election that's sending half the country into therapy for anxiety and panic and PTSD.
(The day I realized I had enough sexual assault and harassment stories to fill over an entire week's worth of blog posts was probably another tipping point, when my brain decided to start slowly powering down instead of dealing with the flood of garbage memories.)
Anyway. Hey. I'm not doing very well right now. But I realize it, and I do not intend to spend another minute wallowing in this space. I am seeing my doctor today, looking for a therapist, already on a vitamin D regimen (got officially blood-tested super deficient, so that's obviously not helping anything) and ordering a SAD light. And just sort of raising my hand here online, saying yep. Me too.