I don't know what to say.
I'm shocked and disappointed and genuinely fearful in a way I've never been, post-election. My brain did indeed do an excellent job of protecting me from trauma and refused to see this possibility as something that could actually happen. Him? Not Her? Seriously, HIM??
This morning I lay in the fetal position in bed, unable to do anything but stare blankly at a spot on the floor as it slowly sunk in that I was indeed awake, that this was real life, with the weight of everything that now hangs in the balance -- health care, the environment, the Supreme Court, reproductive rights, marriage equality, religious freedom, wars and walls and ignorance and sexism and xenophobia and Trump U trials and tax returns and four solid years of "oh Jesus fucking Christ, NOW WHAT?" news coverage -- crushing down on my chest.
I listened to my children sobbing over their cereal bowls downstairs and Jason's sad, resigned voice as he tried to reassure them that everything would be okay, words he'd clearly rehearsed but didn't necessarily believe yet. "He's a bad person!" Noah practically screamed. "He tells lies! He judges people on the color of their skin! We were supposed to get our first female president so WHAT HAPPENED?"
Jason, again, had a diplomatic answer prepared, despite being solidly in WTF JUST HAPPENED mode himself. Noah angrily said that if KIDS had been allowed to vote, they NEVER would have let this happen, like WOW. Great job, adults. Great, great fucking job.
When Ezra returned from taking Beau for a walk, he claimed that Donald Trump was driving around the neighborhood, shouting at everybody he saw that he was the president now. Ez wants to be an author when he grows up; I suppose this was his first attempt at making up a horror story. I admit, it was a genuinely creepy visual. His brothers were scared to walk to the bus stop until I finally reassured them that it wasn't true. He's in New York. I know because I got up to check the news in the middle of the night to confirm that yes, he really fucking won, holy shit.
And now I sit, still stunned, still not sure if I have another crying jag or anxiety attack left in me, or if I should just give myself over to a deadened numbness for awhile.
I realize I'm not writing in an echo chamber here, that some of the eyeballs reading this cried for joy last night and not sadness. I now fully realize that I clearly do not understand (AT ALL) how a large portion of this country works or thinks. It's very frightening and foreign to me, maybe in the same way that same portion fears refugees and illegal immigrants and Muslims and LGBTQ people and Black Lives Matter and everybody else who's been successfully cast as the driving-around-your-neighborhood villain this year. Maybe there's a chance for some empathy and healing here. Because everything I believed yesterday -- with every fiber of my being -- when I cast my vote remains true today:
We're stronger together. And love will always, always trump hate.