(I always feel the need to hedge Posts Like This [mundane, complain-y, privileged AF] during Times Like These [seriously, how many national emergencies/tragedies/horrors do we have deal with right now?] and be like: I know. I know! I'm really upset and distressed about it all too in real life. But here is where I come to try and be kind of funny on the Internet. So Imma do that. Hugs for everybody.)
Once upon a time, several blog posts ago, I revealed the secret shame of the demogorgon shower sludge, and our less-than-super-adult approach to doing anything about it. (At least anything that would cost us more than a tube of Denial Caulk.) But finally we had a plan and an contractor and things started happening:
Gateway to the demonscape things!
We decided to bump the shower out to the edge of the wall and tile up to the ceiling, and replace the shower basin with a mosaic tile floor.
We had three and half boxes of tile leftover from our kitchen/foyer remodel, which wasn't going to be quite enough. Which at first was a big old ARGH because we'd bought discontinued tile (discounted to only $1.50 a square foot)...but then we walked into the tile store and there it still was, not discontinued at all. It was now full price at a whopping $3 a square foot, but...um. Fine? That's still really fine.
The mosaic tile looked mossy green-ish in the store, but in our bathroom it is very decidedly more of a blue. That tile store was basically made of lies, but it looks nice and didn't cost much so I ain't mad at anybody.
My pretty shelves that it physically pains me to clutter up with all my shower crap.
Ta-da! All done! Except...
"Babe, we have some extra paint for the master bath around here somewhere, right?"
Goddammit. The remains of the demon sludge scored one final point, as no, we did NOT have any of the paint, nor did we have any idea was brand or color was used and hahahaha you assholes have to paint.
And so painting has predictably spiraled this one bathroom project into like, seventeen, as we are completely incapable of simply picking out a single paint color and just like...painting a room. By the time we left the paint store our to-do list had grown to:
1) Paint the bathroom, lose battle with husband over making vague guesses at the existing color and agree on a more neutral palette or idk i'm bored let's gooooo
2) Also paint the walls around the tub which is technically a separate room but you know, it needs to flow
3) Also let's do an accent wall behind the tub, in blue, but like, a totally slightly different blue than the one we're getting rid of
4) OOH OOH let's paint the linen closet in the main bathroom that accent color too cuz we crazy
5) Also we really need to replace that ugly Hollywood lighting
6) And then we're gonna Pinterest the shit outta how to convert builder's grade mirrors and medicine cabinets into something less blah
8) THE OUTLETS AND SWITCHPLATES AND DOOR PULLS ARE ALL THE WRONG FINISH THIS CANNOT STAND
9) SHELVES SHELVES SHELVES
10) And while the previous owners actually did a really nice job painting the vanity cabinets and the color still kind of works, I'm on a full DIY bender and you just KNOW I'm gonna suggest re-painting that shit white.
(At some point Jason also added "build a new custom marble tile countertop all by myself and get new sinks" but after what happened next he's decided to scale back for now and focus on the shelves.)
We are definitely not done with our list yet. Here's where things stand now:
(On the bright side, I just spent 10 minutes wandering around looking for my coffee mug before noticing it in this photo.)
(Shame I can't say the same about the toothpaste, which has been missing since yesterday.)
Exhibit A of the super tricky lighting in this area (walls are taupe and the blue from the closet door, and not really that shiny). This led to the previous paint color -- a rich chocolate brown, is what I assume they were going for -- taking on an unfortunate...greenish tone at certain times of day. Which then had the effect of turning the entire room into a visual representation of the one question every parent has asked of a young child: Is that chocolate or poop?
(So long, poop walls!)
On Sunday night I decided to tackle the cabinets. Now, if you've never repainted a painted cabinet before, here are the important steps you should follow:
1) Send your husband back out to the store for the white paint and mini rollers, which you of course forgot to buy.
2) Remove the doors, scrub everything down, sand off any rough edges or drips from the previous paint job.
3) Start painting.
4) Express mild surprise at how poorly the paint is covering, blame husband for buying Behr instead of yr boi Benjamin Moore.
5) Keep painting.
6) Start cursing.
8) Three coats later, survey your handiwork: A blotchy, drippy, streaky mess that looks 1,000% worse that it did before.
9) Realize you just wasted hours of your life attempting to paint over an oil-based paint with latex without priming it first, hahaha you dumb shit you.
So it looked like we might have to rip out the cabinets/counters/sinks and replace all that stuff after all, all because I couldn't resist the DIY siren call of PAINT IT WHITE!!1! Most of the paint peeled right off in sheets, and Jason attempted to sand the rest of it but quickly determined that was making it even worse. We stared, we sighed, we debated stealing cabinet doors from our children's bathroom, before finally I asked Jason to indulge me and try a coat or two of the Benjamin Moore white paint that I'd sent him out to procure for all the trim.
It worked! I don't know exactly how or why (we probably ruined enough of the original finish with the peeling/sanding so the new paint could adhere), but it worked. The cabinet and doors are now properly, boringly white and I found a box of extra handles and pulls from the kitchen remodel that should properly distract the eye that yeah, it's a cheap damn builder's grade cabinet with like 400 coats of paint on it, you wanna fight or something?