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Sad Ghost

One Month From Forty

In exactly one month from today, I will be turning 40 years old. I suppose I should Feel Something About That, but...not really? I'm more stunned by the realization that I'm only 10 years away from being 50 years old, at which point I can FINALLY fulfill my life-long dream of living full-time as Molly Shannon's SNL character. Better get working on those high kicks!

(Although I have no intention of shying away from my age, I do admit I am intrigued by a fellow-39-going-on-40 friend's plan to say he's "39 Part II" and then "39 Part III," then end the trilogy by turning 42, at which point he can literally be the answer to Life, the Universe and Everything. That's a solid plan and I applaud it.)

I really enjoyed my 30s though, and all the growing/evolving as a person mixed with a solid appreciation for no longer giving a fuck. I'm hoping that trend continues and I can put off being too Set In My Ways for awhile longer. (Unless, of course, My Ways involve lots of insane hats, occasional day drinking. fighting the patriarchy from a tricked-out motorized scooter, and always tipping the waitstaff well.)

THAT SAID, in honor of my last few weeks of 39 -- and of course some of that sweet, sweet Cyber Monday affiliate linkage -- I'm going to get prematurely bossy and go all wise and sage on your asses and pass along a few things I've learned over the last decade of my life and/or right this second as they occur to me: 

WORTH IT:

Christian Dior Blackout mascara. I have tried all the mascaras. This is the best one. And it will look as good as the day you bought it on the day you eke out the last wandful.

NOT WORTH IT:

Super expensive makeup palettes with dozens of shades because you're only going to use like, one or two of them consistently. 

ALSO NOT WORTH IT: 

I switched to a Mac because that's what all the cool bloggers used. Three very, very expensive laptops later...

TOTALLY FUCKING WORTH IT:

Microsoft Surface Pro 4-EVAH

IMPORTANT:

Comb hair tangles out IN the shower with conditioner and a wide-toothed comb.

NOT IMPORTANT: 

Whatever caused us all to abandon the scrunchie.

I DON'T GIVE A FUCK:

I wear scrunchies now and think they're just great. You wanna fight about it?

I DO GIVE A FUCK:

Women's rights, LGBTQ rights, quality public education and a well-funded social safety net for all.

THE BEST:

Literally everything about this season of Crazy Ex-Girlfriend

THE WORST:

Goddammit, Tambor! 

(And like, every other harassing/groping/creeping asshole on the planet, including Mike from Display Advertising way back in 1999. No, I still haven't forgotten, you handsy piece of shit.)

(Same goes to you, Lady From HR Whose Name I Can't Remember. Thanks for the super-memorable life lesson about keeping my mouth shut though!) 

OVERRATED:

Dyson vacuums.

WHERE THE SHIT IS AT:

Oreck vacuums.

THE REAL BEST REASON TO CLOTH DIAPER:

You basically get to be smug about it your entire life.

THE REAL BEST REASON TO HAVE CHILDREN:

They grow up and learn how to do things. Like the dishwasher. And their own laundry.  

HOW TO SUCCEED AT MARRIAGE:

Marry your best friend. Be GGG. Laugh a lot. Fight fair. Don't use the toilet in front of each other or let him watch you change in and out of a sports bra. Agree to leave the room when he eats string cheese instead of silently raging because YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO EAT IT IN STRINGS NOT BITES MY GOD YOU INHUMAN MONSTER. 

MARRIAGE GOALS FOR 40:

We're finally gettin' a hot tub, awwwwww yeah. 

PARENTING GOALS FOR 40: 

Invent an alarm clock that actually wakes them up in the morning and/or physically hauls them out of bed and then like, puts a protective force field around the bed to prevent re-entry five minutes later. 

Also, less yelling.

PERSONAL GOALS FOR 40:

I am still really mean to myself inside my head sometimes a lot. Tackle the phone thing. Lose some of the Trump-stress weight, but like, nicely. 

PROFESSIONAL GOALS FOR 40: 

Umm...don't get fired? Actually pretty happy with everything as-is right now. 

STYLE GOALS FOR 40: 

Finally buy those Doc Martens I wanted in high school but could never afford. More dresses with pockets, fewer bras with padding, and zero tolerance for "you're too old to dress/dye your hair/get tattoo'd/pierced/whatever like that" bullshit. 

 

Comments

Susan F

Happy almost birthday! And I'm hiring someone to take out a hit on my vacuum so I can get the one you covet. (But how do you clean stairs and nooks and crannies without attachments?)

Jenn

I turned 40 last year and had some feels about it, but it's been pretty awesome and you do magically stop giving a shit about what people think, so hooray for 40.

Tina Douglas

Wren and Ivory has super adorable, reasonably priced, MOST COMFORTABLE FABRIC EVER dresses with pockets. Just a heads up. Also, happy almost birthday, you magnificent specimen of awesomeness.!

Tamara

40 was life changing for me. That was the summer of yes, and it's morphed into the life of yes (and I thought it was pretty awesome before that.)

Liz

I threw a very awesome Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy party for my husband's 42nd, so hmu if you need any tips on where to buy inflatable dolphin balloons or how to make a palatable Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster.

Marianne

I'm 42 and crazily had a baby at 41. I'm pretty sure she's the only reason I didn't completely lose my shit after the election. The 40s aren't so bad.

I totally forgot about 42 being the answer to the universe! I'm going to really love these next 7 months, because really, what the hell is cool about 43?

Dori

Happy almost birthday! I turned 40 last year and thought I'd care but I don't.

It's called "string cheese" for a reason. #teamstringittoeatit

reenie

Happy almost 40! I am turning the answer to Life and Everything, etc. in 13 days, myself. Hooray!

But - scrunchies? Really? Hmm...

And - I cannot make myself spend more than $10 on mascara, since Cover Girl does a decent job for me...but I did think about it. I did.

I LOVE trying to detach minute strings of cheese from the top of the "stick" with my teeth.

Amy A

In my head you’re my contemporary, because yes, I am that cool (or so I tell myself.). But reality check—holy shit you are only nine years older than my oldest child!!

No matter, since I’ve decided that since we share the same first name we can also share whatever age we choose to be—yay you for being an awesome almost 40, and me, for being almost 40 plus 18 but really (in my head, again) only 18. That works, right?

Point is, you are only as old as you feel. And you, my dear, must be feeling fabulous. Enjoy and embrace your day. And that hot tub ;)

Sarah

Just sayin'...

https://www.amazon.com/Sonic-Alert-SBB500SS-Alarm-Shaker/dp/B000OOWZUK/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1511819771&sr=8-1&keywords=sonic+boom+alarm+clock+with+bed+shaker

zoot

#TeamScrunchieForLife

Dawn

I purchased my first pair of Docs this year at 45 years old. I also coveted them in high school and now DGAF if people think I am too old to wear them. I went with the Emmeline style and while they are ouchy during the break in period, I have ZERO regrets.

Carole

As far as the dress with pockets thing goes, www.eshakti.com. LOVE IT. You can modify most of their dresses (neckline, length, sleeves) and almost all of them have pockets. My WEDDING DRESS from there had pockets (yaaaaassss). Also, crazy inexpensive for good quality.

monica

Yeah, I am 58, so there is that!. But rally when you are 58 you will be thinking a lot of the same things as you do now! Odd to be getting towards 60, but hey so are all my friends! I did not even have my first kid til I was 40, and had my second at 43, so I am 58 with two teenage boys - at least when you are 58, your kids will be adults!

Sarah Jane

For dresses with pockets that show your geeky side, try this: svahausa.com. You'e welcome!

Taylor

I will be 40 almost one month after you and I agree with almost all of these goals. I’m gonna fight you on the mascara because Tartes Lights, Camera, Lashes is the greatest. (Sorry)
Also am totally jealous of your chance to get the Docs of your dreams. I too back in high school coveted my friends pairs but was too broke for them. And now I live in Hawaii where you only wear actual shoes like 3 times a year. I just can’t make the purchase to have them sit sad in my closet all the time.

Jenny

I'm 39 also, and I concur with much of this, especially the Crazy Ex-Girlfriend love...this season is amazing. I would pay someone to get my kid up and out the door on time in the mornings. Seriously. Happy almost-birthday!

Liz Miller

Re: Dresses with pockets: Eshakti; Eliza J.; Taylor Scuba dress. There are others, but I'll need to hunt in my closet for them.

G-thang

This is the new improved scrunchie: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B0752FYQHZ/ref=s9_acsd_hps_bw_c_x_3_w

Seriously the BEST. They really don't slip and don't pull on my scalp. I'd say they leave less dents in my hair, but not dent free.

Jennifer R Kirschling

I love this list. Thanks for sharing!

Maura

Buy the Docs!! You'll never regret it! :) I bought mine in England 20 years ago (cheaper, minus the flight but family there so...). I still wear them and they're still awesome, and I acquired a couple more pairs over the years that have been totally worth it. Red suede ankle boots 4 lyfe!! :) Also, 40s are the absolute best so far. The age of DGAF is intoxicating.

Kelly

43 is a prime number so that's cool too :) thanks for the awesome Post!

Katie

The best response to the incorrect eating of string cheese is, "It's called string cheese, not chompy cheese."

Kate

You once posted about a carpet cleaner steam machine? I think? I can't find the link and now I want one because we have all carpets in our house and we're about to adopt two cats, AND I BLAME (/thank) YOU FOR THAT.

Julie

This post is one of my favorite posts you have written....and I've read EVERY ONE of course. Awesome.

-from a 45 year old who also does and does not give a fuck

Julie

PS...My forties are amazing!

Amy in StL

FYI: Now at 47 I'm finding I have to go back to bras with padding because my boobs look old and saggy in t-shirts and underwire isn't enough apparently. Bonus: When it's cold I don't look all headlighty.

Andee

I'm turning 40 on the 27th too. I will have a birthday drink for you! :)

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