Onward! To the next holiday!
After missing out on much of the Christmas season last year due to Zombie Pinkeye (shudders) (phantom eye twitch) (emergency eyeball check), I decided we were wasting no time this year. Time to chop a tree and deck some motherfucking halls.
We went SLIGHTLY less ridiculous with the tree size this time around, and as a momentous first, not only did my children not break a single ornament, they actually helped decorate the tree.
As opposed to "helping" "decorate" by "hanging 40 ornaments on the same two branches."
(Although we technically still have no wreaths, because although I am 110% sure I bought some red ribbon for both bows and hanging-purposes, it has yet to resurface. And Amazon is all, "oh, you want some outdoor ribbon? at this time of year? that'll be over a hundred damn bucks, you slacker." So our wreaths are still stacked up in a corner until I can go buy some non-price-gouged ribbon at an actual store, which: Christ. That is the dumbest sentence I've had to write in awhile.)
(Although not nearly as dumb as the one decorating thing we did last year, which was to hang this lighted JOY marquee thing on our front window, only to realize two days later that we'd strung the letters up backwards -- so from the outside it looked like we were celebrating the festive season of YOJ.)
ALL HAIL YOJ.
Bit of a topic jump, but I've been meaning to post a brief Mental Health Update. It's been about six weeks since I Officially Big-Time Cratered, during which time I got my birth control implant yanked out, I procured a SAD lamp, and our nation elected a lying narcissistic Twitter egg as leader of the free world. Let's review!
So removing the implant was like, 1,000% the right thing to do. The removal itself was a lot more difficult and painful than I expected, as my arm was bruised and swollen for almost a full month afterwards, and I had strange nerve pain shooting down to my forearm for awhile that was kind of freaking me out. That seems to have passed, thank goodness. I feel like my moods are stabilizing -- less temper and general for-no-reason bitchiness -- or I'm at least even-keeled enough most days to catch myself, like "whoa, where is this coming from, and would it possible to just get a damn grip on yourself instead?" So this is good.
Not so good: I've gained weight. I'm well out of my comfy give-or-take five-pound flex range and into aw crap, my jeans don't fit. Some of that I'm sure is just old-fashioned depression stress-snacking and making a million excuses not to exercise, but I think some of it can be attributed to the hormonal changes. Either way, though, I'm working out after I publish this and getting rid of the leftover Halloween candy.
After dragging my own feet on buying a SAD lamp (and my credit card...when my anxiety spikes I get very weird about money and refuse to buy anything for myself, even if it's something essential or super inexpensive. I'll buy the kids anything and everything they need but then completely freeze up over the idea of replacing my lost sunglasses or buying name-brand Chapstick)...a dear friend and fellow SAD sufferer took it upon herself to get one delivered to me with orders to FUCKING USE IT, HO.
And I do! And it works! It works so, so well and if you've been thinking of trying one out lemme recommend this particular model, which is nicely compact and affordable and yes, IT WORKS. I keep it on my nightstand and turn it on for 30 minutes right after I wake up. It actually works the way I hoped the wake-up light alarm clock would (but didn't, for me) -- I immediately feel much more awake/alert and ready to get up and stay up and all that. (And that's no small thang for a depressed person, as I'm sure many of you understand all too well.) On very gloomy days or whenever I'm feeling out of sorts, I turn it on again in the afternoon. This is also good.
But the best best BEST thing: My essential tremor has improved SO MUCH. Like WOW HOLY SHIT levels of improvement. It's still there if I hold my hands still and like, stare at them really hard, but it is nowhere even near the debilitating levels I was struggling with before. I can put on eye makeup! I can hold a pen! I can talk on the phone without it messing with my vocal cords! My whole body doesn't shake when I need to change lanes in the car! I feel like I can trace it back to the implant removal, but since general anxiety levels always play a big part in my symptoms, it's probably a combination of things. Do not care. Will take it. Very much good.
As for...the other thing: In a way, the election made my anxiety struggles this year seem...well, almost deserved and rational. I WAS anxious that he would win. I was freaking terrified he would win. I was consumed by election news and political commentary and developed an OCD-like need to read EVERYTHING being written about him and his campaign, just to feed my growing horror at every offensive, hypocritical thing he was getting away with and lying about. Jason (and other people) got so sick of listening to me rant and rave and fret about him -- not because he disagreed with my opinions, but because there was no fucking way he was going to actually WIN, so why are you letting it get to you? WTF are you even worrying about? Calm down.
Everybody around me (like mannnnnny of my fellow liberals, turns out), was so entirely convinced that we had the presidency in the bag that my Debbie-Downer-on-the-verge-of-an-anxiety-attack mental state seemed downright irrational. Even a bit crazy. I was Chicken Little, running around in panicked circles because the sky might be racist.
Welp. Okay then. That happened. Time to fully kick anxiety's ass so it won't keep me cowering in the corner for the next four years. I've got some shit to do.
(Said ass-kicking; expectations vs. reality, lol.)