Ezra: Mom, I really wish I could learn how to vacuum the floor.
Me: BEHOLD, I AM MAGIC WISH-GRANTING FAIRY. KNOCK YOURSELF OUT, CHILD.
For whatever reason, after school on Monday, Ezra suddenly noticed there were still Cheerios all over the kitchen floor. Now, there are ALWAYS Cheerios all over the kitchen floor, this has been a constant point of crunchy underfoot irritation in my life for damn near a decade now, because the pincer grasp milestone is a crock of shit, but this was the first time any of them actually 1) noticed, and 2) felt compelled to do something about it.
I got out the vacuum, went over some basics, and barely got in a demo push before Ezra grabbed it out of my hands and went to TOWN on those Cheerios.
The kitchen vacuuming quickly turned into bedroom vacuuming, then he decided to take care of the hallways and stairs. Then Ike, I shit you not, asked to join in the fun.
Ezra finished off in the living room, tsk tsking over every stray Lego and broken crayon bit he came across and carefully picked up. Ike ran around collecting socks and mittens and papers off the floor and out of corners. I mostly just sat there trying to believe this was real life. How many times have I begged them to do that? How many times have I threatened to just vacuum up All The Shit if they didn't? How did it not occur to me that maybe, just maybe, I could sell them on the vacuum itself -- the loud, powerful, magic sucking-up machines that my children were now treating with all the glee of an electric chainsaw?
Our Oreck (oh my God, how I love our Oreck, it puts that way more expensive, constantly crapping-out-on-us Dyson cordless to shame) only weighs eight pounds, so it was super easy for them to use and move around, as Ike took it upon himself to carry it down the stairs to the family room and busied himself while I made dinner.
He did a really, really good job. He was so super proud of himself, so Imma brag on his behalf. He earned it.
Ezra asked if vacuuming could be a regular chore, which HAHAHA YOU SHALL RUE THIS DAY SO BUT YES IT CAN, and yesterday they took turns vacuuming the basement. Tonight they plan to take care of our bedroom.
So if you're keeping count, this means I have more or less successfully outsourced all of the following to my children:
Unloading the dishwasher (Ez & Ike)
Rinsing dishes and loading the dishwasher (Noah)
Walking the dog (Noah and Ez alternate morning/afternoon, I handle the mid-day)
Setting the table (ALL Y'ALL)
Taking out trash/recycling (EVERYBODY NOW)
Packing lunches (I DUNNO, DO YOU PLAN TO EAT TODAY?)
Raking leaves (SEASONAL MANUAL LABOR FUN)
Their own damn laundry (Noah and Ez are responsisible for the whole washing/drying/folding/putting away shebang; Ike gets his laundry washed and folded but puts everything away himself)
And now, Vacuuming.
And next up, their nightmare of a bathroom, because I am done done done and also feeling like I might be some kind of wizard. Has anybody here ever wished they could learn how to clean a toilet or get petrified toothpaste crud off a sink? STEP RIGHT UP.
Meanwhile, during all this vacuuming fun, Noah was all:
But in the immortal words of Mr. Loaf: Two out of three ain't bad.