Storches Go Skeeting
Spring Awakening

But Do They Test For Stupid?

We've been home almost as long as we were gone in the first place, and yet the post-travel chaos continues. Only one suitcase is unpacked (and the toiletry bag really only moved from Point A to Point B(athroom), so only partial credit there), I'm still doing laundry and we have yet to restock the fridge or pantry.

The kids all came running into our room this morning in a mass panic because there was no cereal. NO CEREAL. What are you even DOING, adults? You have ONE JOB and it is to PROCURE A STAGGERING AMOUNT OF CEREAL FOR OUR FACES.

(Nevermind all the waffles, pancakes, oatmeal, fruit and eggs. No cereal = breakfast is a pile of garbage.)

But oh! Speaking of jobs. I am (fingers crossed) about to start a big brand-new work project with a big brand-new client. I say fingers crossed because I got my resume in front of them well over six months ago for this project and eventually sort of gave up on it actually happening, but now it is. (No, it's not Amalah/Internet/Jackass/Funtime related, it's part of my secret identity/side hustle as a Capable Adult Human who gets shit done and knows how to write good, and for whom remembering to buy cereal is not a relevant metric of job performance.) I am excited because 1) money and 2) it'll involve some new skills/certifications that appeal to me deeply on a business nerd level. 

I also say fingers crossed because this particular company has a realllllllllly serious onboarding process for contractors, part of which involved me peeing in a cup for a drug test yesterday. Which...is not at all a cause of personal concern for me, except that I, a total neurotic spazcase, decided to skip my allergy medicine in the morning on the off chance it could create a false positive. So naturally, I sneezed mid-test.

Now, being a three-time former pregnant lady/pee-cup champion, I walked in there pretty damn confident in my ability to pee in a stupid cup.  But the sneeze created a chain reaction arm-jerk and specimen cup spill, and I came up short of the marked line I'd been instructed to meet by the large, no-nonsense man waiting outside who also warned me 10 times not to flush the toilet, so in between panicking over my insufficient sample I was also terrified that I would accidentally flush the toilet out of simple habit and thus fail my drug test for not following directions.

I did not flush the toilet, but I did sincerely apologize to large, no-nonsense man about my failure to fill the cup all the way up to the line. 

He said it was fine, and also good luck with the job. 

So assuming all goes well, I can also officially promise my clients that I absolutely do not perform my copywriting duties under the influence of the marijuana or bath salts or whatever else they test for. Which is true! It's mostly too much coffee and the occasional string cheese. 

 

 

 

Comments

Hope

Did you have to pee with the door open? I had to do the drug test for a job once and while it was a woman supervising, the door had to stay open. She wasn't watching me but I was still horribly embarrassed and also - was she trained to listen for people trying to substitute clean pee for drug pee?

flybigd

I don't know how you parent three boys and still keep part of your brain fully functioning for work stuff, especially techy-web type things. I am totally jealous. One kid and my brain is mush, and I still have to function at a 30-hour week outside job.

CC

Ah yes the pee test. I remember the first time I had to do the drug test. Very new experience for me. The toilet flush thing is what got me though. The nice little nurse was very clear about NO FLUSHING and I was like, ok yeah got it. Did my business, very expertly if I do say so myself, pulled my pants up and (out of trained habit) turned around and flushed the toilet like the well mannered lady that I am.That's when I realized I had just done what I was very clearly told not to do. I ran out of the bathroom, pulling my pants up and started yelling OMG I FLUSHED I'M SORRY I FLUSHED IT IS SUCH A NATURAL HABIT I CAN STICK AROUND AND PROBABLY RALLY OUT SOME MORE FOR YOU IM SORRY SORRY SORRY AACK!!!!

The nurse looked at me with my undone pants and pure panic in my face, rolled her her eyes and said, it's fine whateves.

I still work at the job.

Angela

Congrats on your new gig! As a Canadian, I'm gobbsmaked and slightly appalled at this routine drug test thing, though. What about innocent until proven guilty? Wow, you're not in the Olympics...? For a writing job? Wow!

Michelle

At my drug test for work, I wasn't able to fill up the cup enough, and I had to sit there drinking water until I was ready to try again. Then I had to pee about 5 more times that morning since I drank so much water. And they also cut 100 strands of hair for another drug test. Good think I have lots of hair!

Susan

Literal LOL. At work. Also, I am so glad I am done having babies and no longer have to practice my cup peeing skills each month. Because, that sucked, and I never got better. Only progressively worse.

Susan

Also, I only have two small humans who want copious amounts of cereal, and one of them is a girl. I totally get that you need a new gig to keep up with the cereal needs of three boys! And, they're only going to get bigger. And eat more cereal. I may need a part-time gig in addition to my full-time one just to afford cereal.

Deirdre

Having been in the Army I have had to watch people pee in cups and pee in cups while others watch many times. It has become weirdly old hat. I can pee on command now.

Vickie

Thought of you immediately-
"Have a pet at home looking for companionship? Now Alexa can keep them entertained. The Petlexa skill allows dogs, cats, and other animals to communicate with Alexa just like you do."

Catherine

European commenter here - why are you not allowed to flush? Very interesting aspect...

The comments to this entry are closed.